Engaged to someone with AS, feeling like I have to choose

[Madhatter333]

I share all that because one has to be very careful around the “Jekyll and Hyde” types that are very possessive and can “turn it on and off.” With guys like that, things don’t get better.

I agree that "Jekyll & Hyde" personality types can be dangerous but it doesn't seem like that's the issue here. Her fiancé seems terrified of being replaced or cast aside, but not angry that he doesn't have dominion over every aspect of her life. I think time, patience, and equal compromise from both people could be the answer. Life is a journey not a destination.

 

[xNIGHTPAINx]

Ok. This sounds like it's dangerously close to not being innocent at all. Not all of a persons problems can be blamed on having AS. It sounds like he has a lot more issues than that. Now don't get me wrong it's awesome that you accept your fiancé just the way he is and that you are doing your best to work with him and help him be better. My word of warning goes along with a few other people here. Just be careful. A lot of these behaviors sound like the precursor to abuse. It may not seem this way but he's manipulating you. Whether it's intentional or not on his part, leaving and going to sit outside at parties, constantly texting you when you're out for updates that's emotional manipulation. Don't give up on your friends outside of your relationship. It sounds like you just need to sit him down and be perfectly honest with him. If you love him and aren't cheating on him he has to trust you. It's not ok for him to constantly seek that validation. Frankly he sounds like a very needy person, which I can be too don't get me wrong but to constantly do that when you're not together or you're both out with friends is just not ok. If after talking to him he doesn't get better or worse I would suggest you cut your losses. I know it won't be easy. Even leaving abusive relationships can be hard. But to get on with your life and possibly find someone who is more compatible with your social like might be a solution.

 

[Atay]

Couples counseling with a therapist who has worked with ASD. I would interview at least 3, and be picky.

This does not sound like something you can solve on your own, and will only get worse without some quality guidance.

 

[etbe]

Leaving a party suddenly isn't something to be overly concerned about. Sometimes Aspies get overwhelmed by social situations and need to escape, you could make an excuse for him like "he hasn't been feeling well" and discourage others from dragging him back (he needs space in such situations). With friends you can just tell them that he has problems with crowds and needs some time alone. Leaving a social situation suddenly is probably the only way he can avoid something worse (like drinking until he vomits).

Repeated SMS etc is a problem, it sounds like it's just a reaction to being cheated on in the past but it's still something that needs attention from at least one psychologist - maybe 2 psychologists, one for couples counselling and one for him on his own.

Aspies generally like rules, try making a rule of "no more than 1 SMS per hour" or something. Don't marry him until that tracking issue is resolved.

When meeting with friends try to keep the group small, if it's you, him, and 2 other people then he may be OK. Another possibility is if you are meeting with a large group of friends have 2-3 of them meet you an hour earlier, then he can hang out with a small group and leave when everyone else appears.