Everyone lers me down so severely that i hurt myself

[Ken]

Horrific things happen to people all the time. Nothing good came out of my traumatic experiences. It wrecked my life in a lot of ways. Telling someone with CPTSD that they need to push through it, let stuff go, and that their experiences will make them stronger can be quite harmful as well as quite inaccurate. I’m a shell of who I once was in a lot of ways. The idea that something positive could come out of that makes me feel nauseous.

I don’t believe that a god was responsible for what happened to me because I don’t believe in any god. For me, it comes down to being in the wrong place at the wrong time and being vulnerable for various reasons.

The OP is free to feel and think however she wants to. It’s her trauma, her CPTSD. Her feelings and lived experience are valid. If I believed in an omnipotent god, I would be furious with him for allowing suffering to happen to decent people. That’s my right as a free-thinking individual.

One of the most painful things to endure is to learn that something I did or said hurt someone.

At first, I decided to just drop it, but it has been eating away at me to the point that I cannot function. I must at least try to fix this.

I deeply apologize and wish to correct my statement. It was misworded. I was not being mindful. It was over simplified. It was not what I really meant to say. Clearly, since I cannot do as that wording suggested myself. I had to look up what CPTSD meant. I have several massive PTSD’s and after looking it up on Google, I realize that seems to fit me.

I suffered a series of catastrophic events in my early life. It was not sexual but it killed a major portion of my soul. And absolutely; I certainly cannot endure and push through those traumas. I can’t even handle thinking about it. Writing this is profoundly hard and has taken me several days.

In brief, I witnessed the murder of my best friends. The best friends of my life - ever. We were joined at the soul. The result is a PTSD that is triggered by anything to do with “cowboy”. Can’t handle country music or anything with a country and western look or theme. Just the sight of a cowboy hat is a trigger. Now imagine that I live in Texas! When triggered I become extremely violent, loss of coherent thinking. Typically, I will bolt in a mad, wild run down the street or anywhere away from the trigger. If anyone attempts to restrain me I will fight with mindless violence. I won’t stop until I get away. I will then be traumatized for months after. Indeed this is a life detriment. I do not believe it is curable or treatable to any degree or any means.

I would like to try to correct my previous statement. Except this time, I have learned to never give advice. This is just saying what I do.

I meant to say that I push through life. That does not mean pushing through my traumas. It means to continue living by meticulously steering around my triggers – not through them. That’s not easy living in a cowboy state, but if I don’t I will not survive. I just have to be diligently obsessive and paranoid about keeping the triggers out of my view or any other sense.

Again, I apologize for the miscommunication and just hope I didn’t do it again.