I have a big problem. This post looks longer than it is because I made sure to keep paragraphs short to avoid wall- text.
Basically, this is a substitute my brain does since I cannot make friends. It is not attachment disorder or obsession. It's a true desire to be a friend and because I cannot, I get attached to someone and it's so strong since it's just one way because I cannot make friends.
It generally, almost always, starts when someone else is continually kind to me. Like a professor or a pastor or even a person who sees my plight and starts to want to know more. Then I think I might have a friend!!
I get excited, but then it all goes south for some reason or other because I cannot make friends, so then it goes into my head.
I will think about them and have a friendship with them in my mind. If it keeps going, they become like my co-pilot, it can be so strong. Often decisions I make can be steered by them (If it's a prof, I could totally switch majors!).
UPSHOT IS:
I want to see them, even if its a glimpse and try to smile at them and want to make them happy doing little things. But..... I NEVER EVER cross the line. Once it goes into just Head Mode, I might give them a card on birthday or a note to say Hi. And I think sometimes they catch on, think maybe I am crushing on them, but I am not.
They are always good people so they, even the imaginary them, never steer me wrong. In fact, the "Them" in my head are probably better than they are in real life because they are an always good form of whoever they are and half the time I DON'T EVEN KNOW THEM because I can't make friends!!
It's like an imaginary perfect them that is leading me around and they make me feel happy, like I have a friend.
DOWN SIDE IS:
However, if I do not see them for a while, I get sad. And if, during this time they do not return a greeting or if they are sharp with me or if they ignore me as people often do when they are in a rush or something, I AM CRUSHED beyond redemption for days.
My Brain Pilot is gone and I am at sea alone with waves all over!
Then I start to realize I am in it again. Then I realize it has happened again, that I am alone in my head, that the other person does not want to be a friend and never did.
It gets really complex and my brain starts to feel hijacked.
........and I try to get them out of my head which is almost impossible.
I dropped out of a great school once when this happened. Another time, dropped out of therapy and T was like "WTH?" Another time, the other person kept leading me on like I was a friend then not then was then not. That went on 14 years.
Now, here is the rub. If I could be a friend, these would all have been just plain friendships! All of them were people who I wanted to just be friends, not more.
In one sense this is not bad at all. It gave me hope and friends when I cannot make them. But it hurts in then end.
I hate autism.
Basically, this is a substitute my brain does since I cannot make friends. It is not attachment disorder or obsession. It's a true desire to be a friend and because I cannot, I get attached to someone and it's so strong since it's just one way because I cannot make friends.
It generally, almost always, starts when someone else is continually kind to me. Like a professor or a pastor or even a person who sees my plight and starts to want to know more. Then I think I might have a friend!!
I get excited, but then it all goes south for some reason or other because I cannot make friends, so then it goes into my head.
I will think about them and have a friendship with them in my mind. If it keeps going, they become like my co-pilot, it can be so strong. Often decisions I make can be steered by them (If it's a prof, I could totally switch majors!).
UPSHOT IS:
I want to see them, even if its a glimpse and try to smile at them and want to make them happy doing little things. But..... I NEVER EVER cross the line. Once it goes into just Head Mode, I might give them a card on birthday or a note to say Hi. And I think sometimes they catch on, think maybe I am crushing on them, but I am not.
They are always good people so they, even the imaginary them, never steer me wrong. In fact, the "Them" in my head are probably better than they are in real life because they are an always good form of whoever they are and half the time I DON'T EVEN KNOW THEM because I can't make friends!!
It's like an imaginary perfect them that is leading me around and they make me feel happy, like I have a friend.
DOWN SIDE IS:
However, if I do not see them for a while, I get sad. And if, during this time they do not return a greeting or if they are sharp with me or if they ignore me as people often do when they are in a rush or something, I AM CRUSHED beyond redemption for days.
My Brain Pilot is gone and I am at sea alone with waves all over!
Then I start to realize I am in it again. Then I realize it has happened again, that I am alone in my head, that the other person does not want to be a friend and never did.
It gets really complex and my brain starts to feel hijacked.
........and I try to get them out of my head which is almost impossible.
I dropped out of a great school once when this happened. Another time, dropped out of therapy and T was like "WTH?" Another time, the other person kept leading me on like I was a friend then not then was then not. That went on 14 years.
Now, here is the rub. If I could be a friend, these would all have been just plain friendships! All of them were people who I wanted to just be friends, not more.
In one sense this is not bad at all. It gave me hope and friends when I cannot make them. But it hurts in then end.
I hate autism.
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