Excuse my autism but...

[LadyS]

This is not a level playing field in regard to rating levels of friendship. Your friend's friendship efforts is easy for her. She likes it. It would be stressful for her if she could not do it. You are on the other side. It is enormously difficult for you. It is not easy at all. Friendship management between you and your friend is totally different and are not comparable. Due to the anxiety burden social gatherings inflict on you, going ahead and doing it places your efforts far above hers because it is not an anxiety burden for her.

My wife is very NT. She requires social contact and becomes deeply depressed if she is not in frequent contact with friends and family. I, on the other hand, suffer intense social anxiety - like you. This creates a tension between us. Fortunately, we both understand each other's feelings, but it is still very hard to figure out how to satisfy her social necessities with my social anxieties. At this point, we have only figured out to try to balance our suffering so neither of us is totally depressed. I guess life is all about balance.

I can relate to this. My NT husband is not super social but he is within reason and a big family man which conflicts with my own withdrawn outlook due to my past. I often feel like I'm holding him back because of it. I think for this reason we tend to live our social lives a bit separately. So he generally attends family affairs and maintains relationships, and doesn't mind going alone. I guess it's now more of an unspoken thing. But yes, agreed on balance. Whatever you can do to make it work.

 

[unperson]

uh,

 

[Misery]

I can certainly understand it.

In my case I tend to just flat out say "nope" to most events and such. Heck, there was a big family reunion recently, and I didnt go to that. When my mom asked why, I just said, very directly "because I dont care. I dont even know any of them. For some of them I genuinely dont even know their names. It'd just be an awkward series of "hi" and "I'm fine" over and over again while pretending to be friendly with them."

And indeed, I did not go. Usually I dont bother explaining myself, because heck with it, so that there was a rare occurance.

I have no idea where I'm going with this.

 

[jleeb05]

I think this is definitely a case-by-case, individualized situation. I'm having the same dilemma. Now that I have a diagnosis, it's like I'm realizing all of the ways in which I've been masking or hiding my discomfort. At the same time, I don't want to make excuses.

I have disclosed my diagnosis to some but I don't think there's any easy answer. I agree with @Fino though. I've been explaining my preferences/symptoms without labelling them as autistic. Sometimes I even frame them as something obvious or something others already knew (because they likely have noticed) ie."You know me, sometimes I get stressed/overwhelmed by social requests and may need to take a step back. I do my best but don't take it personally if I decline your offer or don't respond immediately."

So far, it seems to be working.

 

[Suzette]

I am in the midst of my husbands family reunion right now. These people are LOUD, self absorbed and yet, genuinely friendly, generous and accepting. Not my cup of tea at their prefered volume level. So every hour or so I just left and took a break in my room. When my sister inlaw asked about my disappearances I just told her the truth. "I am not used to so many people and usually keep to myself so I have been taking breaks from the chaos."
That worked out great.

 

[SDRSpark]

Later on, long story short, she decided to stay one night at my place but without any warning or permission, also invited two other mutual friends to stay too (one of them has 3 small kids as well). After that my anxiety level pretty much skyrocketed (do I have enough room for everyone, feeding everyone, I've got a baby in the house, they've all visited here before omg can you say LOUD).

Autism has nothing to do with this. What that "friend" did is extremely rude. No reasonable person would be happy about this.

She wouldn't be invited to stay over anymore if I were in your shoes.

 

[SDRSpark]

@LadyS Curious.. Does this sound like your friend?

Where did you find that? That's a personality type that I haven't heard of before. I usually don't go for this sort of thing but I'm curious about this one.

 

[Varzar]

Where did you find that? That's a personality type that I haven't heard of before. I usually don't go for this sort of thing but I'm curious about this one.

Home :: ColorCode Personality Science
It's called The Color Code. I have the books for it as well.
I find it more useful/practical than a lot of the other personality profiling tools out there (like Meyers Briggs), cause it's simple and fairly easy to remember. And you can readily see the traits even in a short period of time talking to someone (or in this case, hearing a description about them).
I find it helpful for my interactions with people to be able to identify the colour they fit in.

Briefly the idea goes like this:
Everyone has an innate colour that they are born with.
Each colour (red, blue, white, yellow) has positive and negative traits (often flipside of the same coin)
Through people we interact with in life, we can also learn traits of other colours (often those help counteract negative traits of our own innate colour).
Someone with more positive traits of their colour than negative is considered "healthy" vs. "unhealthy" of that colour.
Someone that adopts more positive traits from many colours than negative traits from many colours is considered "charactered" vs. "dysfunctional"

Reds are always right, even when they aren't
Blues are perfectionist and have strong moral/ethical beliefs
Whites are peacemakers, conflict avoiders
Yellows are fun, playful.

 

[SDRSpark]

Home :: ColorCode Personality Science
It's called The Color Code. I have the books for it as well.
I find it more useful/practical than a lot of the other personality profiling tools out there (like Meyers Briggs), cause it's simple and fairly easy to remember. And you can readily see the traits even in a short period of time talking to someone (or in this case, hearing a description about them).
I find it helpful for my interactions with people to be able to identify the colour they fit in.

Briefly the idea goes like this:
Everyone has an innate colour that they are born with.
Each colour (red, blue, white, yellow) has positive and negative traits (often flipside of the same coin)
Through people we interact with in life, we can also learn traits of other colours (often those help counteract negative traits of our own innate colour).
Someone with more positive traits of their colour than negative is considered "healthy" vs. "unhealthy" of that colour.
Someone that adopts more positive traits from many colours than negative traits from many colours is considered "charactered" vs. "dysfunctional"

Reds are always right, even when they aren't
Blues are perfectionist and have strong moral/ethical beliefs
Whites are peacemakers, conflict avoiders
Yellows are fun, playful.

Interesting. I took the test last night and found that I couldn't answer many of the questions because either a) I have no clue how I would have reacted as a child or the given situation never actually happened so I had nothing to go off of or b) what actually happened in the given situation wasn't one of the options (for example, the "was I respected, admired, followed, protected"...NO, I was bullied and ostracized). They also demanded way too much personal information that I didn't want to give them in order to see results.

 

[Suzette]

I took the test but like @SDRSpark, I found some questions impossible to give an accurate answer for. I also found the top section to be anxiety inducing because they deliberately withheld context, and some word groups were very negative.

I did fill out their info to see the results. I got blue.

MOTIVE [ Intimacy ]
Blues are motivated by Intimacy. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers, and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give of themselves freely in order to nurture others' lives.

ABOUT BLUE
Blues have distinct preferences and have the most controlling personality. Their personal code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation as well as paying close attention to special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries). Blues are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical; but can also be self-righteous, worry-prone, and moody. They are "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate them.

 

[SDRSpark]

I took the test but like @SDRSpark, I found some questions impossible to give an accurate answer for. I also found the top section to be anxiety inducing because they deliberately withheld context, and some word groups were very negative.

I did fill out their info to see the results. I got blue.

MOTIVE [ Intimacy ]
Blues are motivated by Intimacy. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers, and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give of themselves freely in order to nurture others' lives.

ABOUT BLUE
Blues have distinct preferences and have the most controlling personality. Their personal code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation as well as paying close attention to special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries). Blues are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical; but can also be self-righteous, worry-prone, and moody. They are "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate them.

This seriously sounds like me, although I probably won't fill in the info to find out.

 

[Suzette]

This seriously sounds like me, although I probably won't fill in the info to find out.

That's o.k. luv, I took the potential spam hit so you don't have to.

 

[Varzar]

This seriously sounds like me, although I probably won't fill in the info to find out.

Yeah, I was happy I picked up the book at a bookstore, so didn't need to give information online. Although, I have a fake email address I usually use for such things.

From what I remember of your other posts on here (which is pretty limited, my memory is getting old.. lol), my initial inclination is that you fit blue as well.
Also, blue makes up the largest segment of the population apparently at around 30%.

Not being able to answer "from your earliest childhood recollection" just ends up giving you the colour(s) you are now more than whatever your innate born colour is.
When I took the test, I took it twice. Once from "my earliest childhood recollection", and the other as of now.
The first resulted in me coming up very strongly yellow. I was always a playful child. I wanted to get along with others (even though I didn't). I was very talkative (that hasn't changed), and I was not terribly responsible.. lol
The second time showed me having a lot more blue and red, which I figure I picked up mostly from my parents, who are both some combination of blue and red (my dad is more red). It makes sense I would have to pick up some of those colours, or I would not have become a more responsible person and been able to have a more successful career and whatnot. Also, my wife is very blue, and I've learned lots from her over the years.

What was good for me about taking the test both ways though was it highlighted to me that I had been letting blue/red run my life. I had stopped being yellow at all. I'd stopped going out and having fun. I'd become very work focused, and that was not being true to my innate yellow. I have since shifted back to trying to have more fun, meet more people, and enjoy life more.

 

[LadyS]

Well everything ended up working out in the end, the other friend ended up not coming due to potential covid exposure to one of her kids. And I told my friend that I wasn't too comfortable having others stay at my house, to which she didn't really say much to.

 

[Varzar]

Well everything ended up working out in the end, the other friend ended up not coming due to potential covid exposure to one of her kids. And I told my friend that I wasn't too comfortable having others stay at my house, to which she didn't really say much to.

Glad it worked out this time.
Are you still considering telling her about who you are so she can understand you better? Otherwise, seems like the problem is just going to be deferred to a later date.

 

[LadyS]

Glad it worked out this time.
Are you still considering telling her about who you are so she can understand you better? Otherwise, seems like the problem is just going to be deferred to a later date.

I am. Just waiting for the right timing. I don't expect this to happen again now that I've told her once about my being uncomfortable. Most of my friends are pretty good about reading between the lines for future occurrences. There's a reason why most of them don't really pop over for a casual visit. I think this one just was testing the boundaries a little but now knows it's pretty set.

I did tell her right after my diagnosis last year that I was dealing with some new developments and that I'd tell her when I was ready to. She's dealt with depression on her side too so I know she'll be understanding.

 

[LadyS]

So I finally came out to my friend last night, since it was just us two and we were having a sort of heart-to-heart. Since she lost her cousin, she's been in a reflective mood and has been making an effort to look out for others and their mental health, etc. So the moment was right.

And her reaction couldn't have been more perfect. Overall saying she never noticed anything different or odd, that nothing has changed and was genuinely curious about how my mind works, understanding my triggers and offering to be helpful but not pushy. This of course branched out to both of us talking about our pasts, how she realized she has social anxiety and all her friendship attempts come from the desire to fit in somewhere, and never having a best friend, etc. We found so much more in common from our talks.

We talked a great deal about how we were raised and how mental health was never talked about, all problems swept under the rug and forced to pretend everything was hunky dory. About some of the community we lost to alcoholism, post-partum, depression etc, all our own age for this very reason of cultural taboo. And finally ending on an idea I had about creating some sort of anonymous hotline or online group that would allow people in our community to come forward anonymously and engage with others that suffer the same issues so they know they're not alone.

Overall, a fruitful evening. Very glad it happened.

 

[Varzar]

So I finally came out to my friend last night, since it was just us two and we were having a sort of heart-to-heart. Since she lost her cousin, she's been in a reflective mood and has been making an effort to look out for others and their mental health, etc. So the moment was right.

And her reaction couldn't have been more perfect. Overall saying she never noticed anything different or odd, that nothing has changed and was genuinely curious about how my mind works, understanding my triggers and offering to be helpful but not pushy. This of course branched out to both of us talking about our pasts, how she realized she has social anxiety and all her friendship attempts come from the desire to fit in somewhere, and never having a best friend, etc. We found so much more in common from our talks.

We talked a great deal about how we were raised and how mental health was never talked about, all problems swept under the rug and forced to pretend everything was hunky dory. About some of the community we lost to alcoholism, post-partum, depression etc, all our own age for this very reason of cultural taboo. And finally ending on an idea I had about creating some sort of anonymous hotline or online group that would allow people in our community to come forward anonymously and engage with others that suffer the same issues so they know they're not alone.

Overall, a fruitful evening. Very glad it happened.

That's perfect! Thanks for sharing how it went!
I'm so glad it went the desired way. From what you'd said about her, it seemed most probable she'd be understanding.
I imagine she probably feels much more connected to you now that she knows that aspect of you as well.

I wonder if she will read up more on AS and/or have more questions for you about it later. Even when NTs are accepting/understanding, I find it takes some time for most of them to really process how different the world is for AS people. I feel like most people I told I was AS only really accepted it/understood it from the basis of, "well that's ok, you're still you.". Which is true.. But then they continue to treat me the same way as before, and still seem puzzled by my reactions sometimes, indicating to me they don't *really* get it. Only my wife has taken the time to read up on it, ask a ton of questions, and really understand the differences.

Anyways, it's great news for you and your friend!! I'm very happy it worked out like that!