• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Explaining alone time in a relationship?

DCA

DCA

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
So I've started dating someone new & things seem to be going good. However tonight & mentioned that I think I need a little alone time. To give some background, she shared some personal stuff with me so I infodumped about being on the spectrum. So she knows about my autistic traits & struggles. Needing a little alone time is a part of that as many others understand. However I'm afraid I handled things poorly & pushed her away. She says she understands, but I'm not so sure.

How do others in relationships with NTs handle this issue, or approach it without causing offense or pushing their partner away?
 
I've only been in two relationships. The first was no problem, as she was neurodiverse and needed alone time as well. And we were happy together, even when we weren't interacting. We could read or work quietly together for hours.

My current relationship is not so accommodating. She seems to think that alone time should result in me coming away from it acting like an NT, as if it was a temporary antidote for ASD . We've been together for years now, and We've drifted apart enough that she doesn't seem to require my presence and attention as she used to. I guess I wore her down.

I do miss being happy and content working quietly together with a partner.
 
DCA, i think your timing was off. You asked for alone time right after she shared personal stuff. So she is going to think the two things are related, that you need alone time because of what she shared with you.
In the future when a woman shares something personal try to let it be her time and then have your time to share at least 3 days later.
 
As an NT I would have appreciated full honesty about the needs regarding alone time. Like - Is it ok if I send messages during that time, just to say I'm here, or would you prefer total quiet? For how long does the need for alone-time usually last? Also, I would probably have liked to be pointed to some information online. Just to be able to read up on it and to avoid misconseptions like @On the Inside mentions.
I think communication and openness is key.
 
If you explained it to her (and she understands) it should be fine :)

One of the major complications that arise with this is in nearly every single movie and nearly every tv show when a character in a relationship tells the other they need some alone time it's taken as rejection and the whole scenario played out is rejection or reconsidering the relationship. So throughout a life time this idea becomes cemented in the psyche. On your part i don't think there is currently much else you can do as you've already explained it to her.
The rest depends on her mental programming.

I can recall hundreds of shows or movies with this scenario and only 1 show where it wasn't completely misunderstood or reflected as the previously mentioned belief shaping. Go figure, it's a show where the main character has autism. Atypical
 
I agree with BraidedPony here... There is nothing wrong with needing alone time and your NT partner seems to be a lovely and understanding person... But it does come down to learning timing of when to share and when to not... Your request for alone time was perhaps too close to her sharing personal information in which case, she might feel rejected... Even though she said she understands, it might also lead her to be more reluctant to share stuff in the future in case it overwhelms you / or that she might perceive that you don't/can't understand her issues.
I've been with an NT partner for years, but was only diagnosed recently, so I can't really comment apart from knowing that I've had to try very hard to read the context I'm in, his mood, what he's saying and then analysing whether something is appropriate to say and how best to say it. It did take quite a few years for him to understand that 'alone time' isn't a rejection of any kind. Having said that, I have to compromise sometimes and make my best effort to go to social occasions or listen to things that aren't interesting. Relationships are give and take, as much as it's uncomfortable for me to socialise when it's the last thing I want to do, it's also uncomfortable for him to go to things alone or his hobbies/problems not be appreciated. So basically, it comes down to timing and understanding the other person and what they want emotionally from you... If emotions are hard to read, then find a way to talk to your partner and ask her how she would like to be supported and if there's anything you can do for her when she's feeling overwhelmed herself. We're all learning at the end of the day. :)
I hope I made some sense...
 
On the Inside said:
I've only been in two relationships. The first was no problem, as she was neurodiverse and needed alone time as well. And we were happy together, even when we weren't interacting. We could read or work quietly together for hours.

My current relationship is not so accommodating. She seems to think that alone time should result in me coming away from it acting like an NT, as if it was a temporary antidote for ASD . We've been together for years now, and We've drifted apart enough that she doesn't seem to require my presence and attention as she used to. I guess I wore her down.

I do miss being happy and content working quietly together with a partner.
Click to expand...
Your first partner....what happened? That seemed like a good thing. What ended it?
 
DCA said:
So I've started dating someone new & things seem to be going good. However tonight & mentioned that I think I need a little alone time. To give some background, she shared some personal stuff with me so I infodumped about being on the spectrum. So she knows about my autistic traits & struggles. Needing a little alone time is a part of that as many others understand. However I'm afraid I handled things poorly & pushed her away. She says she understands, but I'm not so sure.

How do others in relationships with NTs handle this issue, or approach it without causing offense or pushing their partner away?
Click to expand...
I've handled this one so poorly myself in the past so I learned how to broach this subject. I simply tell my significant other that I need time on my own and to please not construe that as rejection, far from it. I explain that it's just a personal need of mine. Doing this really clarifies the situation and does not leave the other person feeling pushed away.
 
With all my relationships with NTs, neither they or myself knew of what actually drove my desire for solitude. Only that I needed it, and took it without any real way to explain it.

And it cost me dearly in each of those relationships. Perhaps a major factor in why being self-aware of one's own autism can be so critical in attempting to improving your life to some extent. In essence, not to know can be catastrophic as it was in my personal relationships with NT females.

Though in hindsight I'll never really know how any of those relationships would have fared had they known and accepted who and what I am. I couldn't explain it at the time, so I had no way to convey to them not to take my solitude personally.

Sad though to look back and realize that in my own ignorance, I sometimes took my need for solitude as a queue that my relationship wasnt't going as well as I thought. I was wrong.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom