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Explaining weird NT rituals

T

TBRS1

Transparent turnip
V.I.P Member
When I'm exhausted from being wrong, I sometimes pretend that I'm right.

When that happens, I think of all the strange NT rituals I have to engage in, daily, and they are all mandatory. Here's a typical one:

I pass a coworker in the hall. The other person inevitably initiates THE RITUAL.

Coworker (raising hand to face level): Hi! (Translation - I see you and know you see me. Are you friend or foe?)

Me (vaguely wiggling fingers at chest level): Hi back atcha! (Translation: I acknowledge your presence and I am not hostile)

Coworker (hustling past): Cool! (Translation - successful completion of ritual. Safety assured)


UHMMMM... So I've worked with these people for twenty years, we pass in the hallway every single day. Are NTs so insecure and frightened that I have to constantly assure them that I am aware that they are there, and that I'm not hostile?

What's up with that?
 
In certain situations communications might have fear as a factor, but in a workplace like you decribe it is usually the opposite and just being friendly. I think just part of maintaining a pleasent social atmosphere.

Such interactions seem to be part of the nature and perhaps the success of social creatures (of which we are one). Every time two ants cross paths they exchange a communication via antenna and chemicals (smell). Every single time. And this has been going on for between 140-168 million years.

ants-communicating-via-touch.jpg


Perhaps it's useful?

;)
 
TBRS1 said:
When I'm exhausted from being wrong, I sometimes pretend that I'm right.

When that happens, I think of all the strange NT rituals I have to engage in, daily, and they are all mandatory. Here's a typical one:

I pass a coworker in the hall. The other person inevitably initiates THE RITUAL.

Coworker (raising hand to face level): Hi! (Translation - I see you and know you see me. Are you friend or foe?)

Me (vaguely wiggling fingers at chest level): Hi back atcha! (Translation: I acknowledge your presence and I am not hostile)

Coworker (hustling past): Cool! (Translation - successful completion of ritual. Safety assured)


UHMMMM... So I've worked with these people for twenty years, we pass in the hallway every single day. Are NTs so insecure and frightened that I have to constantly assure them that I am aware that they are there, and that I'm not hostile?

What's up with that?
Click to expand...
From this post, it might suggest to me that your personal perception of what is going on versus what really is going on is a bit off.

In your example here, it would appear that you are interpreting common, friendly, interpersonal communication with somehow being insecure and frightened, or needing reassurance. You are correct that there are cultural "rituals" at play here. They are not "mandatory" per se, as they are cultural. Now, at an anthropological level there may be some partial truth to your interpretation. For example, the common practice of properly timed eye contact. If you were to see a known co-coworker walking towards you in a hallway, if you saw them far away, then proceeded to look at their face without eye averting, you may notice that they will eye avert just when you want to say "hello" or acknowledge them. So, you might interpret that as an insult for "ghosting" you. The next time you see them down the hallway, eye avert until just the point where you might acknowledge them, now look up into their eyes, and greet them. Two totally different interactions, but in the first example, "staring someone down" is interpreted as a "threat", whereas, eye averting until the last moment, then looking up is "friendly". You can try this little experiment on your own, but sometimes these "cultural" practices go back to when we were 3 hairs from being baboons.:)

Your example above is not about "constant reassurance" as it is a common cultural communication practice, that, in part, may be deeply rooted in our ancient human history.

Sometimes, these little communication cues do not come naturally to the autistic brain, adding to some of our already difficult social difficulties.
 
"From this post, it might suggest to me that your personal perception of what is going on versus what really is going on is a bit off."

LOL - do ya think? :)

Absolutely. This is the absolute crux of my problem. I know what I am supposed to feel ( hi = gentle friendly inclusion), I can emulate what I've analyzed, but I will NEVER be able to "feel" it, so I can't do it naturaly.

Not that I don't "feel." I feel all the time. I just don't feel things when, where, and how others expect me to.

Also - social rituals are mandatory from a survival point of view.

You can't ignore or violate the expectation of the ritual without being shunned. For a social animal, to be shunned is frequently fatal.
 
TBRS1 said:
You can't ignore or violate the expectation of the ritual without being shunned.
Click to expand...
But you can still participate in your own way. You don’t necessarily have to follow what you think is the prescribed protocol.

In your example, two familiar coworkers passing in the hallway - what would the ideal passing look like to you? Not NT to ND, because we cannot know that, but human to human?
 
Literally?

I am mentally lining up my morning workflow. If I pass a person who doesn't look like an imaginary post-war note, I mentally exclude them so I can keep working (on break time I do circle back, but the delay seems to be inexcusable).

The ideal interaction would take place at a time that feels more appropriate (after work when my brain is relaxing, for example).

I know this is rude. Reading it I think "Man, that's rude." So I set my need for a clean mental prep before work aside and do the not rude thing which is scattering my thoughts. I emulate appropriate social interactions, but reluctantly.
 
TBRS1 said:
Literally?

I am mentally lining up my morning workflow. If I pass a person who doesn't look like an imaginary post-war note, I mentally exclude them so I can keep working (on break time I do circle back, but the delay seems to be inexcusable).

The ideal interaction would take place at a time that feels more appropriate (after work when my brain is relaxing).

I know this is rude. Reading it I think "Man, that's rude." So I set my need for a clean mental prep before work aside and do the not rude thing which is scattering my thoughts. I emulate appropriate social interactions.
Click to expand...
So are you saying the ideal passing of two coworkers would involve both of them ignoring each other? Just trying to clarify what your ideal hallway passing would look like.
 
Office culture seems to be rather tricky for everyone I don’t think your problem necessarily falls along an NT/ND divide. Offices have many unspoken rules, depending on where you work and the culture that exists there. Nobody wants to be left out, and I think everyone ends up trying to figure out how to manage the social aspect as well as the work aspect.

I am lucky that I no longer work in an office, and coworker interactions at my work are only for a short period of time in the morning. Nevertheless, I have made a game out of it. I challenge myself to learn everybody’s name, and then when we pass each other and there is interaction expected, I just say their name in a friendly way. That’s it, that’s all it takes. People like it when you know their name.

I understand that distractions to a busy mind can be very irritating. But if we know that the distractions are coming, we can strategize to have our thinking time at a different time. Know that walking in the hallway is not the best time for thinking time.
 
Although, as I think, "ignoring," due to its connotation, strikes me as a loaded term - to "ignore" a person in inherently wrong, unless the individual being ignored demonstrate substantially disrupting behavior.

Maybe... uhm... "Noting, but not overtly acknowledging" is less leading (though clunker to say).
 
"I am lucky that I no longer work in an office, and coworker interactions at my work are only for a short period of time in the morning. Nevertheless, I have made a game out of it. I challenge myself to learn everybody’s name, and then when we pass each other and there is interaction expected, I just say their name in a friendly way. That’s it, that’s all it takes. People like it when you know their name."

This is what I call "emulating." Watch, learn the trick, execute program...
 
TBRS1 said:
"I am lucky that I no longer work in an office, and coworker interactions at my work are only for a short period of time in the morning. Nevertheless, I have made a game out of it. I challenge myself to learn everybody’s name, and then when we pass each other and there is interaction expected, I just say their name in a friendly way. That’s it, that’s all it takes. People like it when you know their name."

This is what I call "emulating."
Click to expand...
I think I understand what you mean, but I like it. I accept that an interaction will take place because two humans who spend a lot of time together are sharing space for a moment, and so instead of doing what I think is expected of me, I do something that I want to do. Practice saying and remembering their names.
 
Those NT rituals aren't weird. They just are. Once you drop the negatively loaded language, acceptance becomes easier. Those nods and hellos are reinforcing friendly relations. I see it as keeping the social web strong (positive) not acting out of insecurity (negative).

An NT might look at your behavior and consider it weird. In a perfect world, they would learn to drop the loaded description and just accept that you are you.

I fall back on being the change I want to see in the world. Wanting the world to change for me doesn't work very often.
 
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