Eye contact, again

[Fino]

I don't know about the "distance" thing. I thought that I'd be OK with it, but I recently found out I kinda wasn't. I guess it depends on the context and who is looking at me.

I was at a show at my fave little spot in the Lower East Side of Manhattan last Wednesday night, and a comedian was on the stage walking around, looking at various people in the audience. I am a regular there, so I can usually claim the good small tables towards the front, about 15 feet from the stage, about 18-20 feet from performers. Anyway, every time she looked at me, or it appeared like she was looking at me but perhaps she was looking just past me or something, I had to look away. It was so awkward!

Maybe it's because it felt similar to having a spotlight shone on me? That's the only thing I can think of.

I've had that exact experience, and I think part of me worried the person was going to talk to me, putting me on stage, basically!

 

[Jojo_LB]

I've had that exact experience, and I think part of me worried the person was going to talk to me, putting me on stage, basically!

Yeah I sort of felt like that! I thought, "What if she asks me a question? What if she includes me for her little sketch or something?"

Maybe part of the reason a lot of us have that fear is because of school. I always thought it was so inconsiderate and rude of teachers to just pick on a quiet person to say something. If someone wants to say something, they'll raise their hand, obviously. If they're not raising their hand, that means they don't have anything to say.

And avoiding their eyes sometimes backfired. They'd pick the ones who were obviously avoiding eye contact with them. Rude!

 

[Tony Ramirez]

And sweating buckets. At least they don't judge where I go.

 

[Fino]

Yeah I sort of felt like that! I thought, "What if she asks me a question? What if she includes me for her little sketch or something?"

Maybe part of the reason a lot of us have that fear is because of school. I always thought it was so inconsiderate and rude of teachers to just pick on a quiet person to say something. If someone wants to say something, they'll raise they'll hand, obviously. If they're not raising their hand, that means they don't have anything to say.

And avoiding their eyes sometimes backfired. They'd pick the ones who were obviously avoiding eye contact with them. Rude!

There's a widespread belief in exposure therapy without knowledge of what that is, except that it's spontaneous, involuntary exposure therapy, like if someone is afraid of lizards so you find them walking down the street and jump out of the bush with a lizard and start chasing them with it and screaming, "Face your fears!!"

That's my symbolic description of school.

 

[Jojo_LB]

There's a widespread belief in exposure therapy without knowledge of what that is, except that its spontaneous, involuntary exposure therapy, like if someone is afraid of lizards so you find them walking down the street and jump out of the bush with a lizard and start chasing them with it and screaming, "Face your fears!!"

That's my symbolic description of school.

I don't understand this thinking! It just helps make a fear into a phobia, imo.

In some of my useless, time wasting moments, I would wish about going back in time to handle situations being my true, authentic self.

So those times a teacher would rudely interrupt my daydreaming, I wish they could've gone like this:

Teacher: "Jo, what are your thoughts on this?"

Me: "Nothing."

Teacher: "Oh that's not true! I'm sure you have even just one thing to say about it!"

Me (getting annoyed): "Well if you give me time to think, I probably will have something to say about it. In the meantime, you can pick her over there, her hand has been raised for the last three minutes."

 

[Clueless in Canada]

In general I rarely look people in the eyes.
If it is someone I am familiar with I do glance at their eyes when talking when I want to make a point.
Sort of like adding an exclamation point to something I say.
But, overall, it just doesn't happen naturally and I don't try to force myself either.

When first diagnosed, I did try for a while.
I can't keep my train of thought though when I must try,
thus keeping the conversation going next to impossible.

Today when having a conversation with a friend that I really more than like,
who is also on the spectrum, I found we were making eye connection without thinking about it
like never before.
He was very upset over problems where he works.
He is a doctor with savant autism.
No he doesn't act like the Good Doctor. More like an Aspie.
Very complicated. Very intelligent in his specialty of medicine. A memory that is unbelievable.

Maybe it was because he was sharing his emotional upset, but, it was a natural feeling to me of
a closer than normal bond.
We both have trouble with emotional bonding.
He has physical closeness issues also. So do I.
Yet we share a connection we both agree upon.
And today the eyes had it!
Finally it was not uncomfortable and it was spontaneous.

I have what you are describing with my current partner. I was married to a different man for 25 years and had difficulty making eye contact with him or if we did make eye conact I squirmed a lot. I have no problem at all with my current partner and I know it has something to do with trust and safety. My partner is probably on the spectrum also though he is undiagnosed and not interested in a diagnosis.