• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Eye contact IS important

@thickpeen
Yup. I have the stare. It is my default for eye contact. I have been "accused" so often of staring from since I was young that I finally gave up the whole eye contact thing. Nowadays I just tell people that I cannot do the look at me thing.
 
I was around 17-18 when I read from some psychology book the importance on an eye contact. That is when I made a decission to do my best. What I have found to make it easier is to focus on details in the eyes. Or then just look through the head. Even tried to see the "soul" behind the eyes for a perioid of time. Did not see it though.
 
So this thread has been dormant for quite a while, but I was discussing the issue in an ASD support group IRL on the weekend and some related issues were raised.

I have difficulty maintaining eye contact with casual friends. I’ve been reprimanded, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” With some people closer to me I can keep eye contact, e.g. with my wife. ;) This is not consistent - my son was, I think, offended when we were talking around the dinner table about recessive genes for blue eyes (I have pale sky blue eyes) which some of my children have inherited. He remonstrated with me that he had blue eyes. From the fleeting glances I can manage, his eyes looked very dark, but they are blue.

I also receive friendly hellos from passers by in the street - people I do not know. Something I am doing is eliciting a social response from them - I think they may perceive me as looking at them longer than is considered “NT-normal” and may be thought of as “staring”. I looked at the links @tree gave earlier in this thread about the “Aspie stare”. Yes, I do this, too, but this is not what is happening in these cases. Anyone else experience this?
 
Many people say it's easier to look not exactly in the eyes of the other person, but e.g. on the nose, eyebrows, forehead, mouth, and it works in terms of the pther person being aware you're paying attention to them.
 
@vergil96, yes, I use these strategies. I have actually taught university students how to use eye contact as part of their presentation skills. I have trained myself to be able to make eye contact in a variety of situations, but generally when they are not “social” interactions. But I am not sure what is happening in the fleeting contacts I described, and I hope I am not making people feel uncomfortable with something I’m doing.
 
Eye contact is natural for me, which is why I get anxious walking past strangers (if I know I'm not going to have any sort of necessary social interaction with them), because I don't like making eye contact with strangers. I don't like seeing them staring or glaring at me, or I worry I might be making them feel self-conscious by looking at them. So I just be sure to avoid eye contact with passing strangers, which can be difficult when eye contact is usually natural to you, because it's like I have to consciously focus on other things or look distracted otherwise I'll meet their eye.
 
vergil96 said:
Many people say it's easier to look not exactly in the eyes of the other person, but e.g. on the nose, eyebrows, forehead, mouth, and it works in terms of the pther person being aware you're paying attention to them.
Click to expand...
I do exactly that too, often without even being aware. I can look into their eyes, but it distracts me, so I stare at noses and foreheads. Until now, people don't seem to notice.
 
Eye contact is very important, but if someone isn't giving it I can usually figure out if it's because of arrogance or shyness. Some superior people won't give you the dignity of acknowledging your existence, which is ill treatment.
 
It has everything to do with Autism Spectrum Disorder, while not every autistic persona necessarily experiences it.

I don't know about dignity or arrogance, only that my parents emphasized to me at an early age that looking in the eyes of another person establishes credibility. That to be reluctant to do so leads many people to speculate that I am somehow projecting dishonesty.

So for me it had to be an acquired skill fighting my own nature. I can do it, but I've never learned to be comfortable with it, except in the instance of being with a significant other.
 
Wow, I've never heard that it is a negative thing to not make eye contact other than seeming shy and not engaging the other person in the conversation. And that looking generally in the direction of the other person is fine. Never received any negative feedback on not looking exactly in the eye either. Just the "are you listening? hello, Huston to Vergil!" type of feedback if I stand with my side to someone or look to the side.
 
vergil96 said:
Wow, I've never heard that it is a negative thing to not make eye contact other than seeming shy and not engaging the other person in the conversation.
Click to expand...

Different values from a different generation. I'm more than twice your age. Also had to deal with growing up in a military household. When values can be somewhat different from civilian mentalities. Where projecting continuous credibility is paramount.

Small wonder I was the one member of my extended family who chose not to enter the military. I figured I already served my time for most of my childhood.
 
IF I do not look you in the eye it's your issue not mine. Lived my life this way fo going on 70 years no intent to change now.
 
Ronald Zeeman said:
IF I do not look you in the eye it's your issue not mine. Lived my life this way fo going on 70 years no intent to change now.
Click to expand...
Same with me. Close to 70 with no intention of changing now.
I have been accused by some, including my mother, that I must by a shifty person who lies. That was always the thought of that generation.
 
Judge said:
It has everything to do with Autism Spectrum Disorder, while not every autistic persona necessarily experiences it.

I don't know about dignity or arrogance, only that my parents emphasized to me at an early age that looking in the eyes of another person establishes credibility. That to be reluctant to do so leads many people to speculate that I am somehow projecting dishonesty.

So for me it had to be an acquired skill fighting my own nature. I can do it, but I've never learned to be comfortable with it, except in the instance of being with a significant other.
Click to expand...
No eye contact in this case is a form of stonewalling. I've had a boss who passive aggressively communicated his contempt and displeasure towards me with this method and other methods.
 
Last edited:
Some parts of who we are, are essential to our being not something that we should be forced to compromise on just to fit in. For many of use looking others in the eye is a painful or very uncomfortable experience. So my case the opinion of majority NT society is not something I will change to better fit in, Any more then I would have my left handed brother switch to his right hand to better fit in. So if someone sees it as stone walling that is their issue not mine.
 
Ronald Zeeman said:
Some parts of who we are, are essential to our being not something that we should be forced to compromise on just to fit in. For many of use looking others in the eye is a painful or very uncomfortable experience. So my case the opinion of majority NT society is not something I will change to better fit in, Any more then I would have my left handed brother switch to his right hand to better fit in. So if someone sees it as stone walling that is their issue not mine.
Click to expand...
It's important to remember context matters, I'm talking about an emotionally abusive person who uses the silent treatment to punish you and have power over you by creating a sense of uncertainty.

I can usually figure out the intentions or reasons behind a lack of eye contact. Whether it is malevolent or benign. You need a cluster of indicators to judge someone's character, anyone who uses just one would be a fool.
 
Last edited:
That's how it works get to know the person don't make assumptions. We are a significant proportion of the population, so any body who generalizes would have a very simple view.I have had situations where a person demanded That I look them in the eye, all this does is make me angry, possibly make me us an expletive. Then they get it.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom