Eye contact

[Nairobi]

It might depend on the situation?? I say that because I think I have learned to glance enough at the eyes to seem like I am making enough eye contact - but I don't know how I come off in general, so who knows. So maybe there are times I am doing it and have no issue at all - I don't know. But what I do know is when it is uncomfortable, the reason is because it feels way too intense and intimate - it feels very, very intimate, so it feels inappropriate with most people - and I find the visual information very distracting, I zero in on how their eyes look, the color, etc - it's like gazing into the eyes of a significant other for me, and it's a harder job to hear everything they are saying when I have to block out the thoughts I am having about how their eyes look. It's also a bit weird, as though the eyes are the windows of the soul, I feel I have no business looking there. I do it anyways sometimes - but then I don't know if I am giving a creepy stare.

Also...just to add...I have also been accused while growing up of staring too much at people - not when they were looking at me. So I am generally so afraid of coming off as being to invasive, as if I am an invasive tentacled alien creature that has no right to invade people's lives or spaces - and that also makes eye contact weird for me, I am afraid I don't have the right. So it's all mixed up.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I've always had issue maintaining eye contact, annoying when people actually ask me to look them in the eye. feel like punching them in the eye. ignorant on their part.

 

[Suzette]

That is exactly how I feel Nairobi.

One problem I have is, how much eye contact is appropriate?
I only really get it right with people I am very close to like my husband and son, and people who are ill or very old.

For everyone else, avoidance first then sitting / standing 5 or 6 feet away to look at a person in a general way, or simply glance quickly and look away.

 

[watersprite]

I only do it, on purpose, when I want to deliver a message to someone who is either important to me or or relatively important - and seems to need it. A sort of altruistic gesture on my part. People generally don't really matter to me, but that fact is freeing. So, because of all those deeply imbedded social connections, other's brains are susceptible to words delivered along with eye contact. I can be a bit much for many humans.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

A spectrum trait? More likely than not I suspect.

I think so, but it was also because of my social anxiety, which made me feel that I needed to measure up to their unstated expectations.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Most of the time I refuse to do it.

Ever been in a meeting with engineers? I swear, we discuss a lot but nobody is looking at anybody.

 

[Suzanne]

Mostly, not too bad now, since I discovered the reason why. But, it gets very difficult when there is more than one on one and like you say: eyes have no idea where to go and I end up looking at the most comfortable expressive face, but then have to force my eyes to shift on to the other one. A complete nightmare, I might add.

If someone is talking excessivily ( such a hypocrite I am lol), I can feel a sense of panic and need to look away. As though I am being ingulfed. I guess it is hyperwareness that comes along. Or, if I am angry or upset, I fail to be able to make eye contact, but do find that other than those occasions, I have improved so much.

 

[SusanLR]

Eye contact has always been uncomfortable with me for different reasons.
Most people I don't care about being around out in public, restaurants, stores, etc.
So it's a way of shutting them out for me. I'm aware they are there, but, I act as if they aren't.
That's why crowds don't bother me.

One on one, if it is someone I feel close to I can do some eye contact, but, it still feels uncomfortable
and I can't seem to talk if I am looking in their eyes. I need to just look away to collect my words.
Another reason is it does feel intimate and I don't want to feel close with people in general.
So it's a way of sort of shutting them out of my space.

Agression? Definitely it can be.
I'm another that has the "...if looks could kill " shots from the eyes.
I know it and use it when I want.
But, in any situation it is an overall uncomfortable thing for me.

And, oh yes, growing up, my Mom always told me I was lying. I knew I wasn't so I paid it no attention.
Don't know why people think this.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

 

[Progster]

I find eye contact uncomfortable. I can look at people when talking to them, but not at their eyes - I make contact briefly and then look away. It feels almost like a physical sensation of being hit - not at all pleasant.

 

[unperson]

I have no problem returning the gaze of dogs or cats but people, ugh I had to for work purposes but eeuw it's mostly unpleasant.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I usually read lips while people are talking, which was hard when everyone was wearing masks everywhere.

I've had a few instances, where I was having a one on one conversation with someone and they were doing a lot of eye contact, and it was so painful that I had to look away from their face entirely and ended up looking at their clothing instead (shirt or pants) and the person thought I was checking them out. I wasn't thinking anything of the sort about the self-flattering NTs lol! Now that's embarrassing.

 

[Ken]

This is an interesting subject for me because before I discovered and started studying autism, I did not know that I could not look at anyone's eyes. I can't even look at eyes in a photo, like in a magazine, etc.
When talking to someone, I always focus on their mouth. I always have, but never thought anything about it. Those who comment on that assumes I am reading their lips because they see that I am wearing obvious high powered hearing aids. (hearing birth defect)
It wasn't until learning about autism that I started to test or try looking at someones eyes and found that I simply can't do it. I can't explain the feeling or logic. I suppose it may be related to my feeling smothered by other peoples view of me. That is a very powerful one. Someone looking at me even from a distance feels like I am being smothered under a heavy lead blanket. It is often totally debilitating. It's like peoples eyes emit kryptonite rays that smother me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What a wonderful poster!

 

[Neko]

Just look at people's cheeks or 1 eyeball in height below their eyes.

Eye contact means you are paying attention and devoting part of your time to someone else's conversation. So when ASDs don't look NTs feel like they are being ignored.

Almost all NTs are not educated in neurological disorders. That is why you get such negative push back on the eye contact thing. Cheeks!!

I am an NT and it is infuriating I get poo-pooed when I explain how neurotransmitters work on mood, motivation, and happiness to other NTs that have normal levels. I get the old Tony Robbins answer.My son and spouse have ASD+ADD+depression. I have read a lot on neurology.

Thanks for explaining this! I've been trying to figure out something similar. I thought looking at the person's nose would be a good idea (close to their eyes, so it shows I'm paying attention, but not locking eyes to challenge them)... but noses are a strange thing to me. They always look a little bit off, but I can never figure out why.

Anyway, for me it depends what mood I am in, and who I am talking too. If I'm feeling relaxed and happy than I can keep eye contact most of the time, otherwise I avoid it.

 

[The Lorax]

That's what I do, find solutions that are out of the box.

 

[NB79]

I am too aware of myself and 'sensitive' of eye contact, i need to manage it, i don't think looks much natural, but to at least not appear too weird in front of others. When i have confidence with people like my parents i relax a bit.

Eye contact with strangers is 'intimidating' for me.