Eyecontact

[Autisticool]

I use my eyes to communicate authority (for lack of a better word). If a service person isn't doing something right, they need to see my disapproval in my eyes and my insistence they do it right -- even though I also communicate quite effectively with my voice/words. But my eye contact (so they can see mine, not so I can see theirs) is either the icing on the cake, or the primary way to get my point driven across. If I'm angry at someone I want them to see it in my eyes. But I don't look into peoples' eyes to figure out THEIR emotions. I "read" their voice and sometimes gestures. So for me, eye contact is important to GIVE OUT my state of mind, rather than to try to figure out THEIRS. I also don't want people to think I'm easily taken advantage of, easily pushed around or easily bullied -- and avoiding eye contact would send this message. I am diagnosed clinically with autism, but somehow, it came with the ability to hold strong eye contact (weird, isn't it??).

 

[Slim Jim]

I use my eyes to see things. I use my words to communicate, or my body language, or my actions, or my tone of voice.

I don't think eyes are very good indicator of state of mind. It's too subtle.

 

[Autisticool]

As a woman in a male dominated world, sometimes voice isn't enough. Certainly, I use my voice quite well, but avoiding eye contact while speaking to an Alpha man just won't cut it. I don't need to see HIS eyes. He needs to see MINE. Men know I'm not afraid of them, just off of my eye contact. I'm not saying I go thru life every minute in Rambo mode, but when it's time to show who's in charge and who's not afraid, I use everything in my tool box, including eyes. Women have to work harder than men to be taken seriously or to assert some authority.

 

[Slim Jim]

Okay. I did not know that. I thought you were some angry young male with a chip on his shoulder.

 

[Autisticool]

Okay. I did not know that. I thought you were some angry young male with a chip on his shoulder.

Maybe it's time for me to put up an avatar.

 

[Slim Jim]

Just noticed , you DO have that female gender logo thingy....

..sigh..sometimes I'm so stupid..it was right in front of me.

 

[Ken]

I use my eyes to communicate authority (for lack of a better word). If a service person isn't doing something right, they need to see my disapproval in my eyes and my insistence they do it right -- even though I also communicate quite effectively with my voice/words. But my eye contact (so they can see mine, not so I can see theirs) is either the icing on the cake, or the primary way to get my point driven across. If I'm angry at someone I want them to see it in my eyes. But I don't look into peoples' eyes to figure out THEIR emotions. I "read" their voice and sometimes gestures. So for me, eye contact is important to GIVE OUT my state of mind, rather than to try to figure out THEIRS. I also don't want people to think I'm easily taken advantage of, easily pushed around or easily bullied -- and avoiding eye contact would send this message. I am diagnosed clinically with autism, but somehow, it came with the ability to hold strong eye contact (weird, isn't it??).

I sort of do the same thing, but I'm not conscious about the eyes. Instead, I use my face and body language, which I have spent time throughout my life practicing. I have a stern face, angry face, serious face, kidding face, etc. (Although I think my kidding face still needs work. Not many people get that one.) When I really want to communicate that I am hard core dead serious, I put on my Clint Eastwood face. That one seems to always work. I've never had to ask anyone if they felt lucky. (kidding face).

 

[Ken]

As a woman in a male dominated world, sometimes voice isn't enough. Certainly, I use my voice quite well, but avoiding eye contact while speaking to an Alpha man just won't cut it. I don't need to see HIS eyes. He needs to see MINE. Men know I'm not afraid of them, just off of my eye contact. I'm not saying I go thru life every minute in Rambo mode, but when it's time to show who's in charge and who's not afraid, I use everything in my tool box, including eyes. Women have to work harder than men to be taken seriously or to assert some authority.

I don't doubt that for a second.

In 2001, I had a female co-worker that everyone was more afraid of than Clint Eastwood. It turns out, however that she is a very nice person as well as very talented in her work. I left that job in 2008, but I remain friends with her.

The management at that company, however was not good to her, displaying great prejudice. I suspect the reasons were multiple. 1) she is female, 2) she was very good at her work, which most of the men found intimidating. I guess I'm a bit different as I was not intimidated; I was impressed.

 

[Pondering]

Does anyone else find eye contact painful, but only sometimes? For instance, depending on the person and your familiarity with them, or lack thereof?

For example, I'm quite comfortable with maintaining eye contact with some people, and - dare I say - endeared by it.

With others, however, making eye contact almost feels like trying to stare into the desert sun or something.

I suspect that some of it may be attributed to being a highly sensitive empath, where avoiding eye contact can be an effective way of shielding myself from sensory overload, just because of how much information can be drawn from just a short exchange of glances. Especially when I'm flooded with copious amounts of external sensory input and I need to limit my sensory input so that I don't get unbearably overwhelmed. If I don't have the emotional energy for eye contact, then I can't do it - it's almost impossible. It has to be in small doses. But if I'm feeling healthy and energized, eye contact becomes almost effortless. Almost.

 

[Autisticool]

Does anyone else find eye contact painful, but only sometimes? For instance, depending on the person and your familiarity with them, or lack thereof?

For example, I'm quite comfortable with maintaining eye contact with some people, and - dare I say - endeared by it.

With others, however, making eye contact almost feels like trying to stare into the desert sun or something.

I suspect that some of it may be attributed to being a highly sensitive empath, where avoiding eye contact can be an effective way of shielding myself from sensory overload, just because of how much information can be drawn from just a short exchange of glances. Especially when I'm flooded with copious amounts of external sensory input and I need to limit my sensory input so that I don't get unbearably overwhelmed. If I don't have the emotional energy for eye contact, then I can't do it - it's almost impossible. It has to be in small doses. But if I'm feeling healthy and energized, eye contact becomes almost effortless. Almost.

This really intrigues me. So if I were to look at a lightbulb without the lamp covering, I'd find the brightness too intense or painful to look at for longer than a few seconds. Does this describe your sometimes experience?

It could be that for strangers or when you're not in a healthy mood, eye contact stimulates the amygdala part of your brain (this area regulates fight or flight or fear responses, and eye contact is not supposed to activate it).

I'm wondering if exposure therapy could reduce this in you. Maybe first stare at pictures of peoples' eyes looking right back at you? My niece had exposure therapy to overcome a phobia for spiders.

I find handshakes too intimate and would rather stare into creepy eyes than grasp someone's hand, especially when sometimes, the hand is sweaty or slimy feeling, and I can't help wonder where their fingers were just prior to the handshake (up their nose? in their mouth? scratching their crotch, etc.).

Do any here who can't tolerate eye contact freely shake hands?

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

Direct eye contact for long periods of time make me uncomfortable. I never liked doing it and the fact that the woman who raised me forced me to have direct eye contact while she screamed at me and verbally abused me for twenty minutes or more nonstop makes this aversion even worse. If I quickly looked away because I was getting uncomfortable, she’d get even angrier and scream at me even more and sometimes hit me for doing it. And it isn’t like she didn’t know people on the spectrum didn’t like making eye contact because she worked in a specialized school for autistic kids and even told me that she knew that me avoiding direct eye contact was just part of my diagnosis.

 

[Autisticool]

Direct eye contact for long periods of time make me uncomfortable. I never liked doing it and the fact that the woman who raised me forced me to have direct eye contact while she screamed at me and verbally abused me for twenty minutes or more nonstop makes this aversion even worse. If I quickly looked away because I was getting uncomfortable, she’d get even angrier and scream at me even more and sometimes hit me for doing it. And it isn’t like she didn’t know people on the spectrum didn’t like making eye contact because she worked in a specialized school for autistic kids and even told me that she knew that me avoiding direct eye contact was just part of my diagnosis.

She was downright cruel, whoever she was. No child/teen should be struck or screamed at for avoiding eye contact. If anything, avoiding it is a sign of submission to authority, and isn't this what the abuser wants? If I want to challenge authority, rather than respect it, I will give intense, direct eye contact. So it's a mystery why she acted that way with you.

On a lighter note, I came upon a tee shirt online store where a tee shirt said, "If you want me to make eye contact, maybe you should make yourself more impressive to look at."

 

[Pondering]

This really intrigues me. So if I were to look at a lightbulb without the lamp covering, I'd find the brightness too intense or painful to look at for longer than a few seconds. Does this describe your sometimes experience?

Yup. This sums up my experience sometimes.

Sometimes I try to make myself make eye contact. A sort of exposure therapy, you could say. However, I also find that looking away is an involuntary response just as much as recoiling one's hand after accidentally touching something hot - I can't help it. It's not that I don't want to make eye contact. It's that I physically can't, sometimes. Even when consciously ignoring my discomfort. But it's really not an issue and doesn't seem to bother the people I interact with.

Eye contact can feel like the most (non-sexually) intimate form of social interaction. Even more than a hug or a handshake. Which is precisely why I prefer to be so sparing and selective with it; it's not just the physical pain and fear activated in my brain when I make eye contact. It's a combination of both the physical pain and the emotional invasiveness of it. Not something I particularly want to try to desensitize/condition myself to.