Falling into the abyss...

[DogwoodTree]

How do you make it stop? When you see a crash coming, when you're sliding into that deep despair, what do you do to keep it from going all the way into that heavy nothingness??

 

[Rocco]

I paint. It started as art therapy. It works wonders. Aside from that, I try to detach and avoid slipping away. It's hard to get "Better" from the darkness. Talk to people, someone, chat, message.

 

[Sass]

I write. It gets it out, and then I can edit it to be whatever I want it to be...

 

[Randomperson]

I live there, I just figure if I never leave it I do not have to fall back into it. Mind you over time it has become less severe or depressing to be where I am, but that is due to the bottom of it being raised up rather than trying to be all happy and crap just to have the legs cut out from under me to drop back into it.

This approach may not be for everyone, but it is the closest thing to a functional way to live day to day that I have found that works for me.

 

[King_Oni]

I analyze myself, and perhaps way, way too much, which might seem I procrastinate... but I suppose self-analysis prevents me from actually falling into the abyss.

I suppose I'm not doing much worthwhile with my time right now, but the one thing I'm doing is in fact preventing depression. And that's what the doctor ordered. I've been over this with therapists, and to them this seemed a healthier approach than downing meds for it. As it would seem some doctors aren't keen on medication as well... and I happen to run into some.

I will however say that it does keep me out of a job pretty much.

My life revolves around doing things I like to do, trying to minimize responsibility and just live a bit more in my own world. So far I'm doing relatively fine in preventing it most of the time. Though I get blindsided every once in a while and often I find that either going for a nap, going for a walk, retail therapy... and probably a few other things help me back up again.

I live there, I just figure if I never leave it I do not have to fall back into it. Mind you over time it has become less severe or depressing to be where I am, but that is due to the bottom of it being raised up rather than trying to be all happy and crap just to have the legs cut out from under me to drop back into it.

This approach may not be for everyone, but it is the closest thing to a functional way to live day to day that I have found that works for me.

Well, I suppose that's partially true for me as well. Living at the bottom prevents one from falling. Much like I try to not place expectations in something/someone, just to avoid disappointment.

 

[Kirsty]

I analyze myself, and perhaps way, way too much, which might seem I procrastinate... but I suppose self-analysis prevents me from actually falling into the abyss.

I suppose I'm not doing much worthwhile with my time right now, but the one thing I'm doing is in fact preventing depression. And that's what the doctor ordered. I've been over this with therapists, and to them this seemed a healthier approach than downing meds for it. As it would seem some doctors aren't keen on medication as well... and I happen to run into some.

I will however say that it does keep me out of a job pretty much.

My life revolves around doing things I like to do, trying to minimize responsibility and just live a bit more in my own world. So far I'm doing relatively fine in preventing it most of the time. Though I get blindsided every once in a while and often I find that either going for a nap, going for a walk, retail therapy... and probably a few other things help me back up again.



Well, I suppose that's partially true for me as well. Living at the bottom prevents one from falling. Much like I try to not place expectations in something/someone, just to avoid disappointment.

Same with me. I find it hard to distract myself as I tend to over-think about certain things which leads to anxiety and depression relatively quickly such as my recent break up. So I went back to college for a ten month course to study art which I enjoy and it definitely keeps me busy and free from negative thoughts. We're now friends and that makes life more bearable and studying easier. Yeah going out in the fresh air really does help. Take care.

 

[Ereth]

I try to talk to somebody, even if all the other person does is listen. I also write, and watch funny YouTube videos.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I exist in layers. It's not really multiple personalities, because they don't have names...they're all me. But they're all different. I don't know if this is an aspie thing, a CSA survivor thing, a bipolar thing, a dissociation thing...I don't know.

Some of the layers are "okay". Some are actually very okay, very functional, not even autistic. I can show up at a social gathering where, if I can get in touch with the right layer, I can appear to be very sociable and enjoyable.

But some of the layers are very not "okay". Those are the ones I try to keep hidden. Those are the ones who desperately want to be known and accepted and loved. But I keep them buried. Even when I want to bring them to the surface for someone else to know what I'm really like inside, I can't. If I try, everything in me shuts down and is completely inaccessible, even to me. So then, no one believes me. No one realizes how tormented parts of myself really are.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what's real. Sometimes I have a total meltdown, but it's all inside, and the only difference on the outside is that I get extra quiet and uncommunicative. On the outside, I look normal, just kind of quiet and empty. But on the inside, I'm screaming and crying and pleading for someone to help me, for someone to just believe me, that I'm not "okay". There's nothing anyone can do to fix it, I know that. But just to be believed, to be known, to be "real" with someone...

That's the abyss for me. I can be shallow and fake, and sort of connect with people. Or I can be the real me, trapped inside myself, completely isolated. I don't know how to bring the two together, or if anyone would stick around if I managed to do it.

 

[Ereth]

I exist in layers. It's not really multiple personalities, because they don't have names...they're all me. But they're all different. I don't know if this is an aspie thing, a CSA survivor thing, a bipolar thing, a dissociation thing...I don't know.

Sounds like it might be all of the above acting in concert.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Some days, depression is just an itch I need to scratch to cope with stress, so I just dive into it head first and let it scrub out my insides like a good bath. My logic keeps me from doing anything stupid like hurting myself because it's so impractical, and keeping the necessary chores done up because I'll be mad at myself when I'm out of my funk. When it's done, I feel relieved of a lot of negative baggage and I can get on being happy again or address issues with a more level head. I learned many years ago to use my emotions to my advantage and it works out for the most part.

@ Dogwood Tree:
...That's not normal? I thought everybody had "layers" and a sort of plethora of mini-me people that were like little avatars of emotions and/or interests, and sometimes one of them would take your body hostage so you just had to ride it out until you could wrestle control back. My four major ones had names at one point and sometimes I would host a meeting to have them discuss what to do about some things.

 

[Wintertime]

I submerge, and persuade myself to seek honesty of that self, to claim the objective truths that define me and my world, in their unbiased state (this means that I reject the perspectives of the status quo almost entirely, rather than reject my own 'uniqueness'). I reject the harmful labels that are bandied about, for they discredit beauty out of hand, and I will not stand for that. I stay true to my perspective, but try not to judge others too much that see not through it, for we are all at different places and we all have our stories. I listen to what others have said, and done. My guiding lights, and dark glasses. I analyse, and balance, sifting till the truth is all that's left. And I live with it, because it is the real. I don't like something? I attempt to change it, and if I cannot, I accept it and its consequences. I ask myself tough questions. I savour the answers. And in the end, I understand much.

It is intellectually far easier to cater to the notion that I am the worst thing that ever plagued the earth, and other people. But that is a simplistic fiction that deserves no place in my head. I've done life hard, perhaps in a small part by dint of higher cognitive awareness, out of a thirst for experience, for life. And life, has been done to me in ways that I wish upon none. But I am not all that bad when I get down to brass tacks, even if I stand alone, there is no compromise and I know well my natural alignment. Fictive reality is winter of artifice, of discontent. My favorite place is the playground, in the dead of night, in the middle of me. Peace and stillness. Freedom of expression. And joy. Love, in everything. It is what I do best.

If others can't see it? It is not meant for them. Some things are meant for some people, other people are meant for other things. All I can offer, is what I have.

The truth that I cherish is my Real, the fiction can go where it is needed to protect and support my respiration and other biological functions. And I think if we took the time to look, we'd see that many of us leave little magics everywhere we go. And quid pro quo. Maybe one day the little magics will unfurl in the wake like a vapour trail. That'd be neat, especially if they twinkle. And when you find certain people and there is magic in the intersection, well that's pretty neat, too.

I'm very strange. I've all but stopped pretending. :}

I exist in layers. It's not really multiple personalities, because they don't have names...they're all me. But they're all different. I don't know if this is an aspie thing, a CSA survivor thing, a bipolar thing, a dissociation thing...I don't know.

What if it's a 'you' thing? What if, you're a multifaceted person, and it's not a negative at all, but something to be embraced? Something that facilitates your ability to affect others in a positive way, if only by ability to understand through many lenses?

I am not telling you what to do, please understand this. However, I have learned that casting off the shackles of these labels that lock me was the most freeing and affirming gesture, gift, that I ever gave myself. It allowed me to thrive in the sense of personal development. Sometimes I backslide. And I must keep them, to participate in the world at large with its nonsense- but at arm's length, like a costume. But it's soon cast off, for the proof is in the pudding, as they say.

And further... you are not alone. I have gone through what you experience, and probably will again, maybe even tomorrow. I understand. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, accept yourself, those things really are strong medicine.

 

[DogwoodTree]

@ Dogwood Tree:
...That's not normal? I thought everybody had "layers" and a sort of plethora of mini-me people that were like little avatars of emotions and/or interests, and sometimes one of them would take your body hostage so you just had to ride it out until you could wrestle control back. My four major ones had names at one point and sometimes I would host a meeting to have them discuss what to do about some things.

I've been told by one of my lay-counselors that everyone has different facets of themselves, different moods, whatever. Maybe some day you wake up and you're just irritated with everything. Or other days life is full of sunshine. Or some days you think more clearly than on other days.

My experience is a little more disparate than that, I think, though I don't have enough access to other people's thoughts to compare, obviously. Here's a blog post that resonates with me...

Parts | Living While Healing

The mood swings, the level and type of access I have to different parts of my personality at any given time, the kinds of things I understand or don't understand or remember or don't remember...all depends on the active "layer" at any given time. And I don't really have control over my movement between layers. I have some control, but mostly it's over the speed of the transition rather than control over where I land. Does that make any sense? Like if I'm crashing, I might be able to delay it some and slow it down, but it's still going to happen. There's very little I've found that reliably works to avoid it completely. And when I'm there, I can't just "think happy thoughts." Then when I'm in a good mood (when a more sociable layer is active) I can't even remember what I was so upset about before. That shift happened earlier today while I was writing that post about the layers. I felt horrendous when I started writing it...thought I would try to describe it some. Then something came up with work, I got distracted looking into it, and by the time I got back to the post, I couldn't even remember what I was going to say much less how I had felt before. I couldn't get to it. It's like that person was some foreigner who I only knew about from a distance. With some work, I was able to recall a few of the thoughts I wanted to share, but it didn't have the depth of insight into the experience like it would have had if that shift hadn't happened.

I honestly don't know if my experience of this is normal or not. It doesn't seem consistent with the behavior I observe in others. But I'm also paranoid about being a "drama queen" or some kind of hypochondriac, so I try not to blow things out of proportion. But the swings this past year have truly been grueling. I literally don't know who I'm going to be at a meeting or during an event scheduled on my calendar. One of my pastors says it's a lack of faith, that these ups and downs are evidence that I'm not standing firmly enough on the things I know are true (because there are times when I do know they're true...like that I'm a lovable person and my life is valuable, and God is with me and loves me, and overall I'm a successful person). But there are times I've felt like I would be doing the world a favor to just disappear. And there are times when I feel like I'm God's gift to mankind, if only people would let me be the awesome person God created me to be. There are times my whole life seems swallowed up by memories of the past, and the messages my parents and step-parents gave me that defined my perception of myself for so long, where I'm a worthless POS and have no right to the air I breathe. I'm so full of anger and hate directed toward myself, I can't imagine being lovable. I can't even hardly put together a coherent sentence. And there are times when I am free, when I admire the person I've become. I can have an enlightening and fun conversation with anyone who crosses my path.

So is that normal?

If your parts have names and conversations with each other...that doesn't sound normal to me, but I don't really know what "normal" is, so......

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm very strange. I've all but stopped pretending. :}

<snip>

What if it's a 'you' thing? What if, you're a multifaceted person, and it's not a negative at all, but something to be embraced? Something that facilitates your ability to affect others in a positive way, if only by ability to understand through many lenses?

I am not telling you what to do, please understand this. However, I have learned that casting off the shackles of these labels that lock me was the most freeing and affirming gesture, gift, that I ever gave myself.

There's a lot of substance in these comments, thank you. That's kind of been my experience with the whole aspie thing. So I'm just not cut out to be a party animal, or the bright and cheerful person who lights up a room when I walk in. That's okay. I have strengths that aren't conducive to easily connecting socially. Okay. I have a name for it now, some kind of understanding of what it is...now I can work with it.

These layer shifts, though...do you remember the TV series Quantum Leap? It kind of feels like that. Where I have no control over the shift, though sometimes I see it coming and can anticipate it. And suddenly I'm a completely different person than I just was (though I tend to be limited to a particular set of layers, not a different one every single time).

 

[Kari Suttle]

Damn this is a loaded question. A lot of the time, its the little boy i babysit. I've been his babysitter since before he could even raise his head on his own, he's like a little brother to me. But even though i know he loves me like an aunt (i'd guess), i always feel like he could do better than me, find a babysitter ten time better than me. A lot of the time its my own random obsessions that distract me from my own head - lately its an old anime i just got back into watching. Distracting with obsessions is the easiest thing ever for me cause its not so much a distraction as it is genuinely fun and absorbing. That's the only way i can ever distract myself from my own head. It likes to lament about things and then i get into black and white, all or nothing thinking, and then i start falling into the black all over again until i finally have had enough and try to pick up the pieces again.

 

[Wintertime]

I want to share something.

When I was a little girl, we had dogwood trees prominently growing. I adored them, for how could I not love a tree that bore flowers? They were protected by law, because they were our official provincial something-or-other, chosen to represent this arbitrary distinction. It was against the law to pick them, or so I was told. Or perhaps through the gauze of memory, I mistake that 'law' for that of trilliums, for they were very rare and it was difficult for them to grow spontaneously in the wild. I explored the woods around my homes a lot (I had two homes), and it was a delight to come across one, like a treasure hunt that you didn't realise you were on until you found it and realised how precious it was, realised its significance. The irony of course is, that much of those woods are gone, replaced by housing developments and commercial stands and other such things. So much for preservation, protection of the trillium, so named for its distinctive tripetals above triplicate leaves. I digress.

The dogwood trees, they were lovely, so stately and dignified in a graceful way, with blooms that made for heart's cheer. I used to pick them anyway. I didn't make the rules. I only break them. *grin*

I never picked a trillium, though. Even little me knew that nature's laws were more sacred than man's.

You know, I just searched 'trillium' to check my memory. And the first page of results had nothing to do with the flower. I didn't bother to check further, but instead refined the term to add 'flower' so that it realised that I wanted the original, and not the many businesses and financial concerns by the name. A microcosm of what I see in the world today, but I could digress for many thousands of words on that thesis. It is a disappointment, as usual. I did finally find this. And it would seem, that my memory is correct. The trillium only blooms every 15 years and is technically legislated as protected. The dogwood is protected by virtue of its status as a representative of an entity.

In BC there are three plants species protected by law

Anyway. Yes, I remember that show. I think of it as not becoming a different person, but looking through a facet that is a response to what is going on around me (or within me), considering that I am highly responsive to external stimuli, and feel things intensely, due to my status of gifted and this other neurological overindulgence that they tell me I have, I'll leave you to guess, wink wink. I just... deal- it's life, I'm used to it. I have joked before about being all 23 of me. But really, it's like immersion in a way, whereas others may simply skirt the surface of a mood or a reaction. At least life isn't dull. I guess when it comes to definitive answers, asking me for any might be barking up the wrong tree. :}

I could get into the neurochemical processes of it, but talking about plants is more fun. :}

 

[DogwoodTree]

The dogwood trees, they were lovely, so stately and dignified in a graceful way, with blooms that made for heart's cheer.

I picked the name DogwoodTree because just a few nights before I came to this board, I had a dream that held a lot of significance for me, and it was still fresh on my mind. The dream was rich with symbolism, and a dogwood branch was part of it. Dogwood trees represent life.

I think of it as not becoming a different person, but looking through a facet that is a response to what is going on around me, considering that I am highly responsive to external stimuli, and feel things intensely...

What if that "facet" is completely out of sync, though, with the demands of the environment? What if, say, I'm truly sad for a friend's deceased family member but when I go to the funeral, I feel...bouncy. Like I want to giggle, or have deep and passionate conversations with people I've only just met?

What if I'm heading to a small group meeting at church that I've been looking forward to all day, and very much want to connect with the people in that group...but when I get there, I completely shut down and find myself fighting images of walking out of there, driving away, and doing something...stupid? I desperately, maddeningly want to open up and talk with the people there, but my mouth is sealed shut. I can't say a thing other than dumb, one-word responses to direct questions.

If the different layers surfacing seemed to be related somehow to the things going on around me, I could see it that way like you said. But often they're completely at odds with a situation and what I want out of it.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've been told by one of my lay-counselors that everyone has different facets of themselves, different moods, whatever. Maybe some day you wake up and you're just irritated with everything. Or other days life is full of sunshine. Or some days you think more clearly than on other days.

My experience is a little more disparate than that, I think, though I don't have enough access to other people's thoughts to compare, obviously. Here's a blog post that resonates with me...

Parts | Living While Healing

The mood swings, the level and type of access I have to different parts of my personality at any given time, the kinds of things I understand or don't understand or remember or don't remember...all depends on the active "layer" at any given time. And I don't really have control over my movement between layers. I have some control, but mostly it's over the speed of the transition rather than control over where I land. Does that make any sense? Like if I'm crashing, I might be able to delay it some and slow it down, but it's still going to happen. There's very little I've found that reliably works to avoid it completely. And when I'm there, I can't just "think happy thoughts." Then when I'm in a good mood (when a more sociable layer is active) I can't even remember what I was so upset about before. That shift happened earlier today while I was writing that post about the layers. I felt horrendous when I started writing it...thought I would try to describe it some. Then something came up with work, I got distracted looking into it, and by the time I got back to the post, I couldn't even remember what I was going to say much less how I had felt before. I couldn't get to it. It's like that person was some foreigner who I only knew about from a distance. With some work, I was able to recall a few of the thoughts I wanted to share, but it didn't have the depth of insight into the experience like it would have had if that shift hadn't happened.

I honestly don't know if my experience of this is normal or not. It doesn't seem consistent with the behavior I observe in others. But I'm also paranoid about being a "drama queen" or some kind of hypochondriac, so I try not to blow things out of proportion. But the swings this past year have truly been grueling. I literally don't know who I'm going to be at a meeting or during an event scheduled on my calendar. One of my pastors says it's a lack of faith, that these ups and downs are evidence that I'm not standing firmly enough on the things I know are true (because there are times when I do know they're true...like that I'm a lovable person and my life is valuable, and God is with me and loves me, and overall I'm a successful person). But there are times I've felt like I would be doing the world a favor to just disappear. And there are times when I feel like I'm God's gift to mankind, if only people would let me be the awesome person God created me to be. There are times my whole life seems swallowed up by memories of the past, and the messages my parents and step-parents gave me that defined my perception of myself for so long, where I'm a worthless POS and have no right to the air I breathe. I'm so full of anger and hate directed toward myself, I can't imagine being lovable. I can't even hardly put together a coherent sentence. And there are times when I am free, when I admire the person I've become. I can have an enlightening and fun conversation with anyone who crosses my path.

So is that normal?

If your parts have names and conversations with each other...that doesn't sound normal to me, but I don't really know what "normal" is, so......

That's really interesting. The patchy memory makes me think of a multiple personality disorder that hasn't fully developed. Never studied that kind of thing, so I'm probably way off. I just remember stories of some with personality orders being interviewed by a psychologist, like one woman who was modest and timid and her other half was proud, confident, and a bit sensual. I don't really believe in absolutes, so I wonder if maybe you're an inbetween? Eh, but more likely I guess is you just have some intense mood swings. One of my relatives especially had some wild swings, I'd say almost as bad as yours, but I really don't know how rough she had it. I think she ended up finding some good medicine to help her out since she wasn't having luck with other methods such as putting on a good CD for a while or just having a good cry. We all got used to it and would just give her space when she needed it and other things as best we understood how. Lots of long, encouraging talks when she hit a deep end. She'd get a bit dangerous sometimes.
I honestly don't put much stock in religious people that attribute every inconvenience as "lack of faith", especially after studying the medical history of one medieval region. They could patch a sword wound, mend a broken arm, heaven forbid you got the flu because that one was a divine punishment. I'm guessing you had a pretty bad go with your parents and step-parents? They say counseling can help heal some of those wounds that do cause the self-loathing swings and some people are able to find closure and put it behind them. I wouldn't know, the one counselor I found to chat for more than three minutes went bat-poop crazy and started making up a bunch of wild things about me and trying to use them to cause trouble, so I'm pretty leery to test the effectiveness of mental well-being personelle.

I guess it's really not that normal. But normal is relative.

Mine is relatively normal in certain places, like among writers and people who create characters. Many times, whether intended or not, if a person is close to their work, an aspect of themselves will possess a character and take a life of its own that way. The therapist of one lady I know is actually using her story of seven characters to help him address some of her problems because they become an almost tangible matter to work with. Outside of writers, yeah, I'm pretty weird and it's been suggested many times I go find somebody to talk to. I just threaten them with the more grumpy of the four, heehee.

 

[DogwoodTree]

it's been suggested many times I go find somebody to talk to. I just threaten them with the more grumpy of the four, heehee.

I'm totally lol'ing ;-)

I honestly don't put much stock in religious people that attribute every inconvenience as "lack of faith"

The guy who said this is one of the most insightful, deep-thinking, grounded individuals I've ever known. That doesn't mean that every comment he makes is well-thought out, and I'm still trying to figure out if this was one of his slip-ups or if he really felt it was a key I needed to hear. As I've tried to hold more closely to the things I know are true, it's helped some. But there are times when nothing good seems possible at all.

I'm guessing you had a pretty bad go with your parents and step-parents? They say counseling can help heal some of those wounds that do cause the self-loathing swings and some people are able to find closure and put it behind them.

Super-short version: Both my parents were mentally ill. Mom had been severely abused as a kid, so suffered from MPD (dx'd after I left for college). Dad...I think he's autistic (not the nice kind), possibly an antisocial personality disorder...to call him "narcissist" would be a compliment. My dad abused my mom, and I think he abused me (memories are sketchy). Mom divorced him, but he still had visitation with us. Mom remarried to a psychopath...think cult-leader kind of personality, very charismatic, but everything is about him...and about sex. My mom, sisters, and I essentially became his "harem"...almost everything he did was out in the open among us...because it was "his duty as our substitute father to teach us how to relate to our future husbands"...but because he never actually raped me, I thought I was crazy that I didn't like it. He gave me such a hard time that I wouldn't embrace the role. I finally got some help after I left for college, my counselor made me report him, he was kicked out, Mom divorced him, he was never charged (so yes, he's still out there), Mom had a nervous breakdown and got her dx of MPD and some treatment. But there's still a lot of codependency patterns in our family (her dad was an alcoholic), and I still have to interact occasionally with my dad and his crazily codependent wife.

I've tried so many different counseling/therapy approaches. Like they were saying on a different thread...talk therapy just doesn't work very well for aspies if the therapist doesn't know what they're doing. And I only just recently figured out my inner aspie-ness, lol. I cut off the most recent counseling stint with my pastors because I got to where I would just shut down as soon as I arrived for our appointments, if not before.

I wouldn't know, the one counselor I found to chat for more than three minutes went bat-poop crazy and started making up a bunch of wild things about me and trying to use them to cause trouble, so I'm pretty leery to test the effectiveness of mental well-being personelle.

I had that happen with one lady a few years ago. I won't tell you what she said...it was really...really...bizarre.

I guess it's really not that normal. But normal is relative.

WHERE did you find some normal relatives???? I need me some of those!!! LOL :-D

 

[Wintertime]

What if that "facet" is completely out of sync, though, with the demands of the environment? What if, say, I'm truly sad for a friend's deceased family member but when I go to the funeral, I feel...bouncy. Like I want to giggle, or have deep and passionate conversations with people I've only just met?

What if I'm heading to a small group meeting at church that I've been looking forward to all day, and very much want to connect with the people in that group...but when I get there, I completely shut down and find myself fighting images of walking out of there, driving away, and doing something...stupid? I desperately, maddeningly want to open up and talk with the people there, but my mouth is sealed shut. I can't say a thing other than dumb, one-word responses to direct questions.

If the different layers surfacing seemed to be related somehow to the things going on around me, I could see it that way like you said. But often they're completely at odds with a situation and what I want out of it.

I just deal with it as best I can. Even when they're completely at odds with a situation and what I want out of it. I just have to try not to let it get to me nor trouble me too much. This too, shall pass, and all that. It is what it is and I accept myself warts and all. It's certainly not my fault that nature dictated that I have a different brain architecture. It just makes me realise what really matters vs. what is petty, and to really appreciate what matters, all the more. That, in fact, is what really breaks my heart. When I've hurt or otherwise deleteriously affected people who really matter to me, especially as a result of something that I have no control over. There's nothing I can do aside from do the best I can, and learn what I can with this earnest heart, and just hope for the understanding and tolerance of those who I care about. From what I glean, it isn't just us that have those problems, though. They are somewhat universal.

I wish you peace and that you can come to terms with what you need.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm totally lol'ing ;-)

She is both my greatest ally and worst foe.

The guy who said this is one of the most insightful, deep-thinking, grounded individuals I've ever known. That doesn't mean that every comment he makes is well-thought out, and I'm still trying to figure out if this was one of his slip-ups or if he really felt it was a key I needed to hear. As I've tried to hold more closely to the things I know are true, it's helped some. But there are times when nothing good seems possible at all.

If he's got good credibility, it might be worth investigating. I know when I started trying to make peace with some heavy mood swings, I finally resolved myself to believe no matter how bad, I would be happy again in time. And it did make easier. I guess that would be considered a type of faith. And it can get rough. Ample self-loathing, hatred, depression, sleeping and eating erratically, the whole nine yards short of self-harm. But I know how it usually goes and within a week or two at most it mostly goes to the back burner again. Is your bad ones predictable enough you could try something like that? Just coast on through and the loved ones in your life help remind you of basics like eating and showering without accidentally pushing you further in?

On a silly note, how about a Star Trek binge and trying to turn into a Vulcan? What few episodes I saw where a Vulcan learned to control their emotions sounded a lot like some of the tricks Mom was taught when she was getting her Bachelors in psychology, like imagining an emotion as a real substance like a cloud and then pushing it away. Somewhat akin to imagining everybody in their underwear when you're on stage so you're not afraid to perform, but I get too caught up trying to figure out who'd wear leopard-print undies and that's just as distracting as stagefright.

I've tried so many different counseling/therapy approaches. Like they were saying on a different thread...talk therapy just doesn't work very well for aspies if the therapist doesn't know what they're doing. And I only just recently figured out my inner aspie-ness, lol. I cut off the most recent counseling stint with my pastors because I got to where I would just shut down as soon as I arrived for our appointments, if not before.

Hrm... Would some kind of non-therapy therapy help? Addressing the issues directly has resulted in some shutdowns, so maybe addressing them indirectly might build up some kind of inner strength to confront them on your own easier when they flair up? Like grooming horses or something? I forget in which cases, but I know with some people who have some issue or another, working with animals or gardening or some simple manual labor type of activity really perked them up. It's as if it builds up their self-confidence or something needed to cope.

WHERE did you find some normal relatives???? I need me some of those!!! LOL :-D

Not in my family, I can tell ya that much!
I would say we'd adopt you on in, but we're highly anti-social. One of the reasons my potential autism was missed for so many years. I fit right in!

Super-short version: Both my parents were mentally ill. Mom had been severely abused as a kid, so suffered from MPD (dx'd after I left for college). Dad...I think he's autistic (not the nice kind), possibly an antisocial personality disorder...to call him "narcissist" would be a compliment. My dad abused my mom, and I think he abused me (memories are sketchy). Mom divorced him, but he still had visitation with us. Mom remarried to a psychopath...think cult-leader kind of personality, very charismatic, but everything is about him...and about sex. My mom, sisters, and I essentially became his "harem"...almost everything he did was out in the open among us...because it was "his duty as our substitute father to teach us how to relate to our future husbands"...but because he never actually raped me, I thought I was crazy that I didn't like it. He gave me such a hard time that I wouldn't embrace the role. I finally got some help after I left for college, my counselor made me report him, he was kicked out, Mom divorced him, he was never charged (so yes, he's still out there), Mom had a nervous breakdown and got her dx of MPD and some treatment. But there's still a lot of codependency patterns in our family (her dad was an alcoholic), and I still have to interact occasionally with my dad and his crazily codependent wife.

....A big virtual hug to you. (Or Understanding Moment of Silence. We are Aspies, and they are notorious for not liking being hugged, heehe.) I'm no professional, but I definitely think your wild mood swings are heavily rooted in your childhood. There may be some natural chemical imbalances in your head, but I think they're buried under all the emotional stress. I haven't the slightest clue how anybody would go about fixing it, I'm just mostly certain that a lot of it would calm down if you were able to find a way to make peace with it. I don't mean "get over it" and certainly not "be happy with what was". Something more along the lines of acceptance, but that's not quite the word I want either...
I haven't been precisely through what you have, but I do understand it to some degree on a personal level. There's a child molester in our family (not that I claim him) who, to the best of my knowledge, has never been reported to anybody because his sister runs interference "because he won't last in prison" and he's never paid the least little bit for his wrongdoings. I get unstable for many days when I'm around him (I was lucky enough I never caught his eye, although not so lucky with other people and I think of it when I'm around him), and it burns me up those monsters are protected. I've gotten lectured and threatened many times because I won't let my son around him, and those lead to even worse instability the following days. I don't care if he only "liked" girls, I'm not taking the risk of my son being his first boy. It's not healthy, but the only thing that gets me out of those depressions is my anger and desire to ensure he never gets a chance at my kid. *sigh* Anger is such a double-edged sword though. Helps you one day, hurts you another. On the plus side, that loser is scared of me, so I've got a foot hold in keeping him at bay.