Family and Holidays and fruitcake oh my

[RemyZee]

I hope everyone is managing through the holidays. I'm so glad I can stop by this page and it seems like a point of sanity even though the world is churning away out there. I have a question; what do you do when a drug addicted family member brings your mom halfway across the country to see you for the holidays without asking, and drops them off without asking, then leaves for California and now you are hosting your elderly mother who you weren't expecting and she keeps going through your things and talking about your weight and telling you how wonderful your brother, who just got out of jail, is; and you are becoming more and more frantic through it all, and you find yourself snapping at your mom over little things: is there any way of saving this holiday? Or at least making it mean something?

 

[Nitro]

Family, fruitcakes and Christmas tradition, huh?
We had one that comes to mind.


Years ago, my family had a fruitcake that was regifted each year for several decades...

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Yeeesh!

What do you do? That sounds like one of those layers of Hell described in Dante's Inferno.

Put a big Christmas bow on her head and gift her to your brother?

 

[Tuffsy]

If finances allowed I would leave your mother there and go away somewhere yourself! Just a thought.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I would put her in a motel room and notify the brother about her change of address. You are being severely taken advantage of and that cannot happen without your acquiescence. Heartless, sure, but until people recognize your boundaries you have no responsibility for them.

Would it help if your mother would chip in for her care, stop meddling with your things, and agree never to talk positively about your criminal brother unless she wants to be responsible for her own life outside of your residence.

There have been times when my mother staying with us would attempt to push my buttons and I would start getting stressed and angry. My spouse would step in and make it clear that unless she started acting respectfully that she is not welcome to stay with us. Things improved tremendously afterwards.

 

[RemyZee]

Family, fruitcakes and Christmas tradition, huh?
We had one that comes to mind.


Years ago, my family had a fruitcake that was regifted each year for several decades...

Ahhh the everlasting font of fruit cake.

 

[RemyZee]

Family, fruitcakes and Christmas tradition, huh?
We had one that comes to mind.


Years ago, my family had a fruitcake that was regifted each year for several decades...

Ahhh the everlasting font of fruit cake

I would put her in a motel room and notify the brother about her change of address. You are being severely taken advantage of and that cannot happen without your acquiescence. Heartless, sure, but until people recognize your boundaries you have no responsibility for them.

Would it help if your mother would chip in for her care, stop meddling with your things, and agree never to talk positively about your criminal brother unless she wants to be responsible for h

I would put her in a motel room and notify the brother about her change of address. You are being severely taken advantage of and that cannot happen without your acquiescence. Heartless, sure, but until people recognize your boundaries you have no responsibility for them.

Would it help if your mother would chip in for her care, stop meddling with your things, and agree never to talk positively about your criminal brother unless she wants to be responsible for her own life outside of your residence.

There have been times when my mother staying with us would attempt to push my buttons and I would start getting stressed and angry. My spouse would step in and make it clear that unless she started acting respectfully that she is not welcome to stay with us. Things improved tremendously afterwards.

Y

There have been times when my mother staying with us would attempt to push my buttons and I would start getting stressed and angry. My spouse would step in and make it clear that unless she started acting respectfully that she is not welcome to stay with us. Things improved tremendously afterwards.

It does happen with my permission I admit. Ugh

 

[RemyZee]

Yeeesh!

What do you do? That sounds like one of those layers of Hell described in Dante's Inferno.

Put a big Christmas bow on her head and gift her to your brother?

Now there's a thought.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Ahhh the everlasting font of fruit cake

It does happen with my permission I admit. Ugh

Have you provided your mom with simple house rules with the consequence that she gets nothing from you except a room if she violates your boundaries? Very hard to do, but necessary, at times.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I hope your holiday season gets better. I don't get the part about fruit cake. The original post never mentioned one but the title did. Am I missing something?

 

[RemyZee]

I hope your holiday season gets better. I don't get the part about fruit cake. The original post never mentioned one but the title did. Am I missing something?

Yes getting better
. The fruitcake thing is a play on the original phrase from Wizard of Oz: "lions and Tigers and bears, oh my" as the characters make their way along the yellow brick road--replacing the lions and Tigers and bears with fruitcake and family and holidays--i guess I was trying to say Christmas can feel a little like going to oz, which is on my mind because i just saw Wicked. I have a weird sense of humor, often my jokes only understood by me, but at least I am laughing!

 

[Mary Terry]

Now there's a thought.

Buy her a one-way bus ticket to somewhere else and put her on the bus?

 

[FayetheAspie]

Yes getting better
. The fruitcake thing is a play on the original phrase from Wizard of Oz: "lions and Tigers and bears, oh my" as the characters make their way along the yellow brick road--replacing the lions and Tigers and bears with fruitcake and family and holidays--i guess I was trying to say Christmas can feel a little like going to oz, which is on my mind because i just saw Wicked. I have a weird sense of humor, often my jokes only understood by me, but at least I am laughing!

I never watched or read that story so that is why I didn't get it. I would have probably recognized it if I had of seeing as how I referrence shows/books myself alot but I have not really seen as many as most people I suppose.

 

[Mary Terry]

I never watched or read that story so that is why I didn't get it. I would have probably recognized it if I had of seeing as how I referrence shows/books myself alot but I have not really seen as many as most people I suppose.

The classic Wizard of Oz story and the original movie do not have fruitcakes, holidays or other things like that along the yellow brick road. I didn't get the reference to fruitcakes, either, until I re-read @RemyZee's post.

 

[Judge]

Years ago, my family had a fruitcake that was regifted each year for several decades...

Sounds familiar. The last time someone gave me a fruitcake it was from someone who gave it to them. I made the dubious decision to eat it, only to discover just to break it up I needed an ice pick. Of course after one taste, I disposed of it, rather than wrap it up and pass it on to some other unsuspecting relative.

 

[Mary Terry]

Sounds familiar. The last time someone gave me a fruitcake it was from someone who gave it to them. I made the dubious decision to eat it, only to discover just to break it up I needed an ice pick. Of course after one taste, I disposed of it, rather than wrap it up and pass it on to some other unsuspecting relative.

They make good doorstops and boat anchors.

 

[RemyZee]

They make good doorstops and boat anchors.

Good to throw at someone breaking into the house.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

The mom thing doesn't sound so terrible. Typical elderly mom stuff. She is saying she loves you, in her own way. Instead of losing your temper, take a moment to reflect, and thank God in Heaven that you still have a mother.

Your druggie relative, however- I would go no contact with them. That is a nightmare ready to happen. Be glad they're in California and not close enough to you to do things like crash out on your back porch reeking of beer and mud, or break into your house, or rob you.

Your mom seems to be a victim of this relative. How much thought went into bringing her to you? How old is she? How is her health? How is her cognitive health? Does she live with you now? What about her home? Is it possible he robbed her before taking her on this cross country road trip?

Your mom is part of your new normal. She was left helpless with you. Her future is totally in your hands. It is a felony to abandon an elderly or completely disabled person. You must find a way to either take her home (is she able to care for herself there? can she handle the trip on her own?), or set her up either in your home or in a place of her own or supportive care home nearby.

Do not abandon her to this druggie ex con. That may lead to her quick decline in health and other things I do not wish to talk about.

Her nitpicking is her way of showing concern and love. I have my mother and ex mother in law who both remind me of things they believe I should change about my life, every time we are on the phone or in person. And it's because they love me. I don't take the criticism to heart. Because I know it's not meant in cruelty. Rather, I respond with love that I promise to take care of myself.

There are words from Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young that I would take to heart, if I were you, regarding your mother:

Just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.

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