Fear of rejection and fear of success.

[Gulas]

Hi there. It'll probably be a long post, so please, stick with me.:spin:

Little intro about me. I'm a 20 years old man. I'm studying engineering. There are thousands of gorgeous women in my university. But I've always had problems with dating and women. I hope your thoughts might help me.

The first main problem is struggle with self-esteem and depression, which I'm still treating them (perhaps always will). I always questioned myself, why would a girl spend time with me? Why would they be with me, since I have AS? Am I attractive?

Experience taught me that attractiveness usually is on the eyes of the beholder. One person can be pretty for some, but not for others. Hell, even honey boo-boo's mother got married.

The point isn't being pretty, but finding the people who think you're pretty. But it can be so exausting.

I like control on my own life, and I'm a man, so it's up to me to find and "chase" the women I want. But unfortunally, my brain doesn't always help. Meeting women requires, a least for me, TONS of effort. That means I'm going to get rejections from some girls and success from others. The success/rejection ratio is unknown.

That's another problem. I know when a girl rejects me, it's not personal. That doesn't mean I'm broken, or ugly. That means we are incompatible, or she is already taken, or she doesn't like men, or whatever. Then why rejection sucks? Why me and some of my friends try to avoid it? Why sometimes there is some kind of a ressentment?

And the opposite also scary me. What if the girl like me, and she becomes my lover. Will I hurt her, or will I be hurt? How much atention I'm supposed to give? What if things get boring and we'll break up? I'm also scared of sharing myself, my feelings, my desires, I'm afraid of letting my guard down, and possible betrayal.

One side of my nature wants women in my life. Other side is scared of it, and scared of the amount of effort necessary to meet women, scared in dealing with someone who I can't control. It's like having one horse tied to my feet, and other horse tied to my hands, and they are running in opposite directions. It's tearing me apart (not literally).

Why when I build some courage and try talk with some girl I feel drained, tired, instead of excited? Is it because of AS? Or because I can't break this habit, these ilusions?

Am I overthinking or just bitching about it? How to act despite all these mind problems? Instead focusing in fears, should I focus on trying to have fun and relax?

How do you guys and girls cope or deal with this?

Well, these are my thoughts.

Thank you for your time. Stay awesome.

 

[Explosition_Rooster]

Well this was an interesting read.

First off, rejection will always suck, no matter what. Only thing is, with an Aspie the effects are much, much stronger since we don't quite know how to deal with it.

The second part is much harder, since we don't notice those little signals that people give off, which results in us mis-reading things that most people wouldn't. Because of this, we often either do too much or too little when it comes to relationships. Sadly I can't really be of much help here as I don't know enough to help you.

I can't really help you with the courage thing. I've never felt this before. Of course, I've haven't spent enough time around other people to say just what I feel when I walk away from the interaction.

I can't say if your overacting or just bitching, because of the above, but focusing on the fun and relaxing should help you out in this regard. As for coping with it I always have to de-compress in a dark room after talking to people.

 

[Gulas]

Well this was an interesting read.

First off, rejection will always suck, no matter what. Only thing is, with an Aspie the effects are much, much stronger since we don't quite know how to deal with it.

The second part is much harder, since we don't notice those little signals that people give off, which results in us mis-reading things that most people wouldn't. Because of this, we often either do too much or too little when it comes to relationships. Sadly I can't really be of much help here as I don't know enough to help you.

I can't really help you with the courage thing. I've never felt this before. Of course, I've haven't spent enough time around other people to say just what I feel when I walk away from the interaction.

I can't say if your overacting or just bitching, because of the above, but focusing on the fun and relaxing should help you out in this regard. As for coping with it I always have to de-compress in a dark room after talking to people.

Hey friend. Thanks for replying.

Good to know that I'm not alone. In the media they portrait that men MUST invulnerable, bang millions of women, have nice car, make much money. And it don't make people fulfilled nor happy, even depressed. Example: Marilyn Manson, Charlie Sheen, etc. They still feel disconected, loneliness.

I don't want to be like these people. I want be ME. I want to be real. And I want a real girl too with little drama as possible, no emotional games, just REAL.

I wonder what would happen if I shared these fears with some girl. Would she have same fears? Would she have insecurities too?

I agree rejection sucks, even though it's not always personal, it's just two people incompatible. And just because rejection happens once, that doesn't mean an never ending pattern of rejection. But step on the dating arena require courage, at least for me.

I believe in taking time to get experience, and not running from it. Aspieness can make it more difficult, but not impossible, and not less worth of fighting for the people I want.
Easy said than done....

Thanks again.

 

[Cherryblossom]

I know this is an old post but I can understand what you are saying and I am very similar to this. I think it’s hard work. In the past I used things like MySpace or Facebook to talk to potential dates as they had information about likes and dislikes. I don’t like dating apps as the tendency to attract people for the wrong reason is quite high.

Not a huge help but you aren’t on your own!

 

[Sophia D]

I feel your hardship, it is very hard to stay interesting and break that wall down, knowing when you do, you expose yourself to vulnerabilities and heartbreak. I think that finding someone you're interested in should be a natural process, and however the feeling of 'I need a boyfriend/girlfriend now' can be counter-productive I think. Anxiety makes it very, very hard with communication and I find that I have to try to run the conversation with this guy I like.
I agree with Cherryblossom, I've tried dating sites and they, at least being a woman are a waste of time, effort and emotional energy.
I hope this helps

 

[MaeveTheRaven]

I really feel you on this one. I'm also an engineer, though a female one, and also I don't really care for gender, so the success ratio much bigger... only it's not.
(Note that right now I'm in a relationship (no, I don't know how that happened).)
My problem is usually the same. I'm afraid to get close to people, because rejections hurts, and yeah, what if it works? What do I do with a partner? My romantic skills are like a stone's, somewhere between non-existent and very little. Though my case may be a bit different, since I'm asexual, so I don't really have motivation to pursue a relationship over a certain point. Touch is also tricky, I think that's a stronger hold-back than the lack of attraction.
So because of all these, even if it works, my mind is constantly going around the question "but how long will this last?", which kind of makes it hard to really get close to a person, because if I let myself get close, I would get hurt when it ends. But if I don't let myself get close, it will definitely end and I will get hurt nontheless. It's a really evil circle.
So right now my ideal future is to be a crazy cat lady alone in a house with like six cats and a solid internet connection.

As for an advice: this has been mentioned above, but stressing about getting someone is not really helpful. If you let it go and just go with the flow, there will be someone who finds you to be a potentional partner. It can come from where you least expect.

 

[alex398]

I know this is an old post but I can understand what you are saying and I am very similar to this. I think it’s hard work. In the past I used things like MySpace or Facebook to talk to potential dates as they had information about likes and dislikes. I don’t like dating apps as the tendency to attract people for the wrong reason is quite high.

Not a huge help but you aren’t on your own!

Do you have aspergers? I am starting to realize, most girls that have that are incredibly beautiful, I never thought about that before lol. Oh and for OP do exactly what you were saying, just be you, the one important thing from my experience is to relax, chill out and find someone you connect with that understands you, dont feel bad about rejection as its a normal part of life. I understand its hard as I'm similar to you but think about what you can handle in a relationship, then go for it.