Feeling depressed immediately after seeing my sister's Facebook post

[Misty Avich]

Just got reminded of how friendless and socially isolated I am when I saw my sister's post on Facebook that she'd met up for coffee with a friend from work who I'd never heard of.

My sister (with learning difficulties) is still better at making friends than me but it's probably because she's pregnant. Like drinking alcohol, being pregnant is another societal norm your peers admire and you become interesting. I guess when the baby is born half the town will be queuing up outside her door to visit and see the baby. Babies score popularity points to women, whether you have autism or learning difficulties or not. Have a baby and then you'll automatically get friends, female friends your own age.

My aunt says my sister "has no friends" to support her during pregnancy and is rather lonely, but I believe none of that. One of her other friends (a friend she knew from school) is a midwife nurse so often gives her helpful tips on late pregnancy, birth, and caring for a newborn. Also she met up with a couple of girls last week whom she knew from her old job who she stays in touch with, and then this morning a girl her age from where she works now. She has more friends than me.

I can't imagine how, because she's quite noticeably not very good with initiating conversation and doesn't have a very variated tone or expression of emotion, and lacks understanding of general knowledge. I thought all these were contributors to how to get friends attracted to you but apparently not. I don't know what she has that I don't. My social skills aren't that bad.

Maybe she has more emotional confidence than me. She does seem to get people's contact numbers and hardly gets rejected on Facebook (unlike me), and always likes and comments on everyone's updates all the time. I do too but not all the time, as I don't want to appear excessive, as I've been told it can annoy or scare people off if you seem too keen.

But being treated differently doesn't help. The average person has over 200 friends on Facebook, that include old school friends, friends of friends, and friends of people you only met like once. For me, people like that reject my friend requests or even block me, leaving me with only having 150 friends on my Facebook (and I've been on Facebook since 2011 and have met loads of people in my life since then), and most of my Facebook friends are just family and extended family, and some people at work and maybe a very few people I don't know very well but were polite enough to add me on Facebook. With most people I know, like 80% of their friends in their friends lists are made up of people they barely know. They said so themselves.

Someone said it's because I have rats as my cover photo which might turn people off. Sorry I don't have pictures of babies and children of my own. I'm ashamed of not being a mum as it is, without being treated differently because of it.

If it wasn't for my rats, husband and family, I would commit suicide.

 

[jsilver256]

Instead of trying to "catch up" to the number of social media friends you think you should have, maybe it'd do you some good to do some self-reflection on why popularity is so important to you. I have only about 50 Facebook friends and I've been there forever.

 

[Misty Avich]

It's not just about Facebook friends. It's about being reminded that I'm the only ASDer in my family or even if my sister or cousins did have ASD it still doesn't appear to affect their ability to make friends like it does me.

I was flicking through my Facebook friends and saw that it ain't unusual to have your pets as your cover photo. In fact it's quite normal. But I don't think it's my cover photo that turns people away. I know people who have really depressing cover photos, like symbols of death, but that doesn't affect their popularity online or offline.

 

[jsilver256]

My brother has 611 friends... 12 times the friends I do... I never honestly even thought to check his friend count until you mentioned it...

 

[Misty Avich]

My brother has 611 friends... 12 times the friends I do... I never honestly even thought to check his friend count until you mentioned it...

I bet most of his friends are people he barely knows personally - yet people on websites are always telling me that people won't add me if they barely know me. Well other people seem to have loads of people they barely know on Facebook. Why are the rules different for me? It's hard to navigate in a world where rule A applies to everyone but rule B only applies to me. Double standards just trouble me. I hate, hate, HATE being treated differently to everyone else.

 

[Alexej]

What is the definition of a friend on facebook?
What is the definition of a friend IRL? Quite different!

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't know about you, but my brother IS much more popular, charismatic, good-looking, intelligent (in the well-rounded way anyway), and famous than me. And I am completely fine with that, and have never compared friends even once until today. What would I do with charisma or popularity anyway? He needs those a lot more than me (different line of work).

Ah, so having more friends on Facebook does signal that one has more friends, is more liked by more people, and can make friends better. Maybe there's nothing really appealing about me no matter what I do and people just dislike me. I don't want to be disliked. I don't do anything to be unlikeable. I know I don't. I feel suicidal whenever I get reminders of this. If there was another person in my close family who lacked friendships as much as I do then I don't think it would get to me so much. And it ain't nothing to do with the type of work she does, because she's a cleaner, just like me (except not at the same place but I used to work where she works and I never got invited out by same-age colleagues there).

I wish I could swap brains with my sister.

 

[jsilver256]

Ah, so having more friends on Facebook does signal that one has more friends, is more liked by more people, and can make friends better. Maybe there's nothing really appealing about me no matter what I do and people just dislike me

None of us know you in real life, and so none of us can truthfully tell you what you want to hear.

But you are talking about 150 friends vs. 200 friends. If that's your takeaway, a perspective adjustment is greatly needed.

 

[Misty Avich]

None of us know you in real life, and so none of us can truthfully tell you what you want to hear.

But you are talking about 150 friends vs. 200 friends. If that's your takeaway, a perspective adjustment is greatly needed.

I meant more than 200 friends. Most people have like 400+ friends, some have 300, or like 250. Some do have less than 100 but those seem to be people who are very picky about who they add on Facebook. But I'm not that picky, and the people I know whom I've send a friend request to in the past don't seem that picky either because they had like 500 friends, that include people I know who also know them, not BFFs as such, more like distant acquaintances. It's so hard to explain because I know the conversation here is going to start going around in circles.

But this thread ain't just about Facebook, it's about my sister.

 

[Rodafina]

...my rats, husband and family...

So, you have a lot going for you then - beloved pets, a loving relationship, and a family that you value. You've also mentioned "good friends" you've met online who are autistic. Many people don't have these very close relationships that affect their every day life. Wanting so much more as measured by "facebook friends" when you have so much already is confusing for me. I think you will never be happy while living in a world where having 200, 300, 500, or 1,000 facebook friends is more meaningful than having 150.

0 facebook friends is comfortable for me and has no bearing on my efforts or successes in forming meaningful relationships in my life.

 

[Misty Avich]

Well yes, I have online friends, for example Jonn, Markness, Blitzkreig, and others, and I don't think my sister has any online friends.

I think I'm just insecure about who I am. I think I hate me more than anyone else does. I probably hate me more than the clique group on the other site do. But you can't say that prevents me from forming friendships, because it hasn't stopped me forming a loving relationship. I express love to him every day and it's so natural. I have a lot, and I mean a LOT of love in me for other people, but none for me. I like my body but I hate my brain. I hate it. Just what ever went on in my mum's womb while I was being created? I think my brain was about to form an NT wiring then a cell grew left instead of right and then all of a sudden it formed into the tangled brain that I didn't want.

My sister should have been the autistic one because my mum had many complications when she was pregnant with her. My sister lost oxygen in the womb, wasn't growing properly, and my mum drank alcohol before knowing she was pregnant but was a few months gone (she didn't often drink much but was going through a rough time then and would have a few drinks a night until she fell asleep, but she stopped drinking when she found she was pregnant). I was planned, and her pregnancy with me went very smoothly. She didn't touch any alcohol when pregnant, and had no complications with me at all. I was born 5 days late and was such a healthy baby that my mum was discharged rather quickly, and I thrived and reached all my developmental milestones on time - unlike my sister, who was delayed in speech and lacked eye contact. But she still seemed to succeed better socially than me. It's not fair.

 

[jsilver256]

It's not fair

I know. But all the love from all the people in the world will not make up for your dislike of yourself.

 

[Aspychata]

I am perfectly content like @Rodafina , with my zero Facebook friends, why l don't even have a Facebook page. Shocking, that l am not holding myself up to unrealistic standards. I helped my neighbor from being evicted, and even referred her to a temp agency where she has done very well. I like doing stuff like that then checking my friend count.

 

[Misty Avich]

It's not just about a Facebook friend count.

 

[Misty Avich]

I like having a Facebook account. There are advantages to it, like the supportive groups I belong to, the joke/meme pages I like scrolling through, looking at pictures people share, and keeping in touch with family members who I don't see often in real life. I would miss it if I didn't have it, and I don't get treated badly there or anything.
But when someone I often compare myself to posts a social success, I go all into self-loathing, depression mode.
I try to take comfort in feeling like I'm not the only person in my family who can't make friends very well, but whenever my sister succeeds with a friendship I feel like I am the one with the least offline friends.

I'd actually rather be my sister than me. I'd rather have lower IQ, not being emotionally disordered, being satisfied with everything, having motivation, being easily led, underthinking instead of overthinking, being oblivious to political issues in the world, having my head in the clouds, that sort of thing. I'm the opposite. I've always been too self-aware, too conscientious, too involved with what's going on around me, feeling emotions too much, overthinking, prone to anxiety, depression, stress and dissatisfaction, feeling isolated, etc. It's worse than having a low IQ. Well, her IQ ain't that low, as she functions normally like everyone else, probably even better than me even though I'm high-functioning too.
She goes to the hospital on her own for check-ups and it all goes smoothly. I go to the hospital on my own for a check-up on something and I end up completely lost and 3 hours late for my appointment. Yes I asked many people where the department my appointment was at was but they didn't seem to know or just gave vague directions that got me more lost. Turns out the department I was looking for wasn't even on the hospital premises but was down the street. It was very embarrassing and I felt absolutely stupid. I am no good at directions. At all.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think I have inherited this trait from my mother, of comparing myself to other people. My mother was never satisfied. Everyone else's houses were better than her's. Everyone else's husbands were better than her's. Even everyone else's kids were better than her's. Okay, no, that does not mean she loved us any less. It means she felt she had failed as a parent while her siblings' children seemed to be "getting on better" than me and my brother and sister, and had no intellectual or emotional or behavioural challenges, and so she felt alone. I do understand how she felt.

 

[Seladon]

My aunt says my sister "has no friends" to support her during pregnancy and is rather lonely, but I believe none of that. One of her other friends (a friend she knew from school) is a midwife nurse so often gives her helpful tips on late pregnancy, birth, and caring for a newborn. Also she met up with a couple of girls last week whom she knew from her old job who she stays in touch with, and then this morning a girl her age from where she works now.

It's understandable to feel sidelined or left out in the cold about all this. I more than empathise with how autistic people who have lower support needs (and that's often us women, let's be real) often go unaided or undetected in daily life, and this can breed the resentment in us of always being overlooked for neurotypicals who are having challenges.

With that being said, though: speaking as a woman in a family and community where at the moment pregnancies are going off left and right--any 'support' or extra attention and help you perceive is coming to your sister and these new mothers is temporary, and often for show or self-gratification. It's another social dance that ends when the music stops. Once a baby stops being cute, novel and exciting, and becomes a screaming toddler or a needy annoying kindergartner, almost everyone outside the family circle and even some inside it stop being interested. Then the mother is left with the kid alone, and barely anyone else cares. Have seen this play out many a time.

If you don't believe me, check out plentiful threads on r/regretfulparents and r/breakingmom or even Mumsnet, where young or new mothers bemoan their decision because of how burdensome, exhausting, isolating it is after a certain point. No-one tells these women that people take self-gratifying and fleeting interest in their baby or little child (not only healthy interest, either), and not in the person this child will become, or in the mother who gave that child life.

It's all rather sad, once you stand back, observe the cycle and work it all out. I'd feel more sorry for your sister, and as someone with a sister myself try to be there for her when no-one else is, because it would mean so much more and bring us closer. Op and I are on different journeys in this life, though, and that's ok. No-one can tell anyone else how to feel, only lend perspective.

 

[Misty Avich]

It's understandable to feel sidelined or left out in the cold about all this. I more than empathise with how autistic people who have lower support needs (and that's often us women, let's be real) often go unaided or undetected in daily life, and this can breed the resentment in us of always being overlooked for neurotypicals who are having challenges.

You're right. Social isolation can be frightening for some of us, as in feeling alone in our struggles and wondering why we can't seem to make friends.

With that being said, though: speaking as a woman in a family and community where at the moment pregnancies are going off left and right--any 'support' or extra attention and help you perceive is coming to your sister and these new mothers is temporary, and often for show or self-gratification. It's another social dance that ends when the music stops. Once a baby stops being cute, novel and exciting, and becomes a screaming toddler or a needy annoying kindergartner, almost everyone outside the family circle and even some inside it stop being interested. Then the mother is left with the kid alone, and barely anyone else cares. Have seen this play out many a time.

If you don't believe me, check out plentiful threads on r/regretfulparents and r/breakingmom or even Mumsnet, where young or new mothers bemoan their decision because of how burdensome, exhausting, isolating it is after a certain point. No-one tells these women that people take self-gratifying and fleeting interest in their baby or little child (not only healthy interest, either), and not in the person this child will become, or in the mother who gave that child life.

A lot of people say this. I don't know how it will turn out for my sister but even if nobody did care about her any more after the baby gets to a certain stage, I don't think she'd care either. She'd probably just be focusing on her baby and enjoying family life. Not much fazes her like it does me.

It's all rather sad, once you stand back, observe the cycle and work it all out. I'd feel more sorry for your sister, and as someone with a sister myself try to be there for her when no-one else is, because it would mean so much more and bring us closer. Op and I are on different journeys in this life, though, and that's ok. No-one can tell anyone else how to feel, only lend perspective.

I will be there for her, even though we live 25 miles apart. I would never shun her. We've always been close. We were like soulmates when we were little, as we're only one year apart in age. We had something like a "twin bond", which made me feel so happy. When we became adolescents she suddenly became more interested in her friends she had found at school, while I had no friends and felt lonely. Her friends bullied me, maybe because they sensed I was a bit jealous of her making friends better than me and that I felt they came between us and I no longer had my soulmate any more. I was alone and became a terrible burden on my mother. It was so disheartening.
Ever since, me and my sister's "twin bond" hasn't been as strong as it was when we were kids, as we went our separate ways for a few years when I got used to not having her around so much. Now we both have boyfriends and live in different towns and have different jobs. But we're still close.