Seriously if you are mesmerized by my pitful life, you must have the life of a mushroom. I am amazed at people who think my life is interesting. A compost heap has more going on then me.[/QUOTE
As a former mycologist and passionate gardener, I find mushrooms and compost fascinating. Seriously. Please do not underrate yourself. Consider this poem by Hafez:
“I wish I could show you,
When you are lonely or in darkness,
The Astonishing Light
Of your own Being!”
This is one of my wishes for you and others.
Maybe I should find God. Or maybe I should just go outside. Who knows?
You don't have to find God. God, however you choose to name or conceive of god, is always there. There is no finding. It is like a fish in water that cannot perceive the water. It is more like learning to "see" the dlvine. It is all around you.
Corollary: There is that divine light already in you, as it is in all people. See Hafez poem.
Getting outside is a good place to settle one's mind. But that is just me.