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Feeling hopeless

I have an appointment to see if I can get a TMS session scheduled. I hope it will happen this time around. I don’t want to suffer anymore.
 
That's expensive. Can you ask if they take on hardship cases? Or find another alternative? Trying to give support, and failing horribly.
 
Both of my parents have agreed to each pay half of the cost for the TMS. Nothing is scheduled yet, though.
 
I hope the treatment starts at least before the month is over. I want to stop suffering and actually live my life.
 
Corona19 has brought good and bad to my life
Positives first. Finished a relationship with my live in boyfriend, discovered being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely, created a indoor garden m and rediscovered my love of running, no clothes shopping for 3 months leading to a reassessment of why I bought so many and what need it was meeting, decided to leave my job (was unhappy the whole time I worked there) found again my love of books, art and music
The bad, struggled having to live with my ex and him being the onllly person I saw, no cuddles/affection financial worries, increased anxiety and depression due to lack of structure and predictability
In the uk I from Saturday as a single person can see my daughter and Granddaughter in our respective homes, I have 5 jobs to apply for, and my home and future is in my hands, stilll feel shaky but positive about the future.
 
Before COVID, I was able to get up and do things. Now it takes me hours to get out of bed and I don’t know what to focus on at all. I hope the TMS will reboot my mind.
 
I’ve had two treatments so far. I understand why others compare it to having a woodpecker tapping on your skull.

Unfortunately, I still suffer from depression but I hope more treatments will start changing my mind.
 
Markness said:
I am now going through phases where I will feel unbearably down one moment and calm the next.
Click to expand...
That's interesting! At least, something is happening. Maybe the calm becomes much more frequent than the down, after you've had more treatments.
 
I’ve been able to cry after not being able to for a long time. It feels like a lot of pressure releases from me when it happens.
 
I read some today since I don’t have to work. My body wants me to nap since I didn’t sleep well last night but the mental health clinic wants me to avoid doing that so it’s going to difficult. I feel calm during the middle of the day.
 
Markness said:
I’ve been able to cry after not being able to for a long time. It feels like a lot of pressure releases from me when it happens.
Click to expand...

I think that's a good sign you're getting better. I hardly ever cried for most of my life. Last year, after I addressed a bunch of repressed emotions I had as long as I can remember, I started crying and it felt like pressure being released like you described. I feel much better now.
 
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