Feeling like a fraud...

[Warwick C]

It may just take you time time find out who are Sass. I think this will be a good place, to help you find your self . we are all different on our own was.

 

[hambone73]

I was diagnosed March of thus year and feel the same way. At 40, I've spent my life trying to awkwardly fit in only to be dismissed as weird. Having an official diagnosis hasn't helped as I feel like saying anything will be some excuse as everyone already has me labeled. It's like its own little hell.

 

[Tarragon]

no, not really.... I think I should have been diagnosed with Autism not Asperger's.... which, imo, is pretty much the same thing well... the doc did say, he would if I had speech delay... one of the reasons I've stopped coming here, besides being impulsive, bored, having nothing to say etc etc etc is because I felt out of place... so many people seemed so "normal"... but then again, everybody is different that is why it is a Spectrum, right?

I can see what you are saying, except to me the thought of no AC to go to now is very scary! This website has helped me no end, and yes I don't always feel connected to everyone (or, anyone in particular) but it helps knowing I'm not totally alone in the universe.

I have been wondering for some time whether this website is dominated by aspies, as opposed to other people on the spectrum away from that specific flavour. It's something that has been itching at the back of my mind. I'd feel terrible if you left the community because you felt you didn't fit in!! In fact, I think this is a topic in its own right, but I've only just started my journey into all this, and don't really know enough about it - yet!

 

[I am that which I am]

Hello,

I know how you feel and have been feeling like a fraud for years. I am successful academically, great grades, top of my MSc program (neuroscience), own a house and rental (which is well regarded in my family), youngest in the family to own his own condo and rent a room out of it, still successful job wise when it is outside of my expertise (neuroscience) etc. Everyone in my family seems impressed, yet I do not feel like I myself have accomplished any of this. These are just things I do because they are expected. Then I recently got discouraged and really screwed up and almost lost everything. Still I got back up rather quickly. Now I am trying to make these things mine and figure out why they might matter to me or not matter to me. Then I also squeaked by many psychologists trying to diagnose me with something or another when I was young and purposely tricked the tests so that I would not be diagnosed. So I learned to be more of an NT than an aspie. Now I am left with feeling like I am both, but really neither. I also tend to be a people pleaser which makes me feel like I can never be myself. I have been trying harder to just be myself whatever that is in the moment. If I feel like behaving in a certain way than I try to do it. And who cares what others might think or want (to a certain extent). Pretty much exactly what Vanilla said.

A (very, very) small amount of aspies or people are like fictional characters. Especially Sheldon or Dr. Reid. lol. We are all quite different. I know I am late to the thread, just my two cents.

 

[ImAnAspie]

Hi,

"Well, Asperger's is a funny animal"

When a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Asperger's back in 2005, I'm not sure I'd even heard of it before let alone know what it was. My psychiatrist was a big wig in Elizabeth Street (Sydney, Australia) and I was originally referred to him (by my employers) for depression. A little later on, he explained to me that it was a form of autism and I got angry and refused to believe it but I never forgot his diagnosis.

To me, an autistic person was someone who sat in a corner rocking, drooling and never talking to anyone. It was sort of like... the very little I knew about autism was only that of a worst case scenario, and that wasn't me so I thought my ex-psych was wrong. However, I started reading about AS, and the more I looked into it, the more I could see 'That's me!' - but I still couldn't handle the fact or even believe I was autistic so I stopped looking into it and just believed I was a "different", shy person to everyone else.

Last year, I went into a psych hospital in Burwood and was being treated by a psychiatrist for alcoholism and depression. Now, this psychiatrist knew nothing of the previous psych 8 years earlier or his diagnosis. After several weeks of many long, intensive sessions, (I think this psych knew me better than my mother did) he also diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome. That's when as they say, the penny dropped and I REALLY started believing it and took it much more seriously.

I started reading about it, studying, taking notes, researching it and before long, it became a special interest and was consuming pretty much every waking hour I had. I even started reading about those in the field and reading about their lives - that's how it goes for me. When I was heavily into TCP/IP, I also knew as much about those who created it as I knew about TCP/IP itself. It just helps me understand things more if I can put faces to discoveries, diagnoses, etc. I love having special Interests.

What gets me is that many people treat it like it's an elite club - like it's cool to be an Aspie - where you have people congratulating others on their diagnosis and others almost asking for coaching on what to say when they go to be diagnosed. I don't get this. Is it because in their part of the world, being diagnosed entitles you to certain benefits from the government? Here in Australia, I don't think the government gives a toss if you're an Aspie or not, so there's no real benefit/incentive to being diagnosed other than you just get to learn why you've always felt like you've come from another planet all your life. Why you have found humans so strange and unpredictable and why animals are naturally more drawn to you than to NT's.

It has been a hard road but I wouldn't give up being an Aspie for anything in the world. Although I never knew it was because of AS that I had/have these certain abilities, it really does give me some really, 'Out Of This World' abilities like hyper focus, being able to concentrate on one thing for like 12 hours or more on end without needing a break or stopping, being able to see things from a different perspective to NT's, unique problem solving skills, etc.

You are what you are - labels don't make you. They may help you gain benefits depending on where you live but 'Only You Truly Know You' and if you've read enough about what it means to be an Aspie and you can honestly identify with it, then that's all that matters - as long as you're not fooling yourself!

Live long and prosper

 

[rollerskate]

Confession: I even wonder about this forum sometimes. Like what if hardly anyone here is actually on the spectrum and we're just confused NTs. What if I'm deluding myself by interacting here and when I finally get around to seeking evaluation and diagnosis I get told there's no way I'm on the spectrum when this forum has gotten me so used to the idea already. And what of me then... I've spent so so so many years researching everything on the planet trying to figure out what is up with me... This has been the absolute end of the road... Will I be destined to just spend the rest of my days never knowing what my issue is our if there is one or if I'm being misdiagnosed etc. I could go on and on. Hopefully I haven't offended anyone with the what if hardly anyone here is on the spectrum question. But that seriously does go through my head, especially since I've seen others misdiagnosed or misidentified with so many other conditions online.

 

[Ereth]

I think if I'd not gotten my diagnosis, I'd be asking myself the same question. But honestly, no one here will reject you, no matter what happens with future testing. It doesn't matter where you are on the spectrum---everyone's welcome here.

 

[Loomis]

My diagnosis is useful. It has utility because it helps me make sense of my behavior and the reactions other people have to it. That gives it validity and makes it true; as William James would say: "the truth is what works."

 

[I am that which I am]

Confession: I even wonder about this forum sometimes. Like what if hardly anyone here is actually on the spectrum and we're just confused NTs. What if I'm deluding myself by interacting here and when I finally get around to seeking evaluation and diagnosis I get told there's no way I'm on the spectrum when this forum has gotten me so used to the idea already. And what of me then... I've spent so so so many years researching everything on the planet trying to figure out what is up with me... This has been the absolute end of the road... Will I be destined to just spend the rest of my days never knowing what my issue is our if there is one or if I'm being misdiagnosed etc. I could go on and on. Hopefully I haven't offended anyone with the what if hardly anyone here is on the spectrum question. But that seriously does go through my head, especially since I've seen others misdiagnosed or misidentified with so many other conditions online.

Even if say a few did happen to be misdiagnosed or the self-diagnosing ones are wrong, it seems like we all search for something common. Perhaps we will never find someone that is exactly like us and is able to understand or a correct label and diagnosis. I have been down that road too, I even started to write a book (A Search for Perfection) to try to make myself understand that the search was futile. I have been trying to find someone who gets it and someone who is exactly like me (personality wise), in theory they are the only one that can understand and will not judge. What I realized along the way is that everyone has some bits and pieces. Like in the film May so many perfect parts but no perfect wholes. Instead of finding despair I found compassion for everyone. We are all a bit different and unique, it seems aspies are usually far more unique and even so from each other. But everyone has bits and pieces that we can appreciate and love. We are all trying to find ourselves and find a safe place. Things like this forum is a safe place even if we are not all exactly the same. We all seem to have issues and although they may be different it could be what unites us rather than separates us. Does it matter if some doctor in a fancy leather chair who does not understand these issues and never experienced them tells us we fit in a particular pigeon hole? We (well I cannot speak for absolutely everyone) are here because we each sometimes need some help and support, have some to offer to others, and/or need to talk to like-minded individuals. We are here because we feel alone and alienated and by being here we are no longer alone. I am not trying to say that what you are feeling is wrong or that you are wrong in thinking it. I often feel that way as well. Simply trying to show you the other side or help you see it differently, beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I can find the nothingness, the emptyness, the loneliness beautiful and I can change those things to be different. Of course I do not always see it as beautiful, I sometimes fear it, I sometimes hate it, I sometimes despair over it. Furthermore, you are not alone to feel that way. I studied in psychology and often wondered well what if I am wrong thinking I have that (aspergers, depression, SAD, GAD). I still think I am wrong sometimes, especially about GAD. GAD is so varied. Some days I feel that must be wrong, some days it does not mater as much, other days I feel it is right. Still if we feel different and can associate with those disorders, there has to be more to it than just being a confused NT.

Diagnostic criterion were also created to try to fit a number of symptoms in a somewhat coherent whole that more or less applies to all under that diagnosis. As useful as they are I dislike them because they forget about the uniqueness of the symptoms and which ones are there in an attempt to oversimplify a condition (for overworked and underpaid med students and interns ). A mental condition is much more complex and variable than the name and criterion suggest.

Although off topic one reason why I recently invented the internet name "I am that which I am" is because I was tired of trying to fit in, be molded, my ex molding me, me molding myself. I am somewhat tired of being a people pleaser and that may be a common issue with many aspies (particularly females). So I decided that I had enough of being pigeon holed and trying to change to please others or fit better in the pigeon hole. Why should I be admired and loved if they love the mask and not the actor/actress behind it? I am that which I am, it is to state that I am myself whatever that may be and I am comfortable and happy with it.

Sorry for ranting a bit. I hope I have conveyed the main message that you are not alone in feeling lost and well alone.

 

[purplemezzo]

I don't care what club I belong to...I just want to know which one. I'm tired of asking, "What's wrong with me?" And with that knowing nothing is wrong with me, but rather finally knowing who I am and that I belong somewhere...because I don't belong anywhere, really. I completely relate to all the social stuff, the anxiety... I wrote a short novel on this post. I guess I barfed out some of my insides. I felt stupid so I erased it. My daughter is on the spectrum. I'm the only one she feels at ease with.

 

[Vanilla]

I don't think it's Aspie women, as I don't feel that way, and I remember an AC member who hasn't posted for a while who was male say the same thing that you guys said.

Yeah, it seems there's a mixed bag here, so I'll retract my theory

It's good to finally learn though. I was always hesitant to bring up the subject, as this forum's like a second home to me. Like Sass, I was worried it was just me.

 

[ImAnAspie]

No. The description of AS describes to a T what's been happening to me all my life and helps to explain why I am the way I am. It just is! Now I fully understand AS, I can't deny being Aspergian any more.

When I was a little kid I was absolutely obsessed with astronomy and used to spend all my time reading about it, drawing star charts. I owned my own 41/2 inch reflector telescope by the age of 7. I'm still obsessed with astronomy and can still talk your ears off about it - and then talk some more until you want to knock me out. Now I know it's a Special Interest. I could read about it 24/7/365 and never get tired of it. That's not normal and is even viewed by some as unhealthy but I love it. Back when I was a kid, I didn't know I had special interests. I just knew I was different to others and had far more interest in the unusual things I liked more than anyone else gets interested in stuff but I I didn't see it as a problem.

The "symptoms" were all there, all along. I just didn't know they were symptoms of something. I just thought "That's just me - I'm just different. Very different!" but it never bothered me and luckily, I never got teased basically because I grew up in the school library away from the other kids - the way I liked it. Now, I have a name (AS) that explains a lot of the ways I am but I'm still me. Still the same and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I guess you could say, much of the description of Asperger's Syndrome has always fitted me! I'm not trying to fit it!

 

[ladykayak]

I've also found that being high-functioning/doing well 9/10 means that people don't believe me. Have recently had a horrendous experience with the NHS, trying to get some post-diagnostic support (a while after diagnosis) in a different health trust from the one I was diagnosed in. Basically they've been really rude and told me they "doubt it" because I have a job and wasn't actively rude when saying hello.

 

[Judge]

I've also found that being high-functioning/doing well 9/10 means that people don't believe me. Have recently had a horrendous experience with the NHS, trying to get some post-diagnostic support (a while after diagnosis) in a different health trust from the one I was diagnosed in. Basically they've been really rude and told me they "doubt it" because I have a job and wasn't actively rude when saying hello.

That concerns me a great deal. Yet another factor in avoiding an official diagnosis aside from the cost. I've come to the conclusion that superficial contact with me may not likely expose my autism so easily.

If I ever do secure a formal diagnosis, I will pick a neurologist or psychiatrist. I would want to avoid the possibility of misdiagnosis in as much as is possible applying the best resources I can afford, knowing it wouldn't be cheap.

 

[ladykayak]

Yep. Concerned me greatly too. My workplace are fabulous about it which gave me the courage to try and access post-diagnostic support (and make use of this resource too) but they've been terrible and made me feel like I've exposed myself pointlessly.

 

[Cerulean]

Oh good glory, I'm glad it's not just me! I think I've spent so long observing people and trying to take on their social characteristics that somewhere along the line my sense of self got severely blurred. I think that's the thing I've found hardest since my diagnosis. I am now free to be myself, but I'm f*cked if I know who that is

I felt that when I first found out too, but have actually noticed it resurfacing lately. My boyfriend would like me to sing in our band, and I'd like to be able to do that, except that I don't know how to sing. I realized last night while singing to the radio on the way home from work that I've spent so long as a mimic, both in my regular life and trying to sound like the people on the radio, that I don't know how to use my own voice. So when I tell him I don't know how to sing and he says oh you sing great, no- I really don't know how to sing, I can't even find my own voice. Really interesting epiphany for me.

 

[Judge]

I realized last night while singing to the radio on the way home from work that I've spent so long as a mimic, both in my regular life and trying to sound like the people on the radio, that I don't know how to use my own voice.

Is mimicry itself actually a left-sided brain function rather than a manifestation of real creativity from the right side of the brain? Interesting to ponder in this instance.

 

[ladykayak]

Is mimicry itself actually a left-sided brain function rather than a manifestation of real creativity from the right side of the brain? Interesting to ponder in this instance.

....the left-brain/right-brain thing's totally discredited.....not a thing...

 

[Judge]

....the left-brain/right-brain thing's totally discredited.....not a thing...

Discredited how? I'm not looking at this in terms of Aspies or NTs. (I see such a dynamic transcending both neurological conditions.)

But I am wondering if mimicry is not construed as a form of creativity.

 

[ladykayak]

Discredited by neurological research....the idea that right-hand brain = creativity and left-hand brain = logic isn't true but one of those neuro-myths that pervades....