Feeling like a general victim:

[Metalhead]

I was able to make an appointment with my therapist for this afternoon.

Y'know, it really sucks that my mother decided to bring up how she feared that Theresa may now be dead just because I cut her out of my life a couple of years ago, so shortly after one of my friends killed himself.

I want a few stiff drinks, which I will deny myself.

I also want a massive plate of buffalo wings, which I also will deny myself.

 

[Kalinychta]

I was able to make an appointment with my therapist for this afternoon.

Y'know, it really sucks that my mother decided to bring up how she feared that Theresa may now be dead just because I cut her out of my life a couple of years ago, so shortly after one of my friends killed himself.

I want a few stiff drinks, which I will deny myself.

I also want a massive plate of buffalo wings, which I also will deny myself.

Sounds like perhaps it’s time for you to cut your mother loose. All she does is make you feel bad.

 

[Callistemon]

Seconded. How can your pain heal when she keeps ripping it open every time it starts to scab over?

What are the practicalities if you decided to take a holiday from your mother, @Metalhead? It's easy to put emails on a block list, and to change your number, and to address letters "return to sender" - but would she show up on your front door? And if, would it be hard not to open it - is there a back door you could leave through if she shows up, or could you put on headphones and be oblivious to any attempts to make embarrassing and manipulative scenes at your front door? Are you looking at moving sometime anyway and then you just pass on your new address only to people you trust and who are good for your life?

Also - does she recruit flying monkeys, as lots of narcissists will?

(If anyone doesn't know what those are, here's a good link. This narcissism resource was recently moved from a Wordpress blog to Medium and access now requires a login, which is a bit of a pain, but it's an excellent resource for anyone dealing with this stuff - tons of straightforward and practical articles on dealing with narcissistic families of origin, from a woman who might as well have lived in a cage when she was a girl, but managed to get away and get a college education after not being allowed to attend high school by her family.)

 

[Kalinychta]

Seconded. How can your pain heal when she keeps ripping it open every time it starts to scab over?

What are the practicalities if you decided to take a holiday from your mother, @Metalhead? It's easy to put emails on a block list, and to change your number, and to address letters "return to sender" - but would she show up on your front door? And if, would it be hard not to open it - is there a back door you could leave through if she shows up, or could you put on headphones and be oblivious to any attempts to make embarrassing and manipulative scenes at your front door? Are you looking at moving sometime anyway and then you just pass on your new address only to people you trust and who are good for your life?

Also - does she recruit flying monkeys, as lots of narcissists will?

(If anyone doesn't know what those are, here's a good link. This narcissism resource was recently moved from a Wordpress blog to Medium and access now requires a login, which is a bit of a pain, but it's an excellent resource for anyone dealing with this stuff - tons of straightforward and practical articles on dealing with narcissistic families of origin, from a woman who might as well have lived in a cage when she was a girl, but managed to get away and get a college education after not being allowed to attend high school by her family.)

Flying monkeys, I like that. There’s another name for them, isn’t there? I can’t remember what it is. Anyway, narcissists… I’ve had recent experience with two of them - one on the forum, the other my mother’s husband. My mother has narcissistic traits as well that have deeply affected me. It’s unbelievable how toxic those people are and how easy it is to get sucked in by them. Luckily you got out, Callistemon, and Metalhead absolutely can, too.

 

[Metalhead]

Flying monkeys, I like that. There’s another name for them, isn’t there? I can’t remember what it is. Anyway, narcissists… I’ve had recent experience with two of them - one on the forum, the other my mother’s husband. My mother has narcissistic traits as well that have deeply affected me. It’s unbelievable how toxic those people are and how easy it is to get sucked in by then. Luckily you got out, Callistemon, and Metalhead absolutely can, too.

Yeah, I have a blood family full of flying monkeys who think my mother is my number one advocate.

I really wanted to snap and tell my mother she was acting like (think of the worst words in the English language and insert them here) when she brought up Theresa in that context last weekend. But I did not want to give her any ammunition to use against me by showing any signs of frustration in the face of that, so I refused to do that. I have to be the adult in the room whenever she is around.

 

[Callistemon]

The other good thing about developing an emotionally neutral exterior around people like that is that it doesn't give them what they want, which is to ruffle you emotionally, and to give them more ammunition, as you say. People like that are not interested in your wellbeing, just in their games and in their public image. They are emotional vampires, some knowingly, some subconsciously. It is not good to spend time with them or share what you are doing with them.

We can't choose our families, @Metalhead, but neither are we obliged to put up with endless streams of BS. Our friends are our chosen family.

@Kalinychta, too right. How are you doing?

 

[Metalhead]

The Powerball is over $300 million now. If my ticket is a winner, I am changing my name, changing my face, getting myself an apartment with a view of Central Park in NYC and severing all ties with the blood family in the process. Then I can invite everybody here for a decadent bash in my new Central Park apartment, and bribe the cops to look the other way when the neighbors complain about the noise and the general debauchery that will be going on there.

I can always dream, can't I?

 

[Kalinychta]

The Powerball is over $300 million now. If my ticket is a winner, I am changing my name, changing my face, getting myself an apartment with a view of Central Park in NYC and severing all ties with the blood family in the process. Then I can invite everybody here for a decadent bash in my new Central Park apartment, and bribe the cops to look the other way when the neighbors complain about the noise and the general debauchery that will be going on there.

I can always dream, can't I?

I’d absolutely attend your party. but you don’t need $300 million to be free. Freedom is a state of mind, not a dollar amount in your bank account.

 

[Metalhead]

I tend to ruminate and rehash my past way too often for my own good. I need to let that go and focus on today instead. Easier said than done since it is breaking a lifelong habit.

 

[Darkkin]

I tend to ruminate and rehash my past way too often for my own good. I need to let that go and focus on today instead. Easier said than done since it is breaking a lifelong habit.

Dude. You said right here. It is about breaking the habit. Being conscious of the behaviour is always one of the biggest and hardest steps.

Kinda like miscalculating the distance and you start to fall, freak yourself out, and then look down to realize, you're on the step you need.

I'm an internalized gaslighter. Nobody is better at diminishing my own worth and skill sets than me because I am the expert on me. It an ongoing process and will be for life.

Habits are easy that is why they're habits. Change can be a wretched friend who is annoyingly right more often than not. Change is Gandalf to a Hobbit.

 

[Callistemon]

My husband put a book on my pile which is actually very interesting. Here's a link:

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

 

[Kalinychta]

I tend to ruminate and rehash my past way too often for my own good. I need to let that go and focus on today instead. Easier said than done since it is breaking a lifelong habit.

There’s really no way to let something go, as far as I know. It’s more like you have to replace fixating on the bad by creating new good things in your life.