Feeling like I don't know who I really am

[Brian0787]

Hi All,

Right now I've been kind of struggling with not knowing who I am and feeling kind of lost. I made a previous post about this area but I have struggled with antidepressants for over 20 years now. I often wonder who I would be without them. In addition to this I am struggling to understand who I truly am as someone with autism. I also am someone who is a Christian and that is a big part of my identity as well. Sometimes with all of these things together I feel like I don't know who Brian is. I feel like when I do have social interactions that I am "performing". Trying to put on a smile and be energetic and friendly. I do feel these things as well but it still feels like I am putting on a performance. I don't know what it's like to be the real authentic me. Does this real me even exist despite the medications I'm on. It's hard to understand who I am. I understand bits and pieces but feel the full picture eludes me somehow.

 

[Jumpinbare]

Many of us have masked so long, that we do it without being aware we are. I had different masks for different situations. So my "me" has a number of fascets, depending on location and who else is there.

 

[Brian0787]

Many of us have masked so long, that we do it without being aware we are. I had different masks for different situations. So my "me" has a number of fascets, depending on location and who else is there.

Thank you for sharing! "Masking" is exactly what it is I think. I've done it so much I think I no longer know the person I truly am underneath. I hope I can begin to deconstruct some of this and maybe begin to find my true self.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Identity is complicated. I read something about it recently, about some research done on neurotypical women, investigating the stereotype that women are bad at maths. The women in the study were all studying maths at university (so obviously they were more than averagely good at it). They were given some questions about their lives, then given a maths test. The women who were given questions that emphasised their identity as "female" did worse on the maths test than those given questions that emphasised other parts of their identity (e.g. maths student). The researchers also looked at ways of making people connect in a friendly way, and discovered that the way to do it was to make people think first of something about their identity that connected them to the other person (e.g. supporting the same football team) rather than something that did not (e.g. different sex, race, nationality). The "thing" that connected them didn't even have to be anything important for it to work.

So everyone's identity is made up of different pieces, and you unconsciously can think of yourself differently and act differently depending on which part of your identity is at the forefront of any given moment.

Masking is something else; everybody does it a little bit, but autistic people tend to need to do it a lot more to fit into neurotypical society and it tends to be more likely to involve deliberately acting in a way that isn't natural to you, rather than just carefully presenting pieces of your identity and suppressing others. Autistic masking can definitely result in being worried that you don't know who you are without the mask any more. There's an article about it here: Masking

So you are not alone. And the real you does exist and is probably the one who made the original post on this thread!

If you've been masking - particularly without knowing it, such as if you were diagnosed as an adult - it can be difficult to figure out who you are "underneath". It can be done, though.

Do you feel able to just... relax... at home? Or anywhere? If there's somewhere you feel most relaxed and calm, that might be the place you are masking the least. So maybe start searching for yourself there? (In the cupboards... behind the curtains... under the bed... )