Feeling like I don't know who I really am

[Brian0787]

Hi All,

Right now I've been kind of struggling with not knowing who I am and feeling kind of lost. I made a previous post about this area but I have struggled with antidepressants for over 20 years now. I often wonder who I would be without them. In addition to this I am struggling to understand who I truly am as someone with autism. I also am someone who is a Christian and that is a big part of my identity as well. Sometimes with all of these things together I feel like I don't know who Brian is. I feel like when I do have social interactions that I am "performing". Trying to put on a smile and be energetic and friendly. I do feel these things as well but it still feels like I am putting on a performance. I don't know what it's like to be the real authentic me. Does this real me even exist despite the medications I'm on. It's hard to understand who I am. I understand bits and pieces but feel the full picture eludes me somehow.

 

[Jumpinbare]

Many of us have masked so long, that we do it without being aware we are. I had different masks for different situations. So my "me" has a number of fascets, depending on location and who else is there.

 

[Brian0787]

Many of us have masked so long, that we do it without being aware we are. I had different masks for different situations. So my "me" has a number of fascets, depending on location and who else is there.

Thank you for sharing! "Masking" is exactly what it is I think. I've done it so much I think I no longer know the person I truly am underneath. I hope I can begin to deconstruct some of this and maybe begin to find my true self.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Identity is complicated. I read something about it recently, about some research done on neurotypical women, investigating the stereotype that women are bad at maths. The women in the study were all studying maths at university (so obviously they were more than averagely good at it). They were given some questions about their lives, then given a maths test. The women who were given questions that emphasised their identity as "female" did worse on the maths test than those given questions that emphasised other parts of their identity (e.g. maths student). The researchers also looked at ways of making people connect in a friendly way, and discovered that the way to do it was to make people think first of something about their identity that connected them to the other person (e.g. supporting the same football team) rather than something that did not (e.g. different sex, race, nationality). The "thing" that connected them didn't even have to be anything important for it to work.

So everyone's identity is made up of different pieces, and you unconsciously can think of yourself differently and act differently depending on which part of your identity is at the forefront of any given moment.

Masking is something else; everybody does it a little bit, but autistic people tend to need to do it a lot more to fit into neurotypical society and it tends to be more likely to involve deliberately acting in a way that isn't natural to you, rather than just carefully presenting pieces of your identity and suppressing others. Autistic masking can definitely result in being worried that you don't know who you are without the mask any more. There's an article about it here: Masking

So you are not alone. And the real you does exist and is probably the one who made the original post on this thread!

If you've been masking - particularly without knowing it, such as if you were diagnosed as an adult - it can be difficult to figure out who you are "underneath". It can be done, though.

Do you feel able to just... relax... at home? Or anywhere? If there's somewhere you feel most relaxed and calm, that might be the place you are masking the least. So maybe start searching for yourself there? (In the cupboards... behind the curtains... under the bed... )

 

[Tom]

Quite a few people have shared similar feelings. I haven't myself but have masked since childhood and know that aspect of it. I don't see anything wrong with masking when its done for the usual reasons, like fitting in, socializing, etc. And I think NTs also do it to some degree. From a Christian perspective I see some validation with what Paul says about being all things to all people. He's there to connect, to relate to be able to communicate.

 

[Outdated]

I guess I just lucked on to a different perspective when I was young. I never asked "Who am I?". For me the question was "Who do I want to be?". The answer has changed and shifted over the years as I've grown and matured but I've never had any angst about it.

 

[Xinyta]

I can relate to not knowing who one's self is. Though I also have never had alot of passion for trying for anything and lived in panicked hiding most of my life so far.

I do think it's masking. I know I have been doing it. On different levels. Trying and failing to hide my Autism, on a lesser scale. And hiding my emotions and mentality, on a grander scale. It's why I relate to the androids/robots on that channel, Our Virtual Time. Thier stone faced look, is how I am about alot. I hardly show emotion outwardly. I also have selective mutism in certain conversations.

But I do think a large number of my problems are psychologically related, then a neurological problem. Not to say that my potential Autism, no matter how minimal it maybe, doesn't influence my other issues.

It's left me being unsure what I want and who I am. Though I am discovering who I am, at this moment. And I am not liking all I see. My psychological conditioning made me alot of things. But mainly, I am selfish and/or disinterested with alot of things. I've been working on reengaging in trying to be more interested and try to be open to learn more. But it's difficult when all I want to do is mentally hide. I particularly am finding it frustrating that I get stuck on what to say, when I should be able to just say something. I have no stress nor anxiety, thanks to the meds. So that isn't playing a factor. I just freeze. Like I my brain blue screened. "Interaction protocol not found".

In anycase. This has made thinking about anything else, hard. But I can sometimes just flow and think on my feet. But most times, I trip up. Second guess. Or just freeze up. Like my body wants to panic. So seeking anything I am not use to is a ordeal in alot of cases.

I don't know how much this'll help. Just sharing my two cents.

 

[Brian0787]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts everyone! They were extremely helpful and you are all so kind! I think I've been "masking" for so long that I began to question who I really was. I think i've been going through some derealization too due to anxiety and stress and it kind of felt like I was losing myself.

 

[Starflowerpower87]

I feel the same way. I’m tired of being around people. I need more time to myself. But then the problem is I get lonely. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had someone I didn’t have to mask around. Someone I could just be myself around. I have never found anyone like this except for my best friend when I was a child.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I think i've been going through some derealization too due to anxiety and stress and it kind of felt like I was losing myself.

I started having derealization when I would go to the grocery store with my mom. Still happens in big stores and in crowds. I've kinda gotten used to it. As a kid it was scary.

 

[Rachie]

Brian0787 we as human beings have multiple identies and we are all just but the one person. A late diagnosis can make you consider who you are again. You are you though and you have not changed. Try and look at it and read helpful things how can you make it a positive in your life. You yourself are a son and a Christian these are now parts of your make up. You can go through them and determine if I am ok with this in your life say an occupation and what would I like to differently or hope to acheive, Unless you feel like unmasking is going to benefit your life or you consider if it needs to change and neurotypicals do it as well to some degree and have got the end of their lives just about ok.

 

[blitzkrieg]

Medications such as the anti-depressant you mention having used (an SSRI) - can cause derealization or depersonalization as a side effect. It is worth thinking about whether maybe the medication is contributing to, or responsible for all of that particular type of symptom?