Feeling Lost

[LilyJo]

OK so here comes a tough love post. Forgive me if this is too blunt! It is very kindly meant. I too struggle with sensory problems and traumatic past. I'm going to try to tell you my understanding of what you wrote in this post and hopefully point out some things you may not have realised. Feel free to ignore all of this if I'm wrong.

You seem to be very attached to the labels that others/you have put on you: particularly autistic and gay. I'm wondering why you are using those as excuse/reason for everything? I don't know if you are aware but you have rebuffed every suggestion given here with those reasons. Maybe you could look differently at yourself? Honestly, those labels are not a big deal to most people. If you don't tell, the most people won't know/care. Try to think of other ways to describe yourself: eg. good actor, kind person (fill in your own!)

Have you considered that you may not want to be independent and responsible on some level? Are you worried that by actually going through with getting a job that you will lose something about your identity? It's OK if the answer to these questions is yes! That gives you a starting point with your therapist - you'd be surprised what can be achieved in therapy when you figure out the right question. I'm wondering if getting a job is actually the real problem as you seem to have the answer to your stated problem already: you are capable of being offered jobs; you managed to get to interviews and perform well enough that someone you dont know thought you were worth paying money to do that job. Think about it like this: what have you got to lose by turning up for 1 day? Even if its a bad experience? What is it that you think is going to happen? You could even just say to yourself that you're going to go for an hour and see. Maybe you're looking at the job as a forever thing which would be terrifying for anyone!! Try for smaller. Maybe you should reconsider the lower paying jobs, as you stated you have no skills or employment history yet. Don't be too proud to start somewhere. You can learn and demonstrate a lot of transferable skills doing the most menial jobs. Again you need to consider it a stepping stone to where you are going eventually. It probably wouldn't hurt to think about what it is that you really want? That is scary, but once you have that you can break it down and work towards tiny pieces at a time.

I'd like to say I completely get the lost feeling. The sad thing is that you do already have your answer (you wrote it in this post!) but you are too scared to see it. I know this because 6 months ago that was me. This is why I hate labels, they make otherwise competent people feel inadequate because they're supposed to be a certain way and that no one could ever accept them just as a person struggling along the same as everyone else does. It is very isolating and confusing. The best bit of advice I can give (again ignoring is absolutely fine!): Think about what you CAN do and focus on now and tomorrow, not that scary place "the future"!! As far as a starting place for therapy, try to honestly think about your motivations: what do you really want from life? How is that different from how things are now? What are you getting out of everything staying the way it is? How do you get to where you want to be (in as many baby steps as possible)? Not easy but hey that's why you lean on others who get it. The best of luck to you.

I hope this is of some help to you. Happy to PM if you ever want to talk about anything in confidence. LJ

 

[Xenocity]

The weird thing is, here, is fairly gay friendly but it seems people have major problems with an outwardly gay man but if you are straight-acting you have no problems. I can't be someone I'm not.

All the jobs here seem to require tons of work history which I don't have, or make you kiss ass or be up someone's ass all day, or clean toilets, there doesn't seem to be any in between. I could try factory work I guess, but again I'd worry about homophobia & the loud noises and stimuli. I tend to work best unbothered, on my own, where there isn't someone breathing down your neck constantly, or worrying about having to keep up with some rate or something per hour.

Well, then it will take time to find a group that you click with.

As for jobs, I know it is difficult that is why I gave up and went to my state agency for help.
You should research the agencies and organizations that can help you find work and other forms of help in your area.
There is a decently high unemployment rate for those between 30-40 in the U.S. and the rest of the developed world.
The unemployment rate is almost has high for those between 18-29 in the U.S. and the rest of the developed world.
I know plenty of my fellow graduates who are perfectly medically normal and are still unable to get hired, due to the huge amount of experience required to get entry level jobs and internships.
Many if not most are still unemployed.

Though with that said, you need to make the first step and sometime that is quite hard to do.

Beware though if you try to get a low paying job such as retail or food services, you will most likely be turned down due to lacking experience in those field and/or picked over for being too educated (if you have degrees and certifications).

Always remember you aren't alone in this.

 

[Robby]

The thing is, is I am scared of someone making a comment or a remark about me. In high school I was bullied constantly & physically and verbally assaulted on a regular basis. So I don't trust people to this day. I am afraid that if I show up to one of these jobs someone there will pick on me or make a comment about me. Now granted I can handle myself, but if someone comes at me now, I tend to not be so subtle if you know what I mean. Meaning I'd tell them to **** off if someone bothered me. I hear what you're saying, but I am trapped in my own head.

It's just frustrating because like I said I am a good interviewer, I tend to get offers but then I psych myself out because I am still trapped in high school, I am afraid people at work will try to sabotage me, because let's face it, we live in a very homophobic society and in high school I was routinely abused & picked on. And nobody did anything about it.

I really feel lost, because I have some education and consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, but I don't have any work experience, but I have some education. I don't know where to turn. Voc Rehab in my state wanted to put me in a 6.00 an hour program cleaning toilets. I don't have down syndrome. I simply have mild autism. I know the things I am good at, but I don't know what jobs to try for.

 

[Markymarkh]

No need to feel lost! Find what you love doing! What are passionate about? Write to companies that have similar ideas to you and don't be fearful, we are all equal with the lights out! They eat **** sleep piss and shag like anybody else! Nothing special about them! You can be better than anybody if you want to be!

 

[Robby]

I know what I'm good at. I'm really good at writing, blogging, I have a quick wit, I love pop culture, fashion, stuff like that, and I'm also really good at answering phones. I wonder Perez Hilton's job is up for an assistant? Lol. I know it's stupid to obsess so much about things that happened years ago, but it was REALLY bad. I skipped tons of school in high school because of it. I also know that as an adult, people wouldn't dare pick on me like they did in high school. I'm no shrinking violet anymore either. If I could just get past the fear in my head, that's all that's holding me back. That and the usual social awkwardness that comes with mild autism, although it's a lot better than it used to be.

 

[LilyJo]

Ah Robby. Something my therapist says to me on a regular basis came to mind on reading your posts. He says "Sometimes I wish your brain would shut up!" I agree with him! Don't underestimate the power of PTSD type symptoms, they are paralysing. But they are not who you are and they are not what you are capable of. Despite what your body is saying, the bad experiences are in the past, the difficulty is in learning to tell the difference between now and then. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt a lot now though.

Here's something that helps me when my mind is going very fast and I'm reliving past emotions/experiences: I stand somewhere beautiful and taking in everything around me then close my eyes and feel the ground beneath my feet. Breathing slowly and deeply into diaphragm. Hear the sounds around you and feel the wind go through your fingers. Nothing else exists in that moment. It takes a bit of practice and you'll feel stupid to start with but it really helps ground you now. Remind yourself that you are an adult now and you have far more control of your life now than you ever had in the past. Most importantly it stops the disaster planning going on in your head and focuses on the now. Another phrase I heard somewhere might be useful to you is: "what other people think of me is none of my business".

If you're not doing breathing exercises then there's a good app for training breathing called "my calm beat" you're aiming for 5 breaths a minute but don't be too competitive! You need to do it easily and breathe from your diaphragm. Easiest way to check is to put a hand where your ribcage ends and one on your upper chest. Lower hand should go up and down and you feel lungs expanding into your back as well while hand on upper chest doesn't move. I found watching the lung animation on the app helpful!

I hope some of that is helpful to you. As I previously said happy to PM if you want someone to "talk" to who won't judge what you've been through. Whatever you feel comfortable with. LJ

 

[DC1346]

There is an office for vocational rehab here, they have a program for people with autism to help place them in jobs, but the jobs are so menial the pay is only like 6.95 an hour less than minimum wage, so that's not realistic. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? .

Yes, the $6.95 an hour isn't much but look at it this way.

1) It's a starter job - not a job that you'll hold for the rest of your life.
2) It will give you valuable work experience.
3) This work experience may help reduce your fear of strange environments so that you can move on to better paying jobs.
4) Doing a good job at this office will help you to build your resume and earn the references needed so that you may move on to a better paying job.

I don't see why working at this office would be a problem.

My first teaching job was in 1982 in South Texas. I made $16,000 a year. The salary was pathetic and since we didn't have air-conditioning, the work conditions were challenging. I got two years of initial experience, left to attend graduate school, and moved on to a better paying job.

Everyone has to start somewhere. Very few of us have the opportunity to land our dream job right off the bat. Most of us have to work towards that goal. Some never achieve it and are stuck in dead end jobs that they absolutely hate but have to continue to working at because having a job allows them to keep a roof over their head and to put food on the table.

I am fortunate that I've been able to find a career that actually aligns with my interest.

 

[wanderer03]

Times are quite tough all around. Last week I met someone with a master's degree working as a security guard. I'm hoping to get in with that same company because the job doesn't appear stressful and, for a menial job, pays rather well. Robby You should give security another shot. Most companies are desperate for reliable people. Have you tried Allied-Barton? They are a good starting company with a variety of posts. You could be placed in an office building reception area and the work is so easy it's almost funny. Since I have a degree in Criminal Justice and some experience, I believe the company that I'm working with will place me in a courthouse.

 

[Robby]

I couldn't ever do security I'd be a joke. I'm not the type at all trust me. Going to try a call center job for a bit maybe and see how that works out. Still very suspicious of people, especially in the times we live in, as I am fairly outwardly gay, so always on guard and alert to any bullying. I've dealt with it since high school. I don't know anything about breathing exercises, but I do know smoking cigars relaxes me like nothing else. It seems most everywhere I go, I don't fit in. Yea I get that a lot of people are gay but most around here seem to be of the masculine variety, and I am what I am, but masculine I'm not. I just get depressed a lot because I don't feel like I belong or matter. I try to live more by the saying now, "if they aren't paying your bills pay them no mind", and just that simple saying helps me somewhat, but I still have bouts of anger and depression that are very intense. I am struggling with some things that are too painful to get into. I really don't feel therapy once a month does any good.

I have no friends to talk to or that ever call me or text me or ask how I am. I feel alone. I like my me time, but just someone to ask about me now and then would be nice. But I don't have it. I just feel alone and like I don't matter and if I was gone tonight nobody would notice or care. *sigh*. Just whatever.

 

[DC1346]

I have no friends to talk to or that ever call me or text me or ask how I am. I feel alone. I like my me time, but just someone to ask about me now and then would be nice. But I don't have it. I just feel alone and like I don't matter and if I was gone tonight nobody would notice or care. *sigh*. Just whatever.

I realize that this may be stereotypical ... but since you said you were outwardly gay, are you really gay, and if you are, why not find a local gay bar or club and go to it?

I am fortunate to have people at work who care for me and who help to look after my well being. They are all NTs and although I appreciate their help and support, I really don't understand why they are doing this. Since I don't like taking something for nothing and understand that friendships seem to work best on a quid pro quo arrangement, I bring them snacks or complete meals once or twice a week by way of showing my appreciation.

Sadly, since I have no way of determining the value of the services provided by these NTs, I have no way of determining whether my efforts to balance the scales of favors owed versus favors received is equitable.

P.S. So how are you?

 

[Robby]

The bar thing isn't really my thing any more. Trust me I been there done that. I used to go a lot, but before I realized I had autism, I still had a lot of issues talking to people (not so much when drinking) but I'd tend to drink way too much and that would make me numb and just make a fool of myself. And I can't say more about that because it's too painful.

I'd go to a bar now and then, but right now I'm unemployed and drive a **** car, so I feel like even if I met someone I'd be ashamed of that. They'd be like "bye" once they realize I don't have a job or have a **** car. Maybe when I get a job and become a bit more independent, I'll try a bar again. I always tend to do well with people one on one, once the ice is broken, but just going by myself since I have no friends is hard.

I lived at bars in my 20s basically. But I usually went alone, drank too much, and never met anyone. And I was unemployed then too, so I couldn't really get close to anyone.

So I am where I am. Not sure how to fix things. Maybe I'm unfixable. I mean I could sell my body on the street I guess, but I'd kind of hate to do that. I'm not well at all. I'm in a lot of confusion and pain and anger. I don't see much hope for the future I'm just living each day and hoping the next won't be awful. I just don't know how to get a future for myself.

 

[DC1346]

Not sure how to fix things. Maybe I'm unfixable. I mean I could sell my body on the street I guess, but I'd kind of hate to do that. I'm not well at all. I'm in a lot of confusion and pain and anger. I don't see much hope for the future I'm just living each day and hoping the next won't be awful. I just don't know how to get a future for myself.

It sounds like the first thing you need to do is to take care of the unemployment problem. An NT friend once told me that money can't buy happiness and while I agree with that sentiment, the truth of the matter is that having money can make life a whole lot easier.

I don't know you, so I will speak about myself. Not only does my job provide me with a living but it also gives me a sense of identity. It gives me a purpose. It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It also forces me to socialize via work related matters.

Selling yourself on the street would not be a good idea. Since it's illegal, it's not regulated ... so you could wind up battered, robbed, infected, or dead.

You should consider going to an employment agency. If you have reasonable people skills and need money in a hurry, you might consider becoming a server in a restaurant. Servers don't make much money via their hourly wage. Depending upon what state you're in, you could make as little as $1.83 an hour in wages but could really clean up in tips if you're good at what you do.

I used to be the assistant manager of a popular chain restaurant and there were servers who were making more than I was. It's not a hard job. Keep the diner's beverage refilled unless he/she tells you that no more refills are needed. Know your menu so that you can make recommendations or talk about ingredients if the diner has a food allergy. Take the customer's order, deliver it as promptly as possible, give the diner a few minutes and then check back to see if everything is okay and whether or not the diner needs anything else. It's really not a hard job so long as you have the ability to multitask since you'll be responsible for several tables.

With some money in your pocket, you'd have more options. You could remake yourself and go for a new look. You could get a better vehicle. You could also think about what your interests are and find a club or organization that aligns with your interests so that you could actually meet people at someplace other than a bar or nightclub. Having common interests would hopefully make it easier for you to talk with these people and to make friends.

But first things first ... pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go find a job.

Best wishes.

 

[wanderer03]

Go to Allied Barton and get a security job. Trust me, they're easy jobs. You'll wear a business suit style uniform and sit in the lobby of some building. They just need bodies. They don't care about old or young, tall or small. You are only there to observe and report. You don't chase anyone and never use force of any kind. Plus it'll pay well relative to other jobs.

 

[Robby]

I have an offer from amazon for call center going to at least try that and see how it goes. And try a staffing agency also. The thing with autism is that these type of jobs just don't fit my particular strengths I'd be just a number and not get to show any of my talents. But a job's a job I guess. SHould I tell them I have autism? SO they can make accomodations for me because of my difficulty with auditory processing?

 

[Robby]

Thing is I can't stop second guessing myself. I am depressed a lot and cry a lot. Some days I can't get out of bed.

 

[wanderer03]

I would first see how you do before disclosing autism.

 

[Robby]

Yea. That was my thought. Every call center test I've taken in past, it's not gone so well. I just am the type of person I do better if people speak slowly or I can see the information, maybe if like they could make the calls transcribed in writing for me, that would help me so much, because I retain information a lot better if it is written down. When people talk to me if it is fast paced it tends to go in one ear and out the other.