Thank you for the oportunity to pose my questions. I do have so many!
I want to be clear in my understanding as I don't want to claim anything, even in my own mind, that would not be true. The logical step is to get a professional evaluation but I do not have health insurence so....
One of my questions has to do with eye contact. When I was younger looking someone in the eye was almost impossible. I felt deep panic when I tried and the more I wanted someones attention, the harder it became. It was almost debilitating. I would spend hours wiyh a mirror practicing looking close to the eyes without making contact. I reasoned that most people wouldn't notice if I was off a little. Ha ha!
As I got into my 20s and 30s I got pretty good with just darting my eyes around so I made contact but it was very brief. In my 40s I would always stand just far enough away that I could look at people in a general way to see more of their bodies so eye contact was not as intense. Now that I am in my 50s I can look friends in the eye fairly normally but I still don't know how long is long enough and if I am being too intense. But we most often meet in public places outside so it's pretty easy to find something else to look at "naturally". I always hope they (my friends) just think I am enjoying the scenery.
On the surface one might say, yes, this is consistent with autisim but until just a few days ago I thought my issues with eye contact had to do with early life trauma. In general I am more confused as ever because trauma and autisim, if I am indeed on the spectrum, are feeling rather chicken and egg.
I can see how an undiagnosed child might elicit responses from a checked out parent that might appear as deliberate abuse to that child. But I can also see how a narcississtic parent can cause trauma that appears consistent with autistic traits. Which is exactly where I maybe. Without access to a psychiatric evaluation I might never know.
I will say, however, that the first video I watched regarding autisim came with a whole bunch of "light bulb" moments like dozens of camera flashes going off at the same time. After decades of trying to figure out my early life trauma I suddenly felt relief. Oh, oh, oh! Now I get it! It is like stumbling arouhd in the dark trying to find the left shoe but you keep finding shoes that don't match. When you do find the missing shoe, you know it because it feels right even though you can't see it.
I want to be clear in my understanding as I don't want to claim anything, even in my own mind, that would not be true. The logical step is to get a professional evaluation but I do not have health insurence so....
One of my questions has to do with eye contact. When I was younger looking someone in the eye was almost impossible. I felt deep panic when I tried and the more I wanted someones attention, the harder it became. It was almost debilitating. I would spend hours wiyh a mirror practicing looking close to the eyes without making contact. I reasoned that most people wouldn't notice if I was off a little. Ha ha!
As I got into my 20s and 30s I got pretty good with just darting my eyes around so I made contact but it was very brief. In my 40s I would always stand just far enough away that I could look at people in a general way to see more of their bodies so eye contact was not as intense. Now that I am in my 50s I can look friends in the eye fairly normally but I still don't know how long is long enough and if I am being too intense. But we most often meet in public places outside so it's pretty easy to find something else to look at "naturally". I always hope they (my friends) just think I am enjoying the scenery.
On the surface one might say, yes, this is consistent with autisim but until just a few days ago I thought my issues with eye contact had to do with early life trauma. In general I am more confused as ever because trauma and autisim, if I am indeed on the spectrum, are feeling rather chicken and egg.
I can see how an undiagnosed child might elicit responses from a checked out parent that might appear as deliberate abuse to that child. But I can also see how a narcississtic parent can cause trauma that appears consistent with autistic traits. Which is exactly where I maybe. Without access to a psychiatric evaluation I might never know.
I will say, however, that the first video I watched regarding autisim came with a whole bunch of "light bulb" moments like dozens of camera flashes going off at the same time. After decades of trying to figure out my early life trauma I suddenly felt relief. Oh, oh, oh! Now I get it! It is like stumbling arouhd in the dark trying to find the left shoe but you keep finding shoes that don't match. When you do find the missing shoe, you know it because it feels right even though you can't see it.
