Finally understanding my life!

[BeachLife]

Hello! After a lifetime of confusion and wondering what's wrong with me, I learned just days ago about how ASD manifests differently in woman/girls than in men/boys. Suddenly my whole life makes sense!

I have several part-time jobs but can't seem to get a full-time job or enough jobs to make a living. I'm kind of exhausted from having to self-manage doing 3 jobs, even though the two where I need to self-manage are pretty small.

I'm sloppy, I can't get a boyfriend, I'm awkward, I rarely cook for myself, I hate loud noise - that and so much more makes sense now!

While I have not yet been diagnosed, I'm going in next week for my initial meeting and will be tested mid-November. I will be more shocked if I'm NOT diagnosed with ASD than if I am.

I just wish somebody - one of the many therapists I'd gone to, the two psychiatrists I went to to see if had ADD - had caught on and even suggested ASD. I'm 58 and if I had known this even five years ago or preferably 40 years ago, I might have been able to develop a career that played to my strengths and I wouldn't be worried about how to make a living when I'm 7 years away from when many retire. But I can see I'm far from alone in finding this out so late.

I'm looking forward to cybermeeting many of you!

Janet

Hi Janet, and welcome. I too am recently diagnosed at 46yrs old and always thought that I just had a lot of autistic traits. Just as you did, I started to read about how it presents differently in girls and women and boom...there it was. I am also an empath and with all the false garbage written about people on the spectrum lacking empathy, it now feels good to be a living breathing contradiction of that . it I found this site recently too and it has been amazing to feel part of something, somewhere where I actually belong. It feels beautiful to be supported and to be able to offer support too. I love how you feel drawn to advocacy. I relate to that so strongly. I was just thinking that advocate roles are probably perfect for mature aged people. Even in regular support roles (community support worker, teachers aid, residential support for elderly etc) there are many opportunities to provide advocacy to people who appreciate it so whole heartedly. I wish you all the best and look forward to more posts.

 

[Janet]

Welcome! There are a lot of us who can relate. I was also diagnosed after age 50. My childhood wouldn't have been any different if I had found out sooner but if I had known before I worked my way through college, my Bachelor's degree might not have been a total waste. I would have picked a field of study that would have been available to someone with my strenths and limitations. I would have had a chance to make more appropriate choices and informed decisions and realistic goals both professionally and personally.

It was so different back when I needed help navigating my HFA, in the 70s before the Aspergers label existed. There was one foster mom and one teacher who encouraged me to concentrate on what I was good at and do what was right, so I never developed any self destructive or violent behaviors. If only that psychology teacher had also said, "You have Asperger's. Here's some information you should think about...." I would have had something really interesting to study up on as diligently as I did all my other subjects as a straight A student and probably ended up with a career I would have been allowed to keep.

Yeah, the main difference in my childhood would have been to simply understand why I was so weird and friendless. As an adult, though, to have people say "um, no, music is not the best major for you" would have been helpful. And even better, to have testing to help me find a suitable career would have been important.

Tempefan, is an HFA in fine arts? Is that the career you pursued?

 

[Janet]

Hi Janet, and welcome. I too am recently diagnosed at 46yrs old and always thought that I just had a lot of autistic traits. Just as you did, I started to read about how it presents differently in girls and women and boom...there it was. I am also an empath and with all the false garbage written about people on the spectrum lacking empathy, it now feels good to be a living breathing contradiction of that . it I found this site recently too and it has been amazing to feel part of something, somewhere where I actually belong. It feels beautiful to be supported and to be able to offer support too. I love how you feel drawn to advocacy. I relate to that so strongly. I was just thinking that advocate roles are probably perfect for mature aged people. Even in regular support roles (community support worker, teachers aid, residential support for elderly etc) there are many opportunities to provide advocacy to people who appreciate it so whole heartedly. I wish you all the best and look forward to more posts.

Thanks, BeachLife! I don't feel like a mature-aged lady, though, and I don't think I look like one either. I do some babysitting and my tendency is more to be able to really relate to children and even be silly with them. I think that's more my strength than any stereotypical mature lady role, which I don't think I'll ever fit into, and my biggest challenge will be to be firm when kids need it. Thanks for the kind words and wishes!

 

[Janet]

Welcome to the Forums Janet.
I was diagnosed at 58 also and now I'm 60.
I appreciate how you feel and wish I had known when I was younger also.
But, it is good to know why I am as I am and understand my life as I look back on it!
View attachment 48645

Yes, Susan, that's how I feel already, and I've only learned about this a week ago (maybe less). Testing is set up for mid-November, but I'll be shocked if I do not have ASD.

 

[Janet]

Thanks for the welcome, Mia and Loren!

 

[Crossbreed]

..., is an HFA in fine arts?

HFA = high-functioning autism. It is another way of saying Aspergers.

 

[Janet]

HFA = high-functioning autism. It is another way of saying Aspergers.

Oh! So many acronyms for this that I can't keep track of them all. I thought it was a variation on an MFA. lol

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Hello! After a lifetime of confusion and wondering what's wrong with me, I learned just days ago about how ASD manifests differently in woman/girls than in men/boys. Suddenly my whole life makes sense!

I have several part-time jobs but can't seem to get a full-time job or enough jobs to make a living. I'm kind of exhausted from having to self-manage doing 3 jobs, even though the two where I need to self-manage are pretty small.

I'm sloppy, I can't get a boyfriend, I'm awkward, I rarely cook for myself, I hate loud noise - that and so much more makes sense now!

While I have not yet been diagnosed, I'm going in next week for my initial meeting and will be tested mid-November. I will be more shocked if I'm NOT diagnosed with ASD than if I am.

I just wish somebody - one of the many therapists I'd gone to, the two psychiatrists I went to to see if had ADD - had caught on and even suggested ASD. I'm 58 and if I had known this even five years ago or preferably 40 years ago, I might have been able to develop a career that played to my strengths and I wouldn't be worried about how to make a living when I'm 7 years away from when many retire. But I can see I'm far from alone in finding this out so late.

I'm looking forward to cybermeeting many of you!

Janet

I'm going through the same thing, and I'm only 19. I just had my test on the 28th, and I think my psychohistory said it will take about a month before he calls me back for follow-up. Loud noise tortures me every day nonstop to the point where I'm in a total meltdown every day.

 

[TempeFan]

Tempefan, is an HFA in fine arts? Is that the career you pursued?

My degree title was Magna Cum Laude Bachelor of Science in Business Administration with a major in management information systems and minor in accounting. Back then I didn't have any parental guidance. All I had was school, so my grades were good enough for a scholarship and computer programming was a wide open field for "smart" people. Unfortunately, back then technology was changing so fast that the minute I graduated, all my knowledge was pretty much obsolete and a pretty woman of childbearing age with a degree was the definition of unemployed. With my extreme determination and affirmative action legislation, I managed to get jobs where I did some amazing things but getting and keeping a job are two very different things. You can get them with the right credentials but keeping them requires being the same, mediocre and generic enough to "fit in" or else sleeping one's way to the top. Because I had HFA (Thanks Crossbreed for filling in the the acronym for me.) but didn't know it yet, I didn't have the social savvy to get around that requirement so I kept getting blindsided.

 

[Crossbreed]

...a pretty woman of childbearing age with a degree was the definition of unemployed.

Being weird (in either gender), in a buyer's-market economy, is the definition of unemployed.

(I did way better in a seller's-market economy.

)

 

[Janet]

I'm going through the same thing, and I'm only 19. I just had my test on the 28th, and I think my psychohistory said it will take about a month before he calls me back for follow-up. Loud noise tortures me every day nonstop to the point where I'm in a total meltdown every day.

That sounds difficult. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also very sensitive to noise, and it does lead to great frustration but not meltdowns.

I'm glad you're getting tested at 19! You'll be able to make career decisions that make sense, so be sure you get all the guidance you need when it comes to career preparation.

 

[Janet]

I thought I should post my photo finally. Someone said something about grey-haired old ladies and I wasn't sure what it meant, but I hope it wasn't referring to me! I'm 58, not 85!

 

[Janet]

My degree title was Magna Cum Laude Bachelor of Science in Business Administration with a major in management information systems and minor in accounting. Back then I didn't have any parental guidance. All I had was school, so my grades were good enough for a scholarship and computer programming was a wide open field for "smart" people. Unfortunately, back then technology was changing so fast that the minute I graduated, all my knowledge was pretty much obsolete and a pretty woman of childbearing age with a degree was the definition of unemployed. With my extreme determination and affirmative action legislation, I managed to get jobs where I did some amazing things but getting and keeping a job are two very different things. You can get them with the right credentials but keeping them requires being the same, mediocre and generic enough to "fit in" or else sleeping one's way to the top. Because I had HFA (Thanks Crossbreed for filling in the the acronym for me.) but didn't know it yet, I didn't have the social savvy to get around that requirement so I kept getting blindsided.

I can so relate and I didn't have the foresight to choose such practical majors! It's a relief to understand why it was and still is so difficult to get and keep a job.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

That sounds difficult. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also very sensitive to noise, and it does lead to great frustration but not meltdowns.

I'm glad you're getting tested at 19! You'll be able to make career decisions that make sense, so be sure you get all the guidance you need when it comes to career preparation.

Trust me, I've had total meltdowns. Like I ended up breaking my blinds because I was losing it over the loud motors or engines that keep roaring outside constantly. I end up running out of Walmart because of all the loud noise (and I feel like I will lose it and start screaming with my ears covered in front of ball these staring people.) I often have anger issues, but there are a lot of days where I just come home and break down.

 

[Janet]

Trust me, I've had total meltdowns. Like I ended up breaking my blinds because I was losing it over the loud motors or engines that keep roaring outside constantly. I end up running out of Walmart because of all the loud noise (and I feel like I will lose it and start screaming with my ears covered in front of ball these staring people.) I often have anger issues, but there are a lot of days where I just come home and break down.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate but only to a degree - I already find it challenging, so I can imagine having that multiplied must be very difficult. Hugs to you.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate but only to a degree - I already find it challenging, so I can imagine having that multiplied must be very difficult. Hugs to you.

Thanks.

 

[TempeFan]

I thought I should post my photo finally. Someone said something about grey-haired old ladies and I wasn't sure what it meant, but I hope it wasn't referring to me! I'm 58, not 85!

I can so relate and I didn't have the foresight to choose such practical majors! It's a relief to understand why it was and still is so difficult to get and keep a job.

That was me. I was refering to the fact that Human Resource managers never make decisions based on job related criteria, only on demographics such as age, race, gender, etc. Almost all employers decline to process applications for (They pretend to accept them, may even call back or interview but don't actually consider hiring.) people over a certain age, usually the cut off for considering a qualified applicant is 50, sometimes 40. Please remember, when you are excluded from employment (or anything else really), it's not you being judged! The people in charge of making the final decision will never see your pretty face, only the numbers and codes input about you on their computers. You are not being evaluated on you but on how the idiots in charge perceive diversity, hence being mediocre and generic trumps being the best person for the job - bad judgemet on their part, no reflection on you.

Then there are some industries like child and elder care that hire almost exclusively women over forty because they can exploit them by paying them less and assigning them more dangerous and unpleasant tasks. There are some government subsidized positions for persons diagnosed with a medical condition that would otherwise exclude them from jobs paying a livable wage. Affirmative Action hires tend to be very temporary, as the employer hires minorities to comply with the law but then turns around and fires them for a false reason like downsizing for lack of work. The accounting firm I worked at had 5 open positions that year, for which they hired 5 men to fill them and 5 women to fake their gender equallity ratio. I was the one of the five women whose job it was to fill out and send in the completely biased EEOC form.

During my decades on the job. I've been on both sides of the hiring desk and know this is what is required by big business. I have never encountered a single government agent or agency who didn't look the other way when they saw it happening every day. It's illegal to award jobs on the basis of discrimination but withholding jobs based purely on discrimination is definitely how it is done. I couldn't stomach it.

 

[Janet]

Thanks, TempeFan. I have heard that there is an awful lot of job discrimination and I was in a job seeker group filled with middle-aged software engineers (others too, but that seemed to be the majority). They were wonderful people who devoted lots of time to helping the group, but it was ridiculous and horrible to see these hard-working men and women spending years looking for work.

It was discouraging to me to know that, after decades of having difficulties with work situations, there was yet another barrier. I guess that's why I just stopped looking for traditional jobs. I've been doing other types of work that are more like self-employment. It's just not enough. :-(

We need to know that this is happening, sad as it is, but I hope we can also stay optimistic that there are alternatives that we can pursue.