Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right thing?

[Geordie]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

Fins? Gills?

No. Great stamina.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Re: Forcing your Aspergers son into particpation via sports, clubs etc...the right th

maybe try things like theatre sports/improv. Suggest it to your son. I loved it in high school mostly because you can be yourself and people get a laugh out of it. I found it to be a natural outlet.

I have the horror stories of being forced to do stuff I didn't like. My mum and I don't have the best relationship. When I was diagnosed mum became convinced dad had it and when I was talking to her about it she said something like "I know I've lived with one (asperger's person) for 30 years!" yet my mum is still clueless as to how I think or who I am. So not looking forward to christmas with her this year. Please don't be that mum!!

Your husband forcing your asperger's son into things he has no interest in will only drive a wedge between them. I'll explain the christmas thing a bit better. Every year my mum puts a pile of stuff under the christmas tree that I consider a waste of money because its things I already have a suitable system for (the year of the quilt was interesting as I think even dad cried) and my mum doesn't understand what interfering with an asperger's routines can do to them, they could be things that are so out of character for me its not funny (forcing me into a box I don't or can't fit into) or its cheap junk (if I get something I want to know it will last). Basically my mum does everything you shouldn't do with an asperger's person. Then wonders why she gets the reactions she does. Things like this only upset an asperger's person because I think asperger's people are very strong and set in who they are. They know who they are more than they usually realize and filling up the stocking with inappropriate "gifts" (this could be forcing them to do something they don't want to, ignoring the things they like, trying to make them fit your wants) is very harmful and detrimental to an asperger's person. Because of my mum's insistence on doing this kind of thing I actually moved to another country to get away from her so I could hear my own thoughts for once. I'm sure your husband doesn't want that.

I have a much better relationship with both my parents because I live a very long way away from them. I only call them about every four to eight weeks. That's about the most I can tolerate. I can finally hear the voice and I have a few issues of anger and resentment towards my parents for forcing me into things I now realize I only did for them (the $100,000 student loan I have to repay now for studying at uni when I now realize I never wanted to go to uni and getting a degree was what my parents wanted and not really what I wanted for example). This is the future you will have with your son if your force him into things. If you give him his space to be himself I'm sure you won't end up in my situation. I think parents of asperger's kids need to guide but ultimately let the decision be their kids.

sorry if this turned out a bit long ...

 

[Perkinsj88]

To answer this I will ask another question. Would you force a child with mild retardation to take a public IQ test? Would you force a child with amputated legs to try and walk publicly? If you answered yes to either you're a cruel person undeserving of such a unique child. I was forced into sports as a child, I actually became quite talented, like Forest gump...i could run lol and catch whatever they threw in my direction but being on the field or court in front of that audience was the equivalent to torture. Why? Despite all the possible confidence gained from triumphs an aspie quite critical of him/herself so each small mistake made weighed heavily expunging whatever triumphs that came before it.

 

[Licorice]

There are definite benefits to making sure that a child with Asperger's spends time in all the regular activities and with nt children. Going off myself and my friend:

• Eventually developing rudimentary understanding of social skills and NT society through practice, familiarity, and feedback
  
• Increased tolerance to stress and tried-and-true coping mechanisms through being able to put them into practice and see that they can come out the other end
  
• Broader perspective on people and the world through interacting and coming to an understanding with others who are different and not always pleasant
  
• Viewing the self as less separate and isolated through being involved in mixed activities and groups instead of segregated or alone
• Greater self-awareness by seeing oneself through the eyes of others and in different roles

I know that if I was allowed to never be in social settings, I wouldn't be getting along with my classmates and working a people-oriented job today. However, a teen can easily be overloaded and unable to take anything good away from the experiences or only take away negative experiences. I think the key would be moderation and choosing settings that don't push your son beyond his limits.

 

[Perkinsj88]

There are definite benefits to making sure that a child with Asperger's spends time in all the regular activities and with nt children. Going off myself and my friend:

• Eventually developing rudimentary understanding of social skills and NT society through practice, familiarity, and feedback
  
• Increased tolerance to stress and tried-and-true coping mechanisms through being able to put them into practice and see that they can come out the other end
  
• Broader perspective on people and the world through interacting and coming to an understanding with others who are different and not always pleasant
  
• Viewing the self as less separate and isolated through being involved in mixed activities and groups instead of segregated or alone
• Greater self-awareness by seeing oneself through the eyes of others and in different roles

I know that if I was allowed to never be in social settings, I wouldn't be getting along with my classmates and working a people-oriented job today. However, a teen can easily be overloaded and unable to take anything good away from the experiences or only take away negative experiences. I think the key would be moderation and choosing settings that don't push your son beyond his limits.

I am now 26 years old, I went undiagnosed so I may differ from a diagnosed child, after my experiences as a child forced into social activites I have developed severe social anxiety and an overall complete lack of interest in being social, I rarely leave my home. I managed to find a wife and have 2 children before my total breakdown, they are now the only reason I continue to try and improve. I can longer work, now I'm waiting on another denial from ssi so I can finally get a lawyer to take my case. I learned a lot about people and society during my teens.. ultimately the knowledge I gained from those years led to complete disgust with society and people in general, I don't like the flaws in human society so I choose to not partake in. Had I not experienced such anxiety and bullying as a child I may have managed to develop a much less grim outlook towards humanity but as it stands people suck and aren't worth educating about why I am the way I am, if they were wholly interested in changing the way they look at differences they would educate themselves.

 

[GHA]

I am a father of a 31years old son with AS. He is very well educated and is doing exceptionally well in his professional life.. He has his challenges, which he is learning to adapt with age. I have only one advice for all the parents blessed with children having AS.. Never, and I repeat never ever run them down. The most important thing, that we parents can give them is "SELF ESTEEM" rest will all fall in place. Just love them....

 

[Kuribo]

I believe that anyone who'd force an Autistic person to participate in competitive sport against their wishes should be tried as a criminal.

There is your answer.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

Im going to make a blanket statement that some may disagree with, but aspies arent good at sports. At least Im not good at sport. Courdination and fine motor skills are something i lack... something i lack in spaids, like its down right emberrassing. BUT I excel at lots of other things that arent sports.

Hobbies like music, and more intilectual indoor persuits that arent so overwhelming to the senses might be a better fit than football.
AS are known to have intense interests, so perhaps you can find out what really gets him excited and try and gently steer him toward something in that arena.

It doesnt really matter WHAT he does as long as he gets out of the house and has a somesocial interection, right?

Oops, i just noticed this was a 2 year old post.

 

[umbrellabeach]

When I was a teenager, I was forced to go to youth events, and then forced into a bunch of social situations and activities and stuff. Whenever I tried to back out of anything, I just got an angry lecture whispered in my ear about how rebellious I am and how I'm disrespecting the Lord (because according to them, the greatest and most important thing a Christian can do is play a stupid game) and all those lies, and then I was forced to participate. I always ended up exhausted, extremely irritable and upset, and it made things worse for everyone.
I guess my parents and other authority figures thought it would improve my social skills and respect for authority and stuff like that, but since I didn't know how to play any of the games (and no one ever bothered to explain them well at all), the other kids either ignored me or were rough on me, and every adult was so judgmental and speechy that I couldn't even talk to them, it all had the opposite effect on me. Today I respect authority less now than ever, and I never participate in group activities or games if I can help it. Even if I'm forced, I don't actually contribute anything, and I don't get anything out of it, nor does anyone else (although maybe authority figures' egos get fed a little so they can feel good about themselves for a while, but that's it).
So no, I would say it is not a good idea to force your son into participation. It's never a good idea to force any kid into anything. Their performance will be perfunctory, and they will just end up resenting it, and maybe you, more.

 

[Judge]

Being forced into social situations as a child always went badly for me.

It's different as an adult, occasionally "pushing" myself so as not to live in total isolation. However I still see it as being critical for us to do these things on our terms in as much as is possible.

 

[paloftoon]

So we all know exercise is good for you. Something where the person is working 1-1 with someone they can trust or something casual where it's not competitive makes sense to try it out. Forcing an entire social environment where many of the people involved are not nice AND you don't like the activity just doesn't work. My parents did this to me for over a decade with band. I was even willing to take Spanish and French at the same time over band, and they didn't care. It was probably many years off my life.

 

[dragonwolf]

You shouldn't force a kid, AS or NT, to participate in extracurricular activities that they hate. All that does is cause undue stress on them, and resentment of the person/people who forced them into it. Seriously, if you haven't already, watch The Breakfast Club sometime, and pay special attention to the jock.

It's certainly a good thing to encourage kids to be involved in social extracurricular activities, but it should be based on something they'd like to do. If he's artistic, perhaps encourage him to join something like drama club, art club, or show choir. This provides built-in ice-breakers in the interest shared by all of the other kids in the group, and allows him to learn to socialize in a more positive and supporting atmosphere, instead of trying to force someone else's idea of socialization on him, which will put him on the defensive as soon as he walks into the situation.

As for the grades, perhaps see if you can find a tutor that can help him do things like "translate" the math word problems into something he better understands. I've little doubt that he could learn the material, but he just needs someone who can teach it to him more in line with how his brain works.

 

[artfull dodger]

I also vote no, my parents forced me to play sports, play an insturment in the band that wasnt of my choosing. And it took me years to forgive/get over that. I absolutely hate sports other than hockey and car racing. I wanted to play piano or drums, not tenor sax. Playing sports, espicaly being out on the field during a game infront of lots of people was very traumatic for me. Mike

 

[Kari Suttle]

Um guys, you do realize this thread is about two years old right? The parent who made the thread has probably reached a decision by now. =)

 

[dragonwolf]

Um guys, you do realize this thread is about two years old right? The parent who made the thread has probably reached a decision by now. =)

Judging by a couple more recent posts I've seen, I think this thread (and others like it) still have value. That value may not be to the original poster, but generally speaking, if one person has asked a question, there are others out there with the same question.

 

[Cyllya]

I think this isn't even an aspie-specific problem, but relevant to kids who are introverted. Sometimes I see an article about introversion/extroversion, and the comments are always filled with introverts who just heard about the concept and say something like, "I'm crying because I'm X years old and just found out I'm not a freak of nature after all." It causes a lot emotional trouble for introverted people to be forced into extroverted behavior--just like the opposite would be.

 

[zurb]

Sports: aspies often lack coordination and ball skills. Often if I played soccer I'd be able to get into strategic places, but the other kids would wisely not pass me the ball For me, sports that were more about individual skill rather than teamwork were better - but not anything involving kicking, throwing, hitting or heights. I was a runner, and long distance was my best as endurance then comes into play. I think I would also have enjoyed cycling and rowing.
Clubs: it depends a lot on the atmosphere set by the leaders. As a kid, I hated them. My kids love it. As for school clubs, an aspie might prefer something technical like an AV or radio club.
An aspie might need encouraging to actually join a club. I wouldn't have joined Toastmasters without strong suggestion. But once there I enjoyed it. As a kid I could have also got benefit from a drama/acting club, but would never have (or rather never did) joined of my own accord. But I wouldn't force a kid into doing something that to him/her is like torture. But if my kids want to join a club, I want to support them in that. For my parents, school was about academics only. They weren't really interested in helping me in other areas.

 

[Randomperson]

Why would anyone ever enjoy being forced to do something they do not want to do?

 

[Jambo_nick]

Hi All,
I am looking for some feedback on what you all think about this. My sister is a high school teacher and spends a great deal of time
harping on my son to get involved in school activities, he played football last year or I should say he was part of the team, he never
actually got any playing time but he was absolutely misearable the entire time! I hate seeing him unhappy, he does have a few interest
limited as they may be he is a very talented artist, he has improved 100 % on his socialization skills and has even made a few friends
and has a girlfriend this year....so he has overcome alot of hurdles. SO.......what do you all think about forcing him into school activities
is it the right thing or wrong thing? I get aggravated at my sis for harping on him because it makes him only retreat more. Any feedback
would be awesome!!!

100% yes! I have aspergers and my mum fought tooth and nail to get me into mainstream school. My mum was also heavily involved in the PTA side of things. I remember getting distressed and upset at times but I succeeded in the end. Now I actually feel comfortable around other people. There will be times of despair for both him and the rest of the family but the main thing is, don't give up. Always be willing to lend a hand in explaining subtle social cues, try encouraging him to learn things like reading faces and body language. My mum effectively taught me her "pack it in or you're in big trouble" look mostly by being strict and only really using the 'looks' until I was getting them and giving the right response. I can appreciate that the hardass approach contradicts most mother instincts but it does work in the end. Also, does your sone have any older brothers, sisters or cousins as these members of the family make great mentors also. I hope this helps SaFen1

 

[Rachel Albritton]

personally i think it is the wrong route. If your child struggles with things like that and has his own interests, he's gonna be miserable in everything he does that he is forced into or doesnt really like. Thats like with me, if i'm not interested in something i cant focus my attention on it, I get bored easily. I say just let him be and encourage him to do what he loves to do. art.