Forgiving Oneself

[paloftoon]

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for dumb mistakes I made with a former date. I've never blamed him for anything at all and don't hate or dislike him. I just get sad about the whole situation. Any suggestions?

 

[Nerdpride20950]

I too get 'hung up' on the MANY, MANY, MANY mistakes I've made in past relationships (both romantic and not). The best advice I've ever gotten was from my sister. She said words to the effect of: "The past is gone. The future is unknowable. Learn from what is past so the future is better." I told her "Thank you, Yoda." She hit me with a pillow and that was that.

Seriously though, you really can't live in the past or let it get you too bummed out. Just try to learn from the mistakes you make and try not to repeat them. Now if I could just actually APPLY what I told you, I wouldn't keep kicking myself for all the times I've messed up.

 

[Gary DuBois]

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for dumb mistakes I made with a former date. I've never blamed him for anything at all and don't hate or dislike him. I just get sad about the whole situation. Any suggestions?

we all make mistakes and making mistakes is a part of life thats how we learn to do whats right is from what we learned didnt work right. And then all we can do next is telling ourselfs alright i made a mistake but ill try it differently next time until we get to the point where we succeed. And dont be hard on ourselfs when we make the mistake find what we enjoy in life to make us feel better like going and spending time with family and friends. And if possible in a friendly way see if you can talk to your former date and maybe something good will happen for the two of you

 

[DanR]

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for dumb mistakes I made with a former date. I've never blamed him for anything at all and don't hate or dislike him. I just get sad about the whole situation. Any suggestions?

I think spectrum folks have a harder time letting things go. My NT wife and I were watching some show on Autism, and one character said to the Autie after a mistake: "No big deal." My wife latched right onto that, and now when I have trouble getting over a mistake, she'll repeat that back to me.

It's only about 60% as effective when I say it to myself, but even that's better than 0%.

If you know in your mind that it's no big deal, but you just can't get past it emotionally, it's ok to tell yourself (out loud, I mean): "No big deal."

It's even better if you can get somebody else that knows the situation to tell you though.

 

[paloftoon]

we all make mistakes and making mistakes is a part of life thats how we learn to do whats right is from what we learned didnt work right. And then all we can do next is telling ourselfs alright i made a mistake but ill try it differently next time until we get to the point where we succeed. And dont be hard on ourselfs when we make the mistake find what we enjoy in life to make us feel better like going and spending time with family and friends. And if possible in a friendly way see if you can talk to your former date and maybe something good will happen for the two of you

I've tried to explain to my former date in the past. I had apologized to him once, he accepted, and then I misspoke again. I did explain very fluidly that I did not mean the things that appeared in the e-mail, and this was when I revealed my diagnosis. The apology e-mail and the e-mail revealing my diagnosis were written well and were truly authentic, not fake of course. I am in no position to speak to him again apparently. I've considered an e-mail 6 months from the date, but that was deemed inappropriate, especially since it could not be considered a relationship.

Most likely, he got temporarily emotional about it too. Ironically, he happened to be on the spectrum too, and functioned on my level basically. The one date was super intense in a good way. It was all the aftermath that was not.

If he initiates something, that can prompt a response. That's about it. Everything is robotic or cold at best. Sometimes I wish I could have a fresh start with the same person. I will have to find someone else comparable in a similar or completely different vein, and that is okay too.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

I've been stuck in regret for a long time, over sinful and extremely foolish decisions I made in my only past relationship. I've lost count of all the people who have told me to let it go...but it actually got a little easier after my Mom passed away. I'd kept my ex-girlfriend in the loop about Mom's health, even though we hadn't been on good terms in a very long time. To my surprise, she gave no response at all. No comfort, anger, sympathy, irritation...only silence. I saw the timestamps on Facebook, so I know my messages were received. But that silence was the proverbial "last straw" for me; I don't understand how someone can claim to love you, then remain silent when the only person you've ever loved more than them passes away.

 

[paloftoon]

I've been stuck in regret for a long time, over sinful and extremely foolish decisions I made in my only past relationship. I've lost count of all the people who have told me to let it go...but it actually got a little easier after my Mom passed away. I'd kept my ex-girlfriend in the loop about Mom's health, even though we hadn't been on good terms in a very long time. To my surprise, she gave no response at all. No comfort, anger, sympathy, irritation...only silence. I saw the timestamps on Facebook, so I know my messages were received. But that silence was the proverbial "last straw" for me; I don't understand how someone can claim to love you, then remain silent when the only person you've ever loved more than them passes away.

Well, unfortunately, it's probably because she's an ex. Maybe when she wasn't an ex, she really meant it. Now that she is an ex, that totally changes things. Unless she had a personal relationship with your mom directly, she probably has her own stuff to worry about

 

[paloftoon]

I made a big step today toward forgiving myself.

I had to fight my own emotions because they got triggered by unintentionally seeing 2 profiles by the same person. My heart didn't care, but my mind and body did. What I did was I drank some water, did some mini-stretches since I couldn't do actual yoga at work, and then kept thinking positive things constantly about myself, friends, and even the ex date himself. I still stayed in the workshop the entire time and remember a little bit. Not as much as I wanted, but I was completing an important fight. I didn't care and don't care that there are two profiles that I noticed now, especially since I might have my own personal reasons for doing the same thing. I ended up staying in the room to the end of the presentation feeling resilient and quite accomplished. So, if you ever have to battle yourself, I recommend you do all of the above.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

Well, unfortunately, it's probably because she's an ex. Maybe when she wasn't an ex, she really meant it. Now that she is an ex, that totally changes things. Unless she had a personal relationship with your mom directly, she probably has her own stuff to worry about

I had thought of that, but she still lived with my family for a short time, in the very beginning. I'd have settled for anything but silence, because I've learned that indifference is the true opposite of love.

 

[paloftoon]

I had thought of that, but she still lived with my family for a short time, in the very beginning. I'd have settled for anything but silence, because I've learned that indifference is the true opposite of love.

There may be more to this than we know, but it sounds like your ex used your family for a place to stay. That is kind of awkward your family would put her up like that unless they had a relationship with each other prior to your dating her. I guess that was your parent's choice. You're right- it doesn't take much to write an e-mail or a letter for receiving something so meaningful.

On the flip side, maybe she could have truly cared about your parents, but couldn't let go of you communicating to her anything. So whether it was about your parents or whomever or whatever, she might just not want to respond at all. Maybe if it was a stranger asking her about your parents, would she be more likely to respond? If you know the answer is yes, then you know that she's more rialed up about the relationship between you and her rather than not caring about your parents. You are there and you were involved, so you can feel her out more than I can.

 

[DuckRabbit]

Maybe the real lesson is not so much ensuring that we make fewer mistakes in future, but rather that we learn to 'bounce back' from our mistakes. Trying too hard to sanitise our lives of mistakes conjures the rigid ideal of perfecting ourselves, or finally attaining sainthood, or getting to heaven. We're bound to feel dejected each time we fail to live up this ideal, or fail to 'learn from our mistakes'. A focus instead on getting ourselves out of the black holes of our mistakes means that we allow for there to be mistakes in future - since we trust ourselves to see a practical way though and can keep our emotional head above water in the midst of social-emotional catastrophe. Perhaps the mantra 'Could do better next time' or 'Could try harder' could be replaced with 'Make room for mistakes'. Don't be afraid of the destruction that results from inadvertently doing something stupid. We know that losing someone's respect, esteem, friendship or whatever is never going to be pretty, it hurts a lot, we cannot take a pill to sweeten it, undo it, escape it or block it out. But we summon the courage to embrace our fear of that pain. That could be the lesson, rather than winding ourselves up tighter and tighter like a corkscrew in an effort to ensure that we never put a foot wrong again.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

I know the feeling. Life is full of "If onlys", and being autistic makes it doubly hard to get out of the rut as you're on a loop. The down side of learning from past mistakes and making sure you don't repeat them, is you're so hung up on that, you go and make fresh ones! Then there's the added complication of every situation being different, and what worked in one situation/with one romantic partner, doesn't work with the next - and vice versa, of course! It is very complicated, and there's no easy answer I'm afraid.
I'm 57, and am still learning to let go of anything I perceive as a social gaff, reasoning that it probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was; but being over-corrected and criticised for minor mistakes in the past has magnified anything that feels awkward or seems over the top in hindsight; chances are, nobody noticed, and if they did, they'll soon forget about it anyway.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

There may be more to this than we know, but it sounds like your ex used your family for a place to stay. That is kind of awkward your family would put her up like that unless they had a relationship with each other prior to your dating her. I guess that was your parent's choice. You're right- it doesn't take much to write an e-mail or a letter for receiving something so meaningful.

On the flip side, maybe she could have truly cared about your parents, but couldn't let go of you communicating to her anything. So whether it was about your parents or whomever or whatever, she might just not want to respond at all. Maybe if it was a stranger asking her about your parents, would she be more likely to respond? If you know the answer is yes, then you know that she's more rialed up about the relationship between you and her rather than not caring about your parents. You are there and you were involved, so you can feel her out more than I can.

I thought I knew who she was, at the start...but everything changed after sex got involved. When she left me for the first time, the deep trust we'd had beforehand vanished...and I spent over a decade desperately trying to get it back. I spent about 6 years, thinking I'd done something horrible to drive her away...but her silence about Mom was the final nail in the coffin. My main hope now is that wherever she is, and whoever she's with, she's truly happy and seeking Jesus. Someday, I hope she and I will finally be able to talk things out...not for a romantic reunion, but just to have peace.

 

[Nerdpride20950]

Maybe the real lesson is not so much ensuring that we make fewer mistakes in future, but rather that we learn to 'bounce back' from our mistakes. Trying too hard to sanitise our lives of mistakes conjures the rigid ideal of perfecting ourselves, or finally attaining sainthood, or getting to heaven. We're bound to feel dejected each time we fail to live up this ideal, or fail to 'learn from our mistakes'. A focus instead on getting ourselves out of the black holes of our mistakes means that we allow for there to be mistakes in future - since we trust ourselves to see a practical way though and can keep our emotional head above water in the midst of social-emotional catastrophe. Perhaps the mantra 'Could do better next time' or 'Could try harder' could be replaced with 'Make room for mistakes'. Don't be afraid of the destruction that results from inadvertently doing something stupid. We know that losing someone's respect, esteem, friendship or whatever is never going to be pretty, it hurts a lot, we cannot take a pill to sweeten it, undo it, escape it or block it out. But we summon the courage to embrace our fear of that pain. That could be the lesson, rather than winding ourselves up tighter and tighter like a corkscrew in an effort to ensure that we never put a foot wrong again.

Oh, yes! A hundred million times, YES!!! I agree completely, DuckRabbit! I thought that Katherine Rawstron's comment had very interesting points as well. I have tended to "wind myself up" in the past and it never helped. Letting go of 'perfection' has made my life so much more bearable.