Freaking out about someone who just turns up, frequently.

[Nauti]

So, we live next to a woman who has been my partners neighbor for quite a few years now. My partner is very neighborly and chivalrous and has done lots of helpful thngs for this young woman and her family, so she feels she can just turn up, sometimes multiple times a day to ask him for favours.

To top it all off, the one time we really needed her help, when I lost a baby and needed some transport help, because we were off the road at the time, she didnt want to help and I was stuck having to go through that operation without any support, because of her.

Now, I can't stand her constantly turning up, any time of the day or night, whenever she wants anything, but my partner wants to stay being helpful and open to her whimsy and needs.

I feel like my home is not my sanctuary because of it, and I have a comorbidity of ptsd, so this is disasterously stressful and detrimental for my mental health and welbeing.
What would you do?

My partner doesn't want me to express my unwillingness to accomodate her regular knocks on the door. I've asked him to ask her to text and not to constantly come over, and she stopped for a couple of months, but has started coming over one, two or three times, daily again, and late at night as well.

It's driving me absolutely bonkers and I'm so ashamed that I don't feel more "neighborly" towards this women. I'm at an absolute loss to know how to deal with this situation. Any suggestions?

 

[china autie]

Maybe you tell her to limit herself to once a day.

Your partner sounds a bit controlling about what he wants to the exclusion of what you need.

 

[Monachopia]

My partner is also a bit like yours, very social and helps whoever needs it, but having said that, no one turns up at our door unannounced all that often. I've made it a point that I don't like people coming and going, it stresses me out to no end when people come into my space. Even his family call ahead.

At this point it sounds like this woman is taking advantage of his helpful nature, which is not ok. She's treating your home as an extension of hers and it is also not ok to constantly intrude every day, that's just rude (in my opinion). It's become a habit for her unfortunately.

I think the only thing you can really do as your partner doesn't want you to express anything to her directly is to keep reminding him that your mental health is suffering because of it all. He can't control her actions, but he can remind her more often to respect your home and private space. If you explain all the reasons why unannounced visits cause you problems and if he's understanding (which he sounds like he is) he'll make more of an effort to make sure she knows her boundaries. Every time it starts being a problem, gently nudge him (in a soft way) that you're feeling like she's encroaching. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help someone out, but too much, is too much - especially when it doesn't seem to be returned at all!

 

[Sid Delicious]

Don't answer the door? If she complains, say you were in the shower or had headphones on listening to music.

 

[Progster]

I have a similar problem with a member of my partner's family who keeps coming round. She has no sense of privacy and lets herself into the house. She has also written me abusive messages in the past, so our relationship is not good and I don't feel comfortable around her. I wish she wouldn't come round. I've taken to locking the door and not answering it, and if she comes to talk to my partner, I go upstairs to my office room and keep out of the way.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

but my partner wants to stay being helpful and open to her whimsy and needs.

I've asked him to ask her to text and not to constantly come over, and she stopped for a couple of months, but has started coming over one, two or thress times, daily again, and late at night as well.

re the two highlights above.

One way is to change the power balance in your relationship.

You may feel it is not truly your house - do you own it?

Is your relationship one where ultimatums may be issued?

one way :

To communicate clearly to your partner ,without emotion :

1. I am not happy with her coming over.t
2. I am going to say so directly to her. (once a day not after 5pm)
3. say to your partner - I need my peace of mind and I have a right to that within my own house.
4. Do you support me?

write it down so you remain on point - google examples first.

Lots of variations of this to think on. Highlighting the power balance in your relationship.

the key for me was your words " I've asked him to ask her to text and not to constantly come over"

I would suspect there are more instances of this.

You can take back your power for these instances by going direct and not putting it on your partner.
It can create a negative dynamic.

"I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul."

 

[Nauti]

Thank you all, for your support and advice.
I appreciate all the effort everyone took to reply. It feels very humiliating that I feel so strongly about this. Today, it was a case of her needing help with a dead battery and car help.
My partner tells me "She feels bad" coming over and encroaching on our space so much, so, we will see. I reminded him to ask her to text and not just waltz over and call out or knock on such a regular basis.

I freaked out so much today, I had to take benzos. I don't like to have to do that.

My mother was a selfish, inconsiderate woman, towards me, and so were my grandmother's, so my tolerance, for people who always put there own needs so far above other people's (and particularly, mine), has been heavily taxed.

On top of that, the father of my children
abused me and exploited me from the age of 16 to 37, so I have little energy, now, for people who don't respect me and my needs for space, privacy and peace and quiet

I would ask her myself, but out of respect for my partner, as she is his friend, I want to honour his request to allow him his friendly, neighborly support of a young mum and her elderly mother. It feels like (and he has said as much) he thinks I am making a drama out of nothing, which hurts me, but I love him very much and don't want this to destroy our relationship.

I am the first to admit, I have never been a very assertive, empowered, socially confident woman, despite having worked very hard, as a very public performance artist, mother of seven offspring and freelance social worker for many years.

I take after my very Aspie, socially awkward, academic and reserved father. We are humble, sensitive, compassionate and often overly tolerant people and very non confrontational. I can't, emotionally, afford to be overly tolerant any more.

.I am greiving a lot of painful losses at the moment, and just want to be left in peace until my heart mends and I build up my desire to demonstrate my RL social and altruistic energy, again.

 

[Catana]

You have nothing to be ashamed of or humiliated about. This woman is a user and your partner is acting as her enabler. If he's not willing to face your concerns, then he obviously cares more about her than about you. Counseling might help, but not knowing your situation, I'd still have to ask whether you'd be better off leaving the relationship. It sounds as if this is a basic part of his personality, so he's unlikely to change. Which means that unless you can begin to stand up for yourself and at least not allow her in your home, then nothing is going to change.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Which means that unless you can begin to stand up for yourself and at least not allow her in your home, then nothing is going to change.

This is the journey from defining ourselves by our past to defining ourselves by what we do .

Every rose has it's thorn.
But dammit you're a rose!

 

[Nauti]

Thank you for the empowering advice. I certainly intend to enforce my personal boundaries, in my own home, from this point on.

This is the journey from defining ourselves by our past to defining ourselves by what we do .

Every rose has it's thorn.
But dammit you're a rose!

Thank you @Fridgemagnetman.

I love my guy very much and I know that he feels pity for this woman, but I don't intend to allow her to invade my private space and continue to take advantage of my bf's charitable nature, at my expense, any more.

You have nothing to be ashamed of or humiliated about. This woman is a user and your partner is acting as her enabler. If he's not willing to face your concerns, then he obviously cares more about her than about you. Counseling might help, but not knowing your situation, I'd still have to ask whether you'd be better off leaving the relationship. It sounds as if this is a basic part of his personality, so he's unlikely to change. Which means that unless you can begin to stand up for yourself and at least not allow her in your home, then nothing is going to change.

I know she is a user and it's time I stopped being a push over, for good.

She did stop for a few months and I will remain vigilant and ready to defend my right to my own uninterrupted space, in case she has slipped into her habitual user ways again.

If today was a once only or occasional affair, it's done, but if this is the start of old patterns, she will find me creating a boundary I was too afraid to put in, before.

I got to this point before and she must of sensed she's gone way over the limit of acceptable neighbor requests, and she gave us a few months peace. I won't be tolerating what I have in the past.

Time to step up!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Time to step up!

Remember it's not all or nothing but a slow learning process.

Be easy on yourself as you go

 

[Sab]

Urg, that sounds like such a stressful situation. I really don’t think you are overreacting about it. I’d have similar feelings to people just showing up unannounced at my place to ask for favors on a regular basis, especially if the support isn’t reciprocated when you need it.

My advice is to be open with her about how it makes you feel and to set clear boundaries with her. And to share with your partner how difficult this is for you and how it affects your mental health so you can be a team in finding ways to change this.

It’s nice to be nice, but if you feel invaded in your own home, that’s not okay. Feeling safe at home and for it to be a place where you can relax and recharge is super important, especially if you are healing or have limited energy in general. It’s really not too much to ask for. And there is no shame in needing that.

I hope the situation gets better soon!

 

[Fino]

Never underestimate a user's ability to lie/deceive/anything when it comes to using.

That's all I got to say.

Good luck! I love you!

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

You have nothing to be ashamed of or humiliated about. This woman is a user and your partner is acting as her enabler. If he's not willing to face your concerns, then he obviously cares more about her than about you. Counseling might help, but not knowing your situation, I'd still have to ask whether you'd be better off leaving the relationship. It sounds as if this is a basic part of his personality, so he's unlikely to change. Which means that unless you can begin to stand up for yourself and at least not allow her in your home, then nothing is going to change.

Yup. This.

Dear OP. NT or Aspie, no neighbor comes to just ask for help, daily. And moreso, 3 times daily?! You're not making any drama. She is.

She is too dependent & clinging, and I'm sorry your partner cant see that. Or maybe he likes that someone depends on him.

I'm sorry i dont have any answer for your trouble. I get you, that situation is very annoying.

But i'm curious.
Is she only asks for him, every time? I know it's unbearable to help her, but instead of your partner, does she accept your help (not your partner) too? Can you help her, instead?

Maybe he likes how she appreciates him? Can you learn something from there, that can make him feels more appreciated by you. Telling him your concern, by hugging him perhaps? And while hugging him lovingly, tell him that usually no neighbor comes daily like that..?

I dont know if he'll accept it or not. So frustrating when the situation is controlled by other people, and we cant control other people anyway.

Maybe, he'll listen to other people, instead of you. Not because he doesnt love you. It's just the psychology. Spouse problem is always like that. If there's somebody he respect, his best friend, or other neighbor, could tell him that nobody knocks on your door DAILY & moreso, asking for help every time.. Then maybe he'll consider.

I think, what you can do in the meantime is... Be more loving towards yourself, and your partner...and pray.. While working out possible solutions..

We cant force people to change, but we can control our own behaviour..

Hopefully this situation will not make your relationship worsen, but more loving.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Thank you for the empowering advice. I certainly intend to enforce my personal boundaries, in my own home, from this point on.



Thank you @Fridgemagnetman.

I love my guy very much and I know that he feels pity for this woman, but I don't intend to allow her to invade my private space and continue to take advantage of my bf's charitable nature, at my expense, any more.



I know she is a user and it's time I stopped being a push over, for good.

She did stop for a few months and I will remain vigilant and ready to defend my right to my own uninterrupted space, in case she has slipped into her habitual user ways again.

If today was a once only or occasional affair, it's done, but if this is the start of old patterns, she will find me creating a boundary I was too afraid to put in, before.

I got to this point before and she must of sensed she's gone way over the limit of acceptable neighbor requests, and she gave us a few months peace. I won't be tolerating what I have in the past.

Time to step up!

Yeah, maybe she forgot the limits. Time to step up! You did it last time, this time you'll most probably succeed again. Wish you all the best!

 

[Ginseng]

Nauti, I would not be able to tolerate that either. In fact I don’t think I could continue to live there with that taking place. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet if the situation were reversed your boyfriend would not like some guy coming over at all times of the day to get you to go to his house and help him. This situation stresses me out just thinking about it. Perhaps you could show him our replies so he can realize that there are many others who who could not tolerate that. I don’t think any autie could tolerate that.

 

[Nauti]

Yup. This.

Dear OP. NT or Aspie, no neighbor comes to just ask for help, daily. And moreso, 3 times daily?! You're not making any drama. She is.

She is too dependent & clinging, and I'm sorry your partner cant see that. Or maybe he likes that someone depends on him.

I'm sorry i dont have any answer for your trouble. I get you, that situation is very annoying.

But i'm curious.
Is she only asks for him, every time? I know it's unbearable to help her, but instead of your partner, does she accept your help (not your partner) too? Can you help her, instead?

Maybe he likes how she appreciates him? Can you learn something from there, that can make him feels more appreciated by you. Telling him your concern, by hugging him perhaps? And while hugging him lovingly, tell him that usually no neighbor comes daily like that..?

I dont know if he'll accept it or not. So frustrating when the situation is controlled by other people, and we cant control other people anyway.

Maybe, he'll listen to other people, instead of you. Not because he doesnt love you. It's just the psychology. Spouse problem is always like that. If there's somebody he respect, his best friend, or other neighbor, could tell him that nobody knocks on your door DAILY & moreso, asking for help every time.. Then maybe he'll consider.

I think, what you can do in the meantime is... Be more loving towards yourself, and your partner...and pray.. While working out possible solutions..

We cant force people to change, but we can control our own behaviour..

Hopefully this situation will not make your relationship worsen, but more loving.

This post was very helpful, so thank you @BlueSky Aozora !

I asked him to put the boundary in about the constant coming over (again, because we already went through this after an extended time of her coming over, often numerable time a day, months ago, and she stopped for a couple of months).

But she rang him the night before last, about putting her bins out, and I wasn't comfortable about that either. It was late, after 10 and I have lost my capacity to tolerate her constant interference and neediness. I blamed myself though. I have enabled his enabling of her neediness. After a bad fight that would have destroyed us, had I not decided that that is too great a cost, because, other than this issue, we have a very loving, fun, satisfying and fair relationship. We are both giver type people but, unfortunately, that has been hugely taken advantage of, in the past.

We are both Aspies, as well.

I decided that I wil support him. If he wants to help her, I will put aside my own feelings, and support him to do so.

I don't think she will be comfortable receiving help from me, but maybe that will help her to be more self reliant and less invasive on her generous hearted and kind neighbors.

I feel like this is the most conniving and manipulative I have ever been, because I am only deciding to help him help her to save my relationship, not because I feel kindly disposed to her. I don't.

I don't even feel pity for her and I think my guy does. She is a single mum and the father of her small twins is a total douche. A violent, drug dealing, jail bird douche.

I feel she is lucky to have her mum supporting her (she still lives with her mother and she is 28). Mine has never been there for me when I needed support (I left home at 16) and that is, and has been, one of my major disadvantages.

I need to keep stress down so I can catch up on necessary, developmental steps that I missed out on, not receiving parental support, when I was a Aspie teen. Like keep learning to drive and get my license.

 

[Nauti]

Nauti, I would not be able to tolerate that either. In fact I don’t think I could continue to live there with that taking place. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet if the situation were reversed your boyfriend would not like some guy coming over at all times of the day to get you to go to his house and help him. This situation stresses me out just thinking about it. Perhaps you could show him our replies so he can realize that there are many others who who could not tolerate that. I don’t think any autie could tolerate that.

Thank you @Ginseng ! Your post, your support and understanding, means a lot to me.

I suspected this. I suspect my mother and grandmother of being Aspien women, and they hated socializing and neighbors, so much, they both lived miles away from any other neighbors. Waaaaay out in the country!

My Dad is also an Aspie and he is very socially anxious and introverted, on the whole, and I know he wouldn't handle this kind of thing, either.

 

[Nauti]

Never underestimate a user's ability to lie/deceive/anything when it comes to using.

That's all I got to say.

Good luck! I love you!

Thank you for the love @Fino! I very much appreciate it .

To be clear, she isn't a heroin addict type user, but she is a pot addict. And I do mean one of those heavy, dependant stoners who smoke with tobacco so they are smoking to satisfy their tobacco addiction.

I think addictions tend to make people more selfish and less sensitive to other's. That is my experience, anyway.

My town is utterly chokers with drug dependant people, but, mostly, it is weed. I am an odd one out (yet again, as if being autistic wasn't enough!).

 

[Nauti]

Urg, that sounds like such a stressful situation. I really don’t think you are overreacting about it. I’d have similar feelings to people just showing up unannounced at my place to ask for favors on a regular basis, especially if the support isn’t reciprocated when you need it.

My advice is to be open with her about how it makes you feel and to set clear boundaries with her. And to share with your partner how difficult this is for you and how it affects your mental health so you can be a team in finding ways to change this.

It’s nice to be nice, but if you feel invaded in your own home, that’s not okay. Feeling safe at home and for it to be a place where you can relax and recharge is super important, especially if you are healing or have limited energy in general. It’s really not too much to ask for. And there is no shame in needing that.

I hope the situation gets better soon!

It would have been nice to feel that it was safe and that I was allowed to be straight with her, and I hope to be able to earn the right to do so, but my partner didn't want me to do that.

He was scared that he would lose the tenuous (advantage taking) "friendship" of this woman.

If I gave him an ultimatum, he would chose me, but at what cost? It would engender resentment, on his part, and fair enough, ultimatums aren't fun, nor does it feel nice, to be subject to them. So I wouldn't do that, because it would harm our relationship.

The difficulties really do lay in our clashing Autistic "needs" and traits. I need privacy and predictability, in my home and he needs to feel included, neighborly, "Knight in shining Armour-ly" and he likes women and being helpful to helpless ones.

He is hungry for acceptance and appreciation, it's true; typical of Aspie guys, this has alluded him, way too frequently, throughout his half a century.

So it's complex and tricky.

I hope to be able to assert myself, at the opportune moment. I feel I really need to do this, for my own sense of empowerment, claiming of MY space and development.

I have been, by default, accommodating to other's, and in this case, I need to learn the assertion of home and personal boundaries .