Freaking out about someone who just turns up, frequently.

[Ginseng]

Yes, There is a new girl in town.

 

[Nauti]

My partner is also a bit like yours, very social and helps whoever needs it, but having said that, no one turns up at our door unannounced all that often. I've made it a point that I don't like people coming and going, it stresses me out to no end when people come into my space. Even his family call ahead.

At this point it sounds like this woman is taking advantage of his helpful nature, which is not ok. She's treating your home as an extension of hers and it is also not ok to constantly intrude every day, that's just rude (in my opinion). It's become a habit for her unfortunately.

I think the only thing you can really do as your partner doesn't want you to express anything to her directly is to keep reminding him that your mental health is suffering because of it all. He can't control her actions, but he can remind her more often to respect your home and private space. If you explain all the reasons why unannounced visits cause you problems and if he's understanding (which he sounds like he is) he'll make more of an effort to make sure she knows her boundaries. Every time it starts being a problem, gently nudge him (in a soft way) that you're feeling like she's encroaching. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help someone out, but too much, is too much - especially when it doesn't seem to be returned at all!

The wise statement that really stood out for me out here, was "Too much, is too much". I think this is the crux of the matter. Thank you @Monachopia

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I see.. your needs and your partner's needs are different, but it's amazing that you understand him clearly. You're such a lovely wife!

...She's an addict. uh wow..

So, will your husband get angry at you, if you tell the annoying neighbour (politely) about the limitations?? Even limiting the time, at least something like "No coming over or asking for help after 6pm" etc. Your case is like similar to "the annoying neighbour kid who keeps coming around".

How about your other neighbours? They didn't help her? She doesn't ask them? Do you think your other neighbours can talk to your husband about "no good neighbour comes to disturb others 3 times daily or at night"?

... Thinking about annoying neighbours wastes your precious time and energy. I thought of some drastic moves, that kind of prevention of her coming over to your house (not sure if it's realistic or if it'll work, depends on the type of your house). If you have doorbell, maybe you can remove it? Do you have fence around your house; is anyone just free to knock your door?? If you have a guard dog that scares her but loving towards you, your partner, and your family, that might be awesome?? Or if you have lawn, maybe automatic water sprinkler that will operate to shush her away? lol. Thinking creatively like this might be a bit fun.

I'm just thinking, is there any way to indirectly prevents her from reaching your home? Is there any other way to indirectly prevents her annoying voice to reach your home or your partner?

Previously I had similar problems, but with kids. I lived at an apartment, where our window is connected to the corridor. Anybody can walk past the corridor. This kid liked to open our window and curtain and peek us. I hate that very much. If I lock the window, the room will be so hot and dark. So, I installed some nets to the window, so she cant put her hands inside to open our curtain. She still managed to, but the nets has limited her movement. But I couldn't stop her voices and knocking, since it's a small apartment. But then, she moved to other place, and now we missed her. lol.

If she knocks the door, you can be the first to open the door, and just politely directly say, "Please don't disturb us now. Nobody's at home who can help you now. Can you come next week?" and shut the door (like how you did last time?). No need to let your husband know. My mom is also a single mom, but never disturbs neighbours daily like her.

Sorry for my rambling, when i don't even know exactly your situation.

Anyway, don't waste your precious time thinking about her. It's great that you decided to help your husband if he wants to help her. But i do hope it's not to your expense; i don't want you to sacrifice too much for an annoying neighbour. I hope he and she knows the limit - what time a neighbour shouldn't disturb you. I really hope you both find good solutions and things will get better for you.

Anyway, time to get yourself some good relaxation!

 

[Nauti]

I can hear her, her children and her mother all day long. They are that close. We are just one, fairly, thin wall apart.
I wonder if she has ever heard our arguments about her?
She hasn't disturbed us for a few days, thank goodness.
I don't mind if it's now and again, it's just the "too much" that I can't stand.
Thank you for the suggestions @BlueSky Aozora !
Funnily enough, we used to look after her dog, a Jack Russell, until he died of a snake bite. I was the one that nursed her dying dog.
We don't have a dog of our own.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

You're such a kind neighbour!
I'm happy for you that you have your peace again
Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Wow. He sounds like a real loser. This neighbour... is she by any chance very attractive?

I'd cut off that nonsense right away. Not even limitations. GTFO and never return. She wasn't able to help you when you needed her help so why should you allow him to help her at all? If he will resent you for that then he's not worth to have around anyway. Unless you need him for money or something. If he's with you then that means his freedom with regards to cavorting around with other women is not something he can count to keep.

If he's missing something with you that he gets from her then of course you have to give him that, but it appears she's just bottom feeding trash that knows how to play him well. Autistics frequently fall for this kind of nonsense of giving excessive help.

I realize the issue was mostly resolved but I feel that most were being waaaaay too soft. When someone refuses to help for just once, while you've been helping them multiple times a day then that's a clear sign to cut off all future help.