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Friendship Dilemma

Fino

Fino

Alex
V.I.P Member
There's this guy that I've been friends with for about six years. I met him in college. He was the kindest person I had ever met, and I followed him everywhere he went, which is how I eventually became Christian. After we graduated, I attended church with him weekly. I considered him to be a very special person, someone who actually understood me, someone I could talk to.

I won't say exactly what he said, but recently he became more upset than I've ever seen him and he acted like a generic, piece of crap, asshole. He was essentially the rest of the world, entirely demoted from everything that was special about him.

I have a rule, after years and years of abuse, that I don't maintain friendships with anyone who insults me or hits me. Following my rule, I blocked him. The following days, I became depressed and started taking 2-3 times more drugs than usual.

Should I wait it out and, it'll start to hurt less, like a break-up? Or should I do something else?
 
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aw that's sad Fino, you lost what you thought was a friend.

It's good to know what people are like at their worst, otherwise you just get the 'mask'. I wouldn't forget it, cos you've seen behind the mask, but give it some time and see if he offers an apology/explanation. If not then, I guess it's over. Maybe he's gone over to the dark side or sumpin', girlfriend dumped him, got the sack, who knows.
 
Was this a one off thing? Maybe he is under pressure you don't know about. Still, it's heartbreaking to loose a friend. Worse when you feel betrayed by that friend.
I'm sorry for you!
 
Caution - bible quote follows:




I was wounded in the house of my friends.
zechariah 13:6

fuller version
And one shall say unto him, What are these wounds in thine hands? Then he shall answer, Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.
 
If it was me, I'd keep my distance. Basically a line crossed, friendship over. But I would keep the door slightly open to allow for him coming around and apologizing. All people have the capacity to be buttholes. But a sudden change like that could mean some serious issues they are going thru. In short, he doesn't get to do that again, but does get to make ammends.
 
It goes without saying, but drugs are not a good coping mechanism. That said, the end of a close platonic relationship can definitely feel likely a breakup and grief is normal. I don't know what caused this fallout but I agree with Suzette. Maybe this was a situational thing and he regrets his behavior. If you block him, you cut off any means for him to explain or apologize. If that's what you need to do for yourself then don't second guess it, but I like to leave the door open. I have had people come back days, weeks, or even years later to offer explanations for their bad behavior.

If this is the end of your relationship, then I do think time helps. It's never easy to lose someone you're close to. I imagine it must be even more difficult for those of us on the spectrum since connection is usually not that easy for us anyway. So take care of yourself and allow yourself to mourn.
 
If this was a one time event- then l would ask for a explanation.

But it's hard to say because you won't disclose further. Was this more than platonic?

Finally- we are human. We do make mistakes. Forgiveness and understanding are also part of code. But still- you should go the way you need to go.

I actually do everything in my power to push away a special friend because am deeply in love with them yet they refuse to acknowledge this.
 
It sounds very difficult, sorry you are having such a tough time. You have previously noted you can be oblivious, so is it worth checking out what was said more, to see more of what may have been happening, for him and for you?

In the moment, I definitely do not pick up all of the nuances or issues. Here are some questions to ask yourself, to work through this some more, might be useful?

Was he cross with you about something? Why was this so important to him? Did he want something from you? Is he distressed about something? Did he feel hurt by you? Disappointed about something? What may have been underlying his behaviour? Why was it insulting? What have the issues he was insulting about got to do with him? Was it out of the blue?

If he hit you that definitely is unacceptable, but if he did, do you understand how he got so out of control, or did he just seem unreasonable and mean? Is he abusive? Should you think about reporting his behaviour to someone?

Could there be underlying attractions here? Which could complicate your interactions? Deciding not to act on attractions is not the same as not feeling them on some level.

Please try to process this, rather than avoidance with drugs, that's a poor strategy. Hope you feel a bit better asap. Sorry this has happened.
 
Most of my friends turned out to be frenemies. They only befriended me in order to eliminate a potential rival in that 'keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer' sense. I just didn't see it until later on, but when I did, you know, two can play that game! Got some of my own back while keeping up their desired pretence at friendship, ha!
 
I would create some space and see what happens. I know it hurts and I am sorry.
I agree do not tolerate abuse. If you do it will only get worse.
I would also encourage you to find healthier coping mechanisms. What can you do to make yourself feel better other than using drugs?
 
It sounds like he does not want to continue, either. The problem seems solved. That is sad.
 
Fino said:
There's this guy that I've been friends with for about six years. I met him in college. He was the kindest person I had ever met, and I followed him everywhere he went, which is how I eventually became Christian. After we graduated, I attended church with him weekly. I considered him to be a very special person, someone who actually understood me, someone I could talk to.

I won't say exactly what he said, but recently he became more upset than I've ever seen him and he acted like a generic, piece of crap, asshole. He was essentially the rest of the world, entirely demoted from everything that was special about him.

I have a rule, after years and years of abuse, that I don't maintain friendships with anyone who insults me or hits me. Following my rule, I blocked him. The following days, I became depressed and started taking 2-3 times more drugs than usual.

Should I wait it out and, it'll start to hurt less, like a break-up? Or should I do something else?
Click to expand...
You're well rid of him.
It may not feel this way right now, but this person was never a friend and you do not deserve abuse of any kind.

In time, after healthy grieving and mourning of a loss, you will be glad he is out of your life.

I'm sorry you are depressed, I've been there, using drugs to deal with it, it's not the answer.

I would get some info on what healthy grieving and mourning looks like, I wish I could tell you.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself, have compassion for yourself and treat yourself as if you were a friend with the same problem.
 
Sorry Fino that you suffered years and years of abuse. Drugs is a temporay fix. You have to love you and l am glad that you came here for help. Maybe talking about your pain will help you in feeling better, and perhaps not need to numb yourself using pills.
 
I'm terribly sorry that he acted that way towards you recently since he was such a kind friend to you in the past. If you felt the need to block him, it's probably safe to avoid him especially if he is causing you immense emotional and physical distress. If you see him continuing to act very strange, possibly violent to others as well, I would contact authorities since I'm especially worried that a good Christian would act like that.

It will continue to be very depressing to lose someone that close to you for a long time. I send good vibes your way and hope you get through it.
 
It's entirely platonic because he's straight, but I've always been in love with him. We were discussing baptism and whether or not it's necessary. I believe it's not, and he believes it is. From my perspective, we were having a reasonable conversation and he gradually got more and more emotional. I suggested we stop the conversation until he's less emotional. This suggestion made him angry, and he became verbally abusive, yelling.

Now, from his perspective, from what little he told me, I was emotional through the whole discussion and was provoking him. This was a surprising accusation to me, and I noticed nothing like it and was feeling no emotion other than growing anxiety over his growing emotions.
 
Fino said:
It's entirely platonic because he's straight, but I've always been in love with him. We were discussing baptism and whether or not it's necessary. I believe it's not, and he believes it is. From my perspective, we were having a reasonable conversation and he gradually got more and more emotional. I suggested we stop the conversation until he's less emotional. This suggestion made him angry, and he became verbally abusive, yelling.

Now, from his perspective, from what little he told me, I was emotional through the whole discussion and was provoking him. This was a surprising accusation to me, and I noticed nothing like it and was feeling no emotion other than growing anxiety over his growing emotions.
Click to expand...

Oh, being in love with a friend is never easy. It sounds like you were talking about something that is very important to him and with which he has an emotional investment. For you, it was more theoretical, but for him, it was personal. People don't like having their core beliefs challenged. They also don't like being called out for being overly emotional.

I've realized that when I point out someone else's behavior, they almost always react defensively. However, if I frame it from my perspective, they have less room to argue. Ie. "You're being emotional so let's pick this back up when you calm down" versus "This conversation is making me anxious. Let's finish it later."

This is not an excuse his reaction but hopefully, it helps you understand it.
 
I also don't believe baptism is necessary but try and tell the dunkers that? whoah.

If it's crushy and he's straight that's weird for him, Fino, better move on hey!
 
Number one, please get help for your drug use. It'll just age you and kill you in the end unless you try and get control over it.

I can only speculate, but maybe something bad happened in his life. Maybe he's just going thru a depression, and snapped at you, but was yelling at the wrong thing.

Or maybe he's on drugs, and it has warped his personality. I've seen meth and heroin do that to countless people.

The bottom line is, I am so sorry about your friendship. Remember him as he was, not how he is now. <3 xo
 
I had a similar interaction with a girlfriend once, I was opining about a beautiful tree that had been cut down, that it should have been saved, people were trying to save it. But oops she worked for the council and the tree was a sacrifice that had to be made to get the social housing deal they needed, apparently. I didn't see why me disagreeing was such a big deal, but I think in retrospect she felt guilty and sorry about it.

Anyhow, she ran out the room crying and went home. I felt puzzled and a bit cross. Think that may have put the lid on the relationship actually, though we were still together for a while. I'm not usually oblivious, but clearly in this case I missed a few clues I guess.
 
If he is christian he may have issues with flirting 'provocations' from a guy.
If you think you appeared that way to him that may have been the problem.
 
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