Friendship With middle aged married man

[Gayspie]

Meanwhile i am just a 19 year old pansexual man with aspergers who has no close friends, no partners, is always lonely, and craves friendship and cuddles.

 

[Sid Delicious]

It sounds like you did the right thing then. If you were both unmarried with no kids and only dating, then my advice would be very different. But as others have pointed out, once you have children you have to put them first. Marriage is also in a different league to dating. Glad to hear you have resolved the situation.

 

[Ambi]

I wish people didn't waste so much time and energy on illicit relationships.

 

[Butterfly-ink210]

All relationships, illicit or not, good or bad, offer us a unique opportunity to know ourselves better. Often, we are unable to see or admit faults in ourselves, but if they are reflected in another, than we can accept them and change.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

 

[pjcnet]

I was also surprised you were 52, but it was simply because you referred to the man as "middle aged" even in the thread title, this made his age appear especially relevant which made me assume that it was unusual for you to be friendly with someone of that age because you were much younger. To me it's therefore neither a good or bad thing.

It sounds like he likes you, but isn't willing to risk his marriage by having an affair with you, sorry to be blunt. He was willing to be friends, but now he realises that you want more than that he is being careful and he may even feel guilty that he may have lead you on.

The situation with affairs is a very difficult one, 80+ years ago it was a total disgrace for anyone to have an affair during marriage and divorce was usually seen as the ultimate disgrace which barely ever happened. These days a lot more people accept divorce and some would even tell you to break up with your current husband if you weren't happy and then look for someone who does make you happy, however even today most would still see having an affair behind your husband's back in a negative manner. Perhaps this should make you reevaluate your current marriage situation, but also don't throw it all away just because you was attracted to another person, we are all human and even in relationships or marriage it's not unusual to at least look at other people, although usually the love for your partner / husband / wife would be enough to prevent taking any serious action.

Sometimes even people who don't truly love each-other still stay together because they love their children, obviously innocent children can be the worst affected when their parents break up. I once knew a married couple who at the time were both in their 30s, they lived and stayed together for their children, but both appeared to be happy for each-other to go out and date other people, it was in my opinion a rather peculiar agreement. I know as my friend at the time went out with the married women for quite a while, he would even say a friendly "hello" to her husband who knew he was in a relationship with his wife, yet there appeared to be no malice or any obvious jealousy, her husband would even chat to him sometimes and once I remember them both wrapping up Christmas presents for the children after they'd gone to bed, some were brought by each of them. I have to say I felt rather uncomfortable when I went to her house with my friend on a couple of occasions when her husband and children were also there even though there was a friendly atmosphere. It's still questionable how watching their parents bringing home different partners would have effected their children and I have to wonder whether their agreement was any better than just getting divorced, at the time the children were still very young however.

 

[SnailPie]

I haven't even READ this thread yet, because it really has nothing to do with Aspergers at all. Stay the heck away from a married man!

It's not good for you, it'll destroy his wife, and it will involve lies and pain on all sides, especially if he has kids.

And now, I will read the thread.

 

[Butterfly-ink210]

I haven't even READ this thread yet, because it really has nothing to do with Aspergers at all. Stay the heck away from a married man!

It's not good for you, it'll destroy his wife, and it will involve lies and pain on all sides, especially if he has kids.

And now, I will read the thread.

I am trying to figure out his behaviors and how the situation evolved to the point it did. So, yes, I wouldn't have posted it without seeking relevance to Aspergers. Also, in my effort to understand my behavior and response to his, so this can be avoided in the future.

 

[SnailPie]

Okay... so this stopped before too much damage was done.

Boundaries are what appear to be lacking here.

I'm glad to hear you've decided to work on your marriage. If you're unhappy, then it's best to get out honorably--your husband and family will appreciate you treating them fairly.

Lots of us experience attractions while we're in committed relationships with other people. It's how we prevent things from going too far, how we protect and value those we love, that are our best qualities as human beings. Anybody can cheat.
It takes a good and decent person to do the right thing.

It sounds to me that in the face of temptation, you made the right choice.

 

[Butterfly-ink210]

Okay... so this stopped before too much damage was done.

Boundaries are what appear to be lacking here.

I'm glad to hear you've decided to work on your marriage. If you're unhappy, then it's best to get out honorably--your husband and family will appreciate you treating them fairly.

Lots of us experience attractions while we're in committed relationships with other people. It's how we prevent things from going too far, how we protect and value those we love, that are our best qualities as human beings. Anybody can cheat.
It takes a good and decent person to do the right thing.

It sounds to me that in the face of temptation, you made the right choice.

Yes and thank you. Neither of us wanted to bring pain to our families--so not worth it.

 

[SnailPie]

I am trying to figure out his behaviors and how the situation evolved to the point it did. So, yes, I wouldn't have posted it without seeking relevance to Aspergers. Also, in my effort to understand my behavior and response to his, so this can be avoided in the future.

One way to avoid it the future is to have strong boundaries, as I said. If you wouldn't do it with your husband standing right next to you, hearing/reading/seeing/experiencing everything you're doing, then it's already cheating. While many wouldn't see it as "technically" cheating, it's already on the slippery slope of betrayal.

Talking about your spouses and relationship woes is already over the line. There needs to be respect for the primary partners, in that they are considered and made important.

Maybe make a list of things your partner might do that you would consider "over the line" with regard to another party. Perhaps the two of you could discuss what "cheating" really means?

Spending a lot of time trying to figure out this married man's motivations isn't nearly as important as figuring out your own.
I don't mean to sound harsh. Feelings happen, but it's important to remember how deeply and irrevocably people can be hurt as a result of a casual choice to get involved in a situation with another married person.

I wish you the best of luck, and for your sake, stay away from this guy!

 

[Butterfly-ink210]

This thread was started to learn how some of OP's behaviors might fall on the spectrum. Instead, it has become a compilation of responses geared towards "stay away" and "don't ruin your life". I find it interesting how it has been forgotten that it takes TWO people to have an affair. He certainly is not blameless in the situation that developed. It's also interesting how easily conclusions can be made given such limited information.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

This thread was started to learn how some of OP's behaviors might fall on the spectrum. Instead, it has become a compilation of responses geared towards "stay away" and "don't ruin your life". I find it interesting how it has been forgotten that it takes TWO people to have an affair. He certainly is not blameless in the situation that developed. It's also interesting how easily conclusions can be made given such limited information.

Not blameless but irrelevant to your position and decisions.

Two to tango.

One to say no.

 

[Gayspie]

Butterfly Ink, I love your tattoo that it is in your profile photo. Where on your body is that tattoo ?

 

[SnailPie]

This thread was started to learn how some of OP's behaviors might fall on the spectrum. Instead, it has become a compilation of responses geared towards "stay away" and "don't ruin your life". I find it interesting how it has been forgotten that it takes TWO people to have an affair. He certainly is not blameless in the situation that developed. It's also interesting how easily conclusions can be made given such limited information.

Of course he is not blameless!
But you, as the OP, are the one we are here to support. If he wrote in, the focus would be on supporting him.
But your questions were not so much about his AS/lack thereof.
To my reading, they were more geared towards figuring out where you stood with regard to this person you developed feelings for, and--it seemed---trying to figure him out.

To me....and this is just my way of thinking...AS has absolutely nothing to do with this. Whether he does have it/doesn't have it....isn't important. If you thought you had it, and needed support in figuring things out in your interactions with him, that's a different story.

But it sounded to me like you had a really good idea of what was going on, why it was, and what your justifications were.
Sorry to say, but I don't think you're going to find too much support for the problems as a result of being a married woman getting involved with a married man, with children on both sides. Especially on a site populated with folks with Aspergers, who tend to have a strong sense of fairness and a black and white sense of right and wrong!

It might not always be pleasant for those around us, but it can keep us out of trouble.

If your married man does have AS, it might explain why he was the one to pull the plug. It might also explain why he didn't talk about his wife much. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about her, it's just his private life.

But I hope you don't use the information you get here as a way to try and reel him back in.... you're not doing that, right? Whew...


I'm never sure about people.

Oh--and about me; I was "the wife". My husband cheated on me with a married woman with young children. (And others) He lied to me, to her, to everyone. We had a perfectly fine marriage, 25 years. He absolutely gutted me. We are divorced. He lost everything, and I lost almost everything. Trust me, it ain't worth it. He will be paying for the rest of his life, he is alone, with health problems, and the ED he's had forever...while I have a new boyfriend who adores me. Sorry if it's TMI, but if I sound strident, that's why.

 

[SnailPie]

This thread was started to learn how some of OP's behaviors might fall on the spectrum. Instead, it has become a compilation of responses geared towards "stay away" and "don't ruin your life". I find it interesting how it has been forgotten that it takes TWO people to have an affair. He certainly is not blameless in the situation that developed. It's also interesting how easily conclusions can be made given such limited information.

I must disagree that the "information is limited". He's married, with kids. You're married, with at least one child. What's to know?

If you're unhappy in your marriage, then you can divorce honorably. If you're not unhappy in your marriage, great! If it's a mix of the two, and it almost always is, then work on your problems and see if they can be improved. But one thing that is guaranteed to make things worse is bringing in another person, lying to your partner, and hurting a whole bunch of innocent people in the process.
Seems pretty simple to me.
I'm very glad you've made the decision to work on your marriage and not focus on this other man. There are so many laudable reasons for doing exactly that.

I wish you the best.

 

[Ambi]

All relationships, illicit or not, good or bad, offer us a unique opportunity to know ourselves better. Often, we are unable to see or admit faults in ourselves, but if they are reflected in another, than we can accept them and change.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

All of these lofty concepts are in your head - and it's fine to explore all of that in your head. But telling the guy about it, staying in touch, being available and him knowing it - or even just him knowing you had feelings even if you don't want to act on them, all of that brings into reality - and what good comes from bringing this into reality? One thing for you to keep it in your head, but you also messed with his. And there is no excuse for acting on an idea that will cause harm while rationalizing it by saying to yourself, "Oh well, but I'm sure I can find some kind of good knowledge, experience, etc. out of it". Don't milk a toxic situation just for the sake of a teeny bit of pleasure or experience/knowledge - this one will damage other people. If you don't see that or acknowledge that, you've got no moral compass about it. Take it from someone who has seen the devastating effects of infidelity on relationships and families. I'm not sure why you posted here - for sympathy? Validation? Attention? In any case, I'm done with it.

 

[SnailPie]

One thing for you to keep it in your head, but you also messed with his. And there is no excuse for acting on an idea that will cause harm while rationalizing it by saying to yourself, "Oh well, but I'm sure I can find some kind of good knowledge, experience, etc. out of it".

This was well said, Ambi!!!

 

[SnailPie]

Butterfly-Ink,

I have re-read your original post a few times now. I can see where the reference to AS is coming in--you keep describing his behavior, and I can see how some of it might be explained by AS.
What concerns me is that what you seemed to be looking for is insight into "who he is" as a way to possibly get closer to him--something that sounds like maybe what you might want, although from your post, he does not. (You said, "there's more" so I guess I'll just have to wait.)

I guess what you were looking for here was insight into his behavior, into which you seem to be reading a lot. This "intense eye contact" and "he stood here" and all these other things. You felt things and experienced things to lead you to believe there is some connection between you, although he said he just saw you as a friend.

If he does have AS, I'd take his statement to mean exactly that. How you felt is completely based upon your running your experiences through your own filter. It doesn't mean he is doing things to make you feel this way.

Does that make sense?


Sorry for the convoluted reply, but I often get bogged down in the details and miss the main point. It's an Aspie thing...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Sorry for the convoluted reply, but I often get bogged down in the details and miss the main point. It's an Aspie thing

Lost in a snail pie has now been added to the urban dictionary

 

[312Sarah]

I have been following this thread and was also looking for what the link was to ASD, if any. Now that I understand the potential connection, I want to echo what some other people have said, even though these things may not be what you want to hear.

I would not read anything into his behavior re: his wife; I agree there is a high chance this is just compartmentalization. I have had similar personal experiences, and it's very easy to assign meaning to omissions and to think that because he wasn't talking about his wife or talking to you in her presence, that must mean something. However, he may simply see those topics as irrelevant to your conversations. Or for example, he simply may not have reason to talk to you when his wife is around because he has her company. That may not seem "normal" to you and you may want to assign significance to that behavior, but there may not be any.

Likewise for the statement that "things won't be weird between you and you can just be friends." He likely said this because he meant it, and because he was not feeling an intense internal conflict about this as you were. It sounds to me like either he did not have feelings for you, or that he did, but he is simply was not interested in crossing any boundaries with you. The same can go for intense eye contact. I have a good friend on the spectrum and sometimes it feels like he's staring at me because I think he is trying to read my facial expressions to discern intent. Or maybe he was attracted to you but that doesn't mean he was interested in having an affair with you. Long story short, you simply can't assign meaning to his behavior the way you might with someone else. The implicit message you interpret may not be the message he is trying to send. Most likely he is not trying to send any implicit message. You should rely more heavily on his words, which all point in one direction--that of a platonic relationship.

(This is my opinion based on personal experience as an NT and may not be accurate. I welcome feedback if anyone thinks this is way off the mark).