From a heart that has never found its way in the world

[All-Rounder]

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone; we find it with another." - Earth is not an easy place for romantics, that's for sure. Sometimes that might make us feel lonely, but I have found a release in listening to love songs, it fills a place there in the heart. They have also helped me out after breakups, i used to avoid them because of the pain of remembering but eventually they have become like a cure or replacement for the loss and I didn't think much but felt the moment and it was great and healing.

Us autistic people can be extremely easy to fool and we don't even notice until it's too late. We believe things easily and it's easy to notice for predators we are good targets. It comes as a surprise every time. But I learned to not have expectations from any relationships and that it might turn around in time. Time is very truth telling. The more that passes the more eye-opening. That is why our weakness is being rushed. Love isn't rushing.

For 8 years as a counsellor you should feel proud. Most people last months in a workplace. You seem to be good at communication, and you have experience of 8 years socializing so that's gonna help in relationships.

Your focus on yourself seems excessive, it's better to relax and accept your humanity instead of worrying.

Ur moms not wanting to get rid of you and help you fly off. Wonder why. Patience is a poor excuse. Then again some humans make bad decisions that don't pay off for anyone and sit in the same filth they are in. It is better to distance from such people as much as possible as they will drag you down. She has big daddy issues.

Going around the outside of the house is a start. Glad to see your mindset has changed for not spending too much screen time. Screen light causes all the crap on the mental, including depression.

I used to be terrified by death but not anymore. It's a mental process in which the mind hallucinates before life ends, and everything ends. It's not like being burnt alive for eternity.

 

[jtab7800]

Earth is not an easy place for romantics, that's for sure.

With the day I'm having today, of all days, on Mother's Day, I can tell you that Earth, in my case, is an impossible place for Aspies to be happy in. I feel like my mother is against me on so many things, unless they happen her way. She makes me feel like everything has to be her way or the highway. I've felt so angry at her for a long time. Our relationship has been deteriorating because of her sour attitudes about everything. If I even try to talk to her about anything these days, especially me having someone to love, it leads to an argument, because she is so highly irritable. Even when I was a child, I envisioned myself growing up to have a complete family of my own, but I get the impression that my mother doesn't want it going that far.

A lot of times, she makes me wonder if she hates kids because of everything that my brother and I -- our disabilities actually -- put her through. She tells us that she loves us, but she's extremely irritable with me. She's not as irritable with my brother. She recently told me that, in a way, my disability might be worse than my brother's, and he's paralyzed from the waist down. My brother and I are close, and we always will be, but I feel like my mother's bitterness will never go away, and that the relationship between her and I will never heal, even though I want it to heal, and I think she does too.

I wish she'd realize that her bitterness doesn't do any good for either one of us. The people who made her bitter are not alive anymore, and they can't hurt her anymore. Actually, her brother is the only one of those people who is still alive, but we haven't had anything to do with him in decades. Still, she needs to figure out how to no longer let her bitterness hang over her like a solar flare that's about to destroy the Earth. It got worse after we lost my father. I love my mother, but her bitterness and irritability cause her to say crazy things, and make some really crazy, even scary threats sometimes. She keeps telling me that If I spent more time with her and my brother, I wouldn't feel so lonely all the time. It's like she's basically saying that I have no need for having anyone else in my life, and that she thinks I can simply do without.

I don't know what she has against it, but I'm going to have to figure out what to do to make my life better. If it turns out to be true that she doesn't want anything to do with it, then so be it. If that's the case, then we'll be exactly like she and her father were -- they were estranged for the last 14 years of her father's life. That would be par for the course, since nothing in my life has ever gone right for me. Sometimes, I wonder why I was brought into this world, only to never amount to anything, and never have anything to show for the life I've been given.

No one on this site knows what kind of impossible odds I've been up against my entire life -- the kind of odds that are truly insurmountable, especially with a mother who wants me to do everything on my own, with zero help whatsoever. If that's her idea of a method to teach me to be self-sufficient, then it's the most brutal, and miserable, possible method. I know that her parents were brutally hard on her, in every way, and it left her bitter, but I wish she would break the cycle that they started with her.

A lot of times, I get the impression that she doesn't completely care about the kind of pain that my brother and I have been through before -- when he was just a little baby, in 1977, Mom actually let doctors do a spinal tap on my brother -- try to imagine a really thick, three inch long needle being shoved into your spinal cord, and left there for about 30 minutes of torture, because the CSF flows through it so slowly.

Try to imagine, picture it in your mind, the absolute torture -- blood-curdling, heart-piercing scream after blood-curdling, heart-piercing scream. Only the coldest of hearts wouldn't be affected by it. It can be seen as a form of torture. And all I've ever heard Mom say about it is a nonchalant "It had to be done to save his life." Her tone of voice made her sound like she was saying it like it was nothing bad for him to go through. She would probably think a lot differently if it was done to her, but her father probably got her so used to pain that she doesn't think as much of it as she used to.

And then there's my pain. When I was dealing with my eye injury in 1978, and they tried to do an x-ray, I was scared because I was only 4-years-old, and I didn't know what that big, intimidating x-ray machine was, because no one had told me what it was. A man who was in the x-ray room that day decided that, to get me to submit to an x-ray, it would be a good idea to hold his hands down on my head so hard that it felt like he was literally crushing my skull, and with that torture on top of the severe pain that my eye was already giving me, it was heart-piercing scream after heart-piercing scream coming out of me. I remember it vividly, and it still brings me to tears. Years later, Mom told me that they wouldn't let her inside the x-ray room at the time. And do you know what disturbs me the most about it? A news article that I read a few months ago mentioned that, until the late 1980s, a lot of doctors thought that babies were not able to feel pain. But the joke was on those callous doctors, wasn't it?

I guess Mom isn't the only one who has lost a lot of trust in the medical profession, but at least I'm still willing to get medical help when I need it. But Mom is highly reluctant. I keep telling her that she acts like she wouldn't get medical attention for anything unless she's already dead, but she won't listen. She's been having some health problems. But she despises hospitals and ER doctors with a passion -- she thinks ER doctors are quacks. Some of them might very well be, but maybe not all of them. I've witnessed the actions of a few not-so-good doctors before. But I'm scared that her attitude about hospitals will have a higher chance of getting her killed if she denies herself medical care.

The pain that my brother and I have been through is one of the things that has bonded us. But he's ahead of me in life now, in some ways. I'm not saying that life is a competition, because it's not. But he's had a woman in his life since 2008, and I don't know if it'll ever happen for me. I want to meet people, and hopefully find someone who is actually willing to give me a chance. What I'm afraid of is that if someone does actually ever give me a chance, it'll surprise and shock me so much that it'll send me into a fatal heart attack. Sometimes, I've wondered if there actually is a God. I used to think there might be, but after everything my brother and I have been through, I'm not sure. It makes me feel like He wants life to be nothing but the utmost suffering, with no happiness in it whatsoever. I'm at the lowest point in my life right now, and I don't know if I'll ever rise up from it.

Like I said before, I'm trapped. I can't get out anywhere to meet people, there's nothing within walking distance of the street I live on, and I feel like I can't get my mother to care enough about anything except for the renovations on our house. The state I'm living in seems like it's not a good state for a person with a disability to live in anyway -- too many people here don't treat people with disabilities like they're just as human as everyone else is.

Annyway, I'm going to try to get through today, and hope tomorrow is better. Huey Lewis & The News said, in the song "Jacob's Ladder," "All I want from tomorrow is to get it better than today."

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

jtab7800, I have read and I hear your pain and lonliness. I am really sorry you are going through all of this.

There is a way out, but it is not one you seem to want to take. You must get your own place to live and support yourself as best you can. You do not have to care for your mother and your brother. There are programs that provide support of people with spina bifida and your mother should take advantage of those programs instead of taking advantage of you. For that matter, there are programs to assist people with autism too. These programs might help you get moved out and get your own life.

You cannot expect a woman to even begin to be interested in you when you have so much of your life wrapped up in your mother and brother. A woman in your life would end up being absorbed by your life with your mother and brother. Who would want to do that?

I sense that as much as you would like to have a partner, you are in fact comfortable with your family the way it is. You just want to add someone to that mix. Possible. But, as you have found out, not likely.

 

[jtab7800]

jtab7800, I have read and I hear your pain and lonliness. I am really sorry you are going through all of this.

There is a way out, but it is not one you seem to want to take. You must get your own place to live and support yourself as best you can. You do not have to care for your mother and your brother. There are programs that provide support of people with spina bifida and your mother should take advantage of those programs instead of taking advantage of you. For that matter, there are programs to assist people with autism too. These programs might help you get moved out and get your own life.

You cannot expect a woman to even begin to be interested in you when you have so much of your life wrapped up in your mother and brother. A woman in your life would end up being absorbed by your life with your mother and brother. Who would want to do that?

I sense that as much as you would like to have a partner, you are in fact comfortable with your family the way it is. You just want to add someone to that mix. Possible. But, as you have found out, not likely.

This is not an angry message, and I'm not referring to anyone in these forums, but it's from a person who's been emotionally beaten up enough to be pushed to the edge. I always knew it was never likely for me to have anyone in my life, under any circumstances whatsoever. Things have gotten worse since the last time I posted. My mothe ris making me want more and more to get out of the house, and keep her completely out of my life. I know that she was abused as a child, and I understand that it leaves a mark, but that doesn't give her a right to be the way she is with me too many times. She's extremely high-strung, gets at the very least irritated way too easily, and too many times, she's so hard on me that it causes a lot of emotional pain.

Today, she made it look like I have to fake being happy with how my life's been, so someone will be attracted to me. She basically told me that if I don't start holding my head up and smiling for a change, no one will ever be attracted to me. I told Mom that it would help if things would start panning out for me for the first time in my life. But she thinks I have to be happy first, before I can actually find my happiness.

And recently, yet another woman treated me like garbage -- a longtime friend who seems to be trying to cut me and everyone else out of her life, and I can't figure out what's going on with her. She hasn't been answering calls or texts from anyone, and I've heard that she might've changed her number.

And from what I've seen, the state we moved to a couple of years ago does not care about people with disabilities. I'll give you a hint as to where I live -- in a coastal town in a state whose governor is Ron DeSantis. He doesn't care about making life better for anyone, especially people with disabilities -- he's completely obsessed with his culture war.

We've spoken to people with disabilities down here before, and they've told us that there's nothing for them here. Where we used to live, they had programs in their Parks department, under a section of the Parks department called Therapeutic Recreation. That's where I worked at a day camp for 8 years.

I can even provide a clickable URL that tells you what the programs are, but it'll show up here as the page title: About Therapeutic Recreation

In the picture at the top of the page, if they haven't changed the picture, you'll see one of my best friends, wearing glasses and a yellow hat, with three colored things attached to the front of the hat. Scrolling down to where it says "TR programs" will show you links to details about the programs. There is even a link that does not appear on the page, that shows you a list of their day camps. It's at this link, showing up as its page title: Summer camps

You can see the names of the camps on that page. I worked at the therapeutic recreation camps located at Castlewood Park and Woodland Park. I even worked at Camp Kearney at Jacobson Park at one point. We've found no such programs or camps where we're living now.

All I know is that now, I feel like I'm worthless to everyone in a world that has no bounds to its love for cruelty. I've completely lost faith in all humanity, and I don't think there's a way to regain it. I have more doubts than ever that there are actually any kind people in the world who won't walk all over people like me. I've been pushed for too long, and too far. I'm actually wondering if the best way to stop all the misery is to bring myself to an end. The thing is, the building where we have a condo does not have a roof access, so that's out. Maybe walking into the ocean and letting it swallow me, as I wrote about in a song that I wrote called "Slave to the Tide," would do it.

All I know is that I'm never going to be worth anything to anyone, and I'll never be able to use any of my talents to amount to anything. Mom seems to be making sure of that. She knows that I didn't learn how to drive, and she has absolute control over where I go, and when I go anywhere. Her decision on driving depends on where she feels like doing any driving or not, depending on the pain in her back. We had a chiropractor where we used to live, but she hasn't seem interested in finding one here where we live now -- she hasn't met any of them, and she's already decided that she can't trust any of them. And there are no driving schools within a short enough distance to the house. My therapist suggested maybe Uber, but Mom is worried about how much money it costs.

When it comes to programs that provide support of people with spina bifida, I don't think Mom would have any trust in them. She has too many trust issues caused by things that happened in the past, yet she tells me that she doesn't live in the past.

If it's true that women could never want a guy who lives under my circumstances, then maybe they'd be happy if I found a way to remove myself from this world. They certainly wouldn't miss me. Why would they, when they never even notice that I'm alive? Most other guys get to be lucky enough to have someone, and I've even seen some guys take it for granted and mess it up, namely my older cousin. But I don't get to have any chances because I'm an Aspie who lives under crappy circumstances.

I feel like I can lo longer live in a world that doesn't want me. I've got no friends where I live, no way to meet anyone, and no hope of anything getting better for me. I don't think even my therapist could help me now. Mom seems to stay negative all the time, and she always tells me that she's just trying to be "real" with me. She must think that it means never saying anything positive about anything, and telling me that there is never anything good in life.

She sees my brother and I as being the only good things in her life, yet she talks to me the way she does. She's got me to where I feel inclined to just lay down and let her win out, let her have everything her way, and complete a life of nothing. She certainly seems to want things to be a lot harder for me than they could be. I know life's not easy, but it doesn't have to be as painful as it's been for me.

I see no good future for myself. All I see is a life that's been empty so far, with no hope of changing for the better. I see myself as being born deserving to suffer the way I have, with nothing good in life. Maybe God Himself, along with the entire world, would be as happy as Super Bowl winners if I brought myself to an end.

Mom tells me that I'm a good person, but the world doesn't exactly make me feel that way. It's like people would rather stomp all over you, instead of acting like you're just as human as they are. If people don't want me around them, if women don't want to give me a change because of my circumstances, then I can let them have their way, but that would leave me to continue to be lonelier than ever. I hate that feeling, yet there seems to be no way for me to end the loneliness.

People always make it sound like it's absolutely not possible for me to have anyone in my life, and I don't know if they realize my frustration or not. I feel like I'm a human being who shouldn't go without love, regardless of his circumstances or his looks. All the stress from my life has started taking a physical toll on me. A lot of things would be better than the way my life is now -- better than my mother being so irritable all the time, and better than her being so unbearably negative all the time. After all I've been through, I've always hoped life would get better for me, but I feel like I'm just not allowed to experience things that other people are lucky enough to get to experience. And believe me, no one gets younger every year, and no one lives forever.

I feel trapped and broken, with no way to put myself together. And I feel like there's nothing in this world for me. I need to do some thinking. All I know is that I feel so much hatred of myself right now, that I feel like the world would be better off without me. Sometimes, it feels like I exist for nothing more than to live a life of misery, with no happiness in it. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way?

 

[All-Rounder]

With the day I'm having today, of all days, on Mother's Day, I can tell you that Earth, in my case, is an impossible place for Aspies to be happy in. I feel like my mother is against me on so many things, unless they happen her way. She makes me feel like everything has to be her way or the highway. I've felt so angry at her for a long time. Our relationship has been deteriorating because of her sour attitudes about everything. If I even try to talk to her about anything these days, especially me having someone to love, it leads to an argument, because she is so highly irritable. Even when I was a child, I envisioned myself growing up to have a complete family of my own, but I get the impression that my mother doesn't want it going that far.

A lot of times, she makes me wonder if she hates kids because of everything that my brother and I -- our disabilities actually -- put her through. She tells us that she loves us, but she's extremely irritable with me. She's not as irritable with my brother. She recently told me that, in a way, my disability might be worse than my brother's, and he's paralyzed from the waist down. My brother and I are close, and we always will be, but I feel like my mother's bitterness will never go away, and that the relationship between her and I will never heal, even though I want it to heal, and I think she does too.

I wish she'd realize that her bitterness doesn't do any good for either one of us. The people who made her bitter are not alive anymore, and they can't hurt her anymore. Actually, her brother is the only one of those people who is still alive, but we haven't had anything to do with him in decades. Still, she needs to figure out how to no longer let her bitterness hang over her like a solar flare that's about to destroy the Earth. It got worse after we lost my father. I love my mother, but her bitterness and irritability cause her to say crazy things, and make some really crazy, even scary threats sometimes. She keeps telling me that If I spent more time with her and my brother, I wouldn't feel so lonely all the time. It's like she's basically saying that I have no need for having anyone else in my life, and that she thinks I can simply do without.

I don't know what she has against it, but I'm going to have to figure out what to do to make my life better. If it turns out to be true that she doesn't want anything to do with it, then so be it. If that's the case, then we'll be exactly like she and her father were -- they were estranged for the last 14 years of her father's life. That would be par for the course, since nothing in my life has ever gone right for me. Sometimes, I wonder why I was brought into this world, only to never amount to anything, and never have anything to show for the life I've been given.

No one on this site knows what kind of impossible odds I've been up against my entire life -- the kind of odds that are truly insurmountable, especially with a mother who wants me to do everything on my own, with zero help whatsoever. If that's her idea of a method to teach me to be self-sufficient, then it's the most brutal, and miserable, possible method. I know that her parents were brutally hard on her, in every way, and it left her bitter, but I wish she would break the cycle that they started with her.

A lot of times, I get the impression that she doesn't completely care about the kind of pain that my brother and I have been through before -- when he was just a little baby, in 1977, Mom actually let doctors do a spinal tap on my brother -- try to imagine a really thick, three inch long needle being shoved into your spinal cord, and left there for about 30 minutes of torture, because the CSF flows through it so slowly.

Try to imagine, picture it in your mind, the absolute torture -- blood-curdling, heart-piercing scream after blood-curdling, heart-piercing scream. Only the coldest of hearts wouldn't be affected by it. It can be seen as a form of torture. And all I've ever heard Mom say about it is a nonchalant "It had to be done to save his life." Her tone of voice made her sound like she was saying it like it was nothing bad for him to go through. She would probably think a lot differently if it was done to her, but her father probably got her so used to pain that she doesn't think as much of it as she used to.

And then there's my pain. When I was dealing with my eye injury in 1978, and they tried to do an x-ray, I was scared because I was only 4-years-old, and I didn't know what that big, intimidating x-ray machine was, because no one had told me what it was. A man who was in the x-ray room that day decided that, to get me to submit to an x-ray, it would be a good idea to hold his hands down on my head so hard that it felt like he was literally crushing my skull, and with that torture on top of the severe pain that my eye was already giving me, it was heart-piercing scream after heart-piercing scream coming out of me. I remember it vividly, and it still brings me to tears. Years later, Mom told me that they wouldn't let her inside the x-ray room at the time. And do you know what disturbs me the most about it? A news article that I read a few months ago mentioned that, until the late 1980s, a lot of doctors thought that babies were not able to feel pain. But the joke was on those callous doctors, wasn't it?

I guess Mom isn't the only one who has lost a lot of trust in the medical profession, but at least I'm still willing to get medical help when I need it. But Mom is highly reluctant. I keep telling her that she acts like she wouldn't get medical attention for anything unless she's already dead, but she won't listen. She's been having some health problems. But she despises hospitals and ER doctors with a passion -- she thinks ER doctors are quacks. Some of them might very well be, but maybe not all of them. I've witnessed the actions of a few not-so-good doctors before. But I'm scared that her attitude about hospitals will have a higher chance of getting her killed if she denies herself medical care.

The pain that my brother and I have been through is one of the things that has bonded us. But he's ahead of me in life now, in some ways. I'm not saying that life is a competition, because it's not. But he's had a woman in his life since 2008, and I don't know if it'll ever happen for me. I want to meet people, and hopefully find someone who is actually willing to give me a chance. What I'm afraid of is that if someone does actually ever give me a chance, it'll surprise and shock me so much that it'll send me into a fatal heart attack. Sometimes, I've wondered if there actually is a God. I used to think there might be, but after everything my brother and I have been through, I'm not sure. It makes me feel like He wants life to be nothing but the utmost suffering, with no happiness in it whatsoever. I'm at the lowest point in my life right now, and I don't know if I'll ever rise up from it.

Like I said before, I'm trapped. I can't get out anywhere to meet people, there's nothing within walking distance of the street I live on, and I feel like I can't get my mother to care enough about anything except for the renovations on our house. The state I'm living in seems like it's not a good state for a person with a disability to live in anyway -- too many people here don't treat people with disabilities like they're just as human as everyone else is.

Annyway, I'm going to try to get through today, and hope tomorrow is better. Huey Lewis & The News said, in the song "Jacob's Ladder," "All I want from tomorrow is to get it better than today."

I enjoy reading about your life experience in the way you perceive it, and I find a lot of honesty coming from your writing.

"It makes me feel like He wants life to be nothing but the utmost suffering, with no happiness in it whatsoever. I'm at the lowest point in my life right now, and I don't know if I'll ever rise up from it."
- I'm glad every time when someone else than me realizes that life is not as perfect as we're sometimes expected to think by various social norms, judgements, fears and traditions. I have realized that life is very hard and that the laws that govern the universe and humans aren't perfect, evolution is not actually evolution, either, it's just a random adaptation that can leave you with lacks in other areas and is very slowly changing. I believe we have evolved more beastly than animals, in many areas we enhance whatever traits we have taken from our ancestors; it's not always a benefit.

The more you tell me about your mother it seems like she doesn't know how to actively listen, and I heard of many parents with this issue. They don't know what their children want to hear, maybe empathize with their needs. My mother is a carbon copy of yours, so I have been through that same thing, she gets very aggressive in conversation with people which severs trust and I still hope sometimes she will change but I realize it's not going to happen so I have to be the one to adjust to that truth, and the way I did it is be accountable for the failures of trying anything with her and the energy and mood lost while trying anything with her, and the failures of not protecting my information from her as she can be very sneaky trying to find out something I disallow her from knowing and accept my boundaries.

It's dangerous and hard to interact with her so mostly I try to plan my life to avoid interaction where possible. That was lifechanging, and my mental state was even noticeably better to strangers.

 

[All-Rounder]

"She recently told me that, in a way, my disability might be worse than my brother's, and he's paralyzed from the waist down. "

I honestly don't think they are comparable, we're talking about someone who can't walk which is in itself very tough as compared to a normal person and comes with different challenges, relying on others, not obtaining the freedom and ability to do what you want and have enough privacy. You have to accept touch when you don't want it. And whatever else that we don't even know about the person might experience.

With autism we're talking about executive dysfunction, inability to start tasks at times. Need for help also but hardship to communicate and make ourselves clear, and oddity enough to get most people to not appreciate or be repulsed by our company.
There are a lot of things additional like limited energy levels, sensitivities up to extremes and a lot of adjustments necessary which aren't as easy to figure out as for physical disability. The emotional needs and depth tht autism brings with it, is a mix of every disability known to human, added allergies and lower immunity from possible 2 factors both related to autism like for me for example. Stress levels always high, we are constantly battling functioning in the world, education, human judgement, interaction and unsatisfactory health.

The curse of autism is the grandest just like you said. Life is hard in general but much harder for us.

That is why we expect people to be nice to us and sympathetic but most aren't prepared to deal with normal people, and they will fail us. Add to that the unique nature of each of us and what we think and makes it harder for someone with their own issues to be caring to us. And in my opinion such people should not have kids. It's not something everyone is ready for and will make life hard.

I think you might be tied to some sort of misguided external pressure to become someone, and that idea is very restrained and common. To amount to something because if you're disabled it means failure. Sort of like the American dream. Even though I used to have that idea, deep down I would not look up to someone who would tell me that I need to do it, for whatever reason. So I don't want to be such a person, and especially not to myself. Maybe we're different in some ways, I don't know, but that's just what I thought.

 

[ChrisTX1968]

"I always feel like the invisible man when I'm around people. I usually hang back in the background, being quiet and not bothering anyone, usually during the all-too-frequent times when it seems that no one notices my existence anyway"

they say we can't feel empathy? that's crap...reading this caused me physical pain

 

[jtab7800]

I think you might be tied to some sort of misguided external pressure to become someone, and that idea is very restrained and common. To amount to something because if you're disabled it means failure. Sort of like the American dream. Even though I used to have that idea, deep down I would not look up to someone who would tell me that I need to do it, for whatever reason. So I don't want to be such a person, and especially not to myself. Maybe we're different in some ways, I don't know, but that's just what I thought.

I'm sorry I haven't been on here since Mother's Day. I'm currently going through a medical scare, so it feels like things keep getting worse for me.

To be honest, I've always wanted to do something with my life, instead of being nothing, like I have been so far in my life. I haven't really faced much pressure to do anything with my life. It's my decision to want to do something with my life. I'm learning guitar, and I've been writing songs ever since I was a kid.

I was in 5th grade when I started thinking up the kind of guitar riffs that some of my favorite bands might think of, and I was writing lyrics too. Of all the riffs I had in my head, two of them stuck out more than the others -- one of them sounded like something Eddie Van Halen would've played, and one of them sounded like something that Poison's guitarist, C.C. Deville, would've played. I even thought of one that could've fit into an Ozzy Osbourne song. The only way to play them back then was in my mind. That's why they're still in my memory. From an early age, I had musical ideas churning around in my head. I still remember a lot of those ideas because I ran them through my head so often. I also practiced my vocals a lot, using lyrics to songs by my favorite bands. Practicing on songs by Journey showed me that I can hit some high notes.

It's my desire to NOT want to die alone in the world, and end up like my cousin's uncle from his mother's side of the family did -- my cousin's uncle passed away in 2007, and my cousin's mother couldn't afford to have him flown back home from Seattle, so he was alone and didn't get a proper funeral. He was buried in a nondescript wooden box, in a cemetery for those whose body was unclaimed. The cemetery is kind of like Potter's Field, a cemetery of that type that's located on Hart Island, which is part of The Bronx in New York.

That being said, I'd rather not complete an entire life of being alone, but the current medical scare might ensure that it does happen. It's a type of medical scare that some men might not feel comfortable talking about. My blood work has my doctor wondering about the possibility of prostate cancer.

I don't know if it's true, but I'm under the impression that something like that'll sure make no woman want anything to do with me. All I know is that I'm terrified. I just want the PHI index in my bloodwork to be normal, but that level has been hounding me ever since the doctor first saw something off about it in 2021. I started thinking about it, and I thought that if I had cancer in 2021, then it would be way more physically noticeable by now, but, to me, it seems like there haven't been any changes like that since 2021.

And then there's my mother. The doctor keeps mentioning maybe having a biopsy done, but the way he described it, it would be a lot to go through, including what you go through in recovery from that kind of biopsy. Mom didn't seem to understand how I was feeling after hearing the doctor's description of it. She's been behind me all the way during this scare, but she has a hard time understanding something that can't affect her. I got so frustrated about it last night that I blurted out, "You know, maybe if YOU somehow grew a prostate, and started going through what I'm going through, maybe you'd understand."

That seemed to get the point across to her, and she admitted that she doesn't know what it's like to go through something like that. She does have a hard time listening too many times, and I have to convince her to. She does love my brother and I, but like I said before, she's too irritable, and she has a hard time being understanding or empathetic too many times, especially about things like this that can never happen to her.

A couple of nights ago, I broke down in tears, wishing I could talk to my Dad about it, wishing that he hadn't passed away. I know he would've been willing to talk to me, but I'm not sure what he would've said. Father's day is one of the three days of the year that I think about him the most -- the other two being his birthday, and the anniversary of the day he passed away.

My doctor also raised the possibility of an infection messing with that PHI level in my blood. Whatever's going on, I'm terrified out of my mind, as, in my case, everything usually turns out to be the worst-case scenario. I'll get bloodwork done again in about three weeks, and I hope the level looks better than it did. But at this point, I feel like waving the white flag, and resigning myself to staying alone in life, because the strikes against me keep piling up relentlessly. If there is a God, then he seems to think that I was born to do nothing but suffer for having Asperger's.

Recently, my mother found a local baseball team for people with disabilities, including those on any part of the Autism spectrum, and the first time my brother and I were there, I heard a couple of the guys who have Asperger's talk about having girlfriends, so it sounds possible to find someone to love...just not possible for me. I feel like I've always had the worst luck in the world with that.

Honestly, I hope my doctor doesn't find anything wrong. I hope he can tell me that I don't have to be scared like this anymore. That's what I hope to hear, because I don't want to be scared. I don't want my life to end with me being nothing. I don't want my life to end without me getting to experience things that so many other people get to experience.

I just hope everything is okay with my health. And I hope things finally start getting better for me.

 

[All-Rounder]

I'm sorry I haven't been on here since Mother's Day. I'm currently going through a medical scare, so it feels like things keep getting worse for me.

To be honest, I've always wanted to do something with my life, instead of being nothing, like I have been so far in my life. I haven't really faced much pressure to do anything with my life. It's my decision to want to do something with my life. I'm learning guitar, and I've been writing songs ever since I was a kid.

I was in 5th grade when I started thinking up the kind of guitar riffs that some of my favorite bands might think of, and I was writing lyrics too. Of all the riffs I had in my head, two of them stuck out more than the others -- one of them sounded like something Eddie Van Halen would've played, and one of them sounded like something that Poison's guitarist, C.C. Deville, would've played. I even thought of one that could've fit into an Ozzy Osbourne song. The only way to play them back then was in my mind. That's why they're still in my memory. From an early age, I had musical ideas churning around in my head. I still remember a lot of those ideas because I ran them through my head so often. I also practiced my vocals a lot, using lyrics to songs by my favorite bands. Practicing on songs by Journey showed me that I can hit some high notes.

It's my desire to NOT want to die alone in the world, and end up like my cousin's uncle from his mother's side of the family did -- my cousin's uncle passed away in 2007, and my cousin's mother couldn't afford to have him flown back home from Seattle, so he was alone and didn't get a proper funeral. He was buried in a nondescript wooden box, in a cemetery for those whose body was unclaimed. The cemetery is kind of like Potter's Field, a cemetery of that type that's located on Hart Island, which is part of The Bronx in New York.

That being said, I'd rather not complete an entire life of being alone, but the current medical scare might ensure that it does happen. It's a type of medical scare that some men might not feel comfortable talking about. My blood work has my doctor wondering about the possibility of prostate cancer.

I don't know if it's true, but I'm under the impression that something like that'll sure make no woman want anything to do with me. All I know is that I'm terrified. I just want the PHI index in my bloodwork to be normal, but that level has been hounding me ever since the doctor first saw something off about it in 2021. I started thinking about it, and I thought that if I had cancer in 2021, then it would be way more physically noticeable by now, but, to me, it seems like there haven't been any changes like that since 2021.

And then there's my mother. The doctor keeps mentioning maybe having a biopsy done, but the way he described it, it would be a lot to go through, including what you go through in recovery from that kind of biopsy. Mom didn't seem to understand how I was feeling after hearing the doctor's description of it. She's been behind me all the way during this scare, but she has a hard time understanding something that can't affect her. I got so frustrated about it last night that I blurted out, "You know, maybe if YOU somehow grew a prostate, and started going through what I'm going through, maybe you'd understand."

That seemed to get the point across to her, and she admitted that she doesn't know what it's like to go through something like that. She does have a hard time listening too many times, and I have to convince her to. She does love my brother and I, but like I said before, she's too irritable, and she has a hard time being understanding or empathetic too many times, especially about things like this that can never happen to her.

A couple of nights ago, I broke down in tears, wishing I could talk to my Dad about it, wishing that he hadn't passed away. I know he would've been willing to talk to me, but I'm not sure what he would've said. Father's day is one of the three days of the year that I think about him the most -- the other two being his birthday, and the anniversary of the day he passed away.

My doctor also raised the possibility of an infection messing with that PHI level in my blood. Whatever's going on, I'm terrified out of my mind, as, in my case, everything usually turns out to be the worst-case scenario. I'll get bloodwork done again in about three weeks, and I hope the level looks better than it did. But at this point, I feel like waving the white flag, and resigning myself to staying alone in life, because the strikes against me keep piling up relentlessly. If there is a God, then he seems to think that I was born to do nothing but suffer for having Asperger's.

Recently, my mother found a local baseball team for people with disabilities, including those on any part of the Autism spectrum, and the first time my brother and I were there, I heard a couple of the guys who have Asperger's talk about having girlfriends, so it sounds possible to find someone to love...just not possible for me. I feel like I've always had the worst luck in the world with that.

Honestly, I hope my doctor doesn't find anything wrong. I hope he can tell me that I don't have to be scared like this anymore. That's what I hope to hear, because I don't want to be scared. I don't want my life to end with me being nothing. I don't want my life to end without me getting to experience things that so many other people get to experience.

I just hope everything is okay with my health. And I hope things finally start getting better for me.

That is a huge deal, a cancer diagnosis, and lifechanging in this case.

I will refrain from talking about procreation and childbearers as my opinions are very opposite to the norm and it's not a good time for it since you're still trying to process everything.

I hope you will get well soon and wish you strength in dealing with everything this encompasses, also without much support at home and the additional frustration and sorrow that causes.

It is very hard to have a dead parent, a lot of their help and support is missing and life is not really designed for that sort of hardship. It takes a toll on all members of a family and it is very important if other people realize this fact. I hear stories from my neighbors about the hardships and what they miss of having that person.

Wish you a good recovery. Some things we can't control, can only wait and see, and adapt to the changes we face.

 

[jtab7800]

That is a huge deal, a cancer diagnosis, and lifechanging in this case.

I will refrain from talking about procreation and childbearers as my opinions are very opposite to the norm and it's not a good time for it since you're still trying to process everything.

I hope you will get well soon and wish you strength in dealing with everything this encompasses, also without much support at home and the additional frustration and sorrow that causes.

It is very hard to have a dead parent, a lot of their help and support is missing and life is not really designed for that sort of hardship. It takes a toll on all members of a family and it is very important if other people realize this fact. I hear stories from my neighbors about the hardships and what they miss of having that person.

Wish you a good recovery. Some things we can't control, can only wait and see, and adapt to the changes we face.

I don't know if anyone is going to reads this or not, but I truly feel like I'm alone in the world, and being alone is one of my two biggest fears, the other being a fear of death. If you combine those two fears, it's beyond terrifying. Now try to imagine what kind of fear my medical scare adds to it -- too many moments of wide-eyed terror, especially with some spells of minor pain I've been having, and not knowing if that's caused by a prostate infection instead of cancer. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I've been having to backspace and correct some of my typing because my hands are trembling. If I didn't make those corrections, you might think I'm typing something in Greek.

I used to think there was a God, but in recent years, I'm not so sure. If there is, then why would he impose a life sentence of misery on me, on the day I was born? Why would he let so many bad things happen to aspies? Does he hate them?

My younger brother is allowed to have a woman in his life, but I guess that's forbidden for me. I can't even meet one. I've always been relegated to hanging around males only, like I'm in an all-male catholic school or something. It's like no one thinks I should have any contact with women. I feel like people around me, people in my life, want me stopped at any and all costs.

I'm already in tears while I'm writing this. I'm trembling, and I'm a wreck. The doctor wants to do a biopsy on me to see if I have prostate cancer or not. I have to have a blood sample taken tomorrow. How much time is my mother really blind enough to think I have to find some one to love? I don't know if this is true -- maybe it's not true -- but All-Rounder seems to be the only one who read my last post. I wonder if there are people who are getting tired of me posting my messages?

God, I'm so scared right now... I'm scared of the possibility of cancer, and I can't get my mother to fully understand, because she doesn't have a prostate. And now I don't know what my doctor is focusing on more -- my PSA level, or the PHI (prostate health index) reading in my blood work. The biopsy is not until August 25th of this year, so my summer is probably shot because of all the worrying. They did put me on the top of the list of those who can come in sooner if there is a cancellation. The way my luck has run for my entire life, too much of what has happened to me has been the worst case scenario.

I'm also scared that no woman on this earth is going to give me a chance to show that I can be her life partner, and that I can be everything I can be to her, and love her with every single beat I've got left in my heart. I though I'd waited long enough in my life to love and be loved, but people in my life must think I haven't waited long enough. I can't even so much as meet a woman, no one wants to introduce me to any woman that they know, and I feel like a pathetic excuse for a human being that no one wants.

I feel like I've completely lost faith in the world, and in humanity. When bad things repeatedly and relentlessly keep happening, with no good things in sight, that does nothing to restore that lost faith. I feel like my life is being written by the kind of cruel soap opera writer who simply can't get enough of putting their characters through the utmost misery at all times, and that the writer is not willing to let the misery storyline end and allow me to have happiness for the first time in my life. Maybe God or some other divine being thought I deserved to suffer since the day I was born, like he brought me into the world by mistake, and he's been trying hard to push me into taking myself out of the world by making life nothing but punishment, it seems, for being born.

Sometimes, I wonder if a lot of women I cross paths with are too superficial to look beyond the surface, and see who I am on the inside. I'm not mean to people, I'm not mean to animals -- in fact, I love our two Yorkies like they're sons -- and in a relationship, I'd see my partner and I as equals.

I'm well aware that not many men in my family ever make it to 70-years-old, let alone even 60, so that makes me wonder if I even have enough time left on this earth to enjoy having someone in my life if it takes too much longer for me to even meet anyone.

Going to dating sites has put me through living hell so far. I'm not sure what to think about dating sites, even after all I've been through with them, but I've heard some people compare dating sites to going to a store, and picking a human being off of a shelf.

I feel like I've finally reached my breaking point with everything. I feel like my heart has been damaged so much in my life because of everything I've been through, and I've always hoped that there's a way back from that damage. I don't know what to think right now. All I know is that I'm scared. I know Mom's there for me, but I wish I could talk to Dad about it too. I wish Agent Orange had never been sprayed on him and so many others in Vietnam. If that hadn't happened, then Dad wouldn't have ended up with the health problems that put him in the hospital where he caught the bacterial infection that took him from us.

You have no idea how hard it is to be without him, especially at a time like this. He was 60-years-old when we lost him 14 years ago. Now I'm in tears, thinking about times when Dad was there for me. I feel like I failed him in so many ways, by not getting to do things that people get to do while their parents are still alive. I don't want to fail my mother or especially myself in that way too. My mother does love me, but she's a bit tone deaf with some of the things that she says, and she sometimes says something truly nasty while in the heat of anger, while she's at the peak of her anger. It's highly frustrating. I have to get off here for now, so I can take my antibiotic. Hopefully, it won't be long until I'm back on here.

 

[Human Avatar]

I don't know if anyone is going to reads this or not, but I truly feel like I'm alone in the world, and being alone is one of my two biggest fears, the other being a fear of death. If you combine those two fears, it's beyond terrifying. Now try to imagine what kind of fear my medical scare adds to it -- too many moments of wide-eyed terror, especially with some spells of minor pain I've been having, and not knowing if that's caused by a prostate infection instead of cancer. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I've been having to backspace and correct some of my typing because my hands are trembling. If I didn't make those corrections, you might think I'm typing something in Greek.

I used to think there was a God, but in recent years, I'm not so sure. If there is, then why would he impose a life sentence of misery on me, on the day I was born? Why would he let so many bad things happen to aspies? Does he hate them?

My younger brother is allowed to have a woman in his life, but I guess that's forbidden for me. I can't even meet one. I've always been relegated to hanging around males only, like I'm in an all-male catholic school or something. It's like no one thinks I should have any contact with women. I feel like people around me, people in my life, want me stopped at any and all costs.

I'm already in tears while I'm writing this. I'm trembling, and I'm a wreck. The doctor wants to do a biopsy on me to see if I have prostate cancer or not. I have to have a blood sample taken tomorrow. How much time is my mother really blind enough to think I have to find some one to love? I don't know if this is true -- maybe it's not true -- but All-Rounder seems to be the only one who read my last post. I wonder if there are people who are getting tired of me posting my messages?

God, I'm so scared right now... I'm scared of the possibility of cancer, and I can't get my mother to fully understand, because she doesn't have a prostate. And now I don't know what my doctor is focusing on more -- my PSA level, or the PHI (prostate health index) reading in my blood work. The biopsy is not until August 25th of this year, so my summer is probably shot because of all the worrying. They did put me on the top of the list of those who can come in sooner if there is a cancellation. The way my luck has run for my entire life, too much of what has happened to me has been the worst case scenario.

I'm also scared that no woman on this earth is going to give me a chance to show that I can be her life partner, and that I can be everything I can be to her, and love her with every single beat I've got left in my heart. I though I'd waited long enough in my life to love and be loved, but people in my life must think I haven't waited long enough. I can't even so much as meet a woman, no one wants to introduce me to any woman that they know, and I feel like a pathetic excuse for a human being that no one wants.

I feel like I've completely lost faith in the world, and in humanity. When bad things repeatedly and relentlessly keep happening, with no good things in sight, that does nothing to restore that lost faith. I feel like my life is being written by the kind of cruel soap opera writer who simply can't get enough of putting their characters through the utmost misery at all times, and that the writer is not willing to let the misery storyline end and allow me to have happiness for the first time in my life. Maybe God or some other divine being thought I deserved to suffer since the day I was born, like he brought me into the world by mistake, and he's been trying hard to push me into taking myself out of the world by making life nothing but punishment, it seems, for being born.

Sometimes, I wonder if a lot of women I cross paths with are too superficial to look beyond the surface, and see who I am on the inside. I'm not mean to people, I'm not mean to animals -- in fact, I love our two Yorkies like they're sons -- and in a relationship, I'd see my partner and I as equals.

I'm well aware that not many men in my family ever make it to 70-years-old, let alone even 60, so that makes me wonder if I even have enough time left on this earth to enjoy having someone in my life if it takes too much longer for me to even meet anyone.

Going to dating sites has put me through living hell so far. I'm not sure what to think about dating sites, even after all I've been through with them, but I've heard some people compare dating sites to going to a store, and picking a human being off of a shelf.

I feel like I've finally reached my breaking point with everything. I feel like my heart has been damaged so much in my life because of everything I've been through, and I've always hoped that there's a way back from that damage. I don't know what to think right now. All I know is that I'm scared. I know Mom's there for me, but I wish I could talk to Dad about it too. I wish Agent Orange had never been sprayed on him and so many others in Vietnam. If that hadn't happened, then Dad wouldn't have ended up with the health problems that put him in the hospital where he caught the bacterial infection that took him from us.

You have no idea how hard it is to be without him, especially at a time like this. He was 60-years-old when we lost him 14 years ago. Now I'm in tears, thinking about times when Dad was there for me. I feel like I failed him in so many ways, by not getting to do things that people get to do while their parents are still alive. I don't want to fail my mother or especially myself in that way too. My mother does love me, but she's a bit tone deaf with some of the things that she says, and she sometimes says something truly nasty while in the heat of anger, while she's at the peak of her anger. It's highly frustrating. I have to get off here for now, so I can take my antibiotic. Hopefully, it won't be long until I'm back on here.

I hope all will work out and it is not cancer .

 

[jtab7800]

I don't know if anyone will read this, but I've been wondering if life's worth living for someone in my situation. I've got no choice but to let my entire life stay lonely because no woman on this Earth wants me, or could ever want me, because I feel like none see me as being just as human as they are, and I have a mother whose temper is legendary, and in some ways, she has one of the hardest hearts I've ever seen, especially when she's taking something out on me. There is no way I can get away from her temper when she's in one of those moods. I don't know how to drive, and my mother openly admitted to me that she doesn't have enough patience to teach me how to.

And then there's the medical scare I'm going through. I still don't know what's going on yet, because a biopsy might not be done until September. The doctor himself has absolutely no problem with the idea of knocking me out for the procedure, but there's obviously some miscommunication between he and his staff, because his staff wants to schedule the biopsy to be done while I'm awake, and the lady on the phone, who wanted to schedule me to be awake during the procedure, had a rotten attitude through the entire call.

My life is falling into the pits pf hell right now, and I feel like my mother absolutely does not care. She doesn't want to do anything, except if it's something medical, and ONLY if we can get to my primary care physician. She has zero trust in any other medical professional, because of a lot of bad things that have happened in the past, yet she claims that she never lives in the past.

I'm in a world of both physical and mental pain right now, and I feel like she doesn't care. I have an area of pain in my chest -- not deep enough under the surface of my chest to be worried about my heart, but still concerning. The pain has been radiating outward from that spot a little more every day. It's been more than a week with that, and she still hasn't taken me to get it checked out.

Her mistrust in any doctor, except for our primary care physician, runs so deep that she despises the idea of going to any ER. She thinks that any ER doctor is nothing more than a quack who doesn't care, and doesn't know what they're doing. She complains about the long waits too. In 2014, Mom and I were in an ER room with my brother, who was sick, and it took that hospital literally a total of 10 hours to free up a room for him on one of the floors.

For someone like my mother, who is known for having zero patience with anything, a wait that long kept her furious the whole time, and it looked to me like it was a threat to her sanity to have to wait that long for anything. She's even hardly ever been patient with me, especially in the time before I was diagnosed with Asperger's. Even after my 2002 diagnosis, she hasn't gained much patience at all. She still gets irritated easily, and too many times, it quickly escalates to flat out anger, and she almost always gets into what I call her Fury Zone -- the point in which she absolutely does not care what she says or how nasty she gets with her words -- she has, twice before, accused me of wishing that she was the one who passed away instead of Dad.

And if I show even the slightest hint of emotion, she immediately asks if I took my medical THC gummy, or did my medical THC vape. She makes it look like her nerves stay shattered 24 hours a day. And there are things that she's never, ever been willing to get any help for -- her parents were worse than horrible. Her father, my grandfather, relentlessly beat her with a belt every day, using whichever one of his belts he thought would cause her the absolute most pain, and her mother, my grandmother, didn't care. They both had a habit of telling my mother that she was a mistake -- she was their youngest child, and from what I hear, my grandmother had not intended to get pregnant at that time. Even my Mom's brother, my uncle, was abusive -- he sexually abused her.

Ten years of my mother's childhood was in the 1960s, a time when, as I've been told, people didn't think highly of therapists and psychologists, and were not willing to seek help for anything, not even for the kind of things my mother was put through by her family. When I learned about those things, I immediately understood why there was always such a war between her, and her parents and brother. By that time, her parents had already passed away, and we were estranged from my uncle.

There have been a lot of times when I either wished my family was different, and not so temperamental, or that they were more like the family on my favorite show, Full House, willing to talk about what happened, in addition to using a NON-PHYSICAL punishment -- in other words, a childhood without pain inflicted by my parents, though after I got diagnosed with Asperger's, Dad became more understanding, and felt guilty about his part in it. Mom felt some guilt about it too, but she still maintains that you have to get physical with your kids sometimes. or they'll get away with murder. But in most of my family, parents are so impatient and easy to anger that they believe in physically punishing their kids, without EVER talking about what happened, and what can be done to keep it from happening again. I do have one cousin who might be different than that.

My family, more often a lot of my extended family, especially in my childhood, always made me feel like my words were never to be believed, just because of my young age as a child, none of them ever understood me. They made me feel like the black sheep of the family. I felt like I was thought of as the bad kid of the family. I even went to an overnight camp for three summers when I was a kid, and it was a Christian camp. It was a 5 day week at camp every year, about 50 miles away from the house where we lived at, in the eastern part of Kentucky. Looking back on it, the people at that camp were exactly the kind of Christians who would back a certain former president who has been indicted three times so far -- the cold-hearted kind who anger easily.

After two years there, I skipped a year because I felt like no one there ever liked me. After skipping going to camp in 1987, I went there one final time, because my cousins talked about how the year that I missed was the best year they ever had at the camp. I never addressed it with them, but I felt extremely hurt, like their opinion of what camp was like in 1987 was precisely because I had taken that year off from camp. There's a chance that that might not have been the case, though I always felt like things always went better for everyone without me there, no matter what people were doing at the time.

To clarify things, my mother has never been a church-goer like her abusive parents were, and she got to where she didn't like that camp at all, because of how things went there. And now I'm sitting here, in tears, realizing how much I miss my grandfather on Dad's side of the family, and remembering how much he loved my brother and I. If he was still around, he would be 98-years-old this year, but he was only 63 when we lost him to cancer in 1988. Dad was only 60 when we lost him. Is it any wonder that I feel like I don't have much time left in my life to do anything with my life?

Men in my family, especially on Dad's side of the family, hardly ever make it to 70, let alone 60, and now I have this medical scare to deal with, and my mother's attitude about medical professionals -- every time I feel like I need to get a problem checked out, her attitude is always "Wait until your next appointment with the doctor." She'll say that, no matter how far away the appointment is. That's how deep her mistrust of all other doctors goes. And there have been doctors in the past whose actions sowed the seeds of that extreme mistrust.

Mom and I have suspected that she might also be on the autism spectrum, but she has said that she does not intend to ever get tested for it. Does she think a diagnosis would make her look weak? Does she want to maintain her tough-acting exterior at any and all costs, so no one ever hurts her again? When I say things like this, that's me trying to figure things out, and find answers to questions.

Another bad thing is that my brother and I have had hardly any chances to make any friends since we moved to Florida a couple of years ago. In one of my previous messages -- I think it was on this thread -- I included links to programs that they had for people with disabilities in the town we used to live in, in Kentucky. We haven't been able to find anything like that here, nor have we been able to find anyone who wants to help us start anything like those programs. Other than the couple of friends we have, there haven't been very many friendly people here. In fact, it's looking like it's the most bigoted state we've ever lived in, and we've lived in Texas before, so we know what we've witnessed.

As far as I'm concerned, everyone is a human being. It doesn't matter who you are -- I see you as a human being, and if you want to be my friend, then I absolutely welcome it. I am not a bigot, in any way, and I never will be. Also, I absolutely love women. The thing is, I feel like they hate me. But I do treat them with respect. If there ever is a woman who gives me a chance, she will be treated with love and respect. I just wish I could actually meet one.

Whenever my biopsy is done, and I get the results, I'll have an update about it. But the thought of having a bad result scares the living -- for lack of a better word -- hell out of me. I'm going to go, for now, because my brother, my mother, and I are preparing to leave tomorrow for a 10 day trip to Kentucky to visit the friends we have there. The biopsy will likely be done after we get back. I just hope everything goes well.

 

[All-Rounder]

I think your mother will not leave you alone regardless how sick you are, and I think that you have to take initiative and stop people from using you, especially now that you're sick mentally and physically. The fact she refuses to get herself help is, sorry to say, her responsibility and her problem. It's just getting to cruel levels. I wouldn't be surprised if this stress is causing your health to downspiral, and they will not help you in need in return.

Is there anyone friends of the family you can talk to to convince your mother to take you to a doctor? They dislike others knowing of their flaws and might just do it. My neigbor talked to mom about her attitude towards something in my life, that strangers have to come and help instead of her. She opened her eyes a bit of the extreme ways shes been behaving (but my mom knows and likes to do it on purpose and my friend tells me what mom does and we share experiences; like your mo mine is very broken from childhood and she has little empathy anymore), so it's worth it.

 

[jtab7800]

Got my biopsy done. Now I'm just waiting for the results, which I likely won't know until at least this coming Thursday. As for my mother and I, things have gotten a little bit better with us recently. She's been showing signs over the past month of doing better. She does love me, and she's always telling me that. We've cut down on our arguments.

It seems that, too often, her reactions to things have a tendency to be out of proportion to the situation. These days, she has more on her mind than she used to, with my brother's dialysis and other medical problems to worry about, and now with my health situation to worry about too, so we've been going through a lot.

With the help of my therapist, I've realized that when stress takes a toll on her -- and it tends to do that easily -- she has a habit of taking it out on me more than anyone else. I've been seeing signs that she's trying to cut down on doing that, because she feels guilty about it.

It's not easy for her to control her temper, but she's taking steps to try to do better with it. Right now, though, we're hoping to hear good things from my doctor.

 

[jtab7800]

Got the results of my biopsy a couple of days ago. They didn't find any cancer, so that's a relief. Now I can focus on getting my life together, if I can.