Frustrated And Angry

[Judge]

Do you all feel any better about socialization amongst a much smaller number of people? Just wondering. I tend to be more confident in a controlled/prepared situation where it involves very few people rather than a mob.

At this point in my life I think I could reconcile this. After all, I've always known I do better with people in "small doses" than large ones. To work with my limitations rather than constantly fight them. A major aspect of self-awareness, IMO.

To use what resources you actually have rather than lament over the ones you don't.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Do you all feel any better about socialization amongst a much smaller number of people? Just wondering. I tend to be more confident in a controlled/prepared situation where it involves very few people rather than a mob.

Yes, with one caveat: If there's one or more people in that small group that I just really don't like and don't want to talk with, I'll shut everyone out to help decrease the likelihood of having to talk with that one or two people.

For example, if I have to be around my family members, I'd much rather be in a large group to minimize the chance of having to interact with people...it's easier to disappear in a corner if there are a lot of people around. If I'm at a small group meeting at church and a particular church person is there, I'd rather it be a larger group so I don't have to talk with her or listen to her as much.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I can't help but wonder if the other people at Bingo night are just oblivious? Not in a bad way. I've had a few nights when I'd go out with a friend I'd get so focused on them I was completely unaware of anybody else nearby. Perhaps you don't stand out enough? Or they don't think you're interested in socializing so they don't come up to you much? I've certainly heard before some find me intimidating and don't chat with me, so are you possibly scary?

All erring on the side of innocence. I reckon strike out a few times and try to join in chit chat?

 

[Graelwyn]

Do you all feel any better about socialization amongst a much smaller number of people? Just wondering. I tend to be more confident in a controlled/prepared situation where it involves very few people rather than a mob.

At this point in my life I think I could reconcile this. After all, I've always known I do better with people in "small doses" than large ones. To work with my limitations rather than constantly fight them. A major aspect of self-awareness, IMO.

To use what resources you actually have rather than lament over the ones you don't.

Oh yes, when there was just a group of around 8 of us to a concert the other night, I managed much better and felt much more connected to the others. It was easier. Last night, there were 20 at the Bingo, and although we were sat in tables of 4 for the actual Bingo, I still found it a lot harder.

At coffee mornings the group sometimes had in a local cafe, I also coped much better, as there were only between 4 and 8 of us.

 

[Graelwyn]

I can't help but wonder if the other people at Bingo night are just oblivious? Not in a bad way. I've had a few nights when I'd go out with a friend I'd get so focused on them I was completely unaware of anybody else nearby. Perhaps you don't stand out enough? Or they don't think you're interested in socializing so they don't come up to you much? I've certainly heard before some find me intimidating and don't chat with me, so are you possibly scary?

All erring on the side of innocence. I reckon strike out a few times and try to join in chit chat?

I cannot be that scary since at other meetings, a few of them have hugged me in greeting or before going home. I do not think I am scary at all. But I think quite a few of them have already known each other for sometime, and maybe communicate via facebook and phone sometimes when not out with the group. Or have had more chance to talk at meetings. I am not sure. Those who posted on my facebook post about my feelings last night, from the group, say I am fitting in just fine and that I just need to give it more time.

 

[pax]

I thought camping alone is an Aspie's dream. All that time by yourself with no people around, not much noise and being one with nature. Am I wrong?

Well apart from cicadas. They're a bastard.

 

[pax]

Graelwyn, I know how you feel, and would like to give you a big virtual hug . It's so hard when you make the decision to try something new, ignore the sensory issues, put yourself out there, and you may as well be a fly on the wall. I don't know, maybe try talking to someone over the coffee and bikkies, when it;s a bit informal and they haven't broken off intoo groups yet? I don't really have any answers, because I am yet to work this out.

 

[Spiller]

I can't help but wonder if the other people at Bingo night are just oblivious? Not in a bad way.

It's been my observation that most people are oblivious of what goes on around them generally. I'm almost always aware of who's around and behind me, unless I'm distracted by something particularly interesting.
How inconsiderate do people seem in the supermarket, stopping or changing direction suddenly, grouping and chatting in the middle of the isle? I find I'm incapable of not considering such things.
I wonder if it's not that NT's are inconsiderate, just that we are more concious, more of the time, demanding more of ourselves and, therefore, subconciously more of others?
I share your experience, pain and discouragement, but if you need to socialise for the sake of your sanity, I say think less about the negative experiences, keep a list (I have one on my phone) of the positive ones and keep at it!

 

[The Penguin]

Oh yes, when there was just a group of around 8 of us to a concert the other night, I managed much better and felt much more connected to the others. It was easier. Last night, there were 20 at the Bingo, and although we were sat in tables of 4 for the actual Bingo, I still found it a lot harder.

At coffee mornings the group sometimes had in a local cafe, I also coped much better, as there were only between 4 and 8 of us.

Then you are more like me prefer smaller groups. During the days you feel overwhelm when there a lot of people for your group is to stay around less. But regardless what size of group, stay for the amount of time you feel most comfortable. I give one example. First try 2 hours. After try 2 hours and 15 minutes. If your not ready for 2 hour and 30 minutes, stay for 2 hours and 15 minutes until your ready to move up to 2 hours and 30 minutes. I thinking using a modal something like this might help you. Choose your own base time how long you want to stay and aim for another 15 minutes next time. This way within time you should be able to get use to staying for longer periods. It also OK if you have periods you want to stay less than usually.

 

[Judge]

In the hobby club I was attending there was always groups of people talking when they really should have been listening as the club president would speak. I have a terrible time hearing one person speak over hearing four others talking at the same time in the same room. That wears me down...almost becomes stressful at times. And usually it involved the same offenders. Somehow I kept my cool, but at times I wanted to scream at these people to just shut up.

I can multitask, but not if it involves listening to more than one conversation at the same time. Makes me wonder at times if I too have some kind of attention deficit I'm not aware of. Very frustrating.

Smaller groups, less confusion...although there's never any guarantee of people observing protocol or simply good manners. So I see my experience with the hobby club not as a lost cause, but yet another learning experience. Limit my exposure to just so many people. I'm ok with that. Hope others here are too if it helps.

 

[Warmheart]

I can relate! Joining any group has always felt like this. I'm always on the outside, looking in. I feel at huge disadvantage from the get-go, and breaking into groups feels impossible.

I have decided that being myself means being okay with not being included sometimes. In the past, I have forced myself to "method-act" to try to chat my way into groups, but then I pay for it later with shutdowns. Forcing socialization in groups always comes at a price for me. One-on-one in quiet places like a library, a nature area, a museum, can feel gentler and easier for someone confuzzled by social rules and dealing with social overwhelm. Some of us just make friends at a gentler pace, in gentler situations.

At Bingo, can you find a quiet corner, grab a coffee, and observe for a few times? Not rush yourself just yet? Eventually, you may meet another Bingo enthusiast who shares some of your other interests, and you can more easily enter into conversation with just one or two people, at your own speed. Best of luck!

 

[Judge]

Corners, sides....at the back of the room....etc., etc.. Never, ever in the middle. Not even in a movie theater.

I've done them all my life, but now I know why.

 

[The Penguin]

Corners, sides....at the back of the room....etc., etc.. Never, ever in the middle. Not even in a movie theater.

I've done them all my life, but now I know why.

I'm a person prefer sitting in the middle. No need to tilt my head. I try to balance it out so people don't need to pass by me during the movie.

 

[Judge]

I'm a person prefer sitting in the middle. No need to tilt my head. I try to balance it out so people don't need to pass by me during the movie.

Yeah, I suppose it depends on the theater as well. If I'm all the way to the back with stadium-style seating generally there's little possibility of anyone obscuring my view. No need to tilt my head, either.

Of course I seldom have been to the movies in some time...always going to a matinee and encountering far fewer people. Pay-per-view is so much nicer...except for the smaller screen! But the popcorn is a lot cheaper.

 

[GoofKing]

I went to a Bingo night with the meetup group I have been going out to things with for 6 weeks now. It has been hard work, but I was hoping I was starting to integrate.

Tonight, afterwards, everyone stood chatting in groups and I stood there hoping someone might notice me and include me or that there might be an opening but no one even seemed to see me there. It was as if I was invisible.

I am now left feeling really angry at myself for being unable to socialise the way they can, and I feel defective and useless, to be honest.
I simply left and got the bus home, as no one could give me a lift (it is quite late at night) and cried the whole way home as well as battling feelings of utter hopelessness and worthlessness.

I don't understand how they could all just chat and ignore a member of their group who was standing there, wanting to join in. It has made me realise why I have kept myself isolated for the best part of 10 years. It just ends up causing me pain.

This happened to me in any type of groups and the reason why I prefer to work alone :/

I'm sorry you had to experience that and wish your meetup group members would learn to be polite enough to at least try and communicate with you instead of ignoring you

This is the reason why I never felt that I belong to a church no matter where I went and learned the hard way that God is for NT's and not Aspies. They either had a one time conversation with me out of politeness or gave me funny looks .. .. I apologize for the offensive bitterness of being excluded from groups or the church :/

 

[The Penguin]

This is the reason why I never felt that I belong to a church no matter where I went and learned the hard way that God is for NT's and not Aspies.

Well, I wouldn't quite say that. It even odd for me saying this despite I'm an atheist. Church and god is not for everyone, but there are many NT's and Aspies that are into it. But I think you are more expesinging how you feel from your experiences which I can somewhat relate. But one topic I always try to avoid is anything that religious related. It's a topic I promise myself I will never debate anyone about. Though I know your goal is not to debate. I'm only expressing myself here. I do accept people that have their own beliefs. If it helps them for their lives, all the power to them.

 

[Graelwyn]

This happened to me in any type of groups and the reason why I prefer to work alone :/

I'm sorry you had to experience that and wish your meetup group members would learn to be polite enough to at least try and communicate with you instead of ignoring you

This is the reason why I never felt that I belong to a church no matter where I went and learned the hard way that God is for NT's and not Aspies. They either had a one time conversation with me out of politeness or gave me funny looks .. .. I apologize for the offensive bitterness of being excluded from groups or the church :/

I can understand your bitterness.
What is a struggle for me, is that because I never had a diagnosis until a short time ago, and have only really suspected Aspergers for the last 5 years or so, I grew up believing it is because I am defective, useless, worthless, faulty, abnormal etc, that is very engrained in me now so instead of thinking, this is just the way I am and not my fault, I tend to instantly think, this is my fault, it is because I am crap as a person.

I am still sort of struggling to absorb that I actually am on the spectrum to be honest.
I had always assumed something like that would be so obvious that there was no way my parents could have missed it, let alone other adults in my life as a child. Though admittedly, sisters who knew me at school and who are not in the health profession, with one having a son with Asperger's apparently concluded sometime ago that I have it when they had some sort of discussion about my as adults.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Though admittedly, sisters who knew me at school and who are not in the health profession, with one having a son with Asperger's apparently concluded sometime ago that I have it when they had some sort of discussion about my as adults.

Part of me is afraid my family members have come to this conclusion, too, and no one has told me. At the same time, it might actually be a relief for them to know already so I don't have to try to convince them when/if I do get the courage up to say something about it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This is the reason why I never felt that I belong to a church no matter where I went and learned the hard way that God is for NT's and not Aspies. They either had a one time conversation with me out of politeness or gave me funny looks .. .. I apologize for the offensive bitterness of being excluded from groups or the church :/

One of the reasons I stay on this forum (apart from all the great people I have met, of course) is the hope that some of my experiences might show how certain things that happen to Aspies also happen in NT land too and maybe I can give a different perspective on things. God is for everyone who wants Him. That said, I was brought up in a Catholic church from birth. This church was so big it had something like 3000 or more families. I went to church every Sunday and up to the end I have to say that even when I was in church service and the whole place was full, I never felt lonelier. You looked straight ahead at the alter, shook hands with your neighbor (some wouldn't even turn around to shake hands or do a weak handshake like they didn't want to touch you in the first place), then soon left after mass was over. Some even left before the service was over. I went to church mainly for myself and Ma and to pray. Now that I don't go, I don't miss church a bit except maybe around Christmas when the choir would sing. I can pray at home just fine. I just don't want you to think that what happened to you doesn't happen with anyone else. I would have shook your hand if you had went to my church.

 

[Spiller]

suspected Aspergers for the last 5 years or so, I grew up believing it is because I am defective, useless, worthless, faulty, abnormal etc, that is very engrained in me now so instead of thinking, this is just the way I am and not my fault, I tend to instantly think, this is my fault, it is because I am crap as a person.

Graelwyn, Are you pursuing an official diagnosis? This is exactly the reason I am because, despite all my research, I can't shake the lack of faith in myself! I can say "I have Aspergers" all I like, but that part of me that lived for 46 years thinking I was a mutant says "I am a mutant" much more loudly!
I wanna see if that expert and his signed bit of paper make me feel.. worthy! Gotta be worth a shot, right?