Girls are really nice

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Gerald Wilgus, what was your attitude like before you married? I can't see you walking through the world cursing other people for having happy things, instead of being glad for them - or at the very least neutral, when you were younger and sad about things you didn't have (and we all know you didn't feel entitled to that stuff). Am I way off the mark with that guess?

@Callistemon, I was getting pretty negative by age 25 by an unremitting loneliness that I felt powerless to change, though I behaved ethically and courteously towards people I worked with or encountered. I recognized that I did not understand people. Finally making enough to have a little disposable income, I started pursuing my special interests in the outdoors and natural history.

Then, reading a lot, I worked on enjoying who I was and understanding social communication. My attitude improved and I enjoyed chances to meet women, even engaging with couples, hinting that I was looking to connect and get into a relationship. Every date I went on after, taught me a little more, and I was acting hopeful and positive. I happily shared my knowledge with others and enjoyed day trips with them, taking part in activities.

Most dates and one longer term relationship went nowhere, but they gave me hope that I was moving in the right direction. Feeling good about myself and even though not thinking I was a conventional male, I was enjoying myself and rather than paying attention to pro sports, I was out hiking, bicycling, skiing, or fossil collecting.

It was at this time when I met my spouse, first spending time on the phone helping her get ready for a trail maintenance trip then making plans to drive together to the trip. Having a good attitude and being open to things made a huge difference in moving from enjoying the time together to enjoying a life together.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Personally, I don't think I'm really a man cause I don't do like manly work and I'm not really confident with girls, so.

Welcome to the club. However you think you are not, your post tells me that you are a mensch (look it up). Combine that with an interest in the world and you are noticeable and more desirable than you see yourself.

Once you meet somebody that is accepting of you and I guarantee that your doubts will evaporate. My spouse considers not being conventionally male, especially with respect to pro sports, to be a positive thing. I am satisfied not being a conventional male.

 

[mw2530]

I have not had the same experience. Most girls have treated me poorly or ignored me. Laughed at or talked about me behind my back. Generally, the only girls who have treated me well have been those who are already coupled up. I have learned that I made countless mistakes with my behavior, but the most damaging is that I felt extremely inferior to woman was very attractive and felt unworthy. That type of feeling meant I had zero chance. But those feelings arose due to many years of being shunned socially from my peers. Now I am older, and there are few quality single prospects available to me, especially since I don't live near a bigger city. So I am more capable now and still have some work to go, but given my age it is not going to be easy to repair my life. And I have missed out on what feels like a lifetime of social, relationship, and sexual experiences. I don't recommend going down the path I did. But for me, I don't know how much of it was in my control. I certainly did not get much help from others. And I spent too much time at some jobs that had a profoundly negative impact on my mental health which meant I had no energy to try improve my personal life. These jobs were very destructive to building my personal life. Too often, I have focused on work over building a personal life. I had my priorities reversed. But American schools kind of teach you to focus so much on school and career. Lastly, my special interest got me through some of these miserable years. But since I was so talented at my special interest, it allowed me to ignore my unhappiness in my social/relationship/sexual life. If I didn't have that level of skill, or perhaps if it was a different special interest, it may not have turned out that way. So I definitely made some mistakes, but seems like a lot of those mistakes were inevitable. I certainly did not get much help or good advice on my journey. And for that I am still rather bitter and angry about. I am working on getting therapy for all this trauma. But the healing does not happen overnight, and it is more difficult to make a life when you start late.

Overall thought, my feelings of inadequacy may not have been so severe had more women treated me with dignity and respect. And my peers in general, male and female.

 

[BongoMan]

I have not had the same experience. Most girls have treated me poorly or ignored me. Laughed at or talked about me behind my back. Generally, the only girls who have treated me well have been those who are already coupled up. I have learned that I made countless mistakes with my behavior, but the most damaging is that I felt extremely inferior to woman was very attractive and felt unworthy. That type of feeling meant I had zero chance. But those feelings arose due to many years of being shunned socially from my peers. Now I am older, and there are few quality single prospects available to me, especially since I don't live near a bigger city. So I am more capable now and still have some work to go, but given my age it is not going to be easy to repair my life. And I have missed out on what feels like a lifetime of social, relationship, and sexual experiences. I don't recommend going down the path I did. But for me, I don't know how much of it was in my control. I certainly did not get much help from others. And I spent too much time at some jobs that had a profoundly negative impact on my mental health which meant I had no energy to try improve my personal life. These jobs were very destructive to building my personal life. Too often, I have focused on work over building a personal life. I had my priorities reversed. But American schools kind of teach you to focus so much on school and career. Lastly, my special interest got me through some of these miserable years. But since I was so talented at my special interest, it allowed me to ignore my unhappiness in my social/relationship/sexual life. If I didn't have that level of skill, or perhaps if it was a different special interest, it may not have turned out that way. So I definitely made some mistakes, but seems like a lot of those mistakes were inevitable. I certainly did not get much help or good advice on my journey. And for that I am still rather bitter and angry about. I am working on getting therapy for all this trauma. But the healing does not happen overnight, and it is more difficult to make a life when you start late.

Overall thought, my feelings of inadequacy may not have been so severe had more women treated me with dignity and respect. And my peers in general, male and female.

I'm sorry about that, the reason why the girls are nice where I am is because I go to a private school.

 

[Shaddock]

in my opinion men and women are equal and there is no important difference for me. women can have a bad character, men can have a bad character. I think one problem is maybe that when there is a really pretty woman, people and especially men think that because she is so pretty, she has to be a nice person. (it is proven that attractivity manipulates our view of others), but it is important to know that attractivity has nothing to do with the personality.

there was a woman. she was very pretty and seemed to be very nice. but inside she was very ugly and awful, but it took me a bit time to notice that she had two faces.

this can happen with men too, of course.

a scientist once said that he is really upset because so many people see differences between genders, where there is no or very less difference.

to conclude: I don´t really care what gender someone has, I always try to focus on the personality of someone and if someone has a bad personality or behavior, it does not matter what gender this person has.

 

[BongoMan]

in my opinion men and women are equal and there is no important difference for me. women can have a bad character, men can have a bad character. I think one problem is maybe that when there is a really pretty woman, people and especially men think that because she is so pretty, she has to be a nice person. (it is proven that attractivity manipulates our view of others), but it is important to know that attractivity has nothing to do with the personality.

there was a woman. she was very pretty and seemed to be very nice. but inside she was very ugly and awful, but it took me a bit time to notice that she had two faces.

this can happen with men too, of course.

a scientist once said that he is really upset because so many people see differences between genders, where there is no or very less difference.

to conclude: I don´t really care what gender someone has, I always try to focus on the personality of someone and if someone has a bad personality or behavior, it does not matter what gender this person has.

I was just complimenting women

 

[tree]

....the reason why the girls are nice where I am is because I go to a private school.

How does that work?
Is it in the school rule book that everybody has to be nice?
And they actually are?

 

[BongoMan]

How does that work?
Is it in the school rule book that everybody has to be nice?
And they actually are?

Seriously still think you dislike me.

 

[tree]

Seriously still think you dislike me.

That doesn't answer the question.

What about your school insures that the girls are nice?

Rewards for good behavior?

 

[BongoMan]

That doesn't answer the question.

What about your school insures that the girls are nice?

Rewards for good behavior?

I-I don't know...

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I will be totally honest and tell you that I would not want to be friends with someone with that kind of attitude to other people and the world. I've bitten my lip many times when reading your posts, but now I'm going to say something.

As @Yeshuasdaughter said - women don't go to church in order to be hit upon. And I will say: Being polite to someone doesn't entitle you to their time of day or goodwill or anything else. It's just a fundamental human responsibility. You don't do it to get something off other people, you do it because it's the right thing to do. I am unsurprised that you are being avoided, IRL and also here.

The way you talk about couples smacks of bitterness and envy. Have you ever been happy for someone else when they had something good you didn't? Think about that. Because if you can't be happy for other people to have good things, even if you don't have them, you are going to rightly repel other people and you're going to be an unending source of your own misery and karma.

And so you left your church group because of another older woman who swears. Are you perfect? And do you ever read the Sermon on the Mount, which talks about the subject of stone-throwing and hypocrisy at length, and to love thy neighbour as yourself, and to forgive others, and to give from your heart not expecting to be repaid in kind, and other incredibly useful things like this? Because that's about human decency and generosity, not external shows of morality and I-scratched-your-back-now-you-will-scratch-mine. I think time at church would be better spent thinking about those things, than treating it as a dating agency.

My husband and I didn't meet till our mid-30s, but neither of us, through long stretches of prior singledom, ran around with that kind of attitude because of it. @Gerald Wilgus, what was your attitude like before you married? I can't see you walking through the world cursing other people for having happy things, instead of being glad for them - or at the very least neutral, when you were younger and sad about things you didn't have (and we all know you didn't feel entitled to that stuff). Am I way off the mark with that guess?

Lately I been hearing the same thing from my married friend. So what if married people say that Church is not an dating service. Many actually meet there spouse either from Church or Christian life groups but no I am always told that I can't have that.

Also I don't want to hear I am rude that girl from life group and Church is terribly rude. Everyone else their was nice and she was the only one who ignored me even when talking in an group.