guilt for stimming

[fern_77]

when i think of or see people or things that make me happy, or listen to music i enjoy, i often flap my hands, shake my fists in front of my chest, or rock back and forth. when i'm upset or overwhelmed i often do those things too, as i find that they help. i also meow sometimes, for no real reason except that i like to do so.
but when i do these things i feel guilty. i feel embarrassed for flapping my hands when i think of my best friend. i feel silly for rocking back and forth when i'm arguing with my parents and i feel upset. i feel like i'm not supposed to do these things, that they're wrong of me, and i feel ashamed. i don't always feel this way. sometimes i'm okay with it. sometimes i don't criticize myself for stimming because frankly, it's not like it's a big deal. i'm not hurting anyone, and stimming is something that i enjoy. but other times i feel ashamed of myself, even though i know logically that it's a perfectly okay thing to do

 

[Streetwise]

I'm slightly further on than you but on another branch I hyperventilate then hyperventilate when I self stimulate and I'm high functioning so I analyse then very rarely hyperventilate if someone sees me self soothing and then try to communicate midst hyperventilation

 

[Raggamuffin]

I stim in my own company. I wouldn't do it around other people as I know it's obvious the second you notice it that it's not something people would consider "normal". Which then leads to stigma from some people. Even the atmosphere that's left when someone has seen me stim feels quite humbling.

Ed

 

[Neonatal RRT]

when i think of or see people or things that make me happy, or listen to music i enjoy, i often flap my hands, shake my fists in front of my chest, or rock back and forth. when i'm upset or overwhelmed i often do those things too, as i find that they help. i also meow sometimes, for no real reason except that i like to do so.
but when i do these things i feel guilty. i feel embarrassed for flapping my hands when i think of my best friend. i feel silly for rocking back and forth when i'm arguing with my parents and i feel upset. i feel like i'm not supposed to do these things, that they're wrong of me, and i feel ashamed. i don't always feel this way. sometimes i'm okay with it. sometimes i don't criticize myself for stimming because frankly, it's not like it's a big deal. i'm not hurting anyone, and stimming is something that i enjoy. but other times i feel ashamed of myself, even though i know logically that it's a perfectly okay thing to do

You're comparing yourself to "neurotypical norms" and having these feelings because you're not conforming to that standard. If anyone here masks,...same sorts of thoughts and feelings are there, as well.

The reality is that when you are stimming like that, it is quite obvious to others,...and there may be some embarrassment,...but really the problem is with others expecting everyone to conform to some behavioral standard.

You do you and be happy. You don't need validation from others,...they wouldn't begin to understand anyways.

 

[Tom]

Well you never know what might come in handy some day. I heard on a radio show one time that when a very rich eccentric's cat died, he hired a man to stay out of sight in his house and meow occasionally. It somehow comforted the eccentric.

 

[Judge]

Stimming is where I draw a line in terms of anyone mentioning it or complaining about it. Something done IMO within my own personal space. So if someone doesn't like or approve of it, frankly I don't care.

 

[Nervous Rex]

The guilt comes from public shaming or the pressure to conform. By feeling guilty for stimming, you are letting yourself feel bad so others can feel good about themselves.

The people who are the most vocal about someone else not conforming are those who are most insecure. Unable to validate themselves internally, they feel the need to drag others down. Ignore them - their behavior says nothing about you and everything about them. Instead, look for those people who quietly do their own thing without needing someone else to validate them. Those are the kind of people you can be happiest around.

Remember that you have value regardless of what others think of you. Your value is that of one human being - no more and no less than anyone else. You have just as much right to have your needs met as anyone else. You don't need someone else's approval to feel good. Repeat this to yourself as often as you need, until you believe it and internalize it.

 

[Suzette]

I am 54 and stim much less than I used to. But as I get older I find myself stimming more. And I really don't care.
In my teens through my 40s I exerted enormous self control not to stim. There is no doubt this took a toll on my mental health. So now I don't bother.

I only have one life. I am going to not waste any more of it by doing things so that others can feel comfortable. They need to toughen up and find the courage to face things that they feel uncomfortable with. Just as they insisted I do.

 

[watersprite]

I’m not neurotypical. Most people pick up on me being very different from NT pretty much immediately. If in fact someone assumes I’m like them, it actually irks me a little.

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

I never thought what I did had a name, and I thought everyone did it. Now that I know it has a label, I’ve definitely become more aware of my stimming. Just the other day, I went to Michaels to get some artist tape, and I just rattled it around in my hand until I got to my car. 1) I was excited to finally have some, 2) I liked the way it felt in my hand when I was shaking it, 3) I wanted to get out of the store ASAP. Stimming helps you regulate your emotions.

My friend did also point out that I was just absolutely whaling on myself when I was getting excited or upset… never occurred to me that that was why I got random bruises on my legs… I’ve been working on stopping this one.

As you said, you’re not hurting anyone by expressing your excitement and happiness by flapping your hands or rocking back and forth. You’re being yourself! And that’s completely fine and even wonderful

Also! Welcome! Glad to have ya!

 

[Fino]

Often when our bodies react with emotions that we don't feel are warranted logically it's because at some point in the past something happened that imprinted the emotion onto the event. In your case, that would mean that at some point in your past you were shamed for stimming and that's stuck with you, beneath the surface.

 

[Pats]

My brother once had this poster "If it feels good, do it". Sometimes society puts rules in there that makes it difficult to be atypical. I rock back and forth for comfort without thinking or realizing it until someone asks why am I rocking, is something wrong with me? Even my mom asked that (didn't know then that I was autistic). But it made me feel like maybe something WAS wrong with me. But now I can give an answer to myself why I do these things and if someone has a problem with it - well, it's their problem. Don't feel guilty if it helps you get through life. Better than drugs and alcohol, which seems more accceptable for some strange reason.

 

[Pats]

Also, fidgets have become very popular - school kids have tons of them and trade them with each other. So in today's world (at least here) fidgeting with fidgets seems to be the 'in' thing.

 

[fern_77]

The guilt comes from public shaming or the pressure to conform. By feeling guilty for stimming, you are letting yourself feel bad so others can feel good about themselves.

The people who are the most vocal about someone else not conforming are those who are most insecure. Unable to validate themselves internally, they feel the need to drag others down. Ignore them - their behavior says nothing about you and everything about them. Instead, look for those people who quietly do their own thing without needing someone else to validate them. Those are the kind of people you can be happiest around.

Remember that you have value regardless of what others think of you. Your value is that of one human being - no more and no less than anyone else. You have just as much right to have your needs met as anyone else. You don't need someone else's approval to feel good. Repeat this to yourself as often as you need, until you believe it and internalize it.

this response is very helpful and i appreciate you posting it. thank you

 

[fern_77]

Also, fidgets have become very popular - school kids have tons of them and trade them with each other. So in today's world (at least here) fidgeting with fidgets seems to be the 'in' thing.

nowadays i don't really see lots of kids bringing fidgets into school and frankly, i'm kind of glad that that's the case. i wouldn't want any fidgets i use to get super popular and then get banned in my school, like what happened with fidget spinners in some schools

 

[Gerontius]

Fern-

Don't feel guilty for fidgeting and what-not; it's bad enough that a lot of people get guilt for simple existence. How dare we have the Audacity--the ruddy Cheek--to draw breath.

If you watch, many people stim when in deep thought, even neurotypicals. The ones who never stim are frequently preoccupied with presenting a front to the world. (NT's also mask.) The scientific word is 'stereotypy' and there are plenty of things about that in all people. Even animals do it sometimes--horses get bored & exhibit "stable vices." They kick, they fidget, they paw or dig, they chew on their manger. And of course people call that 'vices' and it's the same with autistic people stimming; these examples of stereotypy get treated as moral problems. I was told growing up that it was immoral to stim, and that I was becoming, and I quote, "too prone to yielding to the senses." (My mother talked like a book probably because she coped with stress by hoarding antique nonfiction books & reading them 24/7. Silly of her but maladaptive coping is still the way people try to handle things.)

The meowing you mentioned sounds very odd but it's not like it's wrong, so don't worry. It's a lot less weird than the Neurotypical stims I've heard of. Socially acceptable stims for the peopley moments, then get home or around friends & cut loose...that's what I do. I was watching people last Sunday & everyone was stimming in a restaurant, children & old people alike.

 

[Streetwise]

and stim much less than I used to. But as I get older I find myself stimming more

could you explain the above quote with a picture I found English comprehension very very hard to understand I'm very very bad at abstract thought thanks

 

[Suzette]

could you explain the above quote with a picture I found English comprehension very very hard to understand I'm very very bad at abstract thought thanks

When I was younger, as a child and in my teens, I had a lot of self soothing behaviors. As an adult in my 20s, 30s and 40s, I did not stim much.

But I am in my mid 50s now and I will stim unconsciously. Like this summer I thought my husband was driving too fast but I didn't say anything. But he asked me "what are you doing?" and I looked at my hands and discovered that I was curling my fingers over and over.

 

[Streetwise]

When I was younger, as a child and in my teens, I had a lot of self soothing behaviors. As an adult in my 20s, 30s and 40s, I did not stim much.

But I am in my mid 50s now and I will stim unconsciously. Like this summer I thought my husband was driving too fast but I didn't say anything. But he asked me "what are you doing?" and I looked at my hands and discovered that I was curling my fingers over and over.

Did I infer correctly the difference is conscious and unconscious?

 

[Suzette]

Did I infer correctly the difference is conscious and unconscious?

I think so. Conscious - knowing, aware. Unconscious - unknowing, unaware. Does that help?