Has anyone accused you of running your mouth/complaining/talking back even though you did nothing wrong?

[Dagan]

But... why respond at all? You wouldn't point it out if it didn't meet a need. People are wrong; let them be wrong. Pointing it out comes across as arrogant.

The necessity for me is that I want clarification or remedy to what's going to irk me to no end. I fail to understand how it is arrogance just wanting someone to not sound confusing, off kilter or that I prefer them to better sound like they have full knowledge and sense in what they're talking about. I already worry about making mistakes or being mistaken. If someone is barking at me and just spouting falsities or nothing of consistent logic, I'm not just going to blindly believe them and/or fulfill whatever demands they may have. Furthermore, I will not let their wrongs become in any way, shape or form what turn me into being wrong because I just blindly followed their orders like an ignorant lemming. Likewise, if I see or hear of the same person trying to convince or convert others to their non-logic, I'm going to call that out, too. I must strongly contend against your claim that it's arrogant to make efforts preventing any amount of what would be "stupidity" in this world.

Now, per the aspect of someone yelling at me, nonsense or not, no matter their age or authority, they are just promoting their lacking confidence / faith in themselves and/or whatever they believe in. Sensationalism has never once swayed me to think that someone is smarter or better than anyone calmly having a discussion, making the same points (right or wrong).

 

[Misty Avich]

It seems to be OK if an NT points it out rudely to someone all the time. But if an Aspie does it, it's wrong and needs to be lectured. Oh, the sweet double standards. And people wonder why I hate being on the spectrum. I want the freedom NTs get.

 

[Neri]

Some people are just not very compassionate and/or not very reasonable.

They, maybe, haven't learnt to treat themselves compassionately, let alone anybody else. They may not have the capacity and they may be unwilling to develop it.

A solution that I have found, is to cultivate more compassion, myself. If they are responding in a way to shut you down, they are communicating that they don't have the capacity to respond to you. They are simply reacting. And they may not be open to any feedback or instruction.

Another thing that can be at play, which is something that I indentify with, is being demand avoidant. I very much relate to the newly coined "Pathological Demand Avoidance" or, as some in the autistic community like to reframe as Persistent Drive for Autonomy" PDA.
PDA can be a reactive resistance to being told you should change. It seems to be "turned up" within the Autistic community. Being told "You are wrong" can be interpreted as "You need to change". Parents of autistic children are the one's we inherited our genes from, so it might be an issue with them.

Another thing, as a parent of multiple autistic children, some with very complex, highly developed intellectual capacity, is that we as parents, would like our children to learn to respect and appreciate what we do for them and to pass that graciousness on to other's in their lives. So sometimes we will be intolerant of the attitude of "You are wrong, I am right" when it comes with a sense of moral superiority and entitlement. That is an issue I sometimes deal with, with my youngest son. Sometimes he IS right, but there are ways of expressing that, that elicit a more favourable response and that is something us parents try to teach our children

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Some people are just not very compassionate and/or not very reasonable.

They, maybe, haven't learnt to treat themselves compassionately, let alone anybody else. They may not have the capacity and they may be unwilling to develop it.

A solution that I have found, is to cultivate more compassion, myself. If they are responding in a way to shut you down, they are communicating that they don't have the capacity to respond to you. They are simply reacting. And they may not be open to any feedback or instruction.

Another thing that can be at play, which is something that I indentify with, is being demand avoidant. I very much relate to the newly coined "Pathological Demand Avoidance" or, as some in the autistic community like to reframe as Persistent Drive for Autonomy" PDA.
PDA can be a reactive resistance to being told you should change. It seems to be "turned up" within the Autistic community. Being told "You are wrong" can be interpreted as "You need to change". Parents of autistic children are the one's we inherited our genes from, so it might be an issue with them.

Another thing, as a parent of multiple autistic children, some with very complex, highly developed intellectual capacity, is that we as parents, would like our children to learn to respect and appreciate what we do for them and to pass that graciousness on to other's in their lives. So sometimes we will be intolerant of the attitude of "You are wrong, I am right" when it comes with a sense of moral superiority and entitlement. That is an issue I sometimes deal with, with my youngest son. Sometimes he IS right, but there are ways of expressing that, that elicit a more favourable response and that is something us parents try to teach our children

this is not the same for my own experience. Because as my parents are neurotypical, they’ll expect me to be grateful for the things they do for me meanwhile they are fine with acting entitled. And being taught to act a certain way and that I have to change while they can still act however they like absolutely pisses me off.

One simply did not CHOOSE to be autistic so it is impossible to change that. We come with traits that NT’s will find unfavorable, and it’s not that we choose to act this way, it’s just our natural tendency.

It’s also hypocritical to tell autistics to change themselves meanwhile our NT peers are fine with acting however they like. That’s my parents in a nutshell. You can’t expect us to change when we don’t feel the need to. At many times, our personal change is unnecessary, because that’s not how we work. You shouldn’t tell us to be grateful if we have a personal problem, they need to be taken seriously.

 

[Neri]

this is not the same for my own experience. Because as my parents are neurotypical, they’ll expect me to be grateful for the things they do for me meanwhile they are fine with acting entitled. And being taught to act a certain way and that I have to change while they can still act however they like absolutely pisses me off.

One simply did not CHOOSE to be autistic so it is impossible to change that. We come with traits that NT’s will find unfavorable, and it’s not that we choose to act this way, it’s just our natural tendency.

It’s also hypocritical to tell autistics to change themselves meanwhile our NT peers are fine with acting however they like. That’s my parents in a nutshell. You can’t expect us to change when we don’t feel the need to. At many times, our personal change is unnecessary, because that’s not how we work. You shouldn’t tell us to be grateful if we have a personal problem, they need to be taken seriously.

I agree about the being hypocritical. I hate it too. I thought my mum wasn't autistic, because she's very different from me and always told me I'm like my father (who is autistic) but her level of emotional intelligence baffles me. She is amazingly unaware of how she comes across. I hated being shut down, as a kid, and told to be grateful and to not say anything unless it was "nice", while feeling so misunderstood and not cared about. I think being a kid, for autistic people can be so so so awfully awful and non autistic people have no idea how we are experiencing the world and how they are impacting us with the ways they can interact in such pain-inducing ways.

 

[Au Naturel]

The necessity for me is that I want clarification or remedy to what's going to irk me to no end. I fail to understand how it is arrogance just wanting someone to not sound confusing, off kilter or that I prefer them to better sound like they have full knowledge and sense in what they're talking about. I already worry about making mistakes or being mistaken. If someone is barking at me and just spouting falsities or nothing of consistent logic, I'm not just going to blindly believe them and/or fulfill whatever demands they may have. Furthermore, I will not let their wrongs become in any way, shape or form what turn me into being wrong because I just blindly followed their orders like an ignorant lemming. Likewise, if I see or hear of the same person trying to convince or convert others to their non-logic, I'm going to call that out, too. I must strongly contend against your claim that it's arrogant to make efforts preventing any amount of what would be "stupidity" in this world.

Now, per the aspect of someone yelling at me, nonsense or not, no matter their age or authority, they are just promoting their lacking confidence / faith in themselves and/or whatever they believe in. Sensationalism has never once swayed me to think that someone is smarter or better than anyone calmly having a discussion, making the same points (right or wrong).

You do you. They do them.

If they sound confusing, then let them be confused. What they say may seem perfectly logical within their value system and experience. You do not share or understand their value system and experience. (Even if you think you do, you don't.)

If it is important, say, hold on there, I'm confused. Let's take this step by step. And confirm each step. (That's known as the "Socratic method.") If it isn't important, let... it... go. Telling them they are confused will always be interpreted as arrogance.

Somehow, you've gone from correcting people who say something you think is incorrect to blindly following orders and fulfilling demands. That's a big jump.

If someone has the legal authority to order you to do something, you may calmly say, I don't think that will work out well, and here is why. That turns it into a cooperative venture and not a confrontation. Negotiation may be possible. If they pull rank (Shut up and do it because I said so.), there may be a higher authority to appeal to. (Orders to do something illegal are invalid.) If not, either do it or accept the consequences. Complaining only worsens your situation and adds unneeded stress. Complaints are ineffective against order-givers and only serve to anger them.

By "authority," I mean a legally recognizable ability to bring negative consequences if you don't comply. This includes parents, teachers, employers, military commanders, law enforcement, and others. A teacher may be limited to getting you expelled, while a police officer may arrest you, beat you, or kill you. Think carefully about the potential cost/benefit ratio before outright refusing to comply.

If they lack authority and it is something you won't do as a favor, then just say (as nicely as possible) Nope. Not going to do it. And walk away. Only explain "why" if they were nice about the request and asked. They may be open to negotiation. Otherwise, I don't want to, is all the justification you need.

There are benefits to a calm, nonconfrontational discussion. There are only negatives to an argument. You don't have to respond in kind if they decide to argue.

 

[Dagan]

You keep adding into what I'm saying...thoughts and assumptions that aren't there or shouldn't be reached. It's going way off the rails with me addressing whatever else you keep adding. Let's try this one more time. I'm going back to my initial point.

If anyone is confusing, contradictory or telling me nonsense, while also rather making demands of me...I'm going to tell them. I don't do it out of arrogance. I don't do it for an argument. I don't do it for confrontation. It's not me complaining. I simply point it out in hopes that they will clarify or make better sense of what they are talking about. I will not have walked away already because I have the thought that they made mistakes in what they were saying, possibly. I just want to fully understand where this person is coming from (more so, if they are yelling at me). If, after once again telling me what they mean, clearer hopefully, and it still falls under "stupidity," then yes, I'm out. I will nope the situation and walk away. It's the mature thing to do. It's the "covers all bases," intelligent thing to do.