Have you ever been madly in love?

[Slithytoves]

Thank you for expanding on that idea. That is truly an essential distinction that needs to be made if you want something more than a companionable relationship. I wish I had done that sooner in life, but I'm always a bit slow on developing, while wanting so much to experience the deeper experiences in life.

That harmonic relationship I think is the key. In my case, it was something that couldn't progress beyond close friendship (with a couple very intense physical interactions, not sex). I'm sure it would have had it's share of chaos and fire, but it seems that it would be the best for the deepest exploration of each other. Not to say that other forms wouldn't lead to deeper understanding and deeper love, just that it seems to me to transcend the practical and erotic forms.

I feel your pain with the slow development. I labored under the delusion that intense Eros was a necessary prelude to long-term love for many years, fueled by the arts and entertainment that we're raised on. I assumed that if the passion of early romance was strong enough, Eros would spontaneously transmutate into a more sustainable form. I'd bet this is a common error. It wasn't until I'd made a choice to give up on relationships altogether that I stepped back and made an academic exercise of understanding what love is about. Before then, unfortunately, I misunderstood studying the nature of love as being akin to overthinking it, which popular wisdom advises us not to do in relationships. So much for popular wisdom!

I agree that the harmonic relationship is key. It's a lot harder to describe, and nothing like it appears in classifications of love modi operandi by the likes of psychologist John Lee, from whom I borrowed the terms and definitions of Eros and Pragma. If you can forgive my getting a little New Agey, the intellectual and emotional vibration you describe seems to happen at either a very high or very low psychic frequency that can be hard for us to read. That's how I see it, anyway. But that may be why it can be so haunting. I don't think it's meant to be understood; just felt. The challenge is to tune into it but not interfere in any way. I think it takes some courage and great trust between partners to do that. Not every couple is capable of that level of intimacy, or that level of restraint. I also don't think that element is enough for a real-world relationship to survive on, just by itself.

My favorite quote about love comes from poet Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” This, to me anyway, signifies a need for pragmatic love as underlying support for that harmonic vibration, which is all about facing inward. Just my own thoughts on the subject. It's a fun topic to explore.

 

[Slithytoves]

I do love in my own way. "Madly in love" - no. Obsessed - yes. even though sometimes I wonder if I was obsessed with a particular situations rather than with people... yes, I think that would be more accurate.

I've definitely experienced that. Some relationships only work well in a certain context.

(I can feel Harrison panicking as he reads that. We currently live an ocean apart, but that's about to change.)

 

[garnetflower13]

PS: I have always despised Valentine's Day, even when I had a partner who made a big deal of it. I don't like being told by the calendar when I'm supposed to celebrate my partnership (that goes for anniversaries, too). It all seems so pathetically contrived, commercialized, and competitive to me, which isn't at all what love is supposed to be about.

Oh, I agree! I really hate it for the same reasons that you site here. Although I do love chocolate...

As for love, I really fell in love for the first time nearly five years ago. I had crushes, obsessions, fantasies and two awful relationships before that. I never thought that I would find someone that was like me and was able to accept me with all my flaws and weirdness. He is mildly Aspie too, so that helps. I hope your venture into love will yield rich rewards, Guendolen!

 

[Guendolen]

I hope your venture into love will yield rich rewards, Guendolen!

Thank you so much, i hope the same because i am walking disaster so far.

 

[royinpink]

Yes, with someone I now suspect was another aspie or at least had a lot of the same traits. It was painful. It started out well, we just kind of worked together. We both underachieved given our 'potential' from high school/university. People teased us about already sounding like an old married couple, or saying he followed me around everywhere, etc. But he was still hung up on his ex, and after the first time he shut me out, about a year into the 'relationship' (despite wanting to be exclusive, he didn't want to be 'boyfriend/girlfriend' for reasons I won't go into), I started feeling insecure. I would get obsessive and intense, and it would make him push me farther away.

Recently after mostly shutting me out for two years (we only met up a few times, maybe once or twice a year, and did not discuss anything emotional), he reappeared to apologize, saying things just got 'too intense' and propositioning me. I was floored, not least because I did my best to give up and move on (I don't let go of anything easily, and love is no exception). I know he cares, though, even if he can't say it. Being with him, that was probably the last time I was really happy. I remember lying next to him (NOT holding him because he wouldn't let me ) and not being able to sleep because it was like I was full of...awe? butterflies? I don't know how to describe it.

Anyway. Are we allowed to post songs to describe feelings? Because short of writing a novel detailing everything that happened, I think that is the best way for me to explain. This song would do well for me trying to move on, but the video also captures a sense of the obsessiveness and difficulty confronting emotions/one another. It does seem angsty teenager-y (and a bit creepy?), but I don't really think I'm more emotionally mature than that.