Haven't had sex with my husband in ten months and I am freaking out

[Au Naturel]

Thank you, @Au Naturel, for your thoughts. It is possible he just isn't interested - although he claims he still is. Although that could be a lie (he has issues with lying, too). I'll mention the DHEA thing - maybe that will help.

Wet things...that's interesting because whenever I wash my hands, and if I don't dry them enough, he gets weirded out. You might be onto something there. And bodily functions being yucky....I do wonder about that too.

I have thought about seeing a therapist. I am concerned that he won't talk to him or her. I guess it's worth a shot though.

Mutual masturbation....he won't let me do that. I've offered a zillion times. He won't masturbate me but once in a blue moon and even that's an act of God. I am grateful when he does, honest, but it's very rare.

Hmmm... Have you tried each masturbating themselves while you are physically close?

If even social masturbation isn't in the books, there isn't much choice but therapy. Ideally with someone with autism experience.

 

[paloftoon]

Therapy is a great idea. There needs to be honesty about this. Not social anxiety. If therapy doesn't help, it is worth considering other options But, part of being in a relationship is going through the changes together. People aren't going to have their looks forever. It is about being okay with the changes together and the initial attraction.

 

[Suzanne]

he'd totally want sex if I did, but uh...nope. It hasn't happened

Funnily enough, that has been me too. I have wanted it, but when the time comes to actually performing, I have turned away and can only put that down to having been molested as a child. Male birth parent never did something that could cause pregnancy, if you know what I mean? But did do other things.

 

[sport]

I'am sorry about your problem a couple yrs ago mine popped up.I have autism plus dd mine then my incontinence went south and I shut down we are both older but still love her.

 

[Purple_Bug]

How are you discussing this with your husband? I would write it all out in an email/written note for him to read and process in his own time.

if you feel that you have a need and it’s making you unhappy to not have it met in your life then use those words! Saying ‘x y z could make this more pleasurable for me would you try it please’ doesn’t speak your motive clearly. And you say you were trying not to hurt his feelings so that too implies you avoided saying it directly. For me personally I would need blunt words. My partner has actually said similar to me- that I neglect his needs in the bedroom- and I guess I could have worked it out myself but until he said it I hadn’t fully realised how he was actually feeling about it.

if it’s sensory stuff you may just have to accept some things can’t happen but you should ask him to tell your clearly why he is avoiding it because you want to work on solutions that work for you both. But you need to get him to communicate with you about it and for me personally I’d want that conversation via email so I have a chance to think between replies and can search it back later and refer back to how my partner was describing how they felt etc.

ideas to put to him:
- if it’s the sensation of touching you that he dislikes could he touch you with something other than his hands. Feathers toys etc?
-could some of the forplay move away from physical. So texting each other in the day leading up to it. (He may like some hints of the sort of things to say)
- ask him if there is anything he’s been wanting but not asking for. Suggest giving it a go and voicing your inexperience in it (if that’s the case) make him feel it’s ok to say “yeah I don’t have a clue what I’m doing here”


Another really important thing to consider is does he feel loved in other areas. Look up love languages and speak to him about that stuff not just the sex stuff. For me personally I rarely like sex and have to keep in mind my partner does and I need to make an effort there. But if my partner hasn’t been great with the things that make me feel loved I can’t bring myself to do that for him. It’s a very childish attitude in me sometimes. You don’t make an effort so why should I. Sex is a massive effort. Lots of touch, smell, sound, a need to concentrate and manage my reactions etc etc. You don’t put that effort in if you are feeling a bit neglected elsewhere

 

[Alexej]

Welcome @Purple_Bug

Glad to have you with us, and well done for jumping right in

 

[aries_wife]

Maybe a sex therapist, specifically, as they are trained to be able to work usefully with sexual issues, whereas many ordinary counsellors aren't. Be good if you could find one who also understands a bit about autism. Needle in a haystack maybe, but that would be ideal.

Thank you for the suggestion. That is most likely what I will need to do.

From The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome pages 320-321.

Thank you. This is very interesting. I'll have to get a copy.

 

[aries_wife]

How are you discussing this with your husband? I would write it all out in an email/written note for him to read and process in his own time.

if you feel that you have a need and it’s making you unhappy to not have it met in your life then use those words! Saying ‘x y z could make this more pleasurable for me would you try it please’ doesn’t speak your motive clearly. And you say you were trying not to hurt his feelings so that too implies you avoided saying it directly. For me personally I would need blunt words. My partner has actually said similar to me- that I neglect his needs in the bedroom- and I guess I could have worked it out myself but until he said it I hadn’t fully realised how he was actually feeling about it.

if it’s sensory stuff you may just have to accept some things can’t happen but you should ask him to tell your clearly why he is avoiding it because you want to work on solutions that work for you both. But you need to get him to communicate with you about it and for me personally I’d want that conversation via email so I have a chance to think between replies and can search it back later and refer back to how my partner was describing how they felt etc.

ideas to put to him:
- if it’s the sensation of touching you that he dislikes could he touch you with something other than his hands. Feathers toys etc?
-could some of the forplay move away from physical. So texting each other in the day leading up to it. (He may like some hints of the sort of things to say)
- ask him if there is anything he’s been wanting but not asking for. Suggest giving it a go and voicing your inexperience in it (if that’s the case) make him feel it’s ok to say “yeah I don’t have a clue what I’m doing here”


Another really important thing to consider is does he feel loved in other areas. Look up love languages and speak to him about that stuff not just the sex stuff. For me personally I rarely like sex and have to keep in mind my partner does and I need to make an effort there. But if my partner hasn’t been great with the things that make me feel loved I can’t bring myself to do that for him. It’s a very childish attitude in me sometimes. You don’t make an effort so why should I. Sex is a massive effort. Lots of touch, smell, sound, a need to concentrate and manage my reactions etc etc. You don’t put that effort in if you are feeling a bit neglected elsewhere

These are great suggestions and things for me to think about. I am a writer, so maybe an email would work better for communication. Must think about that some more. Thank you.

We have discussed bringing a vibrator into the mix, but he nixed it. I think he feels inadequate if I use a sex toy instead of him, so to speak. Even if he's not doing the job.

 

[aries_wife]

Hmmm... Have you tried each masturbating themselves while you are physically close?

If even social masturbation isn't in the books, there isn't much choice but therapy. Ideally with someone with autism experience.

He won't let me see him masturbate. It's too private, he says.

 

[aries_wife]

Therapy is a great idea. There needs to be honesty about this. Not social anxiety. If therapy doesn't help, it is worth considering other options But, part of being in a relationship is going through the changes together. People aren't going to have their looks forever. It is about being okay with the changes together and the initial attraction.

I totally agree. It's definitely worth a shot.

 

[aries_wife]

I'am sorry about your problem a couple yrs ago mine popped up.I have autism plus dd mine then my incontinence went south and I shut down we are both older but still love her.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how that might happen. That's what my husband keeps telling me...that he still loves me...and I don't doubt that one bit...but I need that intimacy...some kind of intimacy. I'm lonely.

Does your wife feel lonely at all? If you don't mind answering?

 

[aries_wife]

Funnily enough, that has been me too. I have wanted it, but when the time comes to actually performing, I have turned away and can only put that down to having been molested as a child. Male birth parent never did something that could cause pregnancy, if you know what I mean? But did do other things.

I totally get that. I'm so sorry that happened. And I'm sure that would make things tough to do as an adult now. My husband claims he wants it. This is why it's so confusing. But I am starting to wonder if the whole sex abuse thing might be true. It makes sense in a lot of ways.

 

[SDRSpark]

It sounds like your husband may be asexual, or sex repulsed.

If that is the case, rest assured, sex is the issue, not you. It's got nothing at all to do with you - he just either isn't interested in, or is repulsed by, sex. Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction (to varying degrees - it's a spectrum) and sex repulsed people may or may not be asexual, but in any case, think sex itself is icky.

Unfortunately, due to lack of awareness in general, both of these groups of people tend to be completely unaware that there isn't something horribly wrong with them - it's actually normal and natural to not want sex, but with our society being the way it is a lot of people actually don't know that. It's amazing (and also, really sad) how many asexual people spend years trying to fix something they think is broken before finally learning that there's actually nothing wrong, there are a lot of people out there like them, and a name for it.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

*waves hello*

I'm new here. I wanted to get some advice. My hubby is most likely on the spectrum. He's never been formally diagnosed, but he has all of the symptoms. When we first started dating fourteen years ago, I noticed that something was different about him, but did not know what. I have a friend who's an aspie, and I noticed that a lot of behaviors matched hers. I fell down a rabbit hole of research and realized that he's probably an aspie, too. (And myself, to a lesser degree, but that's another post).

Hubby and I have been fairly regularly sexually active up until ten months ago, when he started making excuses. After awhile, it became very clear that he just didn't want to have sex, but just wasn't going to tell me. This coincided with when I began asking for foreplay.

You see, he doesn't give any. AT ALL. His idea is to kiss for a few minutes and get right down to it. As you probably know...that just doesn't work. It's been like that since the beginning. As for why I never said anything till now? Two reasons. One, I was struggling with how to do it without hurting his feelings, and two, I had just come out of an abusive marriage and was so traumatized that I literally couldn't. I didn't trust yet that I wouldn't get hurt again for asking for something I needed. I knew in my heart that he wouldn't hurt me, but trauma was screwing with me bigtime. So I let it go.

I was very nice and very careful about it when I asked. I put it into terms of him helping me have a more pleasurable experience rather than he's not doing something. I asked nicely, and I gave him a few suggestions of things to try, things I like. Easy things. I didn't push, and I went slow. Very slow.

He'd tell me he'd try, he was good with it, and then....nothing. He'd make another excuse for sex.

So then I asked him if he was cheating, if I was unattractive, if something about me repulsed him....I'd gained a lot of weight in the past ten years and I wondered if maybe he thought I was too overweight and not attractive. He denied all of it. Told me I was still beautiful and he wasn't cheating. For the record - I don't think he's capable of cheating. He is so devoted to me, in every other way.

I started thinking and realized that he would never touch my nether regions. Never. Ever. Not even a brush of his hand. And I asked him about it....if he was afraid of it....or he was repulsed...if he didn't like it....or something....he made a comment about "not liking the secretions" but otherwise it was okay. But still, would not touch it. Even when I suggested a few very simple very easy things to try to acclimate him to that area.

I should probably mention that he waited till marriage to have sex with his first wife (he was in his 30s) and she was supposedly a virgin too, so neither of them knew anything. So he's very inexperienced. No one apparently clued him into anything. However - I've been trying to educate him. It really doesn't appear to be helping.

So here we are, ten months with no sex, he's still saying he wants to, he still loves me, but is making excuses. I can't tell you how horribly frustrating this is. I feel lonely and rejected. I know he's not actually rejecting me, but I have self-esteem issues and it still hurts. I crave this intimacy and I miss it so much. I am terrified that we'll never have sex again. However, I would very much like to have better sex - a step up from what we were having before. As I told him, I don't need the fireworks show and complete bliss - just a little something more. For him to try to help me enjoy it more.

I've had so many meltdowns over this. I refuse to cheat. But I also don't want to be in a sexless marriage. He's a wonderful husband otherwise and we are good together. So divorce is out. I just don't know what to do.

And he won't talk to me about it, either. He always deflects or changes the subject.

I've read that aspies have issues with touch. I did notice that touching him on his nether regions is actually too much for him. I can barely do that before he takes my hand away. And I wonder if he has issues with how a woman's nether regions feel, maybe? Or maybe that sex feels dirty? He is Catholic. And he was raised by a narcissistic, controlling mother who treats him like a 5-year-old (he's 52).

Speaking of his age, I've asked him to see the doctor about his testosterone levels, b/c I know that can affect libido. He wouldn't make the appointment. Kept procrastinating.

Also, he's had issues with erectile dysfunction as well since I've known him. Usually we can make it work, but once in a great while we'll have to stop b/c he can't keep an erection. I do not make a big deal of it when it happens b/c I do not want to make him feel bad or get anxious about it happening again. In fact, i used to ignore it and continue on like it wasn't happening. When I could. I honestly don't know if that really has anything to do with this. It's not something that happens all the time.

Sorry for the novel, lol. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

I am a hypersexual aspie who is married to an asexual aspie. I have not had sex in 10 years!

I can understand your pain around this for sure! How I deal with it... I focus on my own needs. Pressure is the last thing anyone needs. There is a point where you need to ask yourself... is sex THAT important to me?

I totally feel unattractive at times. My wife finds me very handsome but she does not have desire. Luckily I guess I am attractive to women because I do get plenty of female attention (much to my wife's chagrin) so that helps.

We cannot change people, we cannot fix them for our needs. It seems that your husband is capable of desire... so focus on self care and reduce the pressure on him. I know you don't pressure him intentionally but energetically, he feels it. The more you focus on your own self and learn to meet your needs... the more likely he will open up and be more sexual with you.

Also... he may be, as Sdspark said, asexual or sex repulsed and was just trying to please you. Asexual people often feel they must provide sex for their partners in order to keep them happy. It took me almost 5 years to convince my wife that her sexuality was totally normal and that I don't want sex with her if she doesn't want it with me.

You may ask yourself "Why is this hypersexual guy with an asexual woman?". That is because she loves me with a true heart. That is rare in this world! Sex is nothing next to being truly cared for. I totally miss interpersonal sex... it is very challenging for me. But that is not her issue.

Also by being hypersexual, I have had my share of people questioning my natural sexuality. I would not wish that on anyone!

I wish this world was not so freaking hung up on sex!

 

[Au Naturel]

He won't let me see him masturbate. It's too private, he says.

Then it isn't your problem. You can't fix it. Essentially he has said that all forms of sexual expression are off-limits. Hubby is seriously tweaked about sexuality in general. Will he even admit he has a problem? A marriage counselor or even sex therapy are clearly in order but I am not optimistic. There are many problems in life where you either accept them and live with them or you move on.

 

[Au Naturel]

I wish this world was not so freaking hung up on sex!

Kind of has to be that way. The ones who weren't preoccupied with it didn't leave as many offspring. Mostly hard-wired and there is little voluntary choice in it.

"I won't have sex with you but though you desire sex you cannot have sex with anyone else" is profoundly unfair. It is an emotional crippler. IMHO a complete fail for a long-term romantic relationship. All long term relationships must have symmetry of expectations or you end up with a winner and a loser.

There are relationships that can involve strong love without any sex or romance (parents, siblings, best buddies, et al) but they don't preclude a sexual relationship with a third party.