Having a relationship with someone with Asperger's

[Anneb68]

If he's stressed about something else, back off and wait until whatever it is blows over.

Timing can be everything if you really want to communicate positively with him. It's not fair, and quite often anything but equitable. But there you have it.

Fair enough! I get it. Thanks.

 

[Sozdatelniza]

I'd agree with @xudo, I'm aspie and understand the concept of being a nice girlfriend perfectly well, and have exercised it many times, and I have been a nice wife for 20 years.

I don't think being mean or mistreating people has anything to do with aspergers, it's a choice in all cases. I am capable of being mean, I have also been known not to notice people's feelings, but I know how to be a caring and considerate partner and choose to follow that path.

Oh, it seems I didn't word correctly.
I wanted to say aspies and autists often get difficulties being in romantic relationship because of minimal empathy.
It's true that autistic people are often loyal because they never mean to hurt someone. Even if they do it it happens due to social awkwardness.

 

[Anneb68]

Oh, it seems I didn't word correctly.
I wanted to say aspies and autists often get difficulties being in romantic relationship because of minimal empathy.
It's true that autistic people are often loyal because they never mean to hurt someone. Even if they do it it happens due to social awkwardness.

Good point and an important one for us to understand. Thank you.

 

[Judge]

I think it's important that emphasize that it isn't always any uniform case of those having a perceived lack of empathy just because they're on the spectrum of autism.

That in many cases it may be more a matter of not being able to project the empathy we have in a meaningful way that Neurotypicals can so readily understand.

That indeed many of us have empathy, but we just don't project or display it easily. Yet another example of reflecting our traits and behaviors on a spectrum, as opposed to any sense of uniformity or consistency.

 

[Dwoops]

First let me say I have never been in a relationship, so take what I say with a grain of salt. (It’s not that I’m opposed to being in a relationship, I just don’t know how to meet people/start one)
As a (most-likely) aspie, I find one of my biggest difficulties with people that I like to be with is indeed communication. This has already been established, but there is more to it for me than explaining what I am feeling. To me it is really important why I do things. There are many instances where I do something that is perceived as awkward or offputting but I don’t mean it that way. I always wish I could explain why I do things, but there is not good way to do that. I’d suggest maybe ask why he decides to do something, what his thought processes were. This could potentially clear up communication and give you a better understanding of what he is thinking when he does stuff.
I don’t know if this applies with your scenario, but I do know that for me it is often a measure of certain things not occurring to me. For example, I get done with my classes and head back yo my dorm room, I then do almost nothing for the rest of the day because it doesn’t occur to me to ask others if they want to do something or whatnot. And if I do, usually I don’t think of it until like 10 at night when it is too late to do anything.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[kay]

I'm the ASD in my relationship and I can't see that we have anymore trouble than any other couple. We deal with a different set of issues, but not more issues. Most people don't keep a weighted blanket at the foot of the bed, most NTs don't find themselves reminding their SO to not forget earplugs, but otherwise not much out of the range of ordinary.

He has his quirks and I have mine and we like those differences about each other. He needs alone time to read and I need Epsom salt baths. I need soup and he prefers sherbet after a stressful day. I need a weighted blanket and white noise, he needs to watch golf. The hardest thing is that he can stay out and about socializing longer than me and doesn't tire as quick in general.

The reason though we are ok together is because we both just say what we need to say and we share a general personality type. That matters so much more than anything else. If he wasn't as extremely curious minded, liberal, kind, willing to doubt himself (a certain amount of self doubt is good, I nurture that quality in myself),shared my taste in architecture, a bit messy, sometimes obsessive about a topic of interest, and loves to eat the same food all week, I doubt very much we would be together.

ASD is kinda like being left handed, or sighted or blind, or short and stout, or tall and lanky, or missing a leg, or any other difference. ASD is not a personality. ASD is not a set of values. ASD is not political leaning. ASD is not a style. So having a relationship isn't about ASD or NT, it's about having that something else. That connection. That familiarity.

It's not an exclusive thing only NT/NT couples get. It's not something an ASD couple could never have. And us ASDs can be just as caring as anyone and NTs just as cold and mean as anyone.

Sometimes people who might expect me to show that I care in a very typical and conformist way might not agree that I am all that caring. My husband though understands and appreciates things that are different and so likes the way I do stuff. He knows it's not just me acting how I am suppose to, I am sincere. Which is also why I like him. He buys me books instead of those stupid diamond solitaires that are advertised all the time around Valentines day. Oh if he bought me a diamond I would be so disappointed.

Sorry if I got a bit mushy but I jut don't take for granted how accepting and appreciative my husband is of me.

Anyhoo, my point is ASD is just a difference in the way a brain is wired, not always a big deal, so don't worry about it. Ignore all the bad crap on the internet and focus on you and this individual as individuals. Because despite my use and everyone else's use of ASD, and NT none of us are simply those things. We are all complex, different, and can't be summed up so simply.

 

[xudo]

What do you mean?

Literally exactly what I said. Not every single person on the spectrum doesn't understand how to be nice when in a relationship. I've been in a relationship for 12 years, married for nearly 7 and we're both on the spectrum. Both of us understand how to be nice/a good partner to the other.

Essentially, I'm saying that your blanket statement about everyone on the spectrum was incorrect.

 

[Anneb68]

First let me say I have never been in a relationship, so take what I say with a grain of salt. (It’s not that I’m opposed to being in a relationship, I just don’t know how to meet people/start one)
As a (most-likely) aspie, I find one of my biggest difficulties with people that I like to be with is indeed communication. This has already been established, but there is more to it for me than explaining what I am feeling. To me it is really important why I do things. There are many instances where I do something that is perceived as awkward or offputting but I don’t mean it that way. I always wish I could explain why I do things, but there is not good way to do that. I’d suggest maybe ask why he decides to do something, what his thought processes were. This could potentially clear up communication and give you a better understanding of what he is thinking when he does stuff.
I don’t know if this applies with your scenario, but I do know that for me it is often a measure of certain things not occurring to me. For example, I get done with my classes and head back yo my dorm room, I then do almost nothing for the rest of the day because it doesn’t occur to me to ask others if they want to do something or whatnot. And if I do, usually I don’t think of it until like 10 at night when it is too late to do anything.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you!

 

[Anneb68]

I'm the ASD in my relationship and I can't see that we have anymore trouble than any other couple. We deal with a different set of issues, but not more issues. Most people don't keep a weighted blanket at the foot of the bed, most NTs don't find themselves reminding their SO to not forget earplugs, but otherwise not much out of the range of ordinary.

He has his quirks and I have mine and we like those differences about each other. He needs alone time to read and I need Epsom salt baths. I need soup and he prefers sherbet after a stressful day. I need a weighted blanket and white noise, he needs to watch golf. The hardest thing is that he can stay out and about socializing longer than me and doesn't tire as quick in general.

The reason though we are ok together is because we both just say what we need to say and we share a general personality type. That matters so much more than anything else. If he wasn't as extremely curious minded, liberal, kind, willing to doubt himself (a certain amount of self doubt is good, I nurture that quality in myself),shared my taste in architecture, a bit messy, sometimes obsessive about a topic of interest, and loves to eat the same food all week, I doubt very much we would be together.

ASD is kinda like being left handed, or sighted or blind, or short and stout, or tall and lanky, or missing a leg, or any other difference. ASD is not a personality. ASD is not a set of values. ASD is not political leaning. ASD is not a style. So having a relationship isn't about ASD or NT, it's about having that something else. That connection. That familiarity.

It's not an exclusive thing only NT/NT couples get. It's not something an ASD couple could never have. And us ASDs can be just as caring as anyone and NTs just as cold and mean as anyone.

Sometimes people who might expect me to show that I care in a very typical and conformist way might not agree that I am all that caring. My husband though understands and appreciates things that are different and so likes the way I do stuff. He knows it's not just me acting how I am suppose to, I am sincere. Which is also why I like him. He buys me books instead of those stupid diamond solitaires that are advertised all the time around Valentines day. Oh if he bought me a diamond I would be so disappointed.

Sorry if I got a bit mushy but I jut don't take for granted how accepting and appreciative my husband is of me.

Anyhoo, my point is ASD is just a difference in the way a brain is wired, not always a big deal, so don't worry about it. Ignore all the bad crap on the internet and focus on you and this individual as individuals. Because despite my use and everyone else's use of ASD, and NT none of us are simply those things. We are all complex, different, and can't be summed up so simply.

Thank you for sharing this. If it is a personality thing, then I wouldn't chose to see him because I'd find it too hard and too upsetting. I guess I need to clarify this with myself...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'm the ASD in my relationship and I can't see that we have anymore trouble than any other couple. We deal with a different set of issues, but not more issues. Most people don't keep a weighted blanket at the foot of the bed, most NTs don't find themselves reminding their SO to not forget earplugs, but otherwise not much out of the range of ordinary.

He has his quirks and I have mine and we like those differences about each other. He needs alone time to read and I need Epsom salt baths. I need soup and he prefers sherbet after a stressful day. I need a weighted blanket and white noise, he needs to watch golf. The hardest thing is that he can stay out and about socializing longer than me and doesn't tire as quick in general.

The reason though we are ok together is because we both just say what we need to say and we share a general personality type. That matters so much more than anything else. If he wasn't as extremely curious minded, liberal, kind, willing to doubt himself (a certain amount of self doubt is good, I nurture that quality in myself),shared my taste in architecture, a bit messy, sometimes obsessive about a topic of interest, and loves to eat the same food all week, I doubt very much we would be together.

ASD is kinda like being left handed, or sighted or blind, or short and stout, or tall and lanky, or missing a leg, or any other difference. ASD is not a personality. ASD is not a set of values. ASD is not political leaning. ASD is not a style. So having a relationship isn't about ASD or NT, it's about having that something else. That connection. That familiarity.

It's not an exclusive thing only NT/NT couples get. It's not something an ASD couple could never have. And us ASDs can be just as caring as anyone and NTs just as cold and mean as anyone.

Sometimes people who might expect me to show that I care in a very typical and conformist way might not agree that I am all that caring. My husband though understands and appreciates things that are different and so likes the way I do stuff. He knows it's not just me acting how I am suppose to, I am sincere. Which is also why I like him. He buys me books instead of those stupid diamond solitaires that are advertised all the time around Valentines day. Oh if he bought me a diamond I would be so disappointed.

Sorry if I got a bit mushy but I jut don't take for granted how accepting and appreciative my husband is of me.

Anyhoo, my point is ASD is just a difference in the way a brain is wired, not always a big deal, so don't worry about it. Ignore all the bad crap on the internet and focus on you and this individual as individuals. Because despite my use and everyone else's use of ASD, and NT none of us are simply those things. We are all complex, different, and can't be summed up so simply.

Have you got a temperature?
Not one mention of socks.

 

[kay]

Have you got a temperature?
Not one mention of socks.

Well, I guess I failed to mention he purchased me a pair of green socks with hot pink polka dots for our first Christmas together. And another Christmas he bought me navy blue argyles.

 

[ksheehan88]

Don't have any experience with romantic relationships but I can put my 20 ct about my friendships with aspies.

I talk a lot with my net friend who has also Aspergers'. He had one girlfriend with Aspergers' once and it was terrible experience for him because she didn't treat him well.
Thus, he became more sceptic about romantic relationships. He doesn't like to talk about it because he starts to feel bad in that case.

I am also sceptical about romantic relationships because people let decept themselves. I witnessed multitudinous amount of situations where nice romance turned into horrible family routine.
Anyhoo, autists and aspies don't really understand the concept about being a nice boyfriend/girlfriend.
The non-autistic partner should support them in that case and not to require something that usually is expected from other non-autists.

Non-autistic people aren't able to understand autists as well as others. Thus, I recommend you to ask him about his feelings. Nevertheless, he may not be able to describe what he's feeling right now. Try to be as loyal to him as possible. Research about autistic specificities and keep them in mind.

I have to disagree with you here.

I understand the concept of being a nice girlfriend. I know what is expected of a good partner, and so do many other aspies. We might be a little under or overwhelming for our partners, but that doesn't mean we don't know how to treat our partners decently.

 

[ksheehan88]

For many years (our entire relationship) I failed to see what this was about. I reacted as if he was like everyone else, which stressed him out and made him feel pressure, which made me react with anger, which made him feel even more pressure, etc...
So, you are right about communicating through common interests. This was good then and can still be.
My concern is about the other stuff and how able I am to cope with what feels like rejection.
If I hadn't been told about his possible (likely) Asperger's I wouldn't have wanted to see him again. Now, it is different and I don't want to let him down, but at the same time it's got to be bearable for both of us.

Based on what you say here, I would say do not pursue this relationship. You now want to pursue a man who you would have not thought twice about had you not discovered he may be autistic.

Knowing that doesn't mean things will be different or that because you know the cause you can change it. You can't. He will be this way til the end of his days, give or take little bits and bobs he picks up by himself.

 

[Anneb68]

Based on what you say here, I would say do not pursue this relationship. You now want to pursue a man who you would have not thought twice about had you not discovered he may be autistic.

Knowing that doesn't mean things will be different or that because you know the cause you can change it. You can't. He will be this way til the end of his days, give or take little bits and bobs he picks up by himself.

I have been thinking this exactly, but also wondering whether I could just take him as he is and work on accepting it. Understanding the why doesn't get things to change but it does help considerably. I know he won't change but perhaps I can manage without being upset or feeling excluded because I understand that it is not the unkindness I thought it was. I don't know if I can deal with this just because I have an explanation for it. To be honest, if I had no feelings for him, I would walk away for my own sake.

That is my question really: I'd like to know if other people have been through the same process...

 

[Bolletje]

Anyhoo, autists and aspies don't really understand the concept about being a nice boyfriend/girlfriend.

I wanted to say aspies and autists often get difficulties being in romantic relationship because of minimal empathy.

Jumping in here to disagree with these statements too. I’m nice to my boyfriend. I’m kind, I’m caring, and I do possess empathy. I can do romance.
It’s a misconception that people on the spectrum automatically lack empathy.

 

[Anneb68]

Jumping in here to disagree with these statements too. I’m nice to my boyfriend. I’m kind, I’m caring, and I do possess empathy. I can do romance.
It’s a misconception that people on the spectrum automatically lack empathy.

It may be more a case of not being able to cope with other people's pain. I get that.

 

[Bolletje]

It may be more a case of not being able to cope with other people's pain. I get that.

Some people do struggle with that, but I don’t see that as a typical Aspie problem.

 

[ladybug]

I'm the ASD in my relationship and I can't see that we have anymore trouble than any other couple. We deal with a different set of issues, but not more issues. Most people don't keep a weighted blanket at the foot of the bed, most NTs don't find themselves reminding their SO to not forget earplugs, but otherwise not much out of the range of ordinary.

He has his quirks and I have mine and we like those differences about each other. He needs alone time to read and I need Epsom salt baths. I need soup and he prefers sherbet after a stressful day. I need a weighted blanket and white noise, he needs to watch golf. The hardest thing is that he can stay out and about socializing longer than me and doesn't tire as quick in general.

The reason though we are ok together is because we both just say what we need to say and we share a general personality type. That matters so much more than anything else. If he wasn't as extremely curious minded, liberal, kind, willing to doubt himself (a certain amount of self doubt is good, I nurture that quality in myself),shared my taste in architecture, a bit messy, sometimes obsessive about a topic of interest, and loves to eat the same food all week, I doubt very much we would be together.

ASD is kinda like being left handed, or sighted or blind, or short and stout, or tall and lanky, or missing a leg, or any other difference. ASD is not a personality. ASD is not a set of values. ASD is not political leaning. ASD is not a style. So having a relationship isn't about ASD or NT, it's about having that something else. That connection. That familiarity.

It's not an exclusive thing only NT/NT couples get. It's not something an ASD couple could never have. And us ASDs can be just as caring as anyone and NTs just as cold and mean as anyone.

Sometimes people who might expect me to show that I care in a very typical and conformist way might not agree that I am all that caring. My husband though understands and appreciates things that are different and so likes the way I do stuff. He knows it's not just me acting how I am suppose to, I am sincere. Which is also why I like him. He buys me books instead of those stupid diamond solitaires that are advertised all the time around Valentines day. Oh if he bought me a diamond I would be so disappointed.

Sorry if I got a bit mushy but I jut don't take for granted how accepting and appreciative my husband is of me.

Anyhoo, my point is ASD is just a difference in the way a brain is wired, not always a big deal, so don't worry about it. Ignore all the bad crap on the internet and focus on you and this individual as individuals. Because despite my use and everyone else's use of ASD, and NT none of us are simply those things. We are all complex, different, and can't be summed up so simply.

OMG...!!! Kay....Kay....Kay...!!thats it...!! Everyone should read this..... Go away , do something.... Come back and read it again....!!!
I am NT and my partner Aspie.... We have have had lots of stuff to get through..... But we are nowable to tell each other what we need..... I love being with him... I can be in the same place as him (his place or mine) and we can do our own thing but be together....(took me along time to get it...but I do a sits good now...#thanks judge.. ....
Being with my aspie has made me more independant and I *love* that.... He is more open and willing to try new things.... I don't overload him with social stuff....and make sure there is downtime for him when he needs it.......(he's due back from a trip with his brother 2weeks with lots of other people where they were staying- I'm giving 2-3 days decompression time...) because I now know he will be ok and good after...... That's the way he works..... He calms me for my stressy stuff..... That's the way I work.....
One of the biggest compliments he's ever said (as he's not know. For flowery words etc... " you and I are the same breed..." - and I understand that to many it's not Byron.... But to me who knows this man... And how very reserved he is... I feel like I am in his very very inner core.....
You really need to look at your relationship from a very different angle... It's different at first (2yrs min) but you need to relax and trust.... Being in an aspie relationship is a very different and liberating thing..... Breathe and good luck...!!

 

[Anneb68]

OMG...!!! Kay....Kay....Kay...!!thats it...!! Everyone should read this..... Go away , do something.... Come back and read it again....!!!
I am NT and my partner Aspie.... We have have had lots of stuff to get through..... But we are nowable to tell each other what we need..... I love being with him... I can be in the same place as him (his place or mine) and we can do our own thing but be together....(took me along time to get it...but I do a sits good now...#thanks judge.. ....
Being with my aspie has made me more independant and I *love* that.... He is more open and willing to try new things.... I don't overload him with social stuff....and make sure there is downtime for him when he needs it.......(he's due back from a trip with his brother 2weeks with lots of other people where they were staying- I'm giving 2-3 days decompression time...) because I now know he will be ok and good after...... That's the way he works..... He calms me for my stressy stuff..... That's the way I work.....
One of the biggest compliments he's ever said (as he's not know. For flowery words etc... " you and I are the same breed..." - and I understand that to many it's not Byron.... But to me who knows this man... And how very reserved he is... I feel like I am in his very very inner core.....
You really need to look at your relationship from a very different angle... It's different at first (2yrs min) but you need to relax and trust.... Being in an aspie relationship is a very different and liberating thing..... Breathe and good luck...!!

That is SO helpful and encouraging. This is the way I feel too now. It is shame we are not a couple anymore because I understood all that too late; I had already gone when I understood. I fact I understood BECAUSE iI had gone and took some distance. So that's a good thing. We'll be communicating better. I realised that being open minded, patient and not trying to change people is something one should do anyway. With aspie or non aspie.
The other thing I have been doing for a while now - with everything - is to look for the positive side. And what you say about learning and valuing independence is certainly one positive, something to make the most of. Yes, it's been liberating. Not a banal thing, but a life experience.

 

[Tom]

I do think percieved lack of empathy comes up a lot, but it is often a misunderstanding of autistic behaviors that aren't about empathy. Such as being hyper focused on special interests. Some ASD folks claim to lack it (empathy) to a greater or lesser degree. Although I suspect some of the extreme expressions of such is exaggeration and often expressed by less mature people who haven't really figured themselves out yet. On the other hand quite a few ASD people are the opposite and real empaths.

There is no answer key.