Having to mask trauma or else it's "trauma dumping"

[Neri]

This is something I've recently become aware of and probably a big reason why I've been so socially avoidant these past years. I think I also have to do it here.

This is going to be hard for me if I try to connect with people outside a very small group of peers and support workers. I might have to watch it with support workers too.
And it comes from the amount of serious trauma I've endured throughout my life and my habit of being a very candid human.

It brings up a lot of shame for me when I get the micro or otherwise rejections and judgements when I do share anything particularly traumatic because shame is a big part of trauma and I have the trauma of being an Autistic person, an ADHD person, and then the stuff that gets you a more severe trauma related diagnosis on top of that.

Even writing this out I feel so ashamed and scared because I'm thinking people might perceive that I'm advertising as some kind of winner in a whose-had-more-trauma competition and no, I do not like advertising any kind of victimhood. It's horrible for me and it took me so many years even to admit that I'd been copping an awful lot of abuse and had been from so many different sources. Mostly the multiple sources were one offs and the main ones were primary care relationships and my long term Significant Other.

The damage to one's sense of self is SO HARD to overcome and I've been working on it for a lot of years now.

Now you might ask why would you even worry, why even talk about traumatic stuff in everyday situations? Why not leave it for your therapist?

Well because there's been too much of it well into adulthood and it's still ongoing, albeit indirectly, and now I have to interact with my own offspring who have also been victims of it and witnesses of it and some are still operating in an unconscious but victim-blaming way and no I'm not a covert narcissist, I don't talk to them about it. I can't. I'm discriminated against if I try to address any of the ways in which I am persistently still being victimized.

Thankfully I have a lovely partner, who has been through his own extraordinary and extreme amounts of trauma and abuse, so he gets it. And I have a wonderful therapist, who also is neurodivergent-affirming and a peer as well, when it comes to childhood trauma.
And a lovely support worker who is incredible at being empathetic, kind, positive in her feedback and sympathetic. She is only with me for a few months, going forward, though.

So stuff slips out, because it's been a long life of being Autistic and being treated very, exceedingly poorly and having to try to protect and support my beloved and cherished children from being affected even worse than they already are.

Again, I don't fully know what I want from this thread.
Probably a sense of being de-stigmatized. Probably a sense of not being the only one (which I know I'm not, but being in it for so long the loneliness is almost too much to bare, being alone is so much better than living in abuse, while being surrounded by people) and while I have a great partner, he struggles with so much still, and is burying his head in a game, a lot lately, and not really up for talking so much.

I'm up for supporting others that can relate. This thread is not intended to be all about me. I am trained in mental health peer support and I think I'm half decent at it.

 

[Outdated]

I stumbled on something that really helped me by accident. It won't work for everyone but for some people it could be very helpful.

I was one of the study subjects in a 5 year study in to autism in adults and a lot of things they asked about stirred up a lot of old ghosts. I wasn't able to give simple straight forward answers to questions, I had to explain situations surrounding my responses as well, trying to explain different things about my life but at the same time trying not to look like a whinger.

So some of my responses were small stories several pages long, and writing them ripped my heart out. But the amazing thing was that in writing out these situations in ways that complete strangers would be able to understand them I became better able to understand them and cope with them myself. I exorcised the old ghosts and things became a lot easier to talk about.

Once I had a few of these little stories written down I copied and pasted them all in to one document in chronological order then started adding more and more to it, filling in all the gaps. I ended up with an autobiography. No, it's not for the general public although I did give a copy to the autism crc, but writing it all down really helped me adjust to it all inside my own head.

Added bonus, when I write stories in this forum they're mostly just copied and pasted from the book, saves me a lot of typing when I'm repeating relevant bits of stories.

 

[Neri]

I stumbled on something that really helped me by accident. It won't work for everyone but for some people it could be very helpful.

I was one of the study subjects in a 5 year study in to autism in adults and a lot of things they asked about stirred up a lot of old ghosts. I wasn't able to give simple straight forward answers to questions, I had to explain situations surrounding my responses as well, trying to explain different things about my life but at the same time trying not to look like a whinger.

So some of my responses were small stories several pages long, and writing them ripped my heart out. But the amazing thing was that in writing out these situations in ways that complete strangers would be able to understand them I became better able to understand them and cope with them myself. I exorcised the old ghosts and things became a lot easier to talk about.

Once I had a few of these little stories written down I copied and pasted them all in to one document in chronological order then started adding more and more to it, filling in all the gaps. I ended up with an autobiography. No, it's not for the general public although I did give a copy to the autism crc, but writing it all down really helped me adjust to it all inside my own head.

Added bonus, when I write stories in this forum they're mostly just copied and pasted from the book, saves me a lot of typing when I'm repeating relevant bits of stories.

I did participate in a forum, actually an Australian-run forum that was specifically for people with PTSD. I wrote a very extensive "journal" because that was offered. Pretty much a "trauma blog". I was there for 3 years. Maybe I should go back and copy my stuff for a memoir. People have told me, numerable people, have expressed they think I should write an autobiography because of my "amazing" life. I want to. I just wouldn't publish it until my mum passed as it wouldn't put her in the best light. And maybe if my ex passed and he is nearly two decades older than me so he'll probably go before me.

I think it's very cathartic, and interestingly, it activates different parts of the brain than talk therapy or talking about traumatic stuff that is very reparative as opposed to talk therapy that can activate the peptide loops that keep us feeling victimised and triggered.

I will go down the memoir rabbit hole, for sure, before I go. I had a bit of a heart scare yesterday and the previous night, it got me wondering how much longer I've got here, but, I really want to do a lot of things before I do and I'm good at coming back from death's door, so I think I'll have time to write a memoir and perhaps even publish it hardcopy. Nothing like monetizing trauma to change one's relationship with it! (Joke, I don't think that many people even make money writing these days. Anyway, I'm hopeless at monetizing my artsy skill sets, so I'll not rely on that.)

 

[Misty Avich]

Well this is what these forums are here for I think. There's no harm in talking about bad experiences, trauma, your demons, etc. If people get offended or don't want to read it then they don't have to.

 

[Outdated]

It sounds like some of your life has been similar to my own. I'm tougher to kill than a brown dog.

I want to. I just wouldn't publish it until my mum passed as it wouldn't put her in the best light. And maybe if my ex passed and he is nearly two decades older than me so he'll probably go before me.

That was one of my considerations too and it affected what I wrote. I certainly wasn't terribly flattering of my family but I tried to not put blame on them either, to put things in a balanced light. Doing this also helped me to adjust.

There's also a few stories I didn't put in the book although I have written about them in more recent times, because people were still living.

Well this is what these forums are here for I think. There's no harm in talking about bad experiences, trauma, your demons, etc. If people get offended or don't want to read it then they don't have to.

That's true to some extent, but some of us have not had very easy lives and our stories would cause trauma for a lot of people reading them, that wouldn't be helpful. I have no problem telling these stories to politicians and making them cry though, I'd like to see some changes in my society.

My childhood was pretty rough but when I started working and learning a trade my whole world turned around. I was treated with respect and learnt self respect and pride and I refused to allow myself to be a victim from then on. That doesn't mean bad things no longer happened to me, it just means that they no longer controlled my life like they used to. I became better able to just shrug most things off.

I seem to be losing some of my resilience as I'm getting older though.

 

[Neri]

Well this is what these forums are here for I think. There's no harm in talking about bad experiences, trauma, your demons, etc. If people get offended or don't want to read it then they don't have to.

I appreciate you saying that Misty, I really do.

 

[Misty Avich]

I appreciate you saying that Misty, I really do.

I'm glad.
I do understand that some trauma stories can be triggering for others, but it's hard to please everyone. For some people these forums are all they have and it sometimes can help to pour everything out and share with others. A problem shared is a problem halved. That's what I was taught anyway, and it works for me.

I'm sorry you've been through a lot. It's really hard sometimes. But please don't suffer alone. If it helps to get stuff off your chest here then don't be afraid to do so. Although I understand that feeling of being put off because of bad responses or whatever. I guess that's the risk we all take when discussing things on the internet. But the mods here are lovely and helpful, so if anyone does give you any flack then they'll likely sort it out.

 

[Neri]

It sounds like some of your life has been similar to my own. I'm tougher to kill than a brown dog.


That was one of my considerations too and it affected what I wrote. I certainly wasn't terribly flattering of my family but I tried to not put blame on them either, to put things in a balanced light. Doing this also helped me to adjust.

There's also a few stories I didn't put in the book although I have written about them in more recent times, because people were still living.


That's true to some extent, but some of us have not had very easy lives and our stories would cause trauma for a lot of people reading them, that wouldn't be helpful. I have no problem telling these stories to politicians and making them cry though, I'd like to see some changes in my society.

My childhood was pretty rough but when I started working and learning a trade my whole world turned around. I was treated with respect and learnt self respect and pride and I refused to allow myself to be a victim from then on. That doesn't mean bad things no longer happened to me, it just means that they no longer controlled my life like they used to. I became better able to just shrug most things off.

I seem to be losing some of my resilience as I'm getting older though.

Well it sure is nice to "meet" a fellow Aussie, who's a tough, resilient survivor! It really helps to challenge that sense of being oh-so-over-the-top weird and abnormal. Being an autist is already having that looking-in-from-the-outside-ness, then add in the deluge of other stuff and it's hide and super mask or risk total social exclusion; for me, anyway.
I just don't fit so many molds; obviously, as that's an autist's CV.
I think my daughter is struggling with seeing me as my autistic self for these reasons, as she knows enough about my life and history to get that I have struggled with trauma brain, but doesn't know enough about autism to see me as that. It's an overlappy situation.
Anyway, tangent. I just wanted to express how refreshing it is to get to know you a little @Outdated

 

[Neri]

I'm glad.
I do understand that some trauma stories can be triggering for others, but it's hard to please everyone. For some people these forums are all they have and it sometimes can help to pour everything out and share with others. A problem shared is a problem halved. That's what I was taught anyway, and it works for me.

I'm sorry you've been through a lot. It's really hard sometimes. But please don't suffer alone. If it helps to get stuff off your chest here then don't be afraid to do so. Although I understand that feeling of being put off because of bad responses or whatever. I guess that's the risk we all take when discussing things on the internet. But the mods here are lovely and helpful, so if anyone does give you any flack then they'll likely sort it out.

Yeah. I've already experienced the being rejected and judged here for trauma reasons, so I will be more careful in the future. I'm quite "Rejection Sensitive" in a bit of an extreme way. I'm pretty sure it's a big part of my ADHD profile and it reeeaaaallllly sucks. I'm pretty sure you can relate, given what you've said on here.
I super feelz you when you talk about your pain of rejection that you are going through.

 

[Outdated]

It really helps to challenge that sense of being oh-so-over-the-top weird and abnormal.

I was just so lucky.

My mum was the printer for our local council, back before computers everything had to be done on paper forms and large companies all had their own in-house printers. All government departments too. Mum started working flexi time using us kids as an excuse, the truth was that she was an alcoholic. So she'd knock off early during the week and then go in on weekends to make up the time.

She started taking me and my sister in on weekends to give her a hand and if we were good she'd stop in the pub on the way home and buy us a counter meal. Louise one weekend and me the other. So when I turned 16 and wanted to leave school I got a job as an offset printer and went from there.

Printers were reknowned for being highly strung and would quit their jobs over things like the wrong beer being supplied on Friday afternoons, we were all a little bit weird. As a printer I was no longer weird, I was normal. Being a printer explained everything for a few years.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yeah. I've already experienced the being rejected and judged here for trauma reasons, so I will be more careful in the future. I'm quite "Rejection Sensitive" in a bit of an extreme way. I'm pretty sure it's a big part of my ADHD profile and it reeeaaaallllly sucks. I'm pretty sure you can relate, given what you've said on here.

I have RSD. It makes me extremely sensitive to criticism and social rejection.

I super feelz you when you talk about your pain of rejection that you are going through.

I feel everyone's pain here. I like to offer sympathy and support, as I understand that sometimes just kind words can go a long way when someone is having a hard time, but I've had it thrown back in my face one time because the person I was sympathising with was bitter with jealousy and didn't want my input, no matter how understanding my words were. Knowing they're jealous of me made me step back and avoid them after that. I hate when people are nasty because they're jealous. I understand we can all feel jealous at times, even I get jealous, but I try not to take it out on them if they're friends or family.

Oops, I'm going off on a tangent here. This thread is your's, not mine.

 

[Neri]

I have RSD. It makes me extremely sensitive to criticism and social rejection.

I feel everyone's pain here. I like to offer sympathy and support, as I understand that sometimes just kind words can go a long way when someone is having a hard time, but I've had it thrown back in my face one time because the person I was sympathising with was bitter with jealousy and didn't want my input, no matter how understanding my words were. Knowing they're jealous of me made me step back and avoid them after that. I hate when people are nasty because they're jealous. I understand we can all feel jealous at times, even I get jealous, but I try not to take it out on them if they're friends or family.

Oops, I'm going off on a tangent here. This thread is your's, not mine.

No, feel free to say whatever here. I wanted it to be a "peer support" thread, not just for me to vent. Normalizing talking about this stuff and other people talking about their stuff really helps me.
Yeah, the envy and jely stuff is hard to deal with. It's a toxic place to come from and it's quite sad. Its also really hard to deal with, especially when one is super sensitive and hyper aware because of RSD and prior trauma histories.
I only became aware of this thing called RSD this year and figured out that it's a thing for me, not too long before getting my diagnosis, and I'm pretty severe in the ADHD department, according to the diagnostician who diagnosed me. And I only knew enough to seek diagnosis for it because of my two brilliant youngest sons who alerted me to it. I had no idea. The trauma stuff clouded the ASD stuff and the ASD stuff and the trauma diagnosis' clouded the ADHD. At least I'm aware of it all now, and I can work on it, knowing what I'm working with.

 

[Neri]

I was just so lucky.

My mum was the printer for our local council, back before computers everything had to be done on paper forms and large companies all had their own in-house printers. All government departments too. Mum started working flexi time using us kids as an excuse, the truth was that she was an alcoholic. So she'd knock off early during the week and then go in on weekends to make up the time.

She started taking me and my sister in on weekends to give her a hand and if we were good she'd stop in the pub on the way home and buy us a counter meal. Louise one weekend and me the other. So when I turned 16 and wanted to leave school I got a job as an offset printer and went from there.

Printers were reknowned for being highly strung and would quit their jobs over things like the wrong beer being supplied on Friday afternoons, we were all a little bit weird. As a printer I was no longer weird, I was normal. Being a printer explained everything for a few years.

Kind of similar with being a musical artist. We tend to be weirdies so I had no reason to pursue a label for that. I struggled so hard and wasn't treated well throughout but being just sooo busy and stim singing and dancing and hiding behind being a parent (a socially impaired one perhaps, but a parent of so many kids I could get away with my social awkwardness).

I just thought I was super weird because I grew up in hippysville, being dragged around the country and isolated in the bush plenty, so that's why the autism question didn't arise until I'd had breakdown after breakdown from abuse (and autism) and I'd done A LOT of trauma treatment and I realised that I'm no closer to feeling ok, socially. Still feel like a complete weirdo and I live in hippy town, Nimbin and yet, no social comfort.

I am a lot better, in terms of trauma recovery, but, the sense of weirdo 'tismness I know, will never leave me and I'm ok with that.
I'm ok with delayed processing. I'm ok with not being able to conduct RL friendships, other than my SO. I'm ok with needing help with things I've never been able to do. I'm ok with being tired and burnt out a lot of the time. I'm ok with my default social avoidance. It's good to know I'm autistic because I can stop trying so hard and failing anyway!

 

[Outdated]

In my late teens and up until my late 30s I was relatively normal and had a fairly regular life. Except that I was very successful and earnt nearly twice as much as the average bloke in the street. Never married and never had kids I had a very active social life as well.

Then I burnt out and I had no idea what was happening to me. I moved back up to Darwin for the more laid back lifestyle but still kept burning out more and more. In the end I came to the point of "I can't live like this any more" but instead of thinking of self harm I thought of living differently.

I literally walked out on my life, I left my front door open and told neighbours to help themselves to everything I owned and I walked away in to the bush. Dreams of Robinson Carusoe. I kept my favourite slr camera and lenses and a spare pair of jeans, that was it. Literally walked away from it all.

It was several years later I was listening to the talk back morning show on ABC radio and they interviewed boffins from a university about doing a study in to autism in adults. That was the very first time in my life that I heard anyone describe situations that related to my life. Where I was living there was no phone access but the names stuck in my mind, I searched them on the net and emailed them and those conversations led to me being included in the 5 year study.

That was my fist introduction in to autism and I described myself as aspergic. It was quite a few years later when I got a formal diagnosis - ASD2.

 

[Neri]

So you became a "wild man" for a time?
Pretty cool, in my book. I've spent time being a bit of a wildling. I had all of my babies in the bush, bar one, and even he was born without anyone but his dad and sibs there.
Couldn't do hospitals or even cope with bossy midwives.
I did have one organised for firstborn, but his dad ripped her off so I resolved not to let that happen again.
She was late to the birth anyway. Missed the birth, and I just figured I've done it once, I can do it again without people helping me.
Having anyone around me when giving birth was really too overstimulating and stressful. The idea of an overly bright, sterile hospital with strangers coming in and out and having power over me, when that vulnerable, was waaay too horrific and terrifying to consider.

Luckily I (and my babies) survived all of the births without complications, but I did get very sick after most of them, on account of having to work and no rest or recovery time.

We lived on the road for the, most part, for the first 4, who were born within 5 years or so. One was born in a car park in Byron Bay, near the beach, another in a car park at a camp ground outside Mullumbimby (both in a mobile home/ bus), and the first in a converted banana shed up a very bad access dirt road and the 5th in a shack, deep in the bush, no power, outdoor pit dunny, the second born in a freezing cold bush bathroom in winter in King Lake national park.

So yeah. I have more "feral" "wildling" stories, but that will do for now.

 

[Neri]

In my late teens and up until my late 30s I was relatively normal and had a fairly regular life. Except that I was very successful and earnt nearly twice as much as the average bloke in the street. Never married and never had kids I had a very active social life as well.

Then I burnt out and I had no idea what was happening to me. I moved back up to Darwin for the more laid back lifestyle but still kept burning out more and more. In the end I came to the point of "I can't live like this any more" but instead of thinking of self harm I thought of living differently.

I literally walked out on my life, I left my front door open and told neighbours to help themselves to everything I owned and I walked away in to the bush. Dreams of Robinson Carusoe. I kept my favourite slr camera and lenses and a spare pair of jeans, that was it. Literally walked away from it all.

It was several years later I was listening to the talk back morning show on ABC radio and they interviewed boffins from a university about doing a study in to autism in adults. That was the very first time in my life that I heard anyone describe situations that related to my life. Where I was living there was no phone access but the names stuck in my mind, I searched them on the net and emailed them and those conversations led to me being included in the 5 year study.

That was my fist introduction in to autism and I described myself as aspergic. It was quite a few years later when I got a formal diagnosis - ASD2.

The above post was in response to this one. I forgot to press reply.

 

[Outdated]

I ended up living at Dundee in the NT. All 20 acre properties and larger. Very few permanent residents, a few hobby farmers, a few weekenders and a few fly in fly out mine workers. I acted as a caretaker on different people's properties when they were away, a human guard dog, and I was a good dog.

I'm a bit of a computer geek and having me around was handy, I didn't mind lending anyone a hand with anything else either so I fitted in well with the community, but in a front on personal relationship side of things I didn't fare so well. I'd get along fine with people for a while then eventually we'd start to fall out, so I went from place to place but stayed in the general area for 10 years.

I had a great time, but at the last falling out I thought I'm getting a bit too old for this, 54. I grew up in Adelaide so I knew what the services are like here, jumped on a plane down here and lived on the streets here for a bit and put myself through the homeless people services. Only took 3 months, got a housing trust place and I'm set up for life.

Everyone thought it was tough living in the long grass down here. The lawns are mowed, there's public drinking fountains, public toilets, shops nearby, charities that gave me a hot coffee in the morning and let me have a hot shower. They did my laundry for me too and fed me that many meals a day that I got fat while barely spending a penny of my dole money.

My ASD2 diagnosis got me the full disability pension too, life is sweet.

 

[Judge]

I ended up living at Dundee in the NT.

Dundee Beach southwest of Darwin? looks mighty remote on the map...but how cool.

 

[Outdated]

Yes, technically the region is called Fog Bay but only the locals seem to remember that. To fishing tourists around the world it's known as Bynoe Harbour.

There's no actual harbour by the way, just crocodile infested creeks and swamps.

[Edit] I have to add the story. During the post WWII era there was a Norwegian man that sailed a ketch up and down the coast trading and providing transport for remote communities. He was known as Old Bynoe, his son was of course known as Young Bynoe.

Just on the inside of Indian Island there's a fairly deep hole that's a good fishing spot, during rough weather Old Bynoe could hide in the lee of Indian Island and that hole was deep enough that his ketch would be fine even at low tide. So it's just a deep hole next to Indian Island that's good for fishing and it picked up the name of Old Bynoe's Haven.

Idiots in Canberra translated that as Bynoe Harbour and that's how it gets shown on maps, but use google in satellite view, there's no harbour.

 

[Judge]

Yes, technically the region is called Fog Bay but only the locals seem to remember that. To fishing tourists around the world it's known as Bynoe Harbour.

There's no actual harbour by the way, just crocodile infested creeks and swamps.

You've lived an interesting life! I must admit, what little I know about the Northern Territory is around Alice Springs and little else. I just like the idea of places like this being what I consider to be the "last frontiers".

(Geography being one of my special interests).

Fascinating to note how limited the access is in such areas. But then being in the states, we tend to take lots of roads going in all directions for granted.