Having to mask trauma or else it's "trauma dumping"

[Outdated]

I just like the idea of places like this being what I consider to be the "last frontiers".

With the world becoming more and more populated I think I'm one of the last generations to be able to see the things I've seen. I've had a truly phat time.

 

[Gerontius]

A small consideration; perhaps people shutting down anything you say as "trauma dumping" might could lay off the misuse of therapy terms outside of a medical context.

 

[Outdated]

A small consideration; perhaps people shutting down anything you say as "trauma dumping" might could lay off the misuse of therapy terms outside of a medical context.

I think a lot of people don't cope very well with traumatic stories for varying different reasons. For some it brings back hauntings of their own traumas, for others there's a firm desire to believe that such things do not exist in the world.

 

[Neri]

A small consideration; perhaps people shutting down anything you say as "trauma dumping" might could lay off the misuse of therapy terms outside of a medical context.

Oh, no, it wasn't a thing said, like that. I just heard the term from a autism tik tok the other day and realized that a lady I spoke to couple thursdays ago got weirded out by something I said that could be perceived as such.

The tik tok was of an autistic person trying not to, his words "trauma dump" and I felt a resonance with him. Also when I got here, someone shut me out after me explaining that my reaction was a result of trauma, in a pm conversation. So I thought that they must have perceived me as "trauma dumping". I'm trying to resolve some recent micro and otherwise rejections. I thought it a term that made things understandable but it's a pretty cruel term, so maybe you are right and leave it.

I only heard the term, like, a week ago. And yeah, I agree, it's not a kind term.
I felt so hurt by that woman's reaction. She went weird and awkward with me after being really friendly and open and I just left and I never want to go back to that social environment. I wasn't being emotional or anything, I was being lighthearted but realised afterwards that she was shocked at my offhanded mention of a easily-perceived-as a very difficult experience.

I am ultra sensitive I know, but, I'm trying to build up resilience in order to engage in my local community in some capacity.

 

[Neri]

I think a lot of people don't cope very well with traumatic stories for varying different reasons. For some it brings back hauntings of their own traumas, for others there's a firm desire to believe that such things do not exist in the world.

I think sometimes that is the case, hence the term "trauma-dumping". A pretty shaming word, if I'm honest. My support worker gave me feedback that I'm very emotionally intelligent the other day. Ironic really, as I'm an autist, and I'm pretty sure that lady who micro rejected me at that social thing wasn't, but she sure couldn't handle a little difficult experience being shared in a light-hearted way.
I know us Autists can be very dead pan and say stuff that may be perceived as some horrifically difficult experience in a very matter of fact way, so maybe it was that that shocked her.

We can speak in a way incongruent with what we are speaking about, perhaps, as I must have been, talking about my hair catching fire and being freezing cold while having a baby. I know it being a birth related story wasn't the issue, because she had been very engage with talking about "free birthing" before that and was obviously happy to meet someone with that in common. She just got totally weirded out by me when I mentioned my hair catching fire and being cold while no one checked to make sure I was warm enough. It was in context to having the right people around when having a homebirth.
I guess she got too empathetic or something and felt horrified or something but she quickly turned away and cut me off and it felt HORRIBLY awkward and I had to leave.

 

[Au Naturel]

You could put up a blog. It doesn't matter if anyone reads it. When I blog, I consider it thinking on paper. The forum hosts blogs.

 

[Neri]

Maybe I will. I don't really feel the need to write it out the way I used to. I did it for 3 years anonymously on a trauma recovery peer support site.
Mainly, I'm trying to figure out how to engage in my community without feeling it's too intense and I have to hide in my house, for still many more years.
And how not to upset people here and have them completely disengage with me, after seeking me out and pming me. Things like that.
I will be getting weekly therapy next year, instead of fortnightly, probably. That might help. I will be engaging with disability support workers, who tend toward tolerance, patience and emotional resilience, so that I don't have to feel like I have to micro-manage myself to protect everyone's elses feelings.

Growing up in a household with a emotionally immature caregiver who was very unaware of their own emotional impact on their highly sensitive child, and then repeating the trauma attachment style with a very emotionally immature and exploitative far-older drug addicted partner and boss, has led me to be very hyper vigilant about how I affect others, in an attempt to keep myself safe.

I don't want to feel like I have to always consider everyone else's feelings above my own. It gets exhausting and unsustainable and so I just stay alone in my house with very little societal inclusion. But that is about to change and in reality, already has.

 

[Au Naturel]

I'm up for supporting others that can relate. This thread is not intended to be all about me. I am trained in mental health peer support and I think I'm half decent at it.

I also have no shortage of trauma. I wish that weren't so common, doubly so among autistic people!

Some of it is physical, some emotional. If I let it get to me, it can turn into an anxiety attack. I get by with letting my past go. There is nothing I can do to change it, so it doesn't matter anymore. I look back at those events as if they were just bad weather. Bad weather doesn't have any emotional impact on me. Good weather has pleasant memories. Pain always takes precedence over pleasure, so if you don't neutralize the pain, you will fail to appreciate the good stuff.

I found that by neutralizing the bad stuff, I discovered little bits of good stuff I'd been treating as invalid.

I got into Stoic philosophy. I got into Buddhist philosophy. I got into Existentialist philosophy. Now I'm more Epicurean with a Hedonist streak.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epicureanism
I didn't have a knowledgeable therapist to help, so I did what my mind always does. I queried people who seemed to have a clue about life. The people I knew didn't seem to have a clue, so I hit the books.

This pretty much sums up my life philosophy. It is all about acceptance.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 

[Au Naturel]

And how not to upset people here and have them completely disengage with me, after seeking me out and pming me.

I don't want to feel like I have to always consider everyone else's feelings above my own. It gets exhausting and unsustainable and so I just stay alone in my house with very little societal inclusion. But that is about to change and in reality, already has.

Feel free to PM me all you want. If I have anything going, it is a lot of experience in a lot of different things. I've been there and done that and got the T-shirt. I've neutralized most of my triggers. I'm not full of judgment. We may have more in common than would appear on the surface.

 

[Neri]

I'm big on philosophical and wisdom tradition literature and media. I love all that, that you mentioned, although I'm not too familiar with the Epicurian.

And yogic philosophy and mystic traditions and all kinds of psychological schools of thought; Jungian being a favourite. I've had a lot of "mystical" experiences. An upside of being an introverted sensitive artistic type, I guess; a "seeker".
I've always had an innate and intuitive connection with very benevolent "realms" shall we say.
I've experienced the kinds of things that yogic practitioners meditate for years to experience. "Shaktiput" "kundalini" awakenings and the like.
And still ...I struggle with "the real world". Part of me wishes I could be a monk in a monastery or a yogi in an ashram, or a cynic in ancient greek times.
But that wasn't my path. I became a mum at 17 and went on to have 6 more children.

I really need to channel it into music and dance again. That was such a great way to deal with a lot of my intense inner feelingzy stuff.
Maybe I will start writing poetry, again, and blog that.

 

[Neri]

Feel free to PM me all you want. If I have anything going, it is a lot of experience in a lot of different things. I've been there and done that and got the T-shirt. I've neutralized most of my triggers. I'm not full of judgment. We may have more in common than would appear on the surface.

That's very kind of you! I might just do that!

 

[Outdated]

I know us Autists can be very dead pan and say stuff that may be perceived as some horrifically difficult experience in a very matter of fact way, so maybe it was that that shocked her.

I've noticed this effect. Some people get a bit nosy and ask questions they probably shouldn't. Most of the time they very quickly change their minds and they don't want to hear my answer after all. Tough luck. I make sure they get the whole story - you asked so now you'll let me finish.

I did the same thing to the psychologists during my autism diagnosis, and again to the centrelink lady that interviewed me for the pension. I think they'd be happier if I was crying or choking on my words or something, explaining things as if they're just a normal part of every day life upsets them.

 

[Tom]

It may be something like oversharing or monologing or coming accross as all-about-me, which I believe is a tendency of people on the spectrum (not all, but more common for us then general population). With autists the motivation behind these things can be different and not really coming from a egocentric or selfish place - but to the reciever the effect can be the same. And I think in general most people don't want to go there or prefer social interactions to be two way and topical/in the moment. Though gossiping is a perenial favorite.

Personnaly I've had to try and tame some impulses of this sort, trying to be concious of the correct time and place, time limits, being more attentive to the listener and try and gage if they are actively participating or begining to zone out. I do better, but still relapse occasionally.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I dump it everywhere
Everywhere I go I tend to dump it all over everyone
I admit, I hate feeling like the victim too and it does take time to heal.
The worse thing is to be put in situations where it is made worse when you only started to validate it and find ways to be compassionate to yourself.
Whoever is in your life needs to understand and not place pressure on you
Yes it can take years to heal and it is not just a quick fix no matter what anyone says.
And if situations only make it worse we’ll you cannot help if you have worse reactions if is only human.
Who cares people are only human and can only think the way their trauma, illnesses, disabilities allow them to think and anyone who invalidates that is not worth it.
I only have a compassionate support worker who helps but often I need more support not more situations that make me hurt more and make it harder to survive.
I struggle with trust and no matter what I go through someone always has to invalidate my truths and I end up hurting myself so bad because God always let’s them win.
I am not foolish or wrong, I am just a struggling unwell human who does my best to cope with difficult situations who is limited to my trauma brain and illnesses and conditions who has to do it all by myself.
And pity it is not really my parents fault because who is to say they would not step up if they knew. I cannot help I am fearful.
My dad in particular treats me a lot better than my mum.

 

[Neri]

I dump it everywhere
Everywhere I go I tend to dump it all over everyone
I admit, I hate feeling like the victim too and it does take time to heal.
The worse thing is to be put in situations where it is made worse when you only started to validate it and find ways to be compassionate to yourself.
Whoever is in your life needs to understand and not place pressure on you
Yes it can take years to heal and it is not just a quick fix no matter what anyone says.
And if situations only make it worse we’ll you cannot help if you have worse reactions if is only human.
Who cares people are only human and can only think the way their trauma, illnesses, disabilities allow them to think and anyone who invalidates that is not worth it.
I only have a compassionate support worker who helps but often I need more support not more situations that make me hurt more and make it harder to survive.
I struggle with trust and no matter what I go through someone always has to invalidate my truths and I end up hurting myself so bad because God always let’s them win.
I am not foolish or wrong, I am just a struggling unwell human who does my best to cope with difficult situations who is limited to my trauma brain and illnesses and conditions who has to do it all by myself.
And pity it is not really my parents fault because who is to say they would not step up if they knew. I cannot help I am fearful.
My dad in particular treats me a lot better than my mum.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it too. It's good that you are dealing with it young (a lot younger than me, anyway) and getting what support you can, though.

It sounds like you are making great inroads in regards to treating yourself with as much compassion as you can muster.

Thanks for sharing on this thread. Anyone being honest and forthright about their own struggles around this type of stuff really helps me to de-stigmatize myself.

I am having a difficult morning and peer support is the thing that helps the most.

Other people invalidating us is hard. But validating ourselves and finding other's who do helps a lot, in my experience.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

And really word for the wise, get rid of the toxic people in your life. No point thinking there is a God in the sky who thinks you have to put up with it when way back in the past you always had people who loved you
And this is a trauma dump and you are right…so hard.
But next let toxic abusers who invalidate your truths or things that are toxic to you stay-you are worth more and no one should have to endure that.
The people who stay are the people who are honest and for you.
For me I cannot stand tolerating narcissistic women who never change
I have had it a bit from my own mother
But do not listen to any lie who says all women are like that or women like that should be validated and blessed.
I will never listen to that I believe there are loving and caring and intelligent and talented women, such a misogynist view women cannot be as talented and intelligent as men.
I would have never thought this in the past because my dad is as intelligent as me.
And we are both very intelligent
Whoever would say men and women are not equal in value. Different but equal.
Anyway this is a trauma dump

 

[Neri]

It may be something like oversharing or monologing or coming accross as all-about-me, which I believe is a tendency of people on the spectrum (not all, but more common for us then general population). With autists the motivation behind these things can be different and not really coming from a egocentric or selfish place - but to the reciever the effect can be the same. And I think in general most people don't want to go there or prefer social interactions to be two way and topical/in the moment. Though gossiping is a perenial favorite.

Personnaly I've had to try and tame some impulses of this sort, trying to be concious of the correct time and place, time limits, being more attentive to the listener and try and gage if they are actively participating or begining to zone out. I do better, but still relapse occasionally.

Yes. It's something I'm working very hard on. I think the trauma stuff makes me pretty hyper vigilant to gauge the other person's reaction to what I'm saying, but still, I am autistic and monologuing is a thing I have to work very hard to not do. I've taken to apologizing when I think I've been on about myself or special interests too much (or I suspect I have) and I've been pleasantly surprised that the person validated me and shared more about themselves after I did.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it too. It's good that you are dealing with it young (a lot younger than me, anyway) and getting what support you can, though.

It sounds like you are making great inroads in regards to treating yourself with as much compassion as you can muster.

Thanks for sharing on this thread. Anyone being honest and forthright about their own struggles around this type of stuff really helps me to de-stigmatize myself.

I am having a difficult morning and peer support is the thing that helps the most.

Other people invalidating us is hard. But validating ourselves and finding other's who do helps a lot, in my experience.

Yes my trauma is very severe and it is so, so hard.
I do trauma dump as I did before.
Yes it is hard, I am also lucky to have a good support worker who validates me.
I can go on and on about it particularly when it gets worse and I am still struggling.

I think sometimes you just need time and space and when you do not oh well everything will be screwed if no one can protect you from your trauma outbursts or issues.
Anyway I hope you also find healing and be kind to yourself always.

 

[Neri]

And really word for the wise, get rid of the toxic people in your life. No point thinking there is a God in the sky who thinks you have to put up with it when way back in the past you always had people who loved you
And this is a trauma dump and you are right…so hard.
But next let toxic abusers who invalidate your truths or things that are toxic to you stay-you are worth more and no one should have to endure that.
The people who stay are the people who are honest and for you.
For me I cannot stand tolerating narcissistic women who never change
I have had it a bit from my own mother
But do not listen to any lie who says all women are like that or women like that should be validated and blessed.
I will never listen to that I believe there are loving and caring and intelligent and talented women, such a misogynist view women cannot be as talented and intelligent as men.
I would have never thought this in the past because my dad is as intelligent as me.
And we are both very intelligent
Whoever would say men and women are not equal in value. Different but equal.
Anyway this is a trauma dump

I'm fortunate in that I have a loving, intelligent, autistic partner now. He's had so much trauma as well and well, there are tough things about living with a traumatized autistic person, for both of us, but we understand it all so well and it makes for a loving, compassionate, mostly fun relationship, with some stuck areas that we both need help around too.
I have family members that are pretty tough for both of us to deal with and he has too, but we are able to support each other through it and that is awesome!
We minimise our interactions with them though, which, for me, is also hard, because I love them and I care about them, but they are not very good to me or for me.