Hello, Aspie World!

[VAW]

His inability to understand social settings would leave him feeling like an outsider. He probably feels as though he has to go along in order to get along. If you have ever been in that situation you will know that you feel like an actor playing a part. You are living in a world where nothing is real.



We all want to be accepted as we are. When he plays that part that I spoke of he is not able to be himself. That is why he feels as though others don't really know him. If you think about it, getting to know anyone requires a lot of time and effort. In the end its a series of social interactions that allow us to get to know each other. For your son those interactions are difficult or even imposible. What you see of him is an incomplete picture of the person he is inside, and he knows it.



Before I knew I was autistic I would tell people "I am one of the most screwed up people you will ever meet." I said that because I was convinced of it. A lifetime of failed personal interactions and subsequent social rejection had taken its toll on me. I wanted more than anything to be everyone's best friend and I was actually hurting people in the process. In short I felt like a monster whenever I hurt people. Hurting others is the last thing that I want to do.

Wow Len, you explained that really good, thank you! IT makes sense. So how did you figure yourself out? Did you have help? Did you have a good home life? people who helped you?

 

[Len Huppe]

Wow Len, you explained that really good, thank you! IT makes sense. So how did you figure yourself out? Did you have help? Did you have a good home life? people who helped you?

It took me many years to figure out that I have AS. That was only months ago now at the age of 57. The turning point was reading Tony Attwood's book The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. I have a younger brother who I think has AS and I was trying to teach myself about the condition. I was reading the introduction where the author talks about AS mimicking a variety of other conditions when I became convinced. There were too many moments when I would think to myself "that's me!" to ignore them. For the first time in my life I had an explanation for why I seemed so different. I felt in a way vindicated. I knew for the first time that I am *not* a screwed up person, I am a person with a condition called autism.

Growing up was difficult as I generally didn't understand what was going on in my family. I felt as though nobody was willing to talk to me, much less explain anything that was confusing or scary to me. I was never a socialite preferring instead to listen to music on headphones and look at the album art. It was my escape and I took refuge there. Even that was impacted by my autism as I was unable to understand what singers were saying. In the 1970's I didn't have the web to go and look up the lyrics. It turns out that I have a language deficit which makes it hard at times to understand what people are saying. More on that later.

I have to head to work now but will return afterward. I really, really enjoying sharing with you here. It has been very therapeutic for me. I thank you and send you my love. See you after work.

 

[VAW]

Sounds a little familiar... With us my daughter was reading something online about AS and she said mom I think I have this. SO I read it and said OMG, that sounds exactly like your brother. I had never heard of that before. Most of my kids were shy, They kind of stayed in their own clique. Since there were 5 of them they basically all played together so they were used to all being together. I think that was another reason why I didn't really notice things like my son would never go somewhere alone, or do something such as order a burger from mcdonalds, he would just tell one of the other kids to do it. I used to think he was a typical Scorpio and made people his slaves. lol until of course finding out the anxiety was too high for him to do such things... but since the other kids covered for him I guess I didn't think he couldn't do such things but that he used the other kids as his slaves to do things for him.

Then when he got sick and had to go to a specialist, that doctor happened to have two kids of his own who had AS and said that he thought my son had it. My son also had bad migraines and went to another specialist for that and he had told his regular doctor that he has never seen someone with such anxiety. His regular doctor gave me a name of a person who worked with AS people, going to her she only worked with children not adults, the next person did work with adults but most of the people she saw were children and she did see my son but she couldn't diagnose him only work with him since you needed a neuropsychologist to give him a legal diagnosis. My son did not like the woman qualified to work with people with AS because she almost treated him as a child and he was far too intelligent for that. Having him look at pictures and describe what he saw in their faces etc...Are they happy or sad? SO that was our route and it took nearly a year to actually get a proper diagnosis.

I moved to a chat, if that is okay with you?

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Barymore]

Hi Len

What you write resonates with me. It has been disheartening for me to realize that I am not enough for a partner - that they are lonely in a relationship with me despite my love for them. My need for space, an inability for intimacy from time to time and being unable so often to see what my partners need without them needing, basically, to write me a note is saddening. I struggle with this. The times when partners that loved left me made it so much worse. With every time I became a little more disillusioned. But we get through it, we do meet other people and the world regains its colour.
I have to admit though, after my last breakup I got a dog and it was a brilliant decision for me Do consider it, if you feel you have time for one of those unconditionally loving, a bit codependent creatures!

 

[Jumpback]

That pretty much describes me at the moment. The relationship that I lost was short-lived but it was the happiest time of my life. I had a beautiful woman that I love dearly standing by my side and promising that she would never leave me alone. Sadly that was not to be. We were unable to communicate effectively and as a result she felt completely alone. Now she is gone and I feel like I have been robbed of the most important relationship in my life. I know that I will get over her but right now the pain is excruciating. Once again I thank this community for reaching out to me in my time of need. In time I hope to give a lot back to this community.

I am so sorry for your pain about this, I am in a similar situation.

Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? I say that it is better to have never loved a all, because if you never had a thing, then you can not miss it when it is gone.

 

[Len Huppe]

I am so sorry for your pain about this, I am in a similar situation.

Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? I say that it is better to have never loved a all, because if you never had a thing, then you can not miss it when it is gone.

That is a real dilemma isn't it? If you never love then you spend your life yearning for it, wondering what its like, and then asking yourself what you need to be doing differently. On the other hand if you love and then lose it, you agonize over the loss, wonder how you will get over it, and ask yourself what you need to be doing differently. I think that I am a better person for having loved. I am no expert but I know that lovers are first and foremost best friends, and that is something that I can do. True friendship is a blessing and if it grows into love then that is the icing on the cake is it not? Don't give up!

 

[Len Huppe]

Hi Len

What you write resonates with me. It has been disheartening for me to realize that I am not enough for a partner - that they are lonely in a relationship with me despite my love for them. My need for space, an inability for intimacy from time to time and being unable so often to see what my partners need without them needing, basically, to write me a note is saddening. I struggle with this. The times when partners that loved left me made it so much worse. With every time I became a little more disillusioned. But we get through it, we do meet other people and the world regains its colour.
I have to admit though, after my last breakup I got a dog and it was a brilliant decision for me Do consider it, if you feel you have time for one of those unconditionally loving, a bit codependent creatures!

I would love to have a dog. Not sure if its a good idea with my current living arrangements though. I would not call it a stable situation. I have approval to buy a single family home through the VA but prices are too high for me to actually use it. I am so close and yet so far from living in my own home. Truth be told the thought of dealing with a mortgage is a bit scary for me. I would need help managing my affairs. I am beginning therapy for that through the VA and time will tell how that works out. But I agree with your suggestion. If I ever buy a home the first thing I will do is get a dog. Thanks!

 

[Len Huppe]

Hi Len

What you write resonates with me. It has been disheartening for me to realize that I am not enough for a partner - that they are lonely in a relationship with me despite my love for them. My need for space, an inability for intimacy from time to time and being unable so often to see what my partners need without them needing, basically, to write me a note is saddening. I struggle with this. The times when partners that loved left me made it so much worse. With every time I became a little more disillusioned. But we get through it, we do meet other people and the world regains its colour.
I have to admit though, after my last breakup I got a dog and it was a brilliant decision for me Do consider it, if you feel you have time for one of those unconditionally loving, a bit codependent creatures!

Please don't say that you are not enough for a partner. Just because relationships are difficult for Aspies does not mean that they are impossible. There is a distinction there. All relationships require effort to maintain - families, friends, neighbors, coworkers ... the list goes on. We Aspies are not unique in having to work hard to maintain the relationships in our lives. It comes down to how much effort you are willing to put into finding and connecting with that special someone. Don't give up!

 

[Storm Hess]

Glad to meet you too my new friend. Thank you for a great laugh first thing in the morning. You rock!

Thank you.

 

[Storm Hess]

Please don't say that you are not enough for a partner. Just because relationships are difficult for Aspies does not mean that they are impossible. There is a distinction there. All relationships require effort to maintain - families, friends, neighbors, coworkers ... the list goes on. We Aspies are not unique in having to work hard to maintain the relationships in our lives. It comes down to how much effort you are willing to put into finding and connecting with that special someone. Don't give up!

Relationships are difficult enough on a good day. Throw in two Aspies and there is a lot of confusion, and at times, major meltdowns that could tear it all apart. Example: I am trying to adjust to having my routines interrupted and my space invaded. It is not easy when my children want attention on top of tending to the needs of my wife when there is work to be done. When I do communicate, like on this forum, I cannot stand being interrupted when focusing...on anything really. Adjusting and finding common ground is painful at times because I don't understand why I can't be allowed to do my work...I enjoy it. Everyday is a learning experience. Glad this forum is here.

 

[Ezra]

Hello, nice to meet you.