Hello :) Can you please help me understand what happened to my ASD-NT marriage?

[Annieoh]

He is aspie, no doubt.



Pointing out problems to an aspie is like tossing your relationship out the window, watching it fall to the ground and be blown away by the wind, with no regards or concerns.

Please explain! I continue to do so , so we can make things better. His refusal to address my emotional needs hurts terribly. I do not understand why.

 

[SnailPie]

He is aspie, no doubt.



Pointing out problems to an aspie is like tossing your relationship out the window, watching it fall to the ground and be blown away by the wind, with no regards or concerns.

Keigan,
I would love to know WHY this is. I have AS myself, but I WANT to hear about what I can be doing, specifically, to help my partner feel loved and respected. If I am doing/saying/not doing something which is problematic for him, I want him to tell me. I'm a big girl, I can take it! I'd rather know that something's wrong, than blithely go on my merry way believing all is well when it isn't.

But I am a female, and I know we can be a bit different.
Pointing out problems to my undiagnosed AS BF is just like you said. It just frustrates him and makes him upset. He will actually say "Why are you making problems where there aren't any?!?!"
In other words, there is no problem, because HE feels everything is fine.
He doesn't seem to get that there ARE problems, something he's doing/not doing IS a problem----for ME. Deciding not to mention it and keeping it to myself, doesn't mean it's any less of a problem, or that it's not causing me pain.

Not discussing things that are going wrong is not an option for me.

It would mean keeping my mouth shut until one day I'd have had enough; he'd come home to find me gone. (I would never do this, but I do think about it. It's not like I haven't gone over the same territory a hundred times. Literally. He knows it's a case where some things have to change in order to continue the relationship.) The fact is, I believe in talking things through.

And, to his credit, when he does "Get It", he tries very hard to improve. It doesn't always seem to last, though. The same problems come up again and again. But at least we both know he's aware of the "issues" now.
The usual--lack of affection, overly focused on his own interests/agenda, not realizing I have my own, valid point of view, saying unintentional but bluntly hurtful things, being lax about hygiene, housework, wanting his own way most of the time....

Sorry to hijack the OP's thread here! Unfortunately, I have nothing to add that would be helpful to her, except my condolences. Living like that is brutal, and to see that he IS capable of giving affection/attention to the children has got to be terrible. Unfortunately, he sounds like my Ex in that what he wanted was all the benefits of a wife/home/family, but without the work. I was more like a "Wife Appliance", there to be used when needed, and the rest of the time I was expected to stay on my little shelf in the closet and not cause any commotion. And he was NT. Go figure.

 

[Keigan]

Please explain! I continue to do so , so we can make things better. His refusal to address my emotional needs hurts terribly. I do not understand why.

Feel free to reach out via a private conversation.

 

[Keigan]

Keigan,
I would love to know WHY this is. I have AS myself, but I WANT to hear about what I can be doing, specifically, to help my partner feel loved and respected. But I am a female, and I know we can be a bit different.
Pointing out problems to my undiagnosed AS BF is just like you said. It just frustrates him and makes him upset. He will actually say "Why are you making problems where there aren't any?!?!"
He doesn't seem to get that there ARE problems, something he's doing/not doing IS a problem--for ME. Not mentioning doesn't mean it's not causing me pain.

Not mentioning things that are going wrong is not an option for me. It would mean keeping my mouth shut until one day he'd come home to find me gone. I believe in talking things through. And, to his credit, when he does "Get It", he tries very hard to improve. It doesn't always seem to last, though. The same problems come up again and again. But at least we both know he's aware of the "issues" now.
The usual--lack of affection, overly focused on his own interests/agenda, not realizing I have my own, valid point of view, saying unintentional but bluntly hurtful things, being lax about hygiene, housework, wanting his own way most of the time....

Sorry to hijack the OP's thread here! Unfortunately, I have nothing to add that would be helpful to her, except my condolences. Living like that is brutal, and to see that he IS capable of giving affection/attention to the children has got to be terrible. Unfortunately, he sounds like my Ex in that what he wanted was all the benefits of a wife/home/family, but without the work. I was more like a "Wife Appliance", there to be used when needed, and the rest of the time I was expected to stay on my little shelf in the closet and not cause any commotion. And he was NT. Go figure.

Feel free to reach out via a private conversation.

 

[Keigan]

He is aspie, no doubt.



Pointing out problems to an aspie is like tossing your relationship out the window, watching it fall to the ground and be blown away by the wind, with no regards or concerns.

As a grossly over-simplified generalization;

A relationship is a very complex and very fluid amount of energy - like a big piece of jello, as you touch it on one side there are rippling affects on all surfaces. It is the energy that holds everything together.

The relationship itself does not appear out of thin air, the relationship exists because multiple parties have determined (made a decision) to invest time and energy towards a relationship - what ever that definition may be, as that definition is always different, and potentially that definition changes over time (change of definition is a disruption of structure for an Aspie).

The more open the individuals, the more that the relationship has to offer from the fact that more will be invested into the relationship.

Many Aspie individuals are activity and action based, their participation is recognized by their actions. As well, many Aspie individuals have challenges with empathy (hold that thought for a moment). So, for many Aspie individuals - planning a weekend get away is a series of activities towards planning followed by the execution of what has been planned. There is an excellent chance that the Aspie individual has though about tremendous influences and logical paths towards that planning and execution - potentially a very efficient weekend get away, but possibly a) all without considering the needs of the partner b) all without considering the needs of the relationship.

From an emotional connection perspective, we would want to be a part of all that thought and consideration towards the planning of the get away weekend. In fact, it is an excellent opportunity for emotional reciprocation as all parties involved make contributions towards the planning of the get away weekend.

The Aspie individual will not understand that a problem exists as a result of their actions and activities, of their efforts, of their energy invested - because they though they had done an excellent job - now meltdown or shutdown, now toss everything out the window and stop investing energy because the investment of energy and trying so hard, was not acceptable.

The only way to manage is to get in front of the Aspie individual and do the planning together, to broaden expose to needs, to evolve the actions to include others, so they feel valued also, so that the there is reciprocation.

We don’t always get the importance of involving others, as our brains move immediately into actions to solve the equation.

 

[Keigan]

If you really want to do some interesting research:
- write down your emotional needs from your partner
- write down your emotional needs from your relationship
- determine for yourself and your partner:
-- is empathic as speaking is frequently with “I feel”
— not so empathic as speaking more with “I think”
- research Alexithymia
- research Casandra Syndrome, specifically emotional reciprocity

Ask yourself honestly, can your partner and can the relationship meet your emotional needs, what happens if it can’t?

As an empathic speaks with “I feel” most Aspie individuals will eventually become overwhelmed - why - because when the empathic does not receive emotional reciprocity they tend to add in more emotion through additional layers of “I feel” to seek an emotional connection. This leads to implosion for the Aspie or Alexi.

I’m Alexithymic, my views are from first hand experience and understanding as to why my previous relationships have not worked out, now i approach completely differently.

 

[Keigan]

Here is an example towards gaining an individual’s undivided attention and opening up what ever level of empathy they may have:

Ask you Aspie partner to sit down on the couch so they are comfortable. Now, literally sit down on the floor as if you are sitting on your partners feet, or kneeling on your partners feet and ask for a conversation of openness and possibility.....

Doing this will:
A) rock your partners world because chances are they have never experienced such a thing
B) your pose, posture, eye level - will appear to your partner as a child (Aspie and Alexi seem to have empathy for children and animals, not so much towards adults)
C) this is a non-threatening pose/jesture
D) this is extremely respectful towards individual and workability

The net result will probably shock your partner into a different state of existence for those moments.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

As an empathic speaks with “I feel” most Aspie individuals will eventually become overwhelmed - why - because when the empathic does not receive emotional reciprocity they tend to add in more emotion through additional layers of “I feel” to seek an emotional connection. This leads to implosion for the Aspie or Alexi

I think this hits the nail on the head. If you're not used to or can't label emotions at those times you're suddenly :

Asked to be an expert on labelling/identifying feelings
Blamed,accused for not doing it.

Outcome: withdrawal ,meltdown.

The other person doesnt understand and once ypu have been 'labelled' often the other person can't see beyond the label.
Distance has been created.
Recovery is then much harder.