Hello! Desperately Seeking Advice...

[Wheelered]

Yes, we feel outta of step with those around us. But this doesn't have to mean horrible. It's just us. I , early in life, thought as one who was always studying people. Observer is more accurate. Didn't mean l was bad or good, it was just a state of being.

So later, l crossed into masking or presenting a persona. I describe this as a public persona. As someone who presents a person who can float around almost any social setting.

Now l am just a mishmash of masking or standing my ground no matter what.

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate your insight.

 

[Wheelered]

Your scoring on the AQ mirrors my own experience. I took it long after I was convinced that I was ASD. I scored 34 by going with the NT answer for anything I was on the fence about. I'm sure I'd have no problem getting a 38 otherwise. Your mother probably didn't find your behavior as a kid unusual because that's where you got your ASD genes from. Your age puts your childhood early in the era of ASD awareness by doctors/teachers. The rising ASD numbers suggest few ASD kids were diagnosed back then.

My parents were concerned about my speech delay (~1960) and my doctor was dismissive. I did see a pdoc when I was starting school but don't know what he concluded and I stayed in mainstream classes. I remember them checking my hearing too. I self-diagnosed in the late 1970s when I found a description of Asperger's in the psychology book. People have also make comments about my obvious ASD in recent years, but I had never opened up about it until learning about the ND concept 2 years ago. But after studying ASD, it explains much more about me than simply knowing that it was causing my biggest problems.

It is comforting to hear that someone identifies with my experience. I'm sure you, like me, have felt all alone at one point or another in your life. Your comment about my mother is probably correct. I always thought she was so good socially -- mainly because she would talk to anyone it seemed like. I quickly learned not to speak because then I couldn't say anything wrong (I would say something in public and later get in trouble by mom for it). But as I've gotten older, married, on my own, and around other people, I've realized just how odd she is. Yes, she talks to people, but the conversations are weird and a lot of the stuff she says makes me cringe. And she says things to people that come off as extremely rude and mean to me.

I mentioned my motorboat thing I do when I'm stressed (a long with biting my nails/fingers) and I remember that my mom does a similar thing: she puffs her cheeks and blows air out. It used to drive me nuts as a kid and now I have a similar tic.

I can't even imagine what you went through in 60s and 70s. My mom and uncle grew up in that period and my uncle is dyslexic and back in those days they just thought he was "lazy." My uncle has dyslexia, his grandson has aspergers, and a distant cousin on the same side has dyslexia too. My wife said that my mom's other brother's son "had something off about him" and I was shocked when she said that. I just thought he was quirky (e.g. he's very specific about when he will be somewhere, he's always the last to get there and first to leave, he doesn't talk much). I just never noticed.

As I'm typing this, I'm wondering if maybe (and I apologize for any terminology I use, I'm not sure how to say it) "differentness" runs in my family?

 

[Wheelered]

Hello, and welcome!

I see many parallels between your experiences with my own- history of anxiety, knowing there was something different and never really knowing what (I thought ADHD, FASD, Depression, and a bunch of other things). It was ASD that really tied everything together and made so much sense. The thing with relating to some stories is that autism experiences are so incredibly varied- it's like people say, "if you meet a person with autism, you have met one person with autism"- no two experiences are alike. I have been in the process of researching autism seriously (almost everyday) for over a year and I still struggle with imposter syndrome even though there are so many experiences I relate to with people on the spectrum, and they're about the only people I feel an affinity with. I grew up in a dysfunctional home myself, and I know that my constant search for a community, as well as my refusal to allow myself to believe that I belong anywhere is a result of this upbringing. This may be a factor behind your own distrust of your suspicions that you are on the spectrum.
Funnily enough, I have heard some stories about children on the autism spectrum being mistaken for having hearing problems, and vice versa, where people with hearing loss are diagnosed with autism because of the issues with communication experienced by both demographics.
My advice is to not rule it out- if you don't feel comfortable taking the label that is fine, but continuing researching, talking to autistic individuals, and interacting with content created by autistics about autism is the best way to go IMO.

Thank you for your reply, and I do feel a kinship with the way you described yourself.

My worry is that I'm not really perceiving myself or my traits clearly (i.e. I want 'something' to explain myself or how I am, and I will latch on to anything that may explain me). And yes, I only feel welcome in communities that share my interests.

I have a vivid memory of being 14 and thinking, "When I'm 15 I'll be grown enough that my cousins and uncles and family will have to respect me and take me seriously."

Every memory that I have I second guess with "Is this really ASD or is there another explanation?"

Thank you for your advice. I won't rule it out. My friends and family have joked in the past that I am. I don't mean to be offensive, I'm just saying it the way they say it to me, "You're so awkward in the way you deal with people it's almost like your autistic or something."

There have been other seemingly random quirks that I've come across in studying all of this. I've always liked having pillows or cover over my head when I sleep or whatever -- it comforts me. I always chalked this up to me and my dad hiding under the cover from monsters as a kid and me subconsciously longing for a time when my family was whole again. But I came across that being something that is normal for those on the spectrum...

The other thing was the enjoyment of non-fiction books. I do like to read fiction, sometimes, and if I really get hooked I can't stop, but by and large I prefer to be reading nonfiction and learning something. I always feel like time reading fiction is wasted because I could be using that time to learn something

 

[Wheelered]

I felt as though I was reading about myself lol and I was formally diagnosed nearly 3 year's ago, and that was before, people would say: you don't look autistic. Oh, we all are a bit like that? Oh, if you, then I am too. And now, since diagnosis, I get completely the opposite. Probably, two factors. One, because I am confident now, since I know I am on the spectrum and two: neurotypicals ( nt) like a formal diagnosis to know how to deal with a situation.

It is well worth you pursuing a formal diagnosis.

How wonderful that you have a supportive wife.

ps: there is a lot of fact in fiction, since the author bases it around the era they life in or situations in life!

Thank you so much for your reply. I enjoy finding on this forum that I'm not alone. I agree that a formal diagnosis would be good for me. But, as I said in the initial post, I'm always concerned something is wrong with me and I fear this may be just another thing on the list of things I've been convinced I am...

This may be more than you want to know, but here goes. The last 2 years I've had many symptoms that led my doctor to check my testosterone and other hormone levels. My testosterone was really low, at the level of a 90 year old man, and my doctor wanted to do an MRI and other blood tests to rule other a brain tumor and other stuff. Well, that all came back clear, but I have a $2,000 medical bill to pay. I do have insurance, but I live in the US and have the bronze government plan that basically covers nothing. My deductible is crazy high.

It is expensive to get mental care here, and hard to find resources. The only doctor I could find anywhere near me (I live in East Tennessee, USA) was 3 hours away in Nashville, didn't accept insurance and had $2,000 as cost. I just can't do that. I know my wife is probably tired of all my crazy theories and doctor visits and all the money I've spent. Bless her heart she just wants to travel the world while we're young and healthy and I mess everything up.

Yes, she is very supportive (though it does get hard... I couldn't deal with me honestly).

I don't know why, but it took me forever to understand your P.S. I agree there is a lot of fact in fiction intellectually, but for some reason I can't get my feelings to accept that if that makes sense. And I worry that I can't grasp the larger picture or theme of fiction. Non- fiction is usually blunt and to the point

 

[Wheelered]

Hi and welcome. Yes why not keep on researching to see how this fits for you. If you have a non typical neurology, it will affect how you experience the world. Seems communication and social interaction are often affected. Knowing it's a factor can help us find strategies for issues. Also we can look for ways around things instead of Trying to be Normal or do things in a neurotypical way that doesn't work for us.

Some have slow or different processing in real time, for example. Probably only speeding up time would improve that situation! But we can find ways to understand what happens and ways to limit problems of effects.

Havd some discussion here, read around the threads. We are all different, so you won't find anyone quite like you, but you may find plenty of ideas and information.

A lot of people understandably develop anxiety or other issues alongside Neurodivergence, this is not really a part of it, and is seen as a comorbid condition. Understanding you may have autism can help with that, and anxiety can be worked on, as can other issues such as insecurity from childhood family issues. If we work on all that, maybe in therapy or self help, some can be fairly free of difficulties.

Thank you for your response. Any advice on how to stop trying to be normal? I feel like the way I've crafted myself is so ingrained in me that I could never break it. I feel like I could never be myself, except to my wife, and even then I'm trying to be "better" in a sense.

 

[Wheelered]

Hello,
I do relate to your post very much. I identified myself as on the spectrum just a few weeks ago. I am 54. For me, after a life time of struggles, finally figuring out where I fit in was an enormous relief!

There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Nothing, except the life you are already leading, happens after self identifying or even being formally diagnosed.

Now you have clarity. It's like you have been looking at a drawing that looks like one thing, but shift your focus just a little, and the drawing looks like something else.
View attachment 71219

Thank you for your very kind reply. My anxiety (or brain, or whatever) will not allow me to accept clarity I don't think. Am I really seeing clearly? Am I just worrying? Am I imagining things? Am I making connections that aren't really there because I so desperately want an answer?

 

[Wheelered]

12-13 I was obsessed with the end of the world, which also caused a great fear of death. My health anxiety began in my early 20's and lasted for years with constant aches and pains that still affect me to this day.

I'd been put on Celexa (Citalopram in UK) but it didn't help much. Tried SSRI's and they made me feel wired.

I don't take jokes well. Because there's something too literal in my mindset. I actually turned that into a joke with close friends - taking things literal for comic effect. But playing the fool is just another form of masking - and it's exhausting.

Socialising improved for me as I got older too, but it is exhausting. I'm not sure how people can socialise frequently. I need a lot of "me time" to recharge my batteries. Being around others saps me as I find I really pick up on emotions and energies and it utterly drains me. Yesterday I went to a spiritualist evening with my mum and the noise of 30-40 people before the medium reading began was so loud that I wanted to cover my ears or walk out. Instead, I opened a book on my phone and just tried my best to ground myself.

I was initially labelled autistic as a joke, but when I read about it - it was humbling how hard it hit home.

Saying hurtful things without realising it is difficult. I find when I've slipped up, I'm suddenly smashed with the atmosphere - like a tidal wave. Right now I feel a storm brewing at work and I'm deeply unsettled by it.

It's tricky with online tests, heck even my official ADHD assessment used almost word for word questions from all the online ones I had taken. But these scales for answers doesn't fit right with me. It's never that black and white. I'm highly situational.

Anxiety and depression seem to go hand in hand with ASD. Difficulties which provoke further difficulties.

Problem with testing negative with a Dr is how long that calm lasts - before you convince yourself they "Must have missed something" and you're back to anxious rumination. Stressed mind leads to a stressed body. That vicious circle is hard to break. Right now I've had a persistent pain which I know deep down "I'm ok" but every day, and every time it flares up - the "what if's" begin anew.

My anxiety got to the point of agoraphobia and panic attacks leaving the house etc. My "punch in the face" moment was after my second -2 hour long panic attack. After that day in 2012 my body began aching every day. For those first few years with Dr Google - I felt like I was living on borrowed time. I had so many Dr, GP and hospital visits. I was told "It's just anxiety" and had to tell my story with anxiety so often that I became frustrated with the whole routine.

I think as I got older I could chalk more up to experience. I bothered Doctors so much that I know red flags symptoms - and I've never had them. I've gone to bed in so much pain before that I convinced myself I wouldn't wake up - but I did. Then again, depression sometimes makes me wake up wishing I hadn't.

Ed

Ed, thank you so much for your response. I appreciate your insight about being literal. That's me. And I was a clown that acted up in school. I always did it because I liked the attention, and now I'm wondering if that was me masking and not even realizing it?

Also, most of the YouTuber's and websites that discuss ASD seem to be from the UK or Europe and I wonder why awareness of this seems to be lacking so badly in the US...

Your take on socializing really hit home with me too. I don't see how people actually like to do it. I either want to be alone or with my wife. I could be around my wife 24/7 but literally I don't want to be around anybody else.

I know I sound like a broken record but so much of what you said resonated. Being hit by a tidal wave when I know I mess up is a perfect way of putting it. I feel crushed and I try to fight back but it is almost in vain... I feel like the tide is moving and I can't resist it.

I'm sorry about whatever is going on at work. I hope things work out for the best... Your discussion about your anxiety really makes mine seem asenine and I'm sorry you have to deal with that..

 

[Wheelered]

Hello,
I'm here for alot of the same reasons. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and every struggle I've had has been blamed on ADHD. I was researching ADHD and the algorithm put me on autism and I related so much. I did the same thing and took a test. I scored moderate to high for symptoms on every one and now I'm questioning... Are some of my struggles that I haven't been able to figure out because of undiagnosed autism?
They eye contact thing really got me. I know people make eye contact when they talk, but the whole time? I talk and look at someone to start talking but after that it is so uncomfortable to continue looking at someone's eyes.
I also relate to having to be told when I'm being weird or rude. My husband tells me often that a way I did something was odd or rude.
I talk people to death about my interests. I recognize it often now, usually way to late, and it makes me really anxious now to talk about my interests because I know it's so hard to tell when a person's lost interest in what I'm saying.
I've created scripts in my head for different things. How to small talk, what kinds of things to say when talking to a coworker in line for lunch, what to say to family at my in-laws, lots of things. I thought everyone did that.
Sensitivity to sounds and physic touch. I hate the seam in socks, I rip out tags, won't buy clothes that have annoying features like metal buttons that touch your skin. I can not sort out sounds when there is a lot. When I have to go out into production area at work I can't figure out what anyone is saying and I just nod.
I get enraged at inanimate objects when they don't do what I want. And I always feel rediculous and embarrassed afterwards.
I'm here to find out what other experiences I might share and see what other adults experience is with professional assessment so I can decide if I want to get assessed.
So your not alone in wondering, and hello!

[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your reply! Do you find "eye contact" difficult with a camera too? I struggle to even stare into a camera because I know that people are on the other end watching.

I don't talk people to death about my interests (that I know of -- except for my wife, she hears it all the time). I don't do it, I suppose, because I've learned (or assume) that no one cares. That's not to say I don't want to talk about them. I would love nothing more than to talk non stop to people about my interests and my thoughts always turn to that; but I normally don't for whatever reason. Coping mechanism? Masking?

I don't really have any sensory things that I know of (of course, this is a problem and source of my anxiety as well -- I can't remember hardly anything of my childhood and I am terribly unobservant about most things in my life -- only if it is within my current obsession).

I'm very selfish and only talk, think, and act in regards to myself. I'm ashamed of that fact...

The enraged at inanimate objects thing really got to me. If something gets caught on something else, I almost lose my mind. Inanimate objects infuriate me so much sometimes if it doesn't do what I want.

 

[Richelle-H]

Do you find "eye contact" difficult with a camera too? I struggle to even stare into a camera because I know that people are on the other end watching.

Camera shy was most definitely a thing with me and it wasn't just because I hated my looks. There are numerous pictures of me at various ages where I am looking away and down. It took many years to get comfortable enough to look directly at the camera and when I did there was an intensity in my eyes, because I was quite literally trying to fog the film with my mind. As if that would ever happen, but I do remember one of those pictures not coming out properly. lol

The camera is an analog to looking into someone's eyes. As you point out, there is someone looking at you and you are expected to look at them, so the camera is nothing more than a surrogate.

It is all just one of the ways that ASD manifests and it can be changed. I know, because I no longer shy away from having my picture taken.

 

[1ForAll]

Welcome to the Forum!

Although you appear to have many ASD signs and symptoms, I was just curious about a few additional things. Do you see yourself as more organized or disorganized? Do you have difficulties with motivation? What are your special interests? How were you able to get friends, relationships, if social difficulties? Do you appear more extroverted on the surface? Do you have difficulties with concentration? What is your baseline personality around those you trust (wife) versus others? Any difference there? How is your functioning for practical daily living activities? Any difficulties at work settings? If so, why? Any fine or gross motor issues?

I guess the confusion is I see many signs and symptoms of possible ASD, but you seemed to have little difficulty getting friends or in having relationships, despite all the issues you talked about, and I, as a parent with 2 ASD sons, who we saw tons of signs and symptoms at 18 months, I was curious why your Mom and others thought all was well, or not needing of further diagnostics then. My guess is she was either not good at seeing those details, was in denial, or you started masking earlier on because of the abuses you faced, so things were hidden more.

Or could a similar condition explain the things you mentioned. So, the reason I asked more questions, to probe more. Feel free to answer any or all. Thanks.

 

[UncertainAdult]

Wheelered,
Hmmm... I haven't thought much about cameras. My mom took photos constantly as a kid. I guess I just did what she asked. I know in video calls that are a thing now bc of covid, I forget alot that people are looking at me and I stare off and look around. I don't know if it's uncomfortable, but I forget it's what people are expecting.
Things catching on stuff for sure, or things like when I throw something at a garbage can and miss or it bounces out, when I stack stuff and if falls over, when my computer is doing something stupid. I once got so mad at my computer that I hit it with that foam wrist pad and the pad broke and I refuse to get another bc I shouldn't have broken it. I smashed one phone screen completely, and now I put a protector on my phones and I've broken the protector alot. When I'm in a good mood I can catch myself and take a breath, but if I'm having a bad day I'm probably going to react dramatically.

And I didn't realize I did the thing where I talk people to death for a long time. My husband pointed it out once humorously and pokes fun about it, which is fine. But then I noticed it at work and how people start drifting away. And then we started spending a lot of time with inlaws and my husband told me I talk them to death and it's annoying. So I developed this anxiety about it now and I won't talk about my interests around people who I don't know well enough. Now I wonder if that's why people don't talk to me at work and why my sister/cousin/aunt in laws don't invite me to the fun stuff the younger family does even tho I've told them I would want to.

I wonder how much masking I do. I don't know what's masking and what's me really. Some of it is obvious but alot isn't. It's hard to figure out.

 

[Thinx]

Thank you for your response. Any advice on how to stop trying to be normal? I feel like the way I've crafted myself is so ingrained in me that I could never break it. I feel like I could never be myself, except to my wife, and even then I'm trying to be "better" in a sense.

Hopefully if you feel that being ND is part of what you are up against, you can factor that in to your thinking and feel like you can let yourself off the hook a bit. Masking is unfortunately often something we may feel obliged to do in a neurotypical dominated society, but we don't have to give ourselves a hard time too.

I did a lot of therapy and self help work over my youth and for many years beyond. It really helped on a lot of levels. Some was expensive, but I also found some cheaper options, such as cocounselling and reading useful self help texts. In the end it's up to me how much I work on myself, a therapist is just a helper, I can work on myself in therapy, in groups, using self help texts, videos, etc.

As motivation can be an issue for us, group therapy and therapy may be a useful support, also offering opportunity for social engagement and progress.

 

[Wheelered]

Do you see yourself as more organized or disorganized? Do you have difficulties with motivation? What are your special interests? How were you able to get friends, relationships, if social difficulties? Do you appear more extroverted on the surface? Do you have difficulties with concentration? What is your baseline personality around those you trust (wife) versus others? Any difference there? How is your functioning for practical daily living activities? Any difficulties at work settings? If so, why? Any fine or gross motor issues?

Thank you so much for your response. I need skepticism, I need questions, I need things that challenge me to think deeply on this. I take this very seriously and I want to make sure I'm respectful of everyone -- and I have so many issues I worry that I've conjured this up. I want this to be the answer so that I will finally have an answer!

I'd be more than happy to answer your questions.

1.) I see myself (now) as more organized. I like minimalistic, clean, open spaces. Cluttered spaces make me feel cluttered inside. I honestly can't remember if I was like that as a kid. I don't remember ever getting in trouble for having a dirty room or anything like that though. Honestly, the more I try to think and remember, the more I'm disturbed/anxious at my inability to remember. I've been with my wife since 2011 and honestly anything before that (age 21) is hard for me to remember. I do remember certain major events and things, but day-to-day life and thoughts and feelings and behaviors I seem to have forgotten. Honestly, I was such a different person before I met my wife (in a bad way).

2.) I do have difficulties with motivation, though it is more severe at times. If it is something I'm interested in, I'll usually go to the ends of the earth to do it or see that it gets done. But anything that isn't within my obsession, I struggle and usually only do when I absolutely have to. In high school I was obsessed with a certain US college football team and people joked that I could tell them the 3rd string running back from 1946. I've been into all kinds of things and usually have no problem researching, practicing or engaging in that thing. As far as my work goes, yes, most of the time it's hard to get off the couch.

3.) My special interests through the years (those I can remember vividly -- unlike most else). It started with Dragonball Z in 1997-2000ish although I never really gave that up, then it was HTML and website building/graphic design/music video making/anything computer or internet related in the early 2000s, then mid-to-late 2000s it was Alabama college football, then the early 2010s it was Ford F-150s, then it was theology, then it was whiskey, then woodworking, then mindfulness meditation, and now I'm obsessing over ASD.

4.) How I got friends, I'm not sure. I was always there, but was always the odd one out. Back then I thought it was because (a) my parents were divorced and theirs weren't and (b) they all had dirtbikes and I wasn't allowed. I would have angry outbursts in elementary school and they would pull away and I'd beg for forgiveness over and over. Some people immediately didn't like me, but some did like me. To me keeping friends has always been harder than making them. I've always felt like I could put on a good show for awhile but once people really got to know me, they'd abandon me. As for relationships, I did always have a girlfriend 8th grade onward, but it was hard for me. It was kind of like the expression "throwing out everything and seeing what sticks." I tried to have a relationship with everyone and most rejected me and the ones I had I kind of stumbled in to. Around age 13 I began getting into heavy metal and alternative culture (I don't know if it was out of rebellion because of my parents or because I felt more accepted there or both) but I honestly never was fully accepted in either mainstream or metal culture. Like I felt like I couldn't or wouldn't commit fully to either. Of all of the things I'm unsure of, the one thing I am sure of is that social situations have always, always been uncomfortable to me. I never know what to say, and what I do say doesn't seem to be right -- usually later on I will realize something I said probably didn't sound how I intended it. My sister-in-law plays a game where she tries to get me to stare into her eyes. I usually can for a second but it's hard. My wife is really the only one I don't have a problem with eye contact with, and even then a lot of times she says I'm looking at something on her face as opposed to her eyes and she thinks I'm staring at a blemish or pimple or something and I legitimately have no idea.

5.) Concentration is tough for me as an adult. I don't know how my concentrate was generally as a kid, but I do remember that books I read as a kid (hardy boys, harry potter, etc) really interested me and I could read those books for long periods of time and be invested. I can't seem to do that now, even with books I'm interested in. If I'm really, really interested, I can read maybe 30 minutes to an hour. I honestly chalked that up to smartphones zapping our attention spans. But yes, unless it is something I enjoy, I usually do have difficulty concentrating.

6.) My personality around my wife is different than anyone else. I have people that I trust more than the general public but less than I trust my wife. My wife I talk nonstop about my hobbies and passions to, or how I'm feeling. I do constantly apologize for talking so much about it; she says I'm not a good communicator and I've told her in the past that I don't really know what to talk about except for my passions because that's really all I think about. My inner circle of family I'm more reserved than I am with my wife. And the general public I am very reserved. When I meet people I usually ask people questions about themselves and if I can't make some kind of connection with the answers I get, I find it very uncomfortable to keep the conversation going. It really is like a battery that runs out very quickly. I'm in a position where I'm around a lot of people and literally talking to people all day makes feel like I've been doing manual labor, it wears me out! There was a large personality shift between high school and college. I went to a small high school in a small town and everyone had grown up together from kindergarten on, so I knew these people. I would act out for attention, play pranks for attention, and generally act crazy because if I didn't, I usually ended up freaking out in anger. The more time somebody spent with me, the more likely it was I'd freak out about something. But to answer your question, there is a big difference between how I am with others and how I am with my wife. She's the only person in this world I can truly relax around.

7.) You asked "How is your functioning for practical daily living activities?" I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand the intent of the question. Would you mind to elaborate? I seem to function just fine, although my life and feelings are all I've ever known, so I have no idea if they are "normal" or not. Just like I didn't realize my childhood wasn't "normal" until I became an adult because it was all I had ever known. When I was 14-15 my mom broke down and cried and apologized for how abnormal my childhood was and I remember being so confused because I didn't really notice. Now, if we make plans and I get it set in my mind that that is what we are going to do, if it changes I really struggle with it and don't handle it well.. although I am getting better. I have never liked change. Change in plans, change in time, change in life. As a young kid, when friends would leave after sleep overs, I would be super sad and depressed and unable to go to places where we had been the night before because it made me sad.

8.) No real difficulties in work settings that I know of, other than I don't like it and only want to do what I want to do. I've never liked group projects or teamwork. I'd rather do it all on my own or just sit back and be invisible and let other people do it.

9.) I'm unsure about the motor issues. I'm clumsy, but so is my wife, and I don't know if my clumsiness is more or less than average honestly. I am not very athletic though. I have never been that good at any sport I've tried to play. In elementary school baseball I was put in right field (usually, I later learned, reserved for the worst players). In football I was a lineman because I didn't have the skills to be a quarterback, running back, receiver, or anything that actually touched the ball.


I don't know about my mom honestly. Somebody on here said maybe she didn't notice because she is the same way. I honestly have no idea. I did grow up in a very small town in a very rural part of the American south and they aren't too big on these kinds of things. I honestly have no idea, I wished I had a better response.

Do you have any idea what it could possibly be if not ASD?

Thank you for your comment and I look forward to hearing from you again... I greatly appreciate your time.

 

[Wheelered]

Wheelered,
Hmmm... I haven't thought much about cameras. My mom took photos constantly as a kid. I guess I just did what she asked. I know in video calls that are a thing now bc of covid, I forget alot that people are looking at me and I stare off and look around. I don't know if it's uncomfortable, but I forget it's what people are expecting.
Things catching on stuff for sure, or things like when I throw something at a garbage can and miss or it bounces out, when I stack stuff and if falls over, when my computer is doing something stupid. I once got so mad at my computer that I hit it with that foam wrist pad and the pad broke and I refuse to get another bc I shouldn't have broken it. I smashed one phone screen completely, and now I put a protector on my phones and I've broken the protector alot. When I'm in a good mood I can catch myself and take a breath, but if I'm having a bad day I'm probably going to react dramatically.

And I didn't realize I did the thing where I talk people to death for a long time. My husband pointed it out once humorously and pokes fun about it, which is fine. But then I noticed it at work and how people start drifting away. And then we started spending a lot of time with inlaws and my husband told me I talk them to death and it's annoying. So I developed this anxiety about it now and I won't talk about my interests around people who I don't know well enough. Now I wonder if that's why people don't talk to me at work and why my sister/cousin/aunt in laws don't invite me to the fun stuff the younger family does even tho I've told them I would want to.

I wonder how much masking I do. I don't know what's masking and what's me really. Some of it is obvious but alot isn't. It's hard to figure out.

I really relate to this, especially the last two paragraphs. If you find the answer, please share it with me, haha!

We seem to have a lot in common in that I became quietly similarly to you because of fear of messing up

 

[Wheelered]

Hopefully if you feel that being ND is part of what you are up against, you can factor that in to your thinking and feel like you can let yourself off the hook a bit. Masking is unfortunately often something we may feel obliged to do in a neurotypical dominated society, but we don't have to give ourselves a hard time too.

I did a lot of therapy and self help work over my youth and for many years beyond. It really helped on a lot of levels. Some was expensive, but I also found some cheaper options, such as cocounselling and reading useful self help texts. In the end it's up to me how much I work on myself, a therapist is just a helper, I can work on myself in therapy, in groups, using self help texts, videos, etc.

As motivation can be an issue for us, group therapy and therapy may be a useful support, also offering opportunity for social engagement and progress.

Any recommendations on self-help texts? Any other good books you recommend? BTW, I love your avatar. I have two cats that I love dearly.

 

[unperson]

that was real long, but yuh, you're welcome at the freaks table.

 

[Thinx]

Any recommendations on self-help texts? Any other good books you recommend? BTW, I love your avatar. I have two cats that I love dearly.

It's hard to recommend self help texts for another person, especially not knowing you and what you may want to focus on. Probably best for you to browse in a bookshop or online.

Some find CBT based approaches useful, and I think these do have the potential to help strengthen our thinking and make us less likely to react emotionally without thinking things through, also helping with anxiety.

Some find Transactional Analysis a useful approach to understand how we can act and interact from different positions in our repertoire, often broadly defined as Parent, Adult, Child, and how that may be cued by others, or how we cue them. Also looking at where we got the ideas we have in each of these internal states, and if these are useful and valid, or need amending.

That can also be useful alongside understanding more about attachment processes, how some of us become insecure in childhood and how we can work on becoming more secure as adults, and make our relationships more settled and pleasant.

There's a lot out there that specifically addresses anxiety too, (as all of the approaches above mentioned do in a general sense.)

 

[Wheelered]

Thank you!! One thing I have been doing is Vipassana meditation, and it seems to help

 

[Aspychata]

Perhaps a lot of us here filter thru various levels of self-help. Mediation as you mentioned. Exercise, therapy, massage, journaling, meds, finding an interest to dwell on, coming to this site, managing anxiety. Any and all are great. Some of us go further with habits that aren't so helpful but they are a bandaid to help with relief. Musical instruments are another possibilty. Volunteer work too. But this can be stressful if the organization is too big. I just recently decided to live and not work. This has helped me out.

 

[Suzette]

you for your very kind reply. My anxiety (or brain, or whatever) will not allow me to accept clarity I don't think. Am I really seeing clearly? Am I just worrying? Am I imagining things? Am I making connections that aren't really there because I so desperately want an answer?

I have been travelling today so I haven't been able to keep up with this thread. But it looks like you have not been lonely!

Are you "just worrying" or "making connections that aren't there"? Yes, you are worrying, no, you are not making connections that aren't there.

I felt similar to you when I started investigating. One of my most divisive thoughts was "I can't be autistic. I am too confident and get along in the world pretty well."
Except I don't! I guess due to age and experience I have just gotten comfortable being uncomfortable.

Anyway, before I get off track, I had the thought today accepting oneself as on the spectrum may be more difficult if you think that others are judging or rating how autistic you seem to be. But as we say "If you have met one autistic, you have met ONE autistic". We are all different from one another. You are unique.

Keep doing what you are doing. Comparing yourself to others can bring about insights to areas of thought you were not aware of before. It is also comforting to hear that others have similar experiences and a relief when you hear that not all autistic do the same things, like the same things or are sensitive in the same way.

I also had the thought today that professional assessment can seem like getting validation for your experiences. But the quality of assessments and even quality and quantity of the professionals knowledge can be poor. So having an assessment can actually be less validating that you might hope.

I hope to see you round the board.