Hello everyone I think I am an Aspie

[Lil]

Hello,

I'm self diagnosed but my official status by a clinical psychologist was 'Having several strong autistic tendencies'.

He didn't give a full autism diagnosis as he thought I had a wide variety of interests in science/technology.

(So do many AS scientists and engineers but who am I to argue with a clinical psychologist?)

However, I do score highly as nerdy, socially awkward and have difficulty starting/holding conversations. Have just a few good friends.

I also score well along the AS in online tests.

If I try hard enough I think I can mask quite well. After all, I've been trying to fit in for 77 years and had plenty of practice.

But it takes it's toll in terms of nervous exhaustion.

I reached a crunch point a few days ago when I attended a group of lovely people in a residential setting. After 3 days all I wanted to do was escape and come home to my familiar daily routine but I did manage the planned 4 days. I'm here now typing this and it feels so good to be in my own surroundings and not try to do the impossible.

For me that 'impossible' is following conversations among a group. It is so overwhelming, like drowning in a torrent of words. I'm OK 1:1 and can manage up to 3 people if I know them well enough. So, I did have a few 1:1 interactions. But 9 at mealtimes was impossible so I just sat like a lemon during mealtimes, getting more embarrassed by my own silence and complete inability to contribute. They were quite kind but must have noticed.

So, why have I waited until now to join a forum? Maybe it's my age. I find masking to be so tiring these days. I feel a need to reach out to folk who understand and have found ways of coping.

BTW, I am LGBT and proud of it. It is not a problem for me at all.

So, here I am. I'm very comfortable with online messaging and can happily 'chat' and debate stuff.

I will try to respond if anyone would like to chat.

Lil

 

[Nitro]

 

[Kisa the tea]

Hello and welcome to the forums, Lil! I think you'll enjoy it here! We all have a wide variety of interests and this is a friendly place! Also, we have some subforums dedicated to specific interests. There is one for Computers, Science and Technology if any topics spark your interest. Feel free to make your own topics as well! Let us know if you need help with anything!

 

[tree]

 

[Sablerose]

I just got here yesterday myself. The short story is was looking for help for hubby ended up finding me at almost 60 , self diagnosed at this point but i know deep inside there is no doubt about it. I also have been diagnosed with ocd, adhd and others in my search to get here. I just wanted to say welcome.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

It's never too late to find your home, and "socially awkward" fits in perfectly fine here.

It's good that you have the ability to be yourself and have your own space (and control over things) since burnout is, as you've noted, a very real issue, and we definitely don't want burnout to escalate.

You've probably also found that our community has many double rainbow / spectrum persons.

 

[AspieChris]

He didn't give a full autism diagnosis as he thought I had a wide variety of interests in science

Welcome to your new sanctuary. Dr’s are a great resource but even the best ones might get it wrong occasionally. Based on what you wrote here it sounds like you’re more on the spectrum than you have been told. 70+ years of hiding it probably means you are masking things that you don’t even realize.

I took a trip a couple of years ago. I was about 45 years old and it was a long long way away from home. It was with people I know well, in a very nice house, in a beautiful part of the country. I managed to fit in perfectly for 3 days….. and then I cracked. From one minute to the next I went from the life of the party to having a total meltdown. It was one day before we were scheduled to fly home and those plane tickets weren’t cheap. I was in such a desperate condition that my wife just grabbed the phone and bought new plane tickets that we couldn’t afford because she knew that I desperately needed to be home, somewhere familiar, with my familiar stuff…. I’m sure you know what I mean. I barely remember the meltdown but I clearly remember how matter-of-fact she was about buying plane tickets that cost more than my car (not exaggerating) when we already had tickets to fly home the next day. Fortunately for me, she saw that I wasn’t OK and spending the money was very necessary.

Long story short, your story sounds incredibly familiar to me. I basically do the same thing you described and it’s absolutely exhausting. A few hours out in the world is all I can handle without a lot of determination. A couple of days is just hell, but I can fake it really well if it’s only once in a while (a really long while). But I need to be home to recharge my batteries.

I'm sure that if you continue reading the seemingly random things posted around here, you’ll identify with a lot. Probably start to see that you share traits with all of us that you had no idea could be signs of ASD. But I think you must be an awesome person if you have made it to 77 years and still find energy for a trip like that. Too many of us just can’t do it.

 

[Judge]

Welcome to Autism Forums.

A good place to learn about yourself through directly interacting with others with ASD. Often more revealing than reading dry medical information created by non-autistic professionals.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome! I’m glad you have found us, and I believe that you can probably learn so much here. Looking forward to hearing about your experience in the world, too. Let us know if you need any help finding your way around the forum.

 

[Lil]

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you everyone..your replies are overwhelming, but in a nice way!

AspieChris...yes I can empathise with your almost meltdown and early departure. Your story is so familiar to me. The intense effort of fitting in, the resulting burnout and exhaustion. I think I managed to hang on to the last day because several people left early and there were only 4 of us at the end. I'm still recharging. Its going to take a few days. As I'm getting older I'm tiring more quickly and taking longer to recover.

Victor...I love the 'Double Rainbow/Spectrum' epithet...it fits me perfectly!

The rest of you...I have read your posts and I feel like I belong already. The likes, hearts, trophies etc. are very welcome.

I have a couple of planned trips in the next week or two so will not be around very much for a while. I should be OK with them. One is to see a friend who I know. The following one is self catering accommodation for a weekend away (Whitby). This is good as I can retreat to it if I need a break. I can tolerate busy streets so long as I don't have to interact too much.

I am active in a few LGBT forums so I have an idea of how to start threads and respond to interesting posts etc. I hope I can contribute here as well as get advice and some support. At my age I do have a fair amount of Aspie life experience to draw on and perhaps share.

I've done a few tests already but the results were not numeric. I'll peruse the Resources section and try out some questionnaires to get a score. I would like some numbers. Get myself calibrated, lol! I've already seen some interesting book titles in there.

My bedtime is approaching..goodnight everyone.

 

[Luca]

BTW, I am LGBT and proud of it. It is not a problem for me at all.

^Me too

Welcome, and I’m so glad you’ve found our community. I’m sure you will learn a lot from the people here, and I hope you will share some stories and experiences too. It’s good to have you here!

Feel free to look around at all the different threads and don’t be afraid to ask questions. There are lots of discussion threads about general autism topics, and a lot of off topic threads where you can discuss your interests and just have fun.

Hope you like it here!

 

[Magnus]

Thanks for your posting. I am recently self-diagnosed myself. ASD makes a lot of sense to me, but it is quite surprising and disorienting (at 65 yrs) to discover you have had some kind of "mental illness" all your life without knowing. I put that in quotes because I long ago realised I am different to most people, but I generally thought I was the sane person and the NTs, in general, were not. Bit like Mr Spock, I suppose.

 

[UberScout]

You have arrived at a sanctuary, friend. We are all like you, as you are us.

I can see it in this one.

 

[AspieChris]

Thanks for your posting. I am recently self-diagnosed myself. ASD makes a lot of sense to me, but it is quite surprising and disorienting (at 65 yrs) to discover you have had some kind of "mental illness" all your life without knowing. I put that in quotes because I long ago realised I am different to most people, but I generally thought I was the sane person and the NTs, in general, were not. Bit like Mr Spock, I suppose.

The irony is that what some NT’s see as an “illness” is sometimes more like a super power. If big Pharma could make it into a pill, give it a fancy name, and convince the world that Neuro-Typicalness was the disease…. we would all be the ‘normal’ ones.

 

[Forest Cat]

Hello

 

[Lil]

Hi again everybody. Thank you for yet more welcoming 'hello' messages. I got choked up a bit by them. There's plenty of topic ideas in this thread and I would also like to fill in more details about myself when I get chance.

For now, though..Magnus touched on something I've thought about many times. I've grown up with this 'condition' and it is so much a part of me that a 'cure' is inconceivable..I wouldn't be me any more. There might not be much left at all.

I just had a Google around looking for some words to describe myself and kept coming across medicalised terms such as 'pervasive developmental disorder'. For sure, there are many people described as autistic who are clearly struggling. Such as my nephew who doesn't have speech and needs constant care and attention .

But me? I don't feel I have a developmental disorder, I'm just different...and my obvious social shortcomings are more than compensated for by high abilities in other areas. I'm becoming aware in this very thread of how much we have to offer each other and those 'typical ones' who can't comprehend the world the way we can.

 

[UberScout]

Hi again everybody. Thank you for yet more welcoming 'hello' messages. I got choked up a bit by them. There's plenty of topic ideas in this thread and I would also like to fill in more details about myself when I get chance.

For now, though..Magnus touched on something I've thought about many times. I've grown up with this 'condition' and it is so much a part of me that a 'cure' is inconceivable..I wouldn't be me any more. There might not be much left at all.

I just had a Google around looking for some words to describe myself and kept coming across medicalised terms such as 'pervasive developmental disorder'. For sure, there are many people described as autistic who are clearly struggling. Such as my nephew who doesn't have speech and needs constant care and attention .

But me? I don't feel I have a developmental disorder, I'm just different...and my obvious social shortcomings are more than compensated for by high abilities in other areas. I'm becoming aware in this very thread of how much we have to offer each other and those 'typical ones' who can't comprehend the world the way we can.

It will come to you in time. My friends on the Other Side helped me; you find yours soon

 

[AspieChris]

Hi again everybody. Thank you for yet more welcoming 'hello' messages. I got choked up a bit by them. There's plenty of topic ideas in this thread and I would also like to fill in more details about myself when I get chance.

For now, though..Magnus touched on something I've thought about many times. I've grown up with this 'condition' and it is so much a part of me that a 'cure' is inconceivable..I wouldn't be me any more. There might not be much left at all.

I just had a Google around looking for some words to describe myself and kept coming across medicalised terms such as 'pervasive developmental disorder'. For sure, there are many people described as autistic who are clearly struggling. Such as my nephew who doesn't have speech and needs constant care and attention .

But me? I don't feel I have a developmental disorder, I'm just different...and my obvious social shortcomings are more than compensated for by high abilities in other areas. I'm becoming aware in this very thread of how much we have to offer each other and those 'typical ones' who can't comprehend the world the way we can.

The medical community has a big problem with us. There’s no ‘cure’ for Autism. No cure means no disease to them. No disease means no treatment and no prescription. All of it adds up to no money. PDD can be a giant toilet for them to flush any understanding or care away and point the patient towards a schedule of therapy and pills. If you are labeled as being on the spectrum… there’s not much for a Dr to do, since you’re not ‘diseased’. I myself have been diagnosed as depressed (anti-depression medications and weekly therapy) and bipolar (anti-psychotic medications and weekly therapy). Clearly both were wrong and today nobody’s making any $$ off me because I’m just “on the spectrum”. And after decades of masking my symptoms it would be easy to get a diagnosis of PDD, along with therapy and pills.

For the record: there are plenty of folks who fit into PDD. The approved treatments actually work and their lives improve. And there are plenty of great Drs out there who won’t misdiagnose anyone with ASD. But everyone knows what happened to Michael Jackson. Not all Drs can be trusted…. Particularly Dr Google.

 

[Lil]

Hi all again.

I just spent an interesting hour or so in aspietests.org.

I'm above the AS thresholds in every part of every test. Which I expected.

I'm taking a trip to see a friend tomorrow and my anxiety is already mounting.

I tell myself, 'He is a friend and he likes you, don't be silly.'

But that doesn't stop it. According to the test my camouflaging traits are way over the threshold, I try so hard to be liked.

I know, I know...

 

[AspieChris]

Hi all again.

I just spent an interesting hour or so in aspietests.org.

I'm above the AS thresholds in every part of every test. Which I expected.

I'm taking a trip to see a friend tomorrow and my anxiety is already mounting.

I tell myself, 'He is a friend and he likes you, don't be silly.'

But that doesn't stop it. According to the test my camouflaging traits are way over the threshold, I try so hard to be liked.

I know, I know...

Yes… you know… but do you?

If a police officer stops you for running through a stop sign, don’t you try to sound normal so that he doesn’t assume you’re drunk?

If your boss wants to know why you didn’t come to work yesterday, don’t you lie and say it was the flu? (To sound nornal)

When a friend or potential romantic partner asks a question we tend to lie because we deserve companionship, but we’re really just trying to navigate the world that everyone else has created rules for. We don’t feel the same things as them and we don’t react to things as they do either. None of that means you’re anything less than a very good person. Just don’t blame yourself for ‘trying to be liked’. The Kardashians do it with plastic surgery. You’re just doing it with a little white lie. It’s not necessarily something to be proud of. However… there’s nothing to be ashamed of here either.