Hello everyone

[midlifeiris]

Just recently diagnosed with autism. It has been a long ride and I have been masking my whole life to the point that I am unsure who I really am. I have ADHD and bipolar I as well as some other things like social anxiety and disordered eating.

My latest way to avoid pain is junk food. I have little to no friends in life. I had some in my school days but I have lost touch with all of them.

I feel withdrawn and sad and my caretaker is at their wits end with me - having tried to give me a good life. One of my parents has all but disowned me. In some ways I am high-functioning but it is mostly just a facade. I mimic high vocabulary, laughs, and accents. My emotional IQ is low.

I'm glad to be here and maybe find some comfort.

 

[tree]

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome. Glad you found us. I really think you can find comfort here. I know I have.

Take your time settling in and as you read posts and make your own, I think you will find understanding, camaraderie, and hope.

 

[Kisa the tea]

Hello and welcome to the forums! We would be glad to offer some comfort and support in any way we can. It seems like you've been having a very rough time lately. I hope you're able to find some helpful advice or comfort while you're on here.

 

[Outdated]

Many of us here feel the same sadness and loneliness you do, you're not alone.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome! I'm another one of those whom like the above have found a home here, and whether you choose to post, lurk, be a regular, or pop in now and then, I hope you find a home here as well.

 

[Luca]

Welcome!

You are among like-minded, caring people here

 

[Alexej]

Hi @midlifeiris

I too recognise many of the things you describe in your intro.

There are many others in here who share these struggles, and challenges.
Welcome

 

[Nitro]

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I understand the bit about masking until I don’t known who I am. Now that you know you’re autistic, things/life will start to make more sense.

 

[midlifeiris]

I am letting my boss and a select few coworkers know of my recent autism diagnosis. It is very free-ing and they are very understanding. I work in retail and it is not a very stressful job right now especially during summer months. The job attracts a lot of different kinds of people...it seems to be either retiree age peeps or students who happen to be some form of LBGTQ+ (hope I said that right)...all of the female persuasion.

The mask is coming down. I'm allowing myself to stem a little bit. I am in the habit currently of hugging myself a lot with crossed arms which isn't very open body language. I learned as a very young child to sit perfectly still and let my mind do the wondering. My only stemming was jumping up and down when very excited or twirling my hair in class. I got in trouble for that once in the first grade because I was zoned out.

Is anyone else on the spectrum familiar with using music to totally defocus but at the same time hyperfocus on lyrics, notes, rhythm changes, drums, etc. My parents would fight in the car when I was a kid but I would zone into the music and completely tune them out. Defense mechanism anyone? We'd listen to the same CD or tape over and over. I remember a Jamaican tape of Sunsplash 1981 - A tribute to Bob Marley. I memorized not only the song lyrics which were not clear "English" but also the Jamaican banter between songs. Again not clear English. As I grew up lyrics would become a safety net to drift into when bored. Then as a 22 year old and manic and delusional as hell, I would quote Smiths lyrics on repeat. My parents and friends were very concerned because some of the lyrics were quite dark..."I am the ghost of troubled Joe" "I killed a horse I can't help the way I feel" "blah blah blah."

On a trip with my cousins where supposedly I wasn't manic, I quoted Paul Simon's entire Graceland album the entire time. Why they didn't suspect something was not quite right with me I don't know.

In college I spent about a month with a British accent. I'm a southern American through and through. Where these signs of a diagnosis to come?

 

[Human Avatar]

@midlifeiris

Yes stimming to music is something I do for hours daily . Have done this since age 5 .

It keeps my mind occupied with all the patterns and layers . It’s my favorite world to be inside

 

[midlifeiris]

Ah, spelled stimming I see. Forgive me for those and other spelling errors. Can you stim with just your mind hyper focusing on music? Perhaps lyrics were and are my special interest. But I love classical music too. I played the violin for a long time. Never got very good. But I loved the music and the comradery of the orchestra.

 

[Human Avatar]

@midlifeiris
Yes I can in my mind breaking down the music , also even when not listening can think of music and break it down as well. that’s great you played violin ! Violin seems very hard to play , I play Guitar , drums , bass , piano and mandolin .

Also fidget spinners are great for stimming as well , there are many other tools to use as well

 

[Human Avatar]

@midlifeiris

My favorite classical composer is Beethoven. I really like film scores as well especially by Bernard Herrmann and Danny Elfman, the countermelody techniques they use are amazing

 

[midlifeiris]

@midlifeiris

My favorite classical composer is Beethoven. I really like film scores as well especially by Bernard Herrmann and Danny Elfman, the countermelody techniques they use are amazing

I don't know who my favorite composer is but I love Dvorak, especially the Serenade for Strings. I don't know a lot of composers except the easier stuff that a high school or middle school orchestra would play.

I'll have to check out Herrmann and Elfman...I've heard some of their stuff already as I tried film school for a little while...it was too stressful for me socially. Also too many late nights up editing. Little did I know I'd be diagnosed with social anxiety and bipolar soon after. Don't even know the term countermelody but I can imagine it goes against the melody?

 

[Human Avatar]

@midlifeiris

I don't know who my favorite composer is but I love Dvorak, especially the Serenade for Strings. I don't know a lot of composers except the easier stuff that a high school or middle school orchestra would play.

I will check of Dvorak , I am not familiar with his work. It will give me something new to listen to tonight .

I'll have to check out Herrmann and Elfman...I've heard some of their stuff already as I tried film school for a little while...it was too stressful for me socially.

Let me know what you think , Some Hermman material could get weird at times especially “The Day The Earth Stood Still” soundtrack “Prelude Outer Space” is really one of my favorites, if you like Strings Citizen Kane soundtrack!. Elfman- Beetlejuice , Edward Scissor Hands soundtracks amazing! His style complements Tim Burton films so well , just as Bernard Herrmann’s with Alfred Hitchcock.

That’s interesting film school , I think that is something I would have enjoyed minus all the people , I understand the social anxiety believe me .

Also too many late nights up editing. Little did I know I'd be diagnosed with social anxiety and bipolar soon after.

Hopefully the diagnosis helped ?

Counter Melody is amazing , it’s two separate melodies, working in conjunction with each other .when I write string or horn sections I really like to use it . Especially if the melody is in a Major Key I will write a counter melody in the relative Minor

So if melody key is A-flat major I will write counter in Fminor .

Sorry for the info Dumping

 

[midlifeiris]

Awesome, first, the Prelude to Outerspace is spooky but pretty cool. Second, Citizen Kane soundtrack is really good...I've seen the movie twice but didn't even notice the music. When I'm watching a movie I sometimes don't pick up on the music which actually can be a good thing. Meaning it's helping the story not overpowering it. My favorite film composer is Mark Knofler because of a little movie about Scotland called Local Hero. Also, I love all Wes Anderson film soundtracks. Love the Danny Elfman stuff. Alfred Hitchcock movies and soundtracks are fantastic. Never thought to seek out the music by itself!! My favorite Hitchcock is Notorious with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman. I like all the classics - Casablanca, etc.

The bipolar and social anxiety diagnosis helped but the medication and therapy was just like a bandaid that keeps falling off. My autism diagnosis seems to actually be helping me live better. In film school I found out that I have an unusual sensory experience in movies that I seek out and like but it's like I go into the film. I'm sucked in overpowered and I can't even discuss it after. My mom is on the spectrum and she can enjoy movies and talk about them after. I'm like in a dazed sometimes pleasant mood shift either up or down.

Sidenote when I was little I was afraid of IMAX theaters because of the sensory overload and a feeling of being in the film. That was 30 years ago. I can watch IMAX now and try to keep myself out of it.

I don't know how to quote you @330 except to do that, but that's so cool that you write music! Keep on keeping on!