manillaroad
Active Member
Hello everyone,
I am a 32 year old male in Canada. I am not diagnosed, but over the past year have been feeling more and more that I am on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. It was something I'd never considered (always thought I was just a weird, anxious and awkward person), until talking about it with my sister (her daughter is autistic and my sister works for an autism based non-profit), and as I started to learn more about autism the more things really started to add up.
I'd always been a very solitary child. I had plenty friends at school but did not like having friends over, and liked even less the idea of going to their house. I always just wanted to play on my own. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable at being somehwere unfamiliar, having to eat food I wasn't used to (I was an incredibly picky eater, with specific ways of eating relating to the order in which I eat the different foods on a plate, and those foods could never touch), and had all kinds of anxiety relating to having to use a bathroom that wasn't my own. My parents would get me exempt from certain school activities because it would make me so uncomfortable and upset. I was exempt from PE in middle school because the thought of getting changed in front of other people in the locker room was too overwhelming. I would ring my hands continously when anxious (my dad referred to it as my "worry hands"). I still do fidget with my hands when anxious, though now it's more like rubbing my thumb against my index finger.
I was bullied in middle school, and became so anxious and depressed that I was home schooled for the rest of grade school. Depression has been a major factor in my life ever since. I lost all my friends and had very lonely teenage years (my only friends as a teenager were adults) until going to college and slowly started making friends my own age again. I have always found socializing very difficult. I love spending time with my friends, but if it's people I don't know well I get very uncomfortabel and even upset if I feel I don't fit in with them. Through working with the public I've learned to mask it well enough, but find it really weighs on me after awhile. It feels like I have to constantly force myself to seem "normal" in order to function and it can be exhausting. Dating was incredibly uncomfortable. I've never been able to tell if someone is flirting with me, or even really been able to understand the difference between flirting and just friendly chatting unless it's obviously sexual. Likewise, I had a very hard time reading body language to tell if someone was interested in me or not. I feel I'm alright with reading regular social situations fairly well at this point (though I'm rather awkward and often uncomfortable), but when it came to dating I was hopeless. It feels like a miracle I've been able to have relatiosnships!
I've always been very sensitive, and can be upset pretty easily. I can struggle with intense emotions, like anger, and in times of great emotional stress I can shut down. I go very quiet and find it very difficult to say anything. My mind goes blank. I've recently been reading about autistic shutdown and it really sounds like that's what I experience. I've long felt like I process emotions and feelings toward other people in a way that isn't really normal, but had trouble really describing it.
I have a lot of routines and ways I like things done and find it upsetting when these things are disrupted or done differently by someone else.
I have a few hobbies that I am incredibly passionate about, and they take up a very large part of my time. I can feel frustrated if I don't get to do them, like if my partner wants to watch a movie when I want to work on hobby stuff, and it can make me feel uncomfortable and distant. In general I can be quite distant and it has caused problems in past relationships. I don't often like to cuddle and prefer to sit on my own. I need a lot of time to be alone or even just to do things seperately from my partner with friends. And this can be very upsetting to my partner and I feel bad about that.
There's a lot of other things I could list but this post is already getting too long. I feel that autism would really explain so much about me. And I really don't know how I feel about that. On one hand it would make so many things clear and maybe allow me to live a bit more honestly. But it also makes me feel sad, like there really is something wrong with me instead of just being a bit awkward. And to be clear, I don't mean that in a condescending way towards anyone with autism, nor that I think there is anything wrong with any of you. It's more me being hard on me and struggling to come to terms with who I am. I have looked into getting an official diagnosis, but the cost here is very steep (at least 2000 dollars). I have a read a bit about self identifying but feel very conflicted about it. I have done many online tests/questionnaires and every single one I've done I've scored postively into the spectrum. I feel like an official diagnosis is what would make me really accept it (I have always been very particular about following rules and things being official). But the cost is so high, and part of me also fears the doctor saying they don't think I'm on the spectrum and that would leave me feeling even more confused and lost. On the other hand, I feel somewhat uncomfortable with self diagnosis, as though I'm co-opting something that might not be mine.
So I guess what I'm looking for with this long rambling post is to hear how people in the autism community feel about self diagnosis? Do I sound like someone who could self diagnosis with some degree of confidence? I'm sure I've forgotten more of my traits that fit in the spectrum, but this post is already far too long!
And lastly, I'm curious to hear about how others came to realize they are or might be on the spectrum as adults?
Thank you for making it through this convoluted post!
Edit:
A few more things that just came to mind:
- I have a very hard time with eye contact. I really like wearing sunglasses when outside as I feel it gives a barrier that I can hide behind.
- I feel very uncomfortable with what to do with my hands when talking. I like to wear jackets with pockets so I can keep my hands in there. I've never been one to talk with my hands, and feel like I never know what to do with them and end up holding them in some way that feels awkward.
- I have near encyclopedic knowledge of things that I am interested in, but can struggle to pay attention or retain information relating to things I'm not interested in. If I become interested in something then I want to learn as much as I can about it, in a somewhat obsessive way.
I am a 32 year old male in Canada. I am not diagnosed, but over the past year have been feeling more and more that I am on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. It was something I'd never considered (always thought I was just a weird, anxious and awkward person), until talking about it with my sister (her daughter is autistic and my sister works for an autism based non-profit), and as I started to learn more about autism the more things really started to add up.
I'd always been a very solitary child. I had plenty friends at school but did not like having friends over, and liked even less the idea of going to their house. I always just wanted to play on my own. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable at being somehwere unfamiliar, having to eat food I wasn't used to (I was an incredibly picky eater, with specific ways of eating relating to the order in which I eat the different foods on a plate, and those foods could never touch), and had all kinds of anxiety relating to having to use a bathroom that wasn't my own. My parents would get me exempt from certain school activities because it would make me so uncomfortable and upset. I was exempt from PE in middle school because the thought of getting changed in front of other people in the locker room was too overwhelming. I would ring my hands continously when anxious (my dad referred to it as my "worry hands"). I still do fidget with my hands when anxious, though now it's more like rubbing my thumb against my index finger.
I was bullied in middle school, and became so anxious and depressed that I was home schooled for the rest of grade school. Depression has been a major factor in my life ever since. I lost all my friends and had very lonely teenage years (my only friends as a teenager were adults) until going to college and slowly started making friends my own age again. I have always found socializing very difficult. I love spending time with my friends, but if it's people I don't know well I get very uncomfortabel and even upset if I feel I don't fit in with them. Through working with the public I've learned to mask it well enough, but find it really weighs on me after awhile. It feels like I have to constantly force myself to seem "normal" in order to function and it can be exhausting. Dating was incredibly uncomfortable. I've never been able to tell if someone is flirting with me, or even really been able to understand the difference between flirting and just friendly chatting unless it's obviously sexual. Likewise, I had a very hard time reading body language to tell if someone was interested in me or not. I feel I'm alright with reading regular social situations fairly well at this point (though I'm rather awkward and often uncomfortable), but when it came to dating I was hopeless. It feels like a miracle I've been able to have relatiosnships!
I've always been very sensitive, and can be upset pretty easily. I can struggle with intense emotions, like anger, and in times of great emotional stress I can shut down. I go very quiet and find it very difficult to say anything. My mind goes blank. I've recently been reading about autistic shutdown and it really sounds like that's what I experience. I've long felt like I process emotions and feelings toward other people in a way that isn't really normal, but had trouble really describing it.
I have a lot of routines and ways I like things done and find it upsetting when these things are disrupted or done differently by someone else.
I have a few hobbies that I am incredibly passionate about, and they take up a very large part of my time. I can feel frustrated if I don't get to do them, like if my partner wants to watch a movie when I want to work on hobby stuff, and it can make me feel uncomfortable and distant. In general I can be quite distant and it has caused problems in past relationships. I don't often like to cuddle and prefer to sit on my own. I need a lot of time to be alone or even just to do things seperately from my partner with friends. And this can be very upsetting to my partner and I feel bad about that.
There's a lot of other things I could list but this post is already getting too long. I feel that autism would really explain so much about me. And I really don't know how I feel about that. On one hand it would make so many things clear and maybe allow me to live a bit more honestly. But it also makes me feel sad, like there really is something wrong with me instead of just being a bit awkward. And to be clear, I don't mean that in a condescending way towards anyone with autism, nor that I think there is anything wrong with any of you. It's more me being hard on me and struggling to come to terms with who I am. I have looked into getting an official diagnosis, but the cost here is very steep (at least 2000 dollars). I have a read a bit about self identifying but feel very conflicted about it. I have done many online tests/questionnaires and every single one I've done I've scored postively into the spectrum. I feel like an official diagnosis is what would make me really accept it (I have always been very particular about following rules and things being official). But the cost is so high, and part of me also fears the doctor saying they don't think I'm on the spectrum and that would leave me feeling even more confused and lost. On the other hand, I feel somewhat uncomfortable with self diagnosis, as though I'm co-opting something that might not be mine.
So I guess what I'm looking for with this long rambling post is to hear how people in the autism community feel about self diagnosis? Do I sound like someone who could self diagnosis with some degree of confidence? I'm sure I've forgotten more of my traits that fit in the spectrum, but this post is already far too long!
And lastly, I'm curious to hear about how others came to realize they are or might be on the spectrum as adults?
Thank you for making it through this convoluted post!
Edit:
A few more things that just came to mind:
- I have a very hard time with eye contact. I really like wearing sunglasses when outside as I feel it gives a barrier that I can hide behind.
- I feel very uncomfortable with what to do with my hands when talking. I like to wear jackets with pockets so I can keep my hands in there. I've never been one to talk with my hands, and feel like I never know what to do with them and end up holding them in some way that feels awkward.
- I have near encyclopedic knowledge of things that I am interested in, but can struggle to pay attention or retain information relating to things I'm not interested in. If I become interested in something then I want to learn as much as I can about it, in a somewhat obsessive way.
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