Hello, I am starting a relationship with someone who has Aspergers.

[Rodafina]

I'm sorry I have come across in such an unpleasant way, with you. I just don't know how else to relay my situation so that I can get the help and advice that I feel I need to bee successful at this relationship.

Start reading. So much of what you are looking for has already been posted here, and you can sort through the posts and read as much as you want. You could learn a lot more by thoroughly reading our posts and the experiences that we share with each other than having us guess about this person that we have such limited information on. You are not unwelcome here, but you don’t have to present your potential partner as something you are trying to figure out.

There’s a good amount of people who come here to try to understand their autistic partner, and it feels disrespectful to the one they supposedly like or love. All I can share with you is my experience that if someone was interested in me and they were talking about me on a public forum in this way and I found out about it, that would be the end.

I do appreciate that you have good intentions here, and like I said I will not be the only opinion, but this happens often here and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

[mylife2023]

I can respect that. I will dig a little more on the board. I was just so excited to find a place that was recommended by so many people. Hope you have an amazing day!

 

[Rodafina]

I can respect that. I will dig a little more on the board. I was just so excited to find a place that was recommended by so many people. Hope you have an amazing day!

Thank you, that’s very kind of you. Really, keep in mind that I am a solitary opinion. We are all different.

As you can see here…

Lovely post, mylife2023. I wish people I was in relationships with had taken such time to get to know me.

I also hope that you have a lovely day.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Personally, I think it is perfectly fine for you to discuss your partner and your feelings regarding him here if you think it will help you, as that's ultimately what the forum is for. However, I advice against unilaterally diagnosing your partner without discussing the subject with him first, regardless of the amount of research you have done. No matter how many specialists you have talked with, it won't necessarily mean that he'll agree with your assessment, or feel comfortable being perceived as such.

I often feel like people care too much about the autism angle of issues like that, since everyone with autism is different anyways. Autism is not be itself an excuse nor an explanation for anyone's behaviour. What actually matters is their pattern of thought, experiences and feelings, and those are highly dependent on the individual. I agree with some other posters that it might be helpful to search the forums for mentions of "shutdown" or "meltdown" so that you can see people describe what is going on in their minds, what makes it worse, what helps, and what can't be helped.

 

[mylife2023]

Again, I have no intention of trying to tell him he is or may be. His life is seemingly content and right now I am just trying to get to know him a little deeper and work on opening up. I am trying to meet him where he is and be as informed as I can be so that I don’t go into fight or flight at the first sign of an issue.

I’m trying to learn this “foreign”language before I go on this journey to him.

I am trying to be very sensitive to where he is right now, not preparing to drop a “ I think you may have a form of autism” on him

I am growing to care very deeply about this person and when I jump, I want it to be forever if that’s possible.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I have researched aspergers in regards to my children, years ago, ...

In the last month I have read three books, visited multiple sites and adjusted the way that I text and ...

Any help with navigating this would be greatly appreciateed.

You do check some boxes too. Have you read about "twice exceptional women"?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/worrier-warrior/201511/the-twice-exceptional-adult
You migth be one. Reading 3 books to adapt yourself to your crush is not exactly normal.

I think you are doing already great with the undiagnosed poor guy that is about to be tamed.

 

[mylife2023]

You do check some boxes too. Have you read about "twice exceptional women"?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/worrier-warrior/201511/the-twice-exceptional-adult
You migth be one. Reading 3 books to adapt yourself to your crush is not exactly normal.

I think you are doing already great with the undiagnosed poor guy that is about to be tamed.

No but I’ll look that up! I’ve taken online tests and scores borderline…

 

[Atrapa Almas]

No but I’ll look that up! I’ve taken online tests and scores borderline…

After posting I have read the other answers about how wrong is to diagnose others...

To realize I just did diagnosed you and with way less data. Lol.

Good luck on your Quest. I would have done the same that you are doing. I almost investigated my current wife to know her better. And she did the same on me.

Today I am a happy tamed man.

 

[Rodafina]

Today I am a happy tamed man.

I prefer wild free! But this is just further evidence that we are all different. And clearly we can still get along, because the tamed soul catcher is a friend of mine.

OP, it would be a pretty useful idea to focus on yourself and the things that you’ve already noticed in yourself like a strong fight or flight response. We can definitely help you with that.

I deal better with primary sources, myself.

 

[Tom]

 

[mylife2023]

You do check some boxes too. Have you read about "twice exceptional women"?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/worrier-warrior/201511/the-twice-exceptional-adult
You migth be one. Reading 3 books to adapt yourself to your crush is not exactly normal.

I think you are doing already great with the undiagnosed poor guy that is about to be tamed.

Goodness. I just read that and wow. I have always struggled with being organized. I’ve spent hundred of dollars on organization things and even spent two day rebuilding my closet so that every thing had a place. Two days later everything was back like it was and I was standing on my head digging through things, trying to find something to wear. I hate hangers and wish I could just leave all my clothes out so I could see and remember what I have. I basically only wear the same five shirts and pairs of pants anyways.

I buy expensive planners and apps to help keep me organized and fill them all out and still forget where I’m going and when.

I can organize other people and their lives but mine is chaotic.

I have a new Apt but can’t decide on long term items like rugs and couches. So, I’m sleeping in an air matteress for three months now. That’s all the furniture I have and I have money to buy it.

 

[Uppity Creek]

This reminded me a bit of another situation I was in: a woman who I barely knew called me out of the blue one day. (I had a small business at the time, so it was easy for her to find my number.) She asked if I wanted to go out for a drink sometime. Well, first, consider who I am, this socially awkward guy who doesn't think any woman would be very interested. On top of that, I'm a strict teetotaler who doesn't like bars and has concerns with woman who imbibe. So, without knowing it, she came at me with a wet blanket! With some work, had we talked a bit, she still could have talked me into lunch somewhere. As it was, I just didn't know how to handle the situation and responded without commitment. When she persisted, I answered truthfully that I had was seeing someone (though that relationship wasn't real serious at that point .)

I later learned that woman was real trouble with quite a reputation, and had just come out of a messy divorce. I was oblivious to that when she called.

 

[Brian B]

I married my wife in 2007 and never thought about autism. About 6 months into the pandemic and working at home with my wife everyday, my wife wondered out loud about whether or not I am on the spectrum. Eventually, I got diagnosed and here I am. Ideally, you should just try to get to know him as much as you can. Try to focus on finding areas of mutual interest, and spend time doing that. If you really like him find out what he likes and try to like it too. He may or may not want to find out if he is on the spectrum. But you should build a relationship first and maybe later you can ask him if he ever thought he was on the spectrum. Its probably better not to draw conclusions, but to just ask questions and hear the responses. But get to know him first. Good luck with everything.

 

[mylife2023]

I married my wife in 2007 and never thought about autism. About 6 months into the pandemic and working at home with my wife everyday, my wife wondered out loud about whether or not I am on the spectrum. Eventually, I got diagnosed and here I am. Ideally, you should just try to get to know him as much as you can. Try to focus on finding areas of mutual interest, and spend time doing that. If you really like him find out what he likes and try to like it too. He may or may not want to find out if he is on the spectrum. But you should build a relationship first and maybe later you can ask him if he ever thought he was on the spectrum. Its probably better not to draw conclusions, but to just ask questions and hear the responses. But get to know him first. Good luck with everything.

Is it wrong that it doesn't matter if he is or not? I am just getting to know him and if it becomes more and more clear that he is; and I am preparing myself and making the adjustments in my OWN thinking and way of doing things, so that being in a potential relationship isn't as difficult for both of us, then why add that stress? I mean, I'm not naive, I realize that over time it will most likely be talked about but that's just not at the forefront of my mind when thinking about our relationship.

Fire away. I'm open to learning whatever and pondering any thoughts on this.

 

[Brian B]

Is it wrong that it doesn't matter if he is or not? I am just getting to know him and if it becomes more and more clear that he is; and I am preparing myself and making the adjustments in my OWN thinking and way of doing things, so that being in a potential relationship isn't as difficult for both of us, then why add that stress? I mean, I'm not naive, I realize that over time it will most likely be talked about but that's just not at the forefront of my mind when thinking about our relationship.

Fire away. I'm open to learning whatever and pondering any thoughts on this.

There is nothing wrong with that. Its better to like someone for their whole self, than to like someone for a particular aspect of them. I think you just need to learn as much about him as possible and see if you are well matched.

 

[mylife2023]

There is nothing wrong with that. Its better to like someone for their whole self, than to like someone for a particular aspect of them. I think you just need to learn as much about him as possible and see if you are well matched.

I am trying, but it's a slow process. He lets out a little bit at a time. But I have to admit, I like the slow pace and trying not to overthink, which is so hard for me. It's ironic, I'm learning a lot about myself in getting to know HIM.... Ive also begun to understand my adult daughter who I now believe, may be more on the spectrum than I thought.