Hi everyone,
At this point I am self-diagnosed. I’m 40 almost 41 and my 16-year-old son has been telling me for a while he thinks I have ASD (he said Asperger’s but that’s apparently not used anymore?). I never really thought anything about it, tbh I thought he was joking, not meanly but just joking. The other day he explicitly told me he wasn’t joking, that he was serious. That hit home. My heart knew he was accurate.
All at once, everything changed and nothing changed. I’m still me, of course, but so much clicked into place. Things like my obsessions, my inability to make or maintain real friendships, my ability to intensely concentrate and research or build systems, my freak-outs if a dead strand of hair is on me, my ability to problem-solve, my exaggerated startle reflex, the fact that I’ve had Jingle Bells stuck in my head for at least 38 years. I’ve decided it’s both a malicious Christmas carol and oddly comforting.
The thing I’ve been struggling with is emotionally processing my resentment and disappointment for not finding out earlier. I work so hard at being in this world and I’ve always thought it was my fault that I made things harder than they need to be, why can’t I just be normal, just means I need to work harder at it, right?! I’m successful in terms of career, I run two companies, one is mildly technical, and one is a private practice for wellness counseling where I focus on stress and anxiety management and reduction. I’m fortunate that I have found a way to use my talents for what I love to do, I realize that. But it has been a very difficult road paved with anxiety, stress, and loneliness. I’m happy that there's a place I can be my own brand of me. Thanks for reading!
At this point I am self-diagnosed. I’m 40 almost 41 and my 16-year-old son has been telling me for a while he thinks I have ASD (he said Asperger’s but that’s apparently not used anymore?). I never really thought anything about it, tbh I thought he was joking, not meanly but just joking. The other day he explicitly told me he wasn’t joking, that he was serious. That hit home. My heart knew he was accurate.
All at once, everything changed and nothing changed. I’m still me, of course, but so much clicked into place. Things like my obsessions, my inability to make or maintain real friendships, my ability to intensely concentrate and research or build systems, my freak-outs if a dead strand of hair is on me, my ability to problem-solve, my exaggerated startle reflex, the fact that I’ve had Jingle Bells stuck in my head for at least 38 years. I’ve decided it’s both a malicious Christmas carol and oddly comforting.
The thing I’ve been struggling with is emotionally processing my resentment and disappointment for not finding out earlier. I work so hard at being in this world and I’ve always thought it was my fault that I made things harder than they need to be, why can’t I just be normal, just means I need to work harder at it, right?! I’m successful in terms of career, I run two companies, one is mildly technical, and one is a private practice for wellness counseling where I focus on stress and anxiety management and reduction. I’m fortunate that I have found a way to use my talents for what I love to do, I realize that. But it has been a very difficult road paved with anxiety, stress, and loneliness. I’m happy that there's a place I can be my own brand of me. Thanks for reading!
