Hello! I'm new.

[Gerald Wilgus]

Watch that resentment. Right now I am working on intense anger and resentment with CPTSD from social and sexual isolation during my teen and young adult years. My parents, teachers, siblings and peers all saw that isolation and did nothing. All the messages I got were gratuitously cruel.

 

[Berkana]

But then, as I studied and ruminated my life history over the past couple of years, I have lost much of the resentment and regret. As hard as life was, I feel confident that if I was diagnosed younger, it would have changed the outcome of my life. I believe that we are all a product of our environment and experiences. Those hard, traumatic experiences has shaped me to who I am today.

Thanks for this, I am fluctuating between wishing I knew earlier and being almost grateful I didn't. Yesterday I was on a plane and the moments in my life that were so text book kept popping up for me, I made a list of them and will continue adding, I'm sure. There's a large part of me that wonders if it would have been worse for myself and others to know. Not in an ashamed way (I'm not, I'm actually relieved now) but in an ... I don't know I would have done or tried all the things in life I have so far if I didn't have to push through them. Now, that's a problem because there's also the other side of if life hadn't been so hard what could I have done. But it's a paradox I've been thinking about today.

 

[Berkana]

Has the anger and resentment from my early life disappeared? I am afraid the answer to that is 'not really' but I have managed to gain a enough enlightenment to let go of a lot of it. The thing is, even though I know it is pointless and inflammatory, I can't help wondering how my life might have been different if I fit in better, but then I realize if that were the case, i would not have had some of the unigue experiences that I stumbled into, and enjoyed. It is a form of mental ping-pong where no clear winner ever gets established. But all in all, I am comfortable and moving forward.

WELCOME to the forum!

Thanks for this thought, Richelle. I get that. Something I've realized with myself is that my emotions/feelings don't actually go away, I just get better at working with them. The more I notice them, feel them, breathe through them, the better I feel. I used to wish I was different, more easy going... Less spazzy, I used to say. Over time I've come to begin the acceptance stage. Then this new realization of asd really helped accelerate a new level of self- acceptance. This level is all new to me but I'm enjoying it for the moment.

 

[Berkana]

Watch that resentment. Right now I am working on intense anger and resentment with CPTSD from social and sexual isolation during my teen and young adult years. My parents, teachers, siblings and peers all saw that isolation and did nothing. All the messages I got were gratuitously cruel.

I will, thank you. I'm thinking I'll have some difficult days and some easier ones. I worked through a lot of my terrible childhood in therapy. In my mind and heart it was so hard to think I didn't matter enough for others to care about. And whether it was true or not, it's how it felt. And working though those heavy feelings will probably be a part of my lifelong work.