Thanks for responding Accelorator, Tom and Beguiling Orbit (I am trying to daily turn it over to God, just also want to do what I can practically to help =) I appreciate any advice or input I can get!
When I explain myself, I try to use examples from my brother's own life that I think would help him understand (i.e. 'remember when John said this and it hurt you. When you call me stupid and lazy it hurts too'), but he either ignores me, doesn't change or gets more mad at me for pointing it out. I will try to continue to look for a way I can communicate with him more clearly.
No, Calvin (my brother) hasn't been diagnosed with anything else. He's never had any therapy or has seen a mental health professional to my knowledge. I'm fairly certain of that.
He's SUPER passive aggressive. To use a real example, he came home from work one time and set his stuff on top of the printer. My sister than asked him to please move it because she needed to plug her laptop in and print something. He exploded and was slamming doors, yelling at her, stomping through the house, going on about how he's gone all day and can't be home 5 minutes without someone getting on him. How we never give him alone time. Being very dramatic and sarcastic with us, and overall hurtful.
Therefore, I think he bates me and others into trying to fight and argue with him because then he has an 'excuse' to spew his anger on us. Because when he's mad he will generally jump around to other subjects and past offences or bring up other problems he has with us that are completely unrelated to what's going on. I think he just enjoys fighting and the drama. He would say otherwise, but I see a lot of evidence that he loves to stir people up.
Following is the huge issue I was talking about. For their privacy I've changed the names. I've tried to explain it as best as I can without bias, but it's complicated:
My sister in law (Amy) has accused one of Calvin's friend's (Barry) of sexually abusing/assaulting her (I don't know all the details and haven't asked her for them). It happened a few years ago when Barry was best friends with my other brother Joe (Amy's husband).
At the time Amy didn't take any legal action or come forward with it. I don't know all her reasons, but many victims don't speak up when it happens. I'm sure her reasons were similar. Sadly, the few people she did tell at the time stressed forgiveness. Barry even admitted to doing it at the time but it happened more than once and I don't think he's ever admitted his wrong and apologized or anything.
Amy has tried to heal from this and follow the advice she was given until she couldn't any longer and came forward with it. It's too late to take legal action, but she completely wants Barry out of her life and my families lives.
Joe ended the friendship and completely cut ties (the rest of us already didn't have any relationship with Barry, he wasn't really friends with Calvin yet). But after a few months, Barry reached out to Calvin and they've been hanging out a lot (There is reason to believe that one reason Barry did this was to continue to have a foothold in Joe and Amy's life - Which is why Amy didn't want Barry to have any contact with the family).
Calvin is also very generous with his money and has attracted a lot of users as his 'friends' over the years. He's very stubborn and doesn't listen to us until he gets burned. Barry shows a lot of signs of being a user, and my family and I fear that's one of his reasons for spending time with Calvin.
It finally came out that Calvin has heard both sides of the story and doesn't believe Amy. He has been very rude to her and Joe, calling them dramatic liars (among other things I've tried to forget). Calvin says that Barry told him that Amy made it up to get him out of Joe's life because she didn't like him.
Joe and Amy have told Calvin that if he doesn't believe them and wants to continue to be friends with Barry when he abused Amy, then they can't have any relationship with him. Calvin has chosen Barry.
They have tried a few times to get things resolved, but Calvin is very stubborn and convinced he's right. He's said he will apologize only if they can prove that Barry did it. After this much time though, there is no evidence.
I have taken Joe and Amy's side in this (as most everyone has except Calvin's other suspected user/friend, James). I got in a huge fight with Calvin when he was calling Joe and Amy names, and just generally running them down in front of me. It ended when I told him that if he continued to side with Barry that I didn't want anything more to do with him and I was going to ignore him and not speak to him at all.
I haven't said a word to him in several weeks now. The only time he hears my voice is when I'm talking to someone else. He continues to verbally abuse me by calling me names and being overall rude to me, trying to bate me probably. But I have remained firm.
I struggle with my own issues: Clinical depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, severe anxiety. The way he treats me just fuels all of this! The times I've harmed myself the most were in response to how Calvin treated me.
Please do not judge me too harshly. For my own well-being and conscience I can't continue to give him a foothold in my life with the way he has been acting and treating me and those I love. He has shown zero remorse over his words and actions. He's even been telling my mom that he doesn't really have any reason not to haul off and punch me (he's pretty strong and stocky in appearance so I wouldn't stand a chance). When he is home, I mostly stay in my bedroom with the door locked.
Even though I completely ignore him now, I was really struggling before this because he's someone who is always looking for something to start a fight with me over. I can't win with him no matter what I do. At least this way, we don't fight with each other and the house is more peaceful.
[My parent's own two homes. They live in the country while Calvin and I live in the city. Our parents let us stay here rent free so we can save our money until we get better careers/jobs where we can move our on our own. All we do is pay utilities. I've recently passed some schooling so that I can get a better paying job and can afford my own place. I'm looking/applying now (all my emotional/mental issues have really been a set back for me). I want to get out ASAP. Right now, it's just Calvin and me in the house though.]
My parents care about Calvin, but all they do is talk to him and encourage him to grow up and be more responsible (he hasn't really). They still do things for him that he probably should have learned himself years ago. I don't know if kicking him out of the house would help him mature (A sink or swim approach) but what they're doing now isn't really working. I worry about Calvin and what he plans to do when my parents die, but I also hate the idea of my parents dropping the ball and leaving him for me and siblings to take care of.
My parents plan to change their wills so that me (or another sibling) would be his trustee and give him his inheritance in small amounts so that he can't blow through it fast - or so that his user friends don't cheat him out of it (to give you an example of how immature my parents see him).
He has never had any professional help with his Asperger's (support groups, therapy, counseling). I don't know if it would do him any good, but he's never tried.
Calvin shows little to zero interest in learning life skills that would benefit him. I tried to go through a book on reading people's body language once (he struggles with reading social cues) and we didn't make it beyond the first chapter. He has done little to nothing to try to help my family understand him, even when we gently, patiently ask him.
Thanks for reading this far! I'm willing to listen to anyone who wants to share wisdom or advice. Giving me a perspective so that I can better understand him. I've been at the end of my rope for a long time now and I think my parents are too. I just want to understand him more if I can. Thanks for any help that you may offer.
