Hello

[Ineedanswers]

where do I start, i just discovered my husband is on the spectrum. Is clear but have not been diagnosed. Not sure where to start lost . Should I get therapy then get him diagnosed. We have a child this is all too much. I am also under casandra syndrome with horrible health issues because of it. First week . Any help would be appreciated

 

[Rodafina]

Welcome to the forum, @Ineedanswers.

Do you mean seek therapy for yourself? Your husband? Both of you together? What do you mean by "discovered my husband is on the spectrum?" Did he tell you this?

I don't think you should "get him diagnosed." That should be a decision that he makes.

Perhaps your husband would like to join us here on the forum and start learning from the huge variety of experiences that people here have had. We can be a helpful bunch for someone who is new to the idea of autism.

 

[Tom]

Just to give you some context, the regulars on this forum are nearly all on the spectrum. We do have a few NT regulars (all are welcome) and many NT visitors asking questions about autism. I've heard the name Cassandra syndrome but don't know what it is.

 

[Rodafina]

I also did not know what "Cassandra Syndrome" meant. But now I do.

A quick search says:

Cassandra Syndrome is a term that refers to the experience of a neurotypical person who is not believed or validated when they try to communicate the challenges of living with a partner who has an autism spectrum disorder. The term is derived from a Greek mythological figure who was cursed to prophesy the truth but never be believed. Cassandra Syndrome can cause emotional distress, frustration, depression, and loss of self-esteem for the neurotypical partner.

 

[tree]

 

[jsilver256]

I also did not know what "Cassandra Syndrome" meant. But now I do.

Yes, my husband identified a lot with this, once he discovered what it was.

I think it is a very hard thing to explain to others what an absence of intimacy means because it's often taken for granted that it exists if everything else in the relationship otherwise looks good.

 

[jsilver256]

@Ineedanswers - feel free to ask any questions you might have here. Most of us are single, but there are a few of us who had to work hard on our marriages. I nearly destroyed my own marriage.

I spent some time lurking on Cassandra Syndrome forums, but found these to be a toxic place - these are people who are hurting, who feel unvalued, who feel abandoned - all rightfully so - but they tend to make generalizations which are not accurate.

Please go see a marriage therapist, one who is familiar with autism. Alone if you have to. Standard therapeutic approaches do not work.

 

[Jonn]

where do I start, i just discovered my husband is on the spectrum.

How did you discover this?

 

[Hypnalis]

@Ineedanswers

You need to slow down, learn about ASD, and then think.

On aggregate, in terms of objective statistics, we are a lot nicer than the rest of the population. Less violent, not inclined to recklessness, more respectful of other people, etc.

And we love our kids. We do not walk away from our responsibilities to our families or our children.

We have some characteristic weaknesses of course, for example imperfect social skills and a tendency towards avoidance. But there's literally nothing about us that inclines us to actual bad behavior.
A lot of us are boring at parties though
On the other hand, a supportive partner who understand us can make a huge difference in mitigating the effects of those weaknesses.

Naturally I find posts like yours upsetting. But it's due to a lack of knowledge on your part, which all of us here will happily help with.

But please, slow down, and don't act on your impulses.
Not for a few minutes either. You probably need a couple of days.

And stop listening to the source of information that caused this concern..
Wherever, whatever, or whoever it was is definitely not acting in your best interests.

 

[Tired]

So why did you choose to marry the man and give him kids, if it's so hard for you to live with him? Were you forced into this marriage? Clearly the man didn't magically became another person after finding out he is autistic, he was always autistic.

 

[jsilver256]

So why did you choose to marry the man and give him kids, if it's so hard for you to live with him? Were you forced into this marriage? Clearly the man didn't magically became another person after finding out he is autistic, he was always autistic.

Can't speak for her, but for my husband and myself, it was just a slow downward spiral of him sensing, but unable to articulate in his own words, what was different about my ability to bond / intimacy / etc. He had a big amount of self-blame as well. He figured out I was ASD and it was an enormous relief to him.

 

[thejuice]

Not being listened to and invalidated is frustrating and painful but can be much improved if you BOTH learn each others relationship languages and neurological thinking styles.

Whatever happens, prioritise the child's needs first. You put yourself here. There is almost no situation where splitting up will be in the child's best interest, where there is no criminality involved. No matter what some bitter loonies with dubious motives in dark corners of the internet will insist.

I couldn't find much information on Cassandra syndrome from legitimate sources.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I read an article a few months ago that explained that partners with ASD don't show affection because their idea of love and commitment has already been established. The classic romantic TV movies are not something we can identify with. If you are waiting for flowers to be delivered, of if you expect a candle light dinner in a cozy bistro, or if you expect to be approached first for a hug or. kiss, then you are likely to be disappointed a lot. You can initiate a hug or a kiss on your own. His inability to do this doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Once you understand what ASD does to people, you can discuss it with him. Please, do not try to change him. He is the same person you fell in love with.

 

[Crossbreed]

I also did not know what "Cassandra Syndrome" meant. But now I do.

A quick search says:...

I refer to my experience of being minimized as a Dangerfield complex (I tell ya')...!

Rodney Dangerfield

 

[AndyFBlues]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Hypnalis]

Cassandra Syndrome is a term that refers to the experience of a neurotypical person who is not believed or validated when they try to communicate the challenges of living with a partner who has an autism spectrum disorder.

.....

Cassandra Syndrome can cause emotional distress, frustration, depression, and loss of self-esteem for the neurotypical partner.

This fails the "Symmetry test".

Cassandra Syndrome seems to be an NT version of what we NDs deal with our entire lives. "NT version" because that definition clearly wasn't written by one of us, or for us.

OP - we understand this situation.

The negative effects described in the second fragment I quoted literally shape our lives. We know the issues can be mitigated or overcome. That's were our comments that your situation is probably resolvable come from - personal experience over decades.

I read an interesting scenario from Reddit (via YouTube) some time ago, describing something relevant. I'll repeat the whole thing later if you (or someone else here) like(s). But for now, there's a simpler point.

A man posted that he was experiencing problems with his wife's way of interacting with his children. He asked if the issues were consistent with a "Dark Triad" Narcissist, and if so, what he should do.
Many people said the wife did indeed sound like a Narc, and suggested strong measures should be taken,

Luckily a couple of people suggested that he talk to his wife about his concerns.

The result of the talk: it turned out to be simple to negotiate a change of behavior, and the "problems" disappeared almost immediately.

Why it's relevant:
"Reddit" couldn't figure out what was going on, even after it was solved. They were amazed it went so well.
But I recognized common ND behavior from the first page of text. The wife was reacting honestly and accurately - the issue was her not using the encouraging "white lies" that should be used with young children.

The "problem" was honesty and accuracy in a context where society rightly doesn't feel it's "the best policy". Once this was explained, of course the wife changed her behavior.

We love our families. We'll happily change our life-long behavior to make things better for them.

If you chose to talk to us, we can help you start the negotiation.

 

[All-Rounder]

For me the information was too much, we had too many issues and it harmed. When I didn't know I was autistic and my ex was autistic when I started reading it was confusing as hell and then I realized I should have just focused on my knowledge and perception of him and trust it. And I was making excuses and crying for his problems or letting him get away with things.

If it's too much you can put some distance and have a break. From whatever is too much.

A state of overwhelm can make people unable to operate.

You can always divorce if it's not working well, isn't worth wasting your health for something that's not good.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Heroine of Winds]

Welcome! Hope you enjoy your time here!